Recently discovered that my grandfather is not my bio
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Anonymous
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Via Ancestry, I recently discovered that the man I thought was my bio grandfather is not. Several cousins by different aunts (mom’s sisters) that I thought were full cousins were tested, and the results returned as only my half-first cousins. However, their results are full first cousins. My grandfather is long deceased and so are my grandmother and mother. I feel guilty for being relieved that I'm not biologically related to him because he wasn't a good person (abusive/alcoholic), and from the stories my mom told, he brought a lot of turmoil and generational dysfunction that thankfully bypassed my mother. I did the math, and my grandmother was apparently pregnant with my mom when she married him, so I assume she miscalculated the conception dates. No matter, I'm okay with the discovery, though sad that my mom died not knowing the truth. I am currently searching for my bio grandfather, though he's most likely dead, and relatives.
Is it insensitive to begin referring to the man I thought was my grandfather as something other than my grandfather around my (half) cousins? He died when I was 7, I only vaguely remember him, and I would like to wipe that dysfunction from my genetic resume since it's inaccurate. Again part of me feels guilty because that's the story I know, but the other part is excited about my new truth and want to openly discover it. I've already told my kids and dad. |
Anonymous
| Why do you assume grandma miscalculated? Maybe your bio grandfather was the worse of the two. |
Anonymous
Because I loved her, and since I will likely never know what led to the blip, I have decided not to demonize and reverse my opinion of her. |
Anonymous
| Whoa!! I’m on ancestry and this is NOT enough info to say that is not your biological grandfather. |
Anonymous
What do you mean? The centimorgans are in the low 400s between all my cousins and me. Thier's, however, are in the 800/900s. Nearly every website we have researched says the relatedness is either they are my half-first cousins or like great aunts or some other impossible scenario. Plus, it has connected me to relatives on "the other side" (mom's side) that don't show up in the cousins' list of relatives. |
Anonymous
How does this idea demonize grandma? |
Anonymous
I think this is some messed up thinking on your part. It's very likely she knew she was pregnant and your grandfather and he knew as well. |
Anonymous
+1 I am the first response. I would assume grandma made an educated decision, and chose the better option of the two suitors. If grandpa was a jerk, that could mean bio gramps was worse. Of course there are other possibilities, none of which demonize your grandma (none that I can think of at least). |
Anonymous
Right. She made a choice like a lot of women made back in the day so grandpa turned out to be a jerk doesn't make your grandma a bad person. Since none of these people are a live I'd encourage op not to create a narrative. I |
Anonymous
True. But I've decided not to care about that part because it will lead me down a never-ending rabbit hole of dead ends. My dad insists that my mother died not knowing. So that part of the story I've decided to leave be. However, I'm intrigued with the new parts I can uncover. Plus, my mom died from breast cancer, and all these years we thought it was random since none of my aunts had it. Now, I would like to know if it's potentially genetically linked to this side. |
Anonymous
Yes, it's insensitive to your cousins, since you're seemingly taking glee in the fact that you don't share the "dysfunction" from their "genetic resume." Yuck. |
Anonymous
| Careful what you wish for. The answer may be darker than what you originally believed to be true. |
Anonymous
| Your Grandfather was your Mother’s father, no matter what you think of him. He raised her. Genetics is only part of the equation. If your mother was adopted, would you erase her father from your family? You need therapy to deal with your feelings about your family, not an excuse to deny they exist because you may not share all of the same dna. |
Anonymous
I have oddly varying percentages with different cousins. For some reason ten to 12 percent of a match with his three cousins on his moms dads side but only five percent with my dads first cousin on my dads moms side. I don’t think it means anything. |
Anonymous
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I have an adopted sibling. Neither of us ever knew our grandparents. They were alll dead before either of us were born. As an adult, my sibling didn't consider "our" grandparents as hers because she knew she wasn't biologically related AND she'd never had any sort of relationship with them. She had no interest at all in learning about our family history. On the other hand, she did consider our cousins, aunts and uncles as her cousins, aunts and uncles because, while she wasn't biologically related, they were family to her; she knew them. She is as much one of the cousins as I am. I'm not aware that she ever sat down and thought this out. It was just how she dealt with it. Living relatives she dealt with were her family. Ancestors of our parents were not.
So, to me, it wouldn't be insensitive to tell your cousins he wasn't your grandfather and so you're no longer going to call him that if they are all younger than you and don't remember him either. If they are older and knew him and he's part of the family story telling--even if negative--than I'd keep calling him grandpa or whatever term your family uses. One more thing...there MAY be other explanations for what you've found. Ancestry's "timber" methodology can give rather wacky results. If I were you, I'd hold off "spilling the beans" until you have more information. |