Nonstop fighting at Thanksgiving, how do I make it stop?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents are very similar. I come from a Chinese background and the way you describe your parents is exactly like mine. Here are things that help me:

- I do not spend the night together with them. I would not stay at their house, even for one night, or have them stay at mine. Always a hotel.
- I limit the amount of time I spend with them to 3-4 hours max. Even on a trip we take together. I will hang out by myself.
- If my kid needs extra grandparents time because my kid loves her grandparents (which I actually really appreciate) then I leave kid alone with them and come later for meal
- I practice radical acceptance of my parents behaviors and lifestyle. Specifically I mean the dust, the piles of stuff, the messiness, my mothers utter inability to be on time
- I do not try and give them feedback. I try to make small talk and be pleasant and ground myself in a place of softness with them. I try to enjoy to the best of my ability small talk and make the small talk interesting in its own right.
- most therapeutic tool but this has taken me years to strengthen: If a comment is made that I am not ok or a behavior starts that I can’t stand I focus first on my own breathing and noticing what is happening in my body. I try and regulate myself and soothe my nerves. Then I decide whether I will leave soon or stay and exactly how much longer I will stay. The first few years I did this I would not comment on the behavior or comment because it was too triggering for me and I could not trust myself to be able to handle the response and not become fully fired up or overwhelmed. Over the years and as I worked on my own regulation I have gotten to the point where I can now easily say “I don’t want to talk about that”, “can you please stop doing that it’s too loud for me”, “please don’t play that way with kid,” etc… nonchalantly. If they don’t stop I don’t push either I just decide I am leaving and will say my goodbyes pleasantly a few minutes later. I do not also try and give them feedback and change them when I ask them to stop. This is not my job. My job is to take care of myself and let my needs and boundaries be known. If my needs won’t be respected it is not my parents responsibility to take care of them (at least not at this point), it’s my responsibility and I care for myself in a number of ways but the first way is removing myself from the situation.

I love my parents to be best of my ability and I know they love me too. There is a lot of trauma in my that they inflicted - emotionally and physically. But my parents have a lot of trauma too. I realized in my early 20s I had two choices - sever them completely or find a new way to have a relationship with them where I am safe because I know I can depend on myself and self soothe with clear boundaries. It’s 15+ years later now and the above works well 95% of the time. The remaining 5% of the time when they truly do something out of control and I let myself get too triggered and rage I take it to therapy or I distance myself from them for weeks or months - whatever it takes for me to truly recover.

I know I wrote an essay but I know how hard this is and I hope some of it helps. Good luck!

I was wondering if I wrote this! Thanks for your insights. It’s helpful to know others struggle in similar ways but have found ways to manage.

[Anonymous]

24 hour visit every other year. They can come to your town in between they want to visit. Stay in a hotel. I cannot stress this enough. Lie about start time and give them a 30 min window. Order your food if they have not arrived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:24 hour visit every other year. They can come to your town in between they want to visit. Stay in a hotel. I cannot stress this enough. Lie about start time and give them a 30 min window. Order your food if they have not arrived.

I am PP 15:07 from page 2.

This advice doesn't work for everyone. My in-laws live in Portland, OR. It's a day trip just to get out there and another to get back. Going for anything less than a week is not worth the travel time and jet lag.

This is why we do the airBnB and car rental. Then we can come and go as we please and we can do what works for our family, while still enjoying a week visit with the extended family and allowing our kids to meet and get to know their extended family. We can visit with them daily, for anywhere from a few hours to most of the day, but do so controlling the things, including meals and breaks, that will allow us to enjoy the visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are very similar. I come from a Chinese background and the way you describe your parents is exactly like mine. Here are things that help me:

- I do not spend the night together with them. I would not stay at their house, even for one night, or have them stay at mine. Always a hotel.
- I limit the amount of time I spend with them to 3-4 hours max. Even on a trip we take together. I will hang out by myself.
- If my kid needs extra grandparents time because my kid loves her grandparents (which I actually really appreciate) then I leave kid alone with them and come later for meal
- I practice radical acceptance of my parents behaviors and lifestyle. Specifically I mean the dust, the piles of stuff, the messiness, my mothers utter inability to be on time
- I do not try and give them feedback. I try to make small talk and be pleasant and ground myself in a place of softness with them. I try to enjoy to the best of my ability small talk and make the small talk interesting in its own right.
- most therapeutic tool but this has taken me years to strengthen: If a comment is made that I am not ok or a behavior starts that I can’t stand I focus first on my own breathing and noticing what is happening in my body. I try and regulate myself and soothe my nerves. Then I decide whether I will leave soon or stay and exactly how much longer I will stay. The first few years I did this I would not comment on the behavior or comment because it was too triggering for me and I could not trust myself to be able to handle the response and not become fully fired up or overwhelmed. Over the years and as I worked on my own regulation I have gotten to the point where I can now easily say “I don’t want to talk about that”, “can you please stop doing that it’s too loud for me”, “please don’t play that way with kid,” etc… nonchalantly. If they don’t stop I don’t push either I just decide I am leaving and will say my goodbyes pleasantly a few minutes later. I do not also try and give them feedback and change them when I ask them to stop. This is not my job. My job is to take care of myself and let my needs and boundaries be known. If my needs won’t be respected it is not my parents responsibility to take care of them (at least not at this point), it’s my responsibility and I care for myself in a number of ways but the first way is removing myself from the situation.

I love my parents to be best of my ability and I know they love me too. There is a lot of trauma in my that they inflicted - emotionally and physically. But my parents have a lot of trauma too. I realized in my early 20s I had two choices - sever them completely or find a new way to have a relationship with them where I am safe because I know I can depend on myself and self soothe with clear boundaries. It’s 15+ years later now and the above works well 95% of the time. The remaining 5% of the time when they truly do something out of control and I let myself get too triggered and rage I take it to therapy or I distance myself from them for weeks or months - whatever it takes for me to truly recover.

I know I wrote an essay but I know how hard this is and I hope some of it helps. Good luck!

I was wondering if I wrote this! Thanks for your insights. It’s helpful to know others struggle in similar ways but have found ways to manage.

I agree this is great advice and very insightful. The number one take away is do not stay with them. You cannot change them so figure out the boundaries that work so you can be on best behavior and let things slide. Reward yourself and take care of yourself and bring your sense of humor. Have escape strategies and a game plan if you need to end things early.