Mom is upset we no longer want to use her middle name for our daughter

[Anonymous]

My advice is: stop talking about this with your mom. Just make this decision with your husband and when the baby is born, announce the name. Stop trying to please your mother - you never will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don’t have to name her Maria if you don’t want to.

Ha, that was my first thought too.

I thought Mary.

Or Frances?

[Anonymous]

Lol for those wondering, the name is Theresa

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I had planned to use my mom’s middle name for our daughter’s middle name. It’s also my grandma and great grandma’s middle name, and my other great grandma’s first name (never met her). Understandably, my mom was upset when I told her that we are considering changing her middle name. We don’t want to use the name anymore for several reasons.

1. My mom has been toxic and verbally abusive throughout my life, especially during my pregnancy. I initially thought it would be nice to give her a family name, now I’m just not so sure. I’m trying to break generational curses
2. The more we look at and say her name, we don’t think it flows
3. Every time we tell someone her name, they assume or ask if we are Catholic

The people pleaser in me just wants to keep it, but my husband and I really want to change it. Any advice?

#3 is a silly reason not to use a name. #2 is somewhat reasonable, but people very rarely use both names together, so it's not really critical. #1 is a fine reason to use it, but there's no way to tell her that without causing problems. You might consider whether you could use the name if you didn't think of it as "your mom's name," and instead as a family name. That said, if you don't want to use it, and you've already told your mom that you were planning to use it (now you know why people don't share names in advance!), you just have to deal with it and give her reason #2. Bonus if you can find an alternative middle name that has some family connection (on your side).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, you should name your kid what you want to name her, but it was a really crappy move to tell your mom you were going to honor her with your daughter’s middle name and then come back with “oh, jk, we’re over it.”

Sheesh. Make a firm decision before you announce something like that!

+1
Don't tell anyone the name until the baby is born.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lol for those wondering, the name is Theresa

Ha! That is hilarious. That’s my middle name. I’m named after both of my grandmothers.
I posted the numbered list earlier. I still stand by that. Choose the name you want and DON’T TELL ANYONE.

[Anonymous]

Why tell her? Sounds like you want to cause drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s understandable she’s upset. If someone said they were naming their child after me and then changed their mind I’d be hurt. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t name your kid whatever you want for whatever reason but I hope you at least acknowledge that it’s hurtful.

This, and it sounds as though you're poking the bear with this bait & switch, OP. You could have done it without informing your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is: stop talking about this with your mom. Just make this decision with your husband and when the baby is born, announce the name. Stop trying to please your mother - you never will.

This. Pick something else that you like better, and stop discussing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I had planned to use my mom’s middle name for our daughter’s middle name. It’s also my grandma and great grandma’s middle name, and my other great grandma’s first name (never met her). Understandably, my mom was upset when I told her that we are considering changing her middle name. We don’t want to use the name anymore for several reasons.

1. My mom has been toxic and verbally abusive throughout my life, especially during my pregnancy. I initially thought it would be nice to give her a family name, now I’m just not so sure. I’m trying to break generational curses
2. The more we look at and say her name, we don’t think it flows
3. Every time we tell someone her name, they assume or ask if we are Catholic

The people pleaser in me just wants to keep it, but my husband and I really want to change it. Any advice?

Do what you want. But also, you shouldn't have said you were going to use it if it wasn't set in stone. I would find it a bit of a slap in the face if I was in your mom's shoes, TBH.

[Anonymous]

This is exactly why you don't talk about babies names until the baby is born. Pick and name and stop talking about it.

[Anonymous]

Why on earth does your toxic mom o ow this much about your life? Now that you are bringing a kid into the world, it is a good time to reevaluate your boundaries. Toxic mom is going to have a million toxic opinions on how you raise your kid.

Add me to the list of people that told NO ONE our kid’s names until those kids were out of the womb. Everyone has an opinion and I wasn’t interested I. Their thoughts. We went gender neutral which we knew the grandparents would likely hate. But since they didn’t hear those names until the babies were out there in the bright, new world, we never heard a peep out of any of them about it.

[Anonymous]

OP here,

I totally acknowledge that it must be disappointing for my mom to learn that we are considering changing my daughter’s middle name after we already picked it. I’m also aware that we shouldn’t have announced her name until after her birth. This is our first baby and we have definitely learned our lesson! I always wondered why people waited— now I understand.

I just feel like my mom hasn’t been deserving. We have a very complicated relationship and it was probably (definitely) a mistake to tell her we were using her name. She has just been terrible throughout my pregnancy. She is a narcissist and my therapist suggested that perhaps she’s afraid of losing some control or power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I totally acknowledge that it must be disappointing for my mom to learn that we are considering changing my daughter’s middle name after we already picked it. I’m also aware that we shouldn’t have announced her name until after her birth. This is our first baby and we have definitely learned our lesson! I always wondered why people waited— now I understand.

I just feel like my mom hasn’t been deserving. We have a very complicated relationship and it was probably (definitely) a mistake to tell her we were using her name. She has just been terrible throughout my pregnancy. She is a narcissist and my therapist suggested that perhaps she’s afraid of losing some control or power.

OP, I'm sorry your mom has been awful to you, but you've known her your whole life, so saying she's not deserving AFTER telling her you were using the name is 100% on you. It's a separate issue than whether she's a narcissist or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Use your middle name. It sounds like Theresa was used for a while and she broke the tradition with you. So now you tell her you’re continuing your name as the new tradition that she started.