Am I coddling my DD by allowing her to come home when she's going through a rough patch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 21 DD has been struggling the past week. She's in a rough spot with her boyfriend, they've been dating for almost two years and they've been taking some 'space' for about two weeks now. She's really struggling with her first relationship basically ending, and she has always been an anxious person, so she feels even more anxious/stressed about everything. She also doesn't have many friends so she feels very lonely and unsupported. She's been in a rut and when she is very anxious she struggles with eating, and she told me she is barely eating one meal a day. She called me this morning and says she wants to come home for the week because she said she's homesick and wants to be comforted and distracted from everything. She is very close to me and my husband, and she has a lot of aunts and cousins that live near me so she does have a great support system at home. All of her lectures are recorded and she will do her schoolwork from home, and she says she won't fall behind.

I feel like if she wants to come home she should come home, be distracted, and I can just be there for her and make sure she's eating food and feeling better. My DH thinks that this is a part of life, and she should learn how to feel better on her own. She is about a 4 hour flight away. My DH is a pilot so she can fly home tonight on standby, it's not an issue with money or buying plane tickets.

Curious to know others thoughts.

No. She can come home for a few days, shuffle herself and go back in style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At any age, we seek support from our community during rough patches. Her family is her community. I don't understand why your DH would want to discourage that.

^this. I am shocked at your DH’s response. Maybe this is a gender thing, maybe generational, but why would you even value this kind of “independence”? If anything it is more important to model what caring and community looks like. And if she ends up staying too long or puts too much of her healing on other people, that’s another life lesson to guide her through instead of throwing her to the wolves.

No one is actually happy in or wants to live a completely self-sufficient life…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 21 .....

OP I agree with DH. A week at home no. Weekend maybe.

What is she going to do when she has a job come home to mommy & daddy when her BF breaks up with her.

Sorry but I know I am an outlier here but really people she's 21.

Very white American answer.

Lol. Yup. No surprise the prevalence of mood disorders is so much higher here than in other high-GDP countries. You can’t even count on your family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's 21 .....

OP I agree with DH. A week at home no. Weekend maybe.

What is she going to do when she has a job come home to mommy & daddy when her BF breaks up with her.

Sorry but I know I am an outlier here but really people she's 21.

Very white American answer.

Lol. Yup. No surprise the prevalence of mood disorders is so much higher here than in other high-GDP countries. You can’t even count on your family!

Is it a specific kind of white? Serious question about this stiff upper lip cultural strain in the USA? Because while white, my family immigrated from a country where people routinely live with their parents into early adulthood (the dynamic shifts to being more like roommates rather than people who give you permission to do XYZ). My good friend is from Appalachia where it seems wildly communal in some areas still but they are about as white American as you can get in that region! But I also understand what you mean by this being a white American answer- just don't understand which kind I suppose.

[Anonymous]

My sister went through a rough patch emotionally at her Ivy league school one semester. I will never forget my mother driving 8 hours one way to retrieve her. She brought her home, helped ground her, feed her and get her steady on her feet. It showed my sister how strong her own safety net was, and that without her even realizing it she'd been sliding into a bad place.

It was maybe one week at home, but I feel pretty sure it saved her life.

Absolutely let her come home to get steady and then send her back out a bit stronger.

[Anonymous]

OP, not eating enough, as you probably know, can cause long-term health issues. It can be a symptom of depression and/or an eating disorder. Please do your best to make sure that disorders are ruled out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister went through a rough patch emotionally at her Ivy league school one semester. I will never forget my mother driving 8 hours one way to retrieve her. She brought her home, helped ground her, feed her and get her steady on her feet. It showed my sister how strong her own safety net was, and that without her even realizing it she'd been sliding into a bad place.

It was maybe one week at home, but I feel pretty sure it saved her life.

Absolutely let her come home to get steady and then send her back out a bit stronger.

I love this. To the OP, please allow your DD to come home for a week to recharge.