If you wanted more than 1 child but ended up one and done - what helped you to get over it?

[Anonymous]

I have 2 siblings and it all fell on at end of life. Please people stop making this your reason to have multiples. I guess you are playing the odds…but it doesn’t always work out thatvway. Stop having kids just to have them xare for you at end of life…have them because you genuinely want AND can handle them. Kids are a big investment with no guaranteed return on investment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 siblings and it all fell on at end of life. Please people stop making this your reason to have multiples. I guess you are playing the odds…but it doesn’t always work out thatvway. Stop having kids just to have them xare for you at end of life…have them because you genuinely want AND can handle them. Kids are a big investment with no guaranteed return on investment.

+1

I also don't think it makes sense/is ethical to create a person as a companion for another person. Both children are individuals. They may or may not provide companionship for each other but ultimately their most important relationships growing up will be with you - their parents. I love my brother, it was nice to have a playmate at home growing up, but as adults we live very separate lives. I don't see him being particularly helpful dealing with end of life stuff either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few years and normal aging made me realize that I was already probably too old for a second. I feel just so fortunate to have my one.

This is me too. Once my child turned three and I was into my 40s, it just didn't feel like an option anymore.

And I started instead to really think about the next chapter of life - places we could now travel as a small family, the last chapter of my career before retirement, taking good care of my body, things like that.

[Anonymous]

Time. Also, the early pandemic days of WFH without childcare really killed off my 2nd baby fever. Our life is so nice right now. If my husband came to me tomorrow and said he wanted to try for a 2nd, I'd be on board, but I no longer feel a specific yearning or desire myself.

[Anonymous]

I could get over infertility (wasn’t meant to be) but not a DH saying no. Why is he saying no?

As an only child myself, I convinced DH to have the second when he was initially hesitant. Five years later, he is very happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time. Also, the early pandemic days of WFH without childcare really killed off my 2nd baby fever. Our life is so nice right now. If my husband came to me tomorrow and said he wanted to try for a 2nd, I'd be on board, but I no longer feel a specific yearning or desire myself.

+100 If there was no pandemic I'd probably have a second one or at least be neutral. I am a HARD NO after pandemic parenthood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not quite the same, but I *originally* wanted two (or zero -- never an only). Then I had one, who was a super easy baby, and it was still way too hard for me personally and I grieved my old life so much. So I stopped at one, and I had to come to terms with that choice. it took about a year and a half to feel at peace with it and now, 3 years out, I am delighted and I have to stop myself from feeling smug about what a great life choice I made.

Can you elaborate on this thinking? I hear it often and I've never understood it. Why 0 or 2, but never 1?


OP, time and focusing on the positives really make the difference. The whole "my family isn't complete" thing is an illusion. Almost none of us get the exact life we envision for ourselves. You could have your perfect sized family, then lose your spouse or a child. You could get divorced. Have chronic illness or addiction issues. Life is never perfect, and it's up to you to find the joy and benefits in the life you do have. By the time your child becomes elementary aged, it will become pretty clear how much simpler and peaceful your life is. That's something to embrace even if you would have welcomed the chaos. If it's been 5+ years and you're still actively grieving, then that's a sign that you are struggling in other areas of your mental health and still have work to do. The thing is, even if you had two kids, you still would have had those struggles and would have expressed them in other ways. It's very natural to grieve and process, but if it's been a few years and you can't let it go, then that's a sign.

Plus my child loves being an only child. Read about adult only children who loved their childhoods, it's heartening and gives you a parenting goal to work towards!

Original PP here. Because I was thinking about parenthood very inflexibly, and fell for my own mom's stigma about only children being selfish/mal-adjusted and missing out on life (I am from a Catholic family fwiw). The funny thing is I am the eldest with a 4+ year age gap, so psychologically I share many traits of an only child.

[Anonymous]

What are only child traits? Is every child different? Curious because I know lots of only kids and none of them are alike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are only child traits? Is every child different? Curious because I know lots of only kids and none of them are alike.

From what I understand, they use big words and act mature. OP surely doesn’t want that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are only child traits? Is every child different? Curious because I know lots of only kids and none of them are alike.

From what I understand, they use big words and act mature. OP surely doesn’t want that!

Some inflexibility and always wanting to have things their own way, based on what I see in myself and other only children I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are only child traits? Is every child different? Curious because I know lots of only kids and none of them are alike.

From what I understand, they use big words and act mature. OP surely doesn’t want that!

Some inflexibility and always wanting to have things their own way, based on what I see in myself and other only children I know.

+1. My only child is very articulate and confident, and an amazing kid!, but also can have difficulty compromising and deferring to others in social settings. Her best friends are more passive, introverted types that gravitate to her “natural leadership” qualities. Friends that want to be in charge too tend to have little squabbles and power struggles. Not that those friends are only children either! Any kid can be that way, I just notice it specifically in mine.

[Anonymous]

My only loves to share and is popular…maybe just a personality thing. A lot of onlies go on to become very successful maybe more resources are poured into them…either way i wouldnt base it off of your own personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could get over infertility (wasn’t meant to be) but not a DH saying no. Why is he saying no?

As an only child myself, I convinced DH to have the second when he was initially hesitant. Five years later, he is very happy.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could get over infertility (wasn’t meant to be) but not a DH saying no. Why is he saying no?

As an only child myself, I convinced DH to have the second when he was initially hesitant. Five years later, he is very happy.

+1

OTOH, my DH told me he didn't want another as soon as DD was born. It was heartbreaking and felt cruel at the time. Now, 4 years later, I have to admit, he was right. Two would be too much for us.

[Anonymous]

Time. Mostly just time,l.