If you wanted more than 1 child but ended up one and done - what helped you to get over it?

[Anonymous]

I wanted to have a 2nd child but DH was a hard no. I still grieve that I couldn't have another child and don't feel that the family is complete. How do you move on from this?

[Anonymous]

Like you I have longed for another child. But intellectually I also know having another would be rough on my marriage, finances and my own ability to care for myself. As it turns out, mothers of only children are happier overall than both childless women and mothers of multiple children. It may not be what you chose, but there are real advantages to having only one. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/202206/are-mothers-happier-one-child-or-more

[Anonymous]

Not quite the same, but I *originally* wanted two (or zero -- never an only). Then I had one, who was a super easy baby, and it was still way too hard for me personally and I grieved my old life so much. So I stopped at one, and I had to come to terms with that choice. it took about a year and a half to feel at peace with it and now, 3 years out, I am delighted and I have to stop myself from feeling smug about what a great life choice I made.

[Anonymous]

PP--sorry meant to add, I made peace with it by embracing the incredible upsides of having only one. Simple things like we don't have to "divide and conquer" much, we can spend more time together as a couple, super easy and cheap to find babysitters.

[Anonymous]

There are many things I want and don’t get. Having more than one child was one of those. I don’t dwell on what i wanted but didn’t get. I focus on appreciating what I do have. Better use of my time.

[Anonymous]

We originally wanted two. It took us five years and nearly six figures to get one. It is cliche, but what we went through to get our one was so stressful and taxing, it really dimmed my desire for another. We have become so grateful that we have a healthy, happy child we can devote all of our attention to. The challenge, cost, health tolls, potential for complications as an older mom, etc is just not worth it any more. SO happy to be one and done.

[Anonymous]

Same situation as you - I was open to 2, DH was a hard 'no.' DH is an amazing dad to our only, and I remind myself that he made that choice because he knows his limits. I would rather have a happy marriage and a 100% engaged dad for my only than a stressed marriage and a resentful dad for multiples.

The pangs of wanting a second come and go, but each time my only gets sick (which is just awful for all of us) or I see stressed parents of multiples in public areas (i.e. airports, restaurants), I feel grateful for our tiny and manageable family of three. It also allows me to stay a working mom guilt-free.

[Anonymous]

I tried for a long time for #2 and it never happened. I still struggle with it every day. It's just the deep sense of loss and incompleteness that I cannot seem to move past. I think all of the advice in this thread is good, and I've tried to incorporate all of these approaches myself, but it hasn't yet faded for me. So, if that feeling persists, know that you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

A few years and normal aging made me realize that I was already probably too old for a second. I feel just so fortunate to have my one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not quite the same, but I *originally* wanted two (or zero -- never an only). Then I had one, who was a super easy baby, and it was still way too hard for me personally and I grieved my old life so much. So I stopped at one, and I had to come to terms with that choice. it took about a year and a half to feel at peace with it and now, 3 years out, I am delighted and I have to stop myself from feeling smug about what a great life choice I made.

Can you elaborate on this thinking? I hear it often and I've never understood it. Why 0 or 2, but never 1?


OP, time and focusing on the positives really make the difference. The whole "my family isn't complete" thing is an illusion. Almost none of us get the exact life we envision for ourselves. You could have your perfect sized family, then lose your spouse or a child. You could get divorced. Have chronic illness or addiction issues. Life is never perfect, and it's up to you to find the joy and benefits in the life you do have. By the time your child becomes elementary aged, it will become pretty clear how much simpler and peaceful your life is. That's something to embrace even if you would have welcomed the chaos. If it's been 5+ years and you're still actively grieving, then that's a sign that you are struggling in other areas of your mental health and still have work to do. The thing is, even if you had two kids, you still would have had those struggles and would have expressed them in other ways. It's very natural to grieve and process, but if it's been a few years and you can't let it go, then that's a sign.

Plus my child loves being an only child. Read about adult only children who loved their childhoods, it's heartening and gives you a parenting goal to work towards!

[Anonymous]

Reality set in after one. Raising kids is hard and I did not have the bandwidth to do a good job with more than one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not quite the same, but I *originally* wanted two (or zero -- never an only). Then I had one, who was a super easy baby, and it was still way too hard for me personally and I grieved my old life so much. So I stopped at one, and I had to come to terms with that choice. it took about a year and a half to feel at peace with it and now, 3 years out, I am delighted and I have to stop myself from feeling smug about what a great life choice I made.

Can you elaborate on this thinking? I hear it often and I've never understood it. Why 0 or 2, but never 1?


OP, time and focusing on the positives really make the difference. The whole "my family isn't complete" thing is an illusion. Almost none of us get the exact life we envision for ourselves. You could have your perfect sized family, then lose your spouse or a child. You could get divorced. Have chronic illness or addiction issues. Life is never perfect, and it's up to you to find the joy and benefits in the life you do have. By the time your child becomes elementary aged, it will become pretty clear how much simpler and peaceful your life is. That's something to embrace even if you would have welcomed the chaos. If it's been 5+ years and you're still actively grieving, then that's a sign that you are struggling in other areas of your mental health and still have work to do. The thing is, even if you had two kids, you still would have had those struggles and would have expressed them in other ways. It's very natural to grieve and process, but if it's been a few years and you can't let it go, then that's a sign.

