Reply to If you wanted more than 1 child but ended up one and done

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Reply to "If you wanted more than 1 child but ended up one and done - what helped you to get over it?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Not quite the same, but [b]I *originally* wanted two (or zero -- never an only)[/b]. Then I had one, who was a super easy baby, and it was still way too hard for me personally and I grieved my old life so much. So I stopped at one, and I had to come to terms with that choice. it took about a year and a half to feel at peace with it and now, 3 years out, I am delighted and I have to stop myself from feeling smug about what a great life choice I made. [/quote]

Can you elaborate on this thinking? I hear it often and I've never understood it. Why 0 or 2, but never 1?

OP, time and focusing on the positives really make the difference. The whole "my family isn't complete" thing is an illusion. Almost none of us get the exact life we envision for ourselves. You could have your perfect sized family, then lose your spouse or a child. You could get divorced. Have chronic illness or addiction issues. Life is never perfect, and it's up to you to find the joy and benefits in the life you do have. By the time your child becomes elementary aged, it will become pretty clear how much simpler and peaceful your life is. That's something to embrace even if you would have welcomed the chaos. If it's been 5+ years and you're still actively grieving, then that's a sign that you are struggling in other areas of your mental health and still have work to do. The thing is, even if you had two kids, you still would have had those struggles and would have expressed them in other ways. It's very natural to grieve and process, but if it's been a few years and you can't let it go, then that's a sign.

Plus my child loves being an only child. Read about adult only children who loved their childhoods, it's heartening and gives you a parenting goal to work towards![/quote]

new poster but I have a similar situation to the PP you are responding to.

I *originally* wanted 2-3, DH wanted 2, open to 3. Both of us agreed we would not want a singleton (big desire for them to experience the relationships of siblings).  Also both of us are rather uptight ridged intense people, and feared the pressure we would put on a singleton.

Turns out, one is hard enough!  DH was the first to adamantly state one-and-done.  I grieved the loss of this fictitious sibling for a long time.  But as our child got older (now 4) it's lessened.  As I get father from the hormonal desires I felt when my child was a baby, I see all the benefits of having one (as others pointed out, less stress on my marriage, more flexibility with finances, no need to divide and conquer allows more time for adult hobbies, etc).

As reality hit, it became apparent that the reality of our circumstances is more important that this perceived ideal family unit we *thought* we wanted, back we didn't know anything about the true stresses of being a parent![/quote]

+1 the postpartum hormonal desire for more children is real. I have never been baby obsessed but as soon as DD was born I felt this strong need for another child. Now that she is almost 4 I still think how it would be nice to have another but those thoughts are countered by the reality that having another child would be SO much more work, money spent, sleep deprivation , stress. And less.time actually enjoying my relationship with DH.[/quote]

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