Mom is upset we no longer want to use her middle name for our daughter

[Anonymous]

My husband and I had planned to use my mom’s middle name for our daughter’s middle name. It’s also my grandma and great grandma’s middle name, and my other great grandma’s first name (never met her). Understandably, my mom was upset when I told her that we are considering changing her middle name. We don’t want to use the name anymore for several reasons.

1. My mom has been toxic and verbally abusive throughout my life, especially during my pregnancy. I initially thought it would be nice to give her a family name, now I’m just not so sure. I’m trying to break generational curses
2. The more we look at and say her name, we don’t think it flows
3. Every time we tell someone her name, they assume or ask if we are Catholic

The people pleaser in me just wants to keep it, but my husband and I really want to change it. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a nice tradition but not if it does not work for you. Maybe a similar name?

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to name her Maria if you don’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Keep the same initial but choose a new name?

[Anonymous]

Your baby, your choice. Pick what you like and keep it all to yourself until the child arrives.

Mom will be unbearable until the baby is born, but she will come around.

[Anonymous]

Why did you even open that can of worms? Talk less that is the key op.

[Anonymous]

1. Pick the name you want.
2. Stop talking about the name until the baby is born. Say nothing. If asked, say, “We’re not sure yet.”
3. Learn your lesson for the next baby. There is no discussion about name choices with anyone except spouse. The closer the person is to you (family, friend), the less you talk.
4. Share name when baby is born. When your verbally abusive mother makes a snide comment and/or pouts, tell her it’s time to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to name her Maria if you don’t want to.

Ha, that was my first thought too.

[Anonymous]

You don’t have to name the baby that. It’s not up for discussion. Stop sharing and learn to set boundaries. Like when she says something mean mom I won’t to,reste being spoken to this way. I am leaving/hanging up. If you can’t speak to me with respect, you’re going to have to leave, then show her the door.

[Anonymous]

What middle name are you thinking of instead? It sounds like your mother didn’t give you HER mother’s middle name, so maybe gently remind her of that. But generally, don’t say things in advance. Announce them is and when they are done deals.

Sorry your mother is toxic. What’s her problem with your pregnancy?!

[Anonymous]

Change it. You tried it, it doesn't work. Can you sub in a different family name (from a relative who was kind and loving)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to name her Maria if you don’t want to.

Ha, that was my first thought too.

I thought Mary.

[Anonymous]

Look, you should name your kid what you want to name her, but it was a really crappy move to tell your mom you were going to honor her with your daughter’s middle name and then come back with “oh, jk, we’re over it.”

Sheesh. Make a firm decision before you announce something like that!

[Anonymous]

It’s understandable she’s upset. If someone said they were naming their child after me and then changed their mind I’d be hurt. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t name your kid whatever you want for whatever reason but I hope you at least acknowledge that it’s hurtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Pick the name you want.
2. Stop talking about the name until the baby is born. Say nothing. If asked, say, “We’re not sure yet.”
3. Learn your lesson for the next baby. There is no discussion about name choices with anyone except spouse. The closer the person is to you (family, friend), the less you talk.
4. Share name when baby is born. When your verbally abusive mother makes a snide comment and/or pouts, tell her it’s time to leave.

+1. It's totally understandable for her to be unhappy you said you were going to honor her with the baby's name and changed your mind. Change it, but this is a you problem, since you told her in the first place.