Plus my child loves being an only child. Read about adult only children who loved their childhoods, it's heartening and gives you a parenting goal to work towards!

new poster but I have a similar situation to the PP you are responding to.

I *originally* wanted 2-3, DH wanted 2, open to 3. Both of us agreed we would not want a singleton (big desire for them to experience the relationships of siblings). Also both of us are rather uptight ridged intense people, and feared the pressure we would put on a singleton.

Turns out, one is hard enough! DH was the first to adamantly state one-and-done. I grieved the loss of this fictitious sibling for a long time. But as our child got older (now 4) it's lessened. As I get father from the hormonal desires I felt when my child was a baby, I see all the benefits of having one (as others pointed out, less stress on my marriage, more flexibility with finances, no need to divide and conquer allows more time for adult hobbies, etc).

As reality hit, it became apparent that the reality of our circumstances is more important that this perceived ideal family unit we *thought* we wanted, back we didn't know anything about the true stresses of being a parent!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not quite the same, but I *originally* wanted two (or zero -- never an only). Then I had one, who was a super easy baby, and it was still way too hard for me personally and I grieved my old life so much. So I stopped at one, and I had to come to terms with that choice. it took about a year and a half to feel at peace with it and now, 3 years out, I am delighted and I have to stop myself from feeling smug about what a great life choice I made.

Can you elaborate on this thinking? I hear it often and I've never understood it. Why 0 or 2, but never 1?


OP, time and focusing on the positives really make the difference. The whole "my family isn't complete" thing is an illusion. Almost none of us get the exact life we envision for ourselves. You could have your perfect sized family, then lose your spouse or a child. You could get divorced. Have chronic illness or addiction issues. Life is never perfect, and it's up to you to find the joy and benefits in the life you do have. By the time your child becomes elementary aged, it will become pretty clear how much simpler and peaceful your life is. That's something to embrace even if you would have welcomed the chaos. If it's been 5+ years and you're still actively grieving, then that's a sign that you are struggling in other areas of your mental health and still have work to do. The thing is, even if you had two kids, you still would have had those struggles and would have expressed them in other ways. It's very natural to grieve and process, but if it's been a few years and you can't let it go, then that's a sign.

Plus my child loves being an only child. Read about adult only children who loved their childhoods, it's heartening and gives you a parenting goal to work towards!

new poster but I have a similar situation to the PP you are responding to.

I *originally* wanted 2-3, DH wanted 2, open to 3. Both of us agreed we would not want a singleton (big desire for them to experience the relationships of siblings). Also both of us are rather uptight ridged intense people, and feared the pressure we would put on a singleton.

Turns out, one is hard enough! DH was the first to adamantly state one-and-done. I grieved the loss of this fictitious sibling for a long time. But as our child got older (now 4) it's lessened. As I get father from the hormonal desires I felt when my child was a baby, I see all the benefits of having one (as others pointed out, less stress on my marriage, more flexibility with finances, no need to divide and conquer allows more time for adult hobbies, etc).

As reality hit, it became apparent that the reality of our circumstances is more important that this perceived ideal family unit we *thought* we wanted, back we didn't know anything about the true stresses of being a parent!

+1 the postpartum hormonal desire for more children is real. I have never been baby obsessed but as soon as DD was born I felt this strong need for another child. Now that she is almost 4 I still think how it would be nice to have another but those thoughts are countered by the reality that having another child would be SO much more work, money spent, sleep deprivation , stress. And less.time actually enjoying my relationship with DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not quite the same, but I *originally* wanted two (or zero -- never an only). Then I had one, who was a super easy baby, and it was still way too hard for me personally and I grieved my old life so much. So I stopped at one, and I had to come to terms with that choice. it took about a year and a half to feel at peace with it and now, 3 years out, I am delighted and I have to stop myself from feeling smug about what a great life choice I made.

Can you elaborate on this thinking? I hear it often and I've never understood it. Why 0 or 2, but never 1?


OP, time and focusing on the positives really make the difference. The whole "my family isn't complete" thing is an illusion. Almost none of us get the exact life we envision for ourselves. You could have your perfect sized family, then lose your spouse or a child. You could get divorced. Have chronic illness or addiction issues. Life is never perfect, and it's up to you to find the joy and benefits in the life you do have. By the time your child becomes elementary aged, it will become pretty clear how much simpler and peaceful your life is. That's something to embrace even if you would have welcomed the chaos. If it's been 5+ years and you're still actively grieving, then that's a sign that you are struggling in other areas of your mental health and still have work to do. The thing is, even if you had two kids, you still would have had those struggles and would have expressed them in other ways. It's very natural to grieve and process, but if it's been a few years and you can't let it go, then that's a sign.

Plus my child loves being an only child. Read about adult only children who loved their childhoods, it's heartening and gives you a parenting goal to work towards!

NOT PP but I think it's probably so your child has a companion and end of life decisions/long term care of parents does not fall on one kid. Of course, one kid could be a jerk, unhelpful, live far, die early or be a drug addict but

[Anonymous]

Time. Lots of bonuses to having one.