If you wanted more than 1 child but ended up one and done - what helped you to get over it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are only child traits? Is every child different? Curious because I know lots of only kids and none of them are alike.

From what I understand, they use big words and act mature. OP surely doesn’t want that!

Some inflexibility and always wanting to have things their own way, based on what I see in myself and other only children I know.

+1. My only child is very articulate and confident, and an amazing kid!, but also can have difficulty compromising and deferring to others in social settings. Her best friends are more passive, introverted types that gravitate to her “natural leadership” qualities. Friends that want to be in charge too tend to have little squabbles and power struggles. Not that those friends are only children either! Any kid can be that way, I just notice it specifically in mine.

My only is the opposite. Very flexible and adaptable, and often willing to compromise or go along with what friends want to do.

[Anonymous]

For me, some of it was time, some of it was appreciating what I had, including the advantages of an only, and some of it was never wanting my child to sense from me that she wasn't enough.

[Anonymous]

I wanted two and DH was a maybe. We always said we would evaluate after the first year. After the first year we were tired and mid 30s. By the time we decided we weren't tired anymore we would have been 40 w/a newborn so DH became firm no. It took awhile for me to come to terms with that and I occasionally do still think about what it would have been like but I'm also really, really leaning into these fun elementary years and all the things we do now that we wouldn't necessarily be able or willing to do with a second.

[Anonymous]

I have two bc my husband felt strongly about it, but I would have been fine with one. It's great to have that simplicity - no coordinating multiple pickups and dropoffs and activities, extra funds for things like private school, sports and activities, cheaper/easier travel...there's so many benefits. And I loved the feeling of my older one being my little sidekick and going everywhere with me.

(Disclaimer: of course I love both my kids endlessly and wouldn't trade my crazy two-kid life for anything now that they're both here)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could get over infertility (wasn’t meant to be) but not a DH saying no. Why is he saying no?

As an only child myself, I convinced DH to have the second when he was initially hesitant. Five years later, he is very happy.

+1

OTOH, my DH told me he didn't want another as soon as DD was born. It was heartbreaking and felt cruel at the time. Now, 4 years later, I have to admit, he was right. Two would be too much for us.

I'm the mom (posted here earlier) and felt the same way as your DH. Immediately knew after DD was born it was gonna be our only kid. It's not cruel, it's wise and cautious to know one's limits

[Anonymous]

Not the OP, but struggling with this as well. Our DD is 3, and pandemic parenting while both working full time with one really changed our trajectory. Now that our DD is starting to be self sufficient and can do activities etc, we are having a ball. DH is all but a hard no on a second but I am trying to come to terms with maybe this is it and the right choice for us. I am 40 this year and a I fear a second will put a huge amount of stress on our relationship, our finances, and overall well being. We are in a great place and DH is a great dad, but I will always wonder what the right choice is. I never imagined having just one...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not the OP, but struggling with this as well. Our DD is 3, and pandemic parenting while both working full time with one really changed our trajectory. Now that our DD is starting to be self sufficient and can do activities etc, we are having a ball. DH is all but a hard no on a second but I am trying to come to terms with maybe this is it and the right choice for us. I am 40 this year and a I fear a second will put a huge amount of stress on our relationship, our finances, and overall well being. We are in a great place and DH is a great dad, but I will always wonder what the right choice is. I never imagined having just one...

Stress on relationship means it's a no.

If you just learned to swim comfortably, why jump straight into a river with a strong current?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not the OP, but struggling with this as well. Our DD is 3, and pandemic parenting while both working full time with one really changed our trajectory. Now that our DD is starting to be self sufficient and can do activities etc, we are having a ball. DH is all but a hard no on a second but I am trying to come to terms with maybe this is it and the right choice for us. I am 40 this year and a I fear a second will put a huge amount of stress on our relationship, our finances, and overall well being. We are in a great place and DH is a great dad, but I will always wonder what the right choice is. I never imagined having just one...

Perhaps it might help to think that even if you wanted a second it might not happen. We tried and wanted one but it wasn’t in the cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could get over infertility (wasn’t meant to be) but not a DH saying no. Why is he saying no?

As an only child myself, I convinced DH to have the second when he was initially hesitant. Five years later, he is very happy.

I convinced my then husband to have another and we are divorced. 2nd was too much of a strain on our relationship and finances. Know your limit. We were fine with 3. Now the struggle is more than I imagined. Make sure it is something you both really Want. Dont create resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could get over infertility (wasn’t meant to be) but not a DH saying no. Why is he saying no?

As an only child myself, I convinced DH to have the second when he was initially hesitant. Five years later, he is very happy.

I convinced my then husband to have another and we are divorced. 2nd was too much of a strain on our relationship and finances. Know your limit. We were fine with 3. Now the struggle is more than I imagined. Make sure it is something you both really Want. Dont create resentment.

*were fine with just the 3 of us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, some of it was time, some of it was appreciating what I had, including the advantages of an only, and some of it was never wanting my child to sense from me that she wasn't enough.

New PP. I feel this so deeply in my soul. As we wind down our available infertility treatment options I’m deeply grieving the family I dreamed of but will never have. It comes in waves, but I feel so guilty when I look at what a truly amazing kid we have and feel like he’s not enough.

Right now it’s a lot of tears. I called a therapist on Friday but started to break down crying so I’m not even sure she could get my number to call back. If she doesn’t I’m going to ask a friend to call a few on my behalf.

I don’t know how to stop hoping for a miracle each month.

Thank you to everyone who shared. I feel less alone.

[Anonymous]

I have a suspicion that according to my biological impulses, the perfect number of children would always be n+1, with n equaling however many children you currently have. So I think it's a matter of being grateful for what you do have. Of course, you should grieve all you want too. It's totally natural to be upset about your life circumstances not being what you envisioned. But ultimately you realize that even if you wanted another child, continued fertility is not guaranteed, or you could have a child who requires an enormous amount of care, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP I have 3 kids and often fantasize about having just 1. My kids are 9, 7 and almost 4 and our life is crazy. Multiple schools, multiple pickups, multiple activities, multiple friends, birthdays, play dates, sleepovers, homework, tests, events, emotional needs, etc.
I have a flexible job and I manage, but there is never time (or money) for me.
I love my kids and I am ok with the chaos (quite like it actually) and I think my kids are happy, successful and awesome, but it’s hard.
There are many benefits of having just one (for the parents especially in my opinion).

Also, I disagree with PP above. I wanted one more after the second was born, but felt completely done after the third.

[Anonymous]

My first was stillborn, so it looks like I have an only, which I do, and don’t…we thought long and hard about trying for a third, but ended up deciding against it. That second pregnancy was just too stressful, too hard, too everything. We are happy with one living child.

[Anonymous]

I have a family member who was pregnant with her third child when her oldest passed away at age 4. She then miscarried at 8 weeks and has one child after thinking should would have three. There are a lot of scenarios out there where someone didn’t choose to only have one child.