Am I coddling my DD by allowing her to come home when she's going through a rough patch?

[Anonymous]

My 21 DD has been struggling the past week. She's in a rough spot with her boyfriend, they've been dating for almost two years and they've been taking some 'space' for about two weeks now. She's really struggling with her first relationship basically ending, and she has always been an anxious person, so she feels even more anxious/stressed about everything. She also doesn't have many friends so she feels very lonely and unsupported. She's been in a rut and when she is very anxious she struggles with eating, and she told me she is barely eating one meal a day. She called me this morning and says she wants to come home for the week because she said she's homesick and wants to be comforted and distracted from everything. She is very close to me and my husband, and she has a lot of aunts and cousins that live near me so she does have a great support system at home. All of her lectures are recorded and she will do her schoolwork from home, and she says she won't fall behind.

I feel like if she wants to come home she should come home, be distracted, and I can just be there for her and make sure she's eating food and feeling better. My DH thinks that this is a part of life, and she should learn how to feel better on her own. She is about a 4 hour flight away. My DH is a pilot so she can fly home tonight on standby, it's not an issue with money or buying plane tickets.

Curious to know others thoughts.

[Anonymous]

I would let her come home for a week. I wouldn't let her move back home because she's having a rough romantic patch, but having her come home so she can eat some healthy meals and get a little distraction seems totally fine. Sometimes we all need a little TLC.

[Anonymous]

To me it sounds like not a big deal at all for her to come home for a short trip. If she was planning to quit her job and move back in with you-that would be a problem.

[Anonymous]

My first thought is be prepared that she might want to stay. I would not mind my kid coming home, but, I would not wait on her hand and foot. I'd make it clear I am living my life and she would be expected to be part of the family, helping with cooking, chores, etc.

What about doing a girls weekend like in NYC (or whatever you guys find fun). A nice distraction, but, a neutral place where she won't get sucked into the parent / child dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely let her come home. I would tell my husband to pound sand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 21 DD has been struggling the past week. She's in a rough spot with her boyfriend, they've been dating for almost two years and they've been taking some 'space' for about two weeks now. She's really struggling with her first relationship basically ending, and she has always been an anxious person, so she feels even more anxious/stressed about everything. She also doesn't have many friends so she feels very lonely and unsupported. She's been in a rut and when she is very anxious she struggles with eating, and she told me she is barely eating one meal a day. She called me this morning and says she wants to come home for the week because she said she's homesick and wants to be comforted and distracted from everything. She is very close to me and my husband, and she has a lot of aunts and cousins that live near me so she does have a great support system at home. All of her lectures are recorded and she will do her schoolwork from home, and she says she won't fall behind.

I feel like if she wants to come home she should come home, be distracted, and I can just be there for her and make sure she's eating food and feeling better. My DH thinks that this is a part of life, and she should learn how to feel better on her own. She is about a 4 hour flight away. My DH is a pilot so she can fly home tonight on standby, it's not an issue with money or buying plane tickets.

Curious to know others thoughts.

If me, I would have her come home though might mention that it is for a comfort and recharge in case you think there may be any reason why the week might turn in to the whole semester. And I wouldn't object to the whole semester if that was what was really needed.

DD's BFF and boyfriend just broke up. DD wanted to go visit her at her college and DH balked a bit. In the end, she didn't go but I told DH you want your DD to be there for her friends so they are there for her, even if this heartbreak is not unusual at this age and stage.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My DH thinks that this is a part of life, and she should learn how to feel better on her own.

Oh no. I do not agree with that at all. Arguably she is still developing into an adult and its important that you continue to nurture the attachment and support symptom for her. So much research shows now damangin a "get over it" attitude is to our kids. They stop expressing their needs in their relationships because they think its not valid, or will be blown off. Giving someone a weekend in a safe space when they are literally telling you they need help is a gift, period.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s great she’s wants to come home for a week. Home is her safe and loving place. Don’t make her change her mind (tell that to her father).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first thought is be prepared that she might want to stay. I would not mind my kid coming home, but, I would not wait on her hand and foot. I'd make it clear I am living my life and she would be expected to be part of the family, helping with cooking, chores, etc.

What about doing a girls weekend like in NYC (or whatever you guys find fun). A nice distraction, but, a neutral place where she won't get sucked into the parent / child dynamic.

Op here,

Love the idea of a girls weekend! I'll bring it up to her, she also just turned 21 two weeks ago so we can make this into a birthday celebration! Also me and DH got invited to a Superbowl party with a bunch of family friends and they have kids around her age that she loves, so I'll also invite her to that, hoping to give her some distracton.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My DH thinks that this is a part of life, and she should learn how to feel better on her own.

Oh no. I do not agree with that at all. Arguably she is still developing into an adult and its important that you continue to nurture the attachment and support symptom for her. So much research shows now damangin a "get over it" attitude is to our kids. They stop expressing their needs in their relationships because they think its not valid, or will be blown off. Giving someone a weekend in a safe space when they are literally telling you they need help is a gift, period.

Op here,

Thanks! Exactly what I was saying to my DH. I think its actually really amazing that she feels comforted being around us and that being home will make her feel better. Also I feel like at any age, you always want support from those around us. I don't have a great relationship with my mom, but I remember in my mid 20's I would call my sisters or friends, and spend nights with them when I was upset/going through heartbreak.

[Anonymous]

For you husband: she is using healthy coping skills. She's figuring out how to feel safe and distracted. I'm sure I'm not the only one who figured out a break up on my own with a bottle of Jack and getting under someone new-but I wouldn't suggest that to my own daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My DH thinks that this is a part of life, and she should learn how to feel better on her own.

Oh no. I do not agree with that at all. Arguably she is still developing into an adult and its important that you continue to nurture the attachment and support symptom for her. So much research shows now damangin a "get over it" attitude is to our kids. They stop expressing their needs in their relationships because they think its not valid, or will be blown off. Giving someone a weekend in a safe space when they are literally telling you they need help is a gift, period.

Op here,

Thanks! Exactly what I was saying to my DH. I think its actually really amazing that she feels comforted being around us and that being home will make her feel better. Also I feel like at any age, you always want support from those around us. I don't have a great relationship with my mom, but I remember in my mid 20's I would call my sisters or friends, and spend nights with them when I was upset/going through heartbreak.

I hope my DD would feel comfortable calling me and asking the same at that age. I also had a stressed relationship with my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For you husband: she is using healthy coping skills. She's figuring out how to feel safe and distracted. I'm sure I'm not the only one who figured out a break up on my own with a bottle of Jack and getting under someone new-but I wouldn't suggest that to my own daughter.

This!!

[Anonymous]

What a lousy parent you're married to, OP. I would welcome my son or daughter with open arms in the situation you describe. Tell your husband to lump it.

[Anonymous]

At any age, we seek support from our community during rough patches. Her family is her community. I don't understand why your DH would want to discourage that.