Nonstop fighting at Thanksgiving, how do I make it stop?

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11/27/2022 21:51

Subject: Nonstop fighting at Thanksgiving, how do I make it stop?

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Anonymous

We just got back from Thanksgiving weekend at my parents, and I am exhausted and ashamed. We fought in front of my children multiple times a day - and this year, they are old enough to notice and get upset by it.

The problem is, my kids adore my parents and vice versa. And I just don't feel like anything my parents do is bad enough to warrant going no-contact or skipping the holidays entirely. My parents are really, really wonderful grandparents to my children.

The reason our visits are so explosive are...

(1) We are polar opposites. They are loud, chaotic, messy, always late. If they are hosting a meal at their house, they're making twice as much food as needed, looking up recipes at the last minute, jumping from one dish to the next, this one is burning, that one's missing ingredients. When we finally sit down over an hour late, it turns out everything's gone cold so they reheat it and burn it some more, then it doesn't fit on the table because they made to much, so serving becomes this awkward juggling act. Throughout the prepping and eating, everyone interrupts and talks over each other, give each other contradictory directions, etc.

If we're going somewhere, they're inevitably late, running around, can't find keys, clothes, cell phones. They refuse to skip anything to get back on schedule (for example, my mom must do full makeup and jewelry even if we're 30 min late to dinner, rather than skipping a step to save time).

Generally, their house is just overstuffed with things. There is never any space on kitchen counters to make a cup of tea, if you open the fridge, things are falling out, all surfaces (tables, dressers, desks) are just filled with stuff. Nothing can be thrown out. Cabinets, closets, etc all bursting.

As someone who really values being on time, staying organized, not shouting, not letting stuff pile up, this is really stressful and unpleasant to me. I feel like a lot of my self-control is eroded by dealing with their way of life while we visit.

(2) They come from a cultural background where parents are really intrusive and have no boundaries. For example, my mom will ask what's wrong with my teeth because they are looking worse, and expect me to discuss my dental treatments in detail. Or she'll ask me to take a couple of boxes of stuff back home in my car, and when I say we unfortunately don't have room, she demands that I explain exactly what items we are packing and how, and tell me how to rearrange the car and find space for her boxes. If my kids start crying she'll run over and grab them in her arms while I'm right there trying to deal with the issue.

(3) We don't have a lot of common. They don't respect and aren't interested in my startup or volunteer work, which is how I spend all my time outside of parenting. They think that working makes me a worse parent. I am always kind of the black sheep compared to my siblings, who chose more traditional paths, with dads in corporate jobs focused on making money and moms staying at home, and zero interest in volunteering or making a difference in the world. They will all passionately talk about and praise my sister's/SIL's newest recipes or whatever, and not even ask me about myself. They play favorites without even noticing it -- they just click more naturally with my siblings and their spouses.

I have tried talking to them about all this and they basically say, "We are how we are, we are not going to change". In their culture, parents are always right, and so their read on everything is that I'm a disrespectful daughter ruining the visits for everyone.

Every time I see them, I give myself a pep talk that I can't change them, and I just need to stay calm. I try to give myself breaks - staying at a hotel, planning activities away from them during the weekend, etc. Things usually start ok - for the first day or so. But then, 75+% of what they do or say is triggering to me, and eventually I just crack.

To a stranger, it might look like their comments are no big deal, but to me, they hit at the core of never fitting in or being respected, of having crippling low self-esteem because I was never good enough, always getting advice for how to do everything better. So I lose my cool and lash out, and they yell at me, and then we are fighting in front of the kids.

Because we live far away, we can't just come over for a few hours - we need to stay for 3-4 days. I have tried leaving the room and taking a break when things get heated, but then 30 minutes later, it happens again, so eventually we end up fighting anyway.

I have spent a small fortune on therapy, and got a detailed understanding of my childhood, how it affects me, why all of this is happening, why it's not necessarily their fault (both parents were raised in problematic families as well and just repeating what they know). But it doesn't actually fix things in the moment.

Christmas is coming up and I really don't want this to happen yet again. Is there anything I can realistically do?