Nonstop fighting at Thanksgiving, how do I make it stop?

[Anonymous]

PS I was also very triggered by my mom until I realized she is literally crazy. She has finally been diagnosed with dementia. Which explains the strange behaviors and out bursts and odd controlling behavior. Now that I realize that, I also come from a "place of softness" with her. I simply accept that she is mentally deranged - literally - and respond with acceptance and kindness. She stood up at dinner and took my unfinished plate away? OK, I'm not going to starve. She said something outrageous? OK, calmly change the subject.
I realized I don't have much time left with her, and life is too short to be mad.

[Anonymous]

OP, I walk away and go to the bathroom, or take a walk, rather than responded. Your parents aren't going to change, so it's just about finding other ways to get out the anger away from them.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for typing that all out 10:16. That was really powerful. (/Not OP).

[Anonymous]

Leave and never return.

[Anonymous]

OP, bring snacks or appetizers to share 1-2 hours before dinner.

Another name for the Thanksgiving table is "groaning board" because food is overflowing on the table.

Adopt an attitude of gratitude. In these times of inflation your family has plenty of food and no one is hungry.

Get outside. Take some walks. Get some fresh air.

[Anonymous]

Be willing to help yourself
Hotel

[Anonymous]

Love all these suggestions... not OP but so helpful when family trigger me. Your parents likely have severe ADHD... helpful to learn as much as you can bc it can only help. It explains their disorganization, dysregulation, impulsivity, and difficulties respecting boundaries.

The more people who LOVE your children, the better for them. Helpful if you can focus on your parents building special memories with your children... it may distract you from triggers and allow you to view them through a different lens.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to stay for three to four days. Stay for two nights, max. And stay in a nice Airbnb or hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for typing that all out 10:16. That was really powerful. (/Not OP).

10:16, not op here, but I’ve been rereading your post several times over the last couple days in preparation for the holidays. Thanks again for spelling that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for typing that all out 10:16. That was really powerful. (/Not OP).

10:16, not op here, but I’ve been rereading your post several times over the last couple days in preparation for the holidays. Thanks again for spelling that out.

10:16 Poster here. Just want to say I am glad you are finding it helpful. Best of luck and grace to us all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- you say that you are ashamed of fighting in front of your kids -- why?[b] When people have conflict, they argue. This is normal and appropriate, and there is nothing inherently wrong with it. [b]I think that there is a very weird idea in the US, that arguing is to be avoided or that it is some sort of strange failing. Honestly, I would rather my kids see a respectful, non-violent argument than witness passive aggressiveness or awkward stony silence. Arguing is an indication that something is important to you, that you know how to justify your actions, and that you have enough spine to stand up for yourself. These aren't necessarily bad things to model.

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All I got from this is that you start up argument with your parents for no reason. You are the problem here. None that they do is a big deal, you sound like a control freak and, quite frankly, as if you nave narcissistic tendencies.
Why else would you be seeking arguments for some cold food and lost keys?

You are impressively wrong.

[Anonymous]

Lexapro.

[Anonymous]

Earpods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents sound delightful. You, not so much.

OP’s parents don’t sound delightful at all. Their house sounds gross and they insist on cooking when they clearly lack the skills (including time management) to do so. And being routinely late isn’t cute- it is rude and when that lateness means that people, including kids, are eating an hour later than expected, it is a problem.

OP, you have gotten some good advice here, including not to spend many holidays with your parents. Pick one holiday a year with them and then visit during non-holiday times, when it is easier to “go with the flow” and there is less pressure for things to be done a certain way.