ADHD daughter making the entire family late in the morning and I cannot stop losing it on her
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Anonymous
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My ADHD 6 year old DD makes our family late almost every single day. She somehow manages to find distractions every single morning so that she has to constantly be monitored and pushed and forced out the door by her dad and I. It’s been going on for years and I am at my wits end from constantly trying to set us up for success and having her sabotage (however inadvertently) our efforts to be on time.
A typical morning is that she won’t want to get out of bed so that can be a 20 minute fight. If we get her to the table she will daydream, bring toys to the table, get up and play with her brother, or space out and not eat. Since she does not eat lunch at school most days due to extreme distractability her dad and I have to give constant reminders to her - Larla, please eat your fruit. Larla, please eat your eggs. I think we must say these things upwards of 10-20 times. We make her special foods (she’s picky and only eats certain things) and getting her to finish requires both of us pushing her and reminding her dozens of times. She will then go to the bathroom and get lost - we try to give privacy for pooping but if left alone she’ll skin pick til she bleeds or daydream on the toilet and forget to poop. If we let her get dressed alone (after laying a full outfit on the bed or giving her choices between two items and laying them out) she just won’t. She will bring playing with toys, reading a book, etc. Often after many kind, repeated, reminders we have to help her get dressed herself. We push her to get her hair combed and then escort her to put on shoes and coat she she often gets lost again. She often then will manufacture a crisis as we are getting out the door about some random toy or trinket she “must” have she force us to search the house for it and tear it apart while she gets hysterical and makes us more and more late. I am so tired of this pattern. Her dad and I try every day to stay calm, but after the 30th gentle reminder or kind word, we find her screwing around and one of us at some point usually loses it and starts yelling. Yelling seems to be the only thing she responds to and I hate that we do it. We have tried talking to her, reasoning with her, sticker charts, teaching her to tell time, humor, singing Daniel Tiger songs/pretends and literally nothing works. We are late, constantly and she doesn’t care. If her dad and I have a meeting or something important and we ask for her help, it makes her behavior worse. She will tell us time doesn’t matter. Eventually she might apologize but the pattern repeats every single day. What can I do? I feel like a failure as a parent every day. |
Anonymous
| For my 6yo ADHD son, we just don't do independence during the school/work week. We tried it and it just caused us to be late and yelling/miserable constantly. Instead, if he won't get out of bed we carry him downstairs to the couch. We then get his clothes and help him dress. Next we stand by the bathroom door making sure he does everything he needs to do. We get him breakfast and sit next to him while he eats. When it's time to go, we get his shoes and help him put them on and then grab his jacket while walking out the door. It stinks but the alternative was exactly what you describe. We practice independence on the weekends and holidays. That's our bandwidth right now. |
Anonymous
| Have you considered medication? |
Anonymous
| Absolutely no toys are allowed to leave the house. Put one fidget toy in the car that "lives" in the car full time. |
Anonymous
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Stop catering to her adhd, as that’s what you’re doing. You allow her to sleep in. You allow her toys at the table. You allow her to get up from the table. You excuse your constant reminders to eat because teachers aren’t doing their job ID implementing services at lunch (or you just didn’t get those lunch services written into the IEP yet), you make her special foods that she doesn’t eat because oh dear she’s picky and wouldn’t eat otherwise, you allow skin picking rather than finding a way to redirect and insist she must Bm at a certain time, you allow her to have toys during morning routine and in the car.
You have to stop catering to her needs and blaming her bad behavior and your lack of parenting on the adhd. Put a schedule in place for the morning and follow it, no excuses. If she doesn’t get out of bed pick her up and carry her to the bathroom. If she gets up from the table breakfast it’s finished and you move to the next step in the routine. Practice the routine, do it the same way every single time. Do not lose patience, do not even speak to give instructions use gestures or pictures, etc. And get some parent training because at this rate she’s going to be running your household by age 10. You are the parents, she’s the child. Act like it. |
Anonymous
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She is 6. 6 years old. I have one kid with ADHD and one without. I also have ADHD and I can assure you that non-ADHD 6yr olds also struggle with some of these things.
