Recently discovered that my grandfather is not my bio

[Anonymous]

Let's say your mom (who we'll assume you like) adopted you. Would you say she isn't your mom?

To me, biology isn't the sole determinant of who should be called mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, etc. It's who serves in that role.

It stinks that you had a crappy, abusive grandfather. You're free to disown him, but he was still the man who served as your grandfather and your parent's father. Bio grandpa was not in the picture, right? I'm not sure that trying to deny he was your grandfather solves the emotional pain you have, but I understand why you think it may. Of course, do as you please, just offering another perspective.

Tread carefully with who you share long-held family secrets with. Sometimes those revelations cause more pain then anything else. In these situations I always ask myself, "is there a benefit for this other person to have this information?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Is it insensitive to begin referring to the man I thought was my grandfather as something other than my grandfather around my (half) cousins? He died when I was 7, I only vaguely remember him, and I would like to wipe that dysfunction from my genetic resume since it's inaccurate. Again part of me feels guilty because that's the story I know, but the other part is excited about my new truth and want to openly discover it. I've already told my kids and dad.

Yes, it's insensitive.

Sounds like some therapy might be a better avenue for you. Before you wreak havoc on your cousins out of spite for your grandfather.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a personal decision but you need to think long and hard through this before you discussing with the extended family. He’s still your grandfather, even if not biological and even if he wasn’t a good person. He raised your mom and was part of the family.

+1

[Anonymous]

WTF is a “centimorgan”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you assume grandma miscalculated? Maybe your bio grandfather was the worse of the two.

Because I loved her, and since I will likely never know what led to the blip, I have decided not to demonize and reverse my opinion of her.

I think this is some messed up thinking on your part.

It's very likely she knew she was pregnant and your grandfather and he knew as well.

This.Your grandmother knew she was pregnant, knew it wasn't his, and he knew, too.

This is one of those situations older people try to pretend didn't happen back in the day.

You need to sit on this and decide what you really want out of this situation. I would contact a therapist if I were you.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this can change your perspective . If you are older and you are talking about your mom, back then women had to get married if they were pregnant out of wedlock.

Your grandfather likely figured out your mom wasn't his kid but decided to stay around for whatever reason. The drinking could have been a manifestation of this resentment. Was he only abusive to your mom and you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this can change your perspective . If you are older and you are talking about your mom, back then women had to get married if they were pregnant out of wedlock.

Your grandfather likely figured out your mom wasn't his kid but decided to stay around for whatever reason. The drinking could have been a manifestation of this resentment. Was he only abusive to your mom and you?

Op here, he wasn't abusive to my cousins at all or me. I was 7 when he died, and I barely remember him. I only know stories of his rage via what I heard over the years and the resulting echoes of dysfunction in the family. As far as I know, he was only physically abusive to my grandmother but verbally/emotionally abusive to the entire household. The kids (my mom and aunts) saw the drunken rage and abuse; cops called, fleeing to live with relatives, etc.

Again, I am glad we aren't related. Part of my ease with separating myself from him is because there is no emotional attachment and few memories to begin. However, I would be devasted if my paternal grandfather wasn't my bio because I was crazy about him! I will admit that there may be a bit of romanticizing of who the new/bio grandfather is on my part, and other ops are correct that the reality of him could be far worse.

Alot of people out here would encourage cutting ties with the non-bio grandfather if he were still alive, so what I don't understand is why it's viewed as wrong to cut ties with the dead?

Also, for clarification, I don't fault my grandmother at all. I would never want to trade places with women of that time; they had it rough and had to do what was necessary to survive.