If you wanted more than 1 child but ended up one and done - what helped you to get over it?

[Anonymous]

I wanted more, but had terrible preeclampsia and almost died from the first one. She’s a great kid, but I was told by doctors not to try again. Both my spouse and I are teachers, and would have struggled to afford another. With one, we were able to save enough for college and take some vacations. My kid is an adult now and was happy being an only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted more, but had terrible preeclampsia and almost died from the first one. She’s a great kid, but I was told by doctors not to try again. Both my spouse and I are teachers, and would have struggled to afford another. With one, we were able to save enough for college and take some vacations. My kid is an adult now and was happy being an only.

Interesting. I had preeclampsia (but a fairly mild case) and was told I could feel free to try again but it would be a very monitored, high-risk pregnancy. I'm an athlete whose sport/hobby is extremely important to me and I got super depressed giving it up even a little bit during pregnancy -- couldn't imagine being on bed rest, etc. the whole time. So pre-e was a factor for me too. It also scared the s*** out of my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not the OP, but struggling with this as well. Our DD is 3, and pandemic parenting while both working full time with one really changed our trajectory. Now that our DD is starting to be self sufficient and can do activities etc, we are having a ball. DH is all but a hard no on a second but I am trying to come to terms with maybe this is it and the right choice for us. I am 40 this year and a I fear a second will put a huge amount of stress on our relationship, our finances, and overall well being. We are in a great place and DH is a great dad, but I will always wonder what the right choice is. I never imagined having just one...

To this PP, I'm a NP and I can completely relate to this. My DH and I also both work full time, we have an almost 2 year old DS. DH's job schedule is super busy (big law) and I work a demanding job, but don't have to work outside of the hours of 8-6ish. Daycare COVID closures last year completely ruined my mental state. We didn't have daycare for at least 2 months at one point and I took almost sole responsibility for our son during that time. That meant trying to fit my job into the hours after my son went to bed, or while he napped. DH had a trial and wasn't available. As a result of the daycare closures, I wasn't able to take any real "personal" vacation time off all last year and I still feel exhausted.

Sometimes I feel frustrated that we had to experience this "unfair" welcome to parenthood, but I try and feel grateful for DS and all that we do have every day. I was certain I'd have 2, and I'm open to the idea that we may change our minds, although I'm 36 and I don't want to wait too much longer. I just feel tired all the time with our current schedules, and I kept thinking I'd feel more ready to try for a second, but DH and I just don't. I'm trying to make peace with the fact that if we don't get to a place where we'll want one, I'm okay with that, but it's hard mourning the loss of what we assumed our lives would look like.

I think what I struggle with the most is why I personally feel like I can't push through the tiredness to motivate myself to have a second. I have so many other friends who are pregnant again or planning on getting pregnant again and on the worst days, I feel like something's wrong with me for not being able to push through. I'm a super active, energetic, athletic, outgoing, engaged person but I just truly don't feel like I have the capacity for a second, even if DH's job was easier. I hire help for all housekeeping/maintenance on the home so I'm literally just working and raising our kid (and of course maintaining my adult friendships and exercising, since those are important to me). I sometimes just feel like other people have more energy or desire than me to have a second, and I feel like something's wrong with me for this deficiency or weakness, as I see it sometimes.

Not sure if anyone else feels this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted more, but had terrible preeclampsia and almost died from the first one. She’s a great kid, but I was told by doctors not to try again. Both my spouse and I are teachers, and would have struggled to afford another. With one, we were able to save enough for college and take some vacations. My kid is an adult now and was happy being an only.

Interesting. I had preeclampsia (but a fairly mild case) and was told I could feel free to try again but it would be a very monitored, high-risk pregnancy. I'm an athlete whose sport/hobby is extremely important to me and I got super depressed giving it up even a little bit during pregnancy -- couldn't imagine being on bed rest, etc. the whole time. So pre-e was a factor for me too. It also scared the s*** out of my husband

NP here. I dealt with pre-eclampsia too and had a similar experience to you as I am an avid runner. Mine was a very high risk case but I deal with the same issue of not being able to exercise during my first pregnancy and the idea of having a second pregnancy where I'd already be deemed high risk from the start. It feels hard to push through that fear of something happening again, especially with another DC at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not the OP, but struggling with this as well. Our DD is 3, and pandemic parenting while both working full time with one really changed our trajectory. Now that our DD is starting to be self sufficient and can do activities etc, we are having a ball. DH is all but a hard no on a second but I am trying to come to terms with maybe this is it and the right choice for us. I am 40 this year and a I fear a second will put a huge amount of stress on our relationship, our finances, and overall well being. We are in a great place and DH is a great dad, but I will always wonder what the right choice is. I never imagined having just one...

To this PP, I'm a NP and I can completely relate to this. My DH and I also both work full time, we have an almost 2 year old DS. DH's job schedule is super busy (big law) and I work a demanding job, but don't have to work outside of the hours of 8-6ish. Daycare COVID closures last year completely ruined my mental state. We didn't have daycare for at least 2 months at one point and I took almost sole responsibility for our son during that time. That meant trying to fit my job into the hours after my son went to bed, or while he napped. DH had a trial and wasn't available. As a result of the daycare closures, I wasn't able to take any real "personal" vacation time off all last year and I still feel exhausted.

Sometimes I feel frustrated that we had to experience this "unfair" welcome to parenthood, but I try and feel grateful for DS and all that we do have every day. I was certain I'd have 2, and I'm open to the idea that we may change our minds, although I'm 36 and I don't want to wait too much longer. I just feel tired all the time with our current schedules, and I kept thinking I'd feel more ready to try for a second, but DH and I just don't. I'm trying to make peace with the fact that if we don't get to a place where we'll want one, I'm okay with that, but it's hard mourning the loss of what we assumed our lives would look like.

I think what I struggle with the most is why I personally feel like I can't push through the tiredness to motivate myself to have a second. I have so many other friends who are pregnant again or planning on getting pregnant again and on the worst days, I feel like something's wrong with me for not being able to push through. I'm a super active, energetic, athletic, outgoing, engaged person but I just truly don't feel like I have the capacity for a second, even if DH's job was easier. I hire help for all housekeeping/maintenance on the home so I'm literally just working and raising our kid (and of course maintaining my adult friendships and exercising, since those are important to me). I sometimes just feel like other people have more energy or desire than me to have a second, and I feel like something's wrong with me for this deficiency or weakness, as I see it sometimes.

Not sure if anyone else feels this way.

DP here. Yes I feel this way. Well TBH I am introverted and low energy but I still sometimes feel inadequate because I can't fathom having another child. That being said I am focusing more lately on the great things about having one. Our child really is a joy and we are so lucky to have her.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids and my older sister have one and she is over 40 and done. Our sons are both 7 and my younger is 3. My sister is enjoying wide selection of activities and vacation choices while I am still fighting the sleep and eating problems of my second. Just last night she woke up 2 and 4 am screaming from nightmares and I was not thrilled by it.

In short, you will get your freedom back sooner.