What systems are you putting in place to help her be successful? What behavioral supports are you providing? Checklist on a dry erase board? Visual timer? Constant routine? Minimizing distractions while she is eating or finding a nook for her to eat away from the chaos if there are lots of people running around, asking about lunches or other questions. What are you doing to teach her executive functioning skills? You can’t just tell a kid (with or without ADHD) “pack your backpack” or “clean your room”. You literally need to teach them every step of the process - how to do it, what order to do it in, and how to know if it was done correctly. Why can’t she get up in the morning? What is her bedtime? Can she fall asleep on her own in a reasonable time? Running around shouting reminders in the morning and expecting her to magically “get it” is not helping and is probably making her feel like crap about herself. Kids do well when they can. It’s on you to create the environment to support her success. Take a hard look in the mirror - are you chaotic, frazzled, and stressed in the morning? Kids with ADHD often have at least one parent with ADHD. She’s 6. You are an adult. Put your own life jacket on first and then he’ll your kid if she’s struggling. She is not making you late. Your family dynamic and morning routine is making you late. |
Anonymous
You should be practicing independence everyday. I understand difficulty in the morning but practice it at night if you must. They aren’t going to gain independence just by doing it on the weekend and holidays. They needed repetition. You are setting him up to be dependent on you for basic life skills well past the age he should need that. |
Anonymous
Telling a child (or anyone) with ADHD to shut up and try harder is not helpful. It also belies a complete misunderstanding of ADHD. I do agree that the adults need to take more responsibility for the situation. Blaming a child who is struggling as if they are being willfully defiant and assuming the child will magically acquire the skills needed to comply if the parent is strict enough is so wrong and so damaging. |
Anonymous
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We are all living some sort of parallel lives. At almost 9, I am still helping DC getting their clothes on.
Absolutely NO toys leaving the house except a designated car toy. Totally agree. It completely sabotages the moment from being fully ready to getting out the door. "Larla, you are not punished and you did nothing wrong. But starting tomorrow we will no longer bring any toy out of the house on school mornings." Both parents must consistently enforce it. Our DC doesn't have the inattentiveness to the level described but a lot of impulsivity. What helped us the most in mornings was adding a non stimulant, honestly. |
Anonymous
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I am PP and I also highly recommend parent behavior therapy. It is designed for working on these situations. One thing that helped was learning how to give an effective command.
https://childmind.org/article/how-to-give-kids-effective-instructions/ The key is only to repeat the command, if need, after about 30 seconds. Not sooner. |
Anonymous
| Remember, a child with ADHD is delayed about 3 years in maturity level. She will learn to do everything on her own - but it will be later. |
Anonymous
My older kid has severe ADHD and that’s what we did - no independence on school days. He had no issues with becoming independent. |
Anonymous
| Medication. Changed our lives. |
Anonymous
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Op here. I should have added - we follow the same routine every single day down to about the minute with many cushions of time built into the schedule.
7:30-7:45 wake-up and use the bathroom 7:50-8:40 breakfast (plenty of time for her to focus and eat) 8:40-8:50 bathroom (pooping time and brushing teeth) 8:50-9:00 get dressed and hair combed (clothes are laid out for her) 9:00-9:10 get shoes and socks and coat on (all laid out for her) 9:10-9:15 walk out the door (we get her lunch and backpack, she just has to walk to the car) We have a visual schedule for her. We have used sand timers and phone timers since she was in preschool. She hates them and throws the sand timers or flips them. Phone timers she ignores or just asks for more time when they run out. Or she gets upset and starts crying “no timer no timer!” When we put it out and it becomes a fight/distraction and not a tool. She’s in weekly therapy and the therapist is working on listening and following directions. I am ADHD myself and have had to figure out how to survive with no diagnosis til I was 33 and no medication. My mom gave up on me when I was young and just let me nearly miss the bus most days. She didn’t ever break tasks down or help me move from one activity to the other. Our mornings are not us just yelling at yer. They are a series of us kindly saying, Larla, it’s time to get out of bed. Larla, please go use the bathroom and wash your hands, Larla, Please go to your room and take your Pajamas off and put on your clothes. We walk with her through every activity. We give warnings repeatedly for everything - you have 5 minutes left to finish breakfast, you have 2 minutes left for breakfast, ok now breakfast is over and it’s time to go to the bathroom. She is only left alone to poop and if she skin picks when the door is closed the door is then left open, she loses her privacy, and we cover her wounds with bandaids so she can’t pick them. She doesn’t care about rules. It does not matter if we say, no toys at the the table or in the car. She has no respect for what we tell her to do if it opposes what she wants. If we take away privileges as a punishment she just screams and flips out and has an epic meltdown that can take 20 minutes to get her to reset. She doesn’t get out of bed often in the mornings because she doesn’t want to. She had an appropriate bedtime. She often takes 30-45 minutes or more to fall asleep. If we give her melatonin she has emotional outbursts the next day so we don’t use it anymore. We aren’t just some a home parents screaming at our kids. We are providing extensive scaffolding, support, etc. and she just won’t comply. If we move her through activities she doesn’t want to do she hurts is because she’s 45 pounds now and big enough to do damage. |
Anonymous
Hi OP! Just on the above comment - oh yes she will wage war, and there will be a meltdown. But when melting down doesn't work anymore, she will comply. As our therapist said when some of the techniques we learned were put into place, "So it turns out your kid is just like every other, huh?" I still laugh at it. I highly recommend Dr. Shapiro's class. Claire Lerner could also be a great resource. Best wishes. |