Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household

[Anonymous]

My ILs are kind, warm-hearted and absolutely adore my kids. We take turns rotating holidays with my family and DH’s family, and within that we also take turns hosing holidays. This year, we are headed to ILs for Christmas.

Visiting ILs is always a bit tricky because they are very early risers, go-go-go types and like to “fret” about meals and what the day will hold—and by that I mean they like to pick over plans, make elaborate plans and then scrap them, and start all over again. (I think this is how they just prefer to fill their time, think through every possibility, and they like making plans. That’s totally fine, of course, it can just be a little stressful.) These dynamics are heightened at the holidays.

As my kids are now a bit older, they like sleeping in (always frowned upon—anyone who emerges after 7 a.m. is asked why they slept in, are they sick, “half the day is gone,” etc.) My kids (and DH and I) also like down time around the holidays, since it’s such a nice break from busy schedules with school, work and activities. By that I mean we like to read books and magazines, play games and do puzzles, take an afternoon nap, go for walks, and do little things like drive around and look at Christmas lights, or a baking project.

ILs like to fill every minute of the day, but live in a small time far away from tourist attractions, shops, and museums—it’s fine in the summer, but in winter/holidays, things are usually closed or have weird hours anyway. So they plan, realize they can’t do their plans, fret about it, make calls and frantically search the Internet to find ways to fill the time, when my family is perfectly content to bake cookies, watch a holiday movie, do a puzzle, and go for a walk around the pond.

MIL is already calling to discuss “sleeping arrangements,” even though we sleep in the exact same two rooms in the exact same configuration every time. She’s trying to menu plan but a day after it’s settled on what DH and I will bring, she’s scrapped the whole thing and is talking about elaborate alternate meals, when to be frank it’s usually either ham and sides or beef and sides at her holiday table.

Is there any way I can get out ahead of this, to avoid stress on either side? I do often pass the phone to DH, or leave him to respond to her, so I am trying to disengage from the direct crazy. Anyone had similar dynamics and strategies that worked?

[Anonymous]

1. Stay home for Christmas.
2. Stay in a hotel near them but not with them.

[Anonymous]

It honestly sounds like they are excited to host you and while they are high-strung, they are doing these things for you. It probably gives them something to do and look forward to.

I'd tell them we want to do a puzzle and watch a movie XXX day and then I'd maybe find something for the whole family to do another day. You make the plan and set the schedule so it's something you're happy with and it takes the "stress" off of them. Since you eat the same thing, just tell your ILs, if you make the ham, we will bring/make this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It honestly sounds like they are excited to host you and while they are high-strung, they are doing these things for you. It probably gives them something to do and look forward to.

I'd tell them we want to do a puzzle and watch a movie XXX day and then I'd maybe find something for the whole family to do another day. You make the plan and set the schedule so it's something you're happy with and it takes the "stress" off of them. Since you eat the same thing, just tell your ILs, if you make the ham, we will bring/make this.

Thank you! This is helpful. Maybe letting them “plan” for at least one or two days of down time will help them. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day especially, and I can blame it on the fact that—rightly—nothing will be open! Perhaps asking them to see if they have any puzzles or Dominoes or whatever around will keep them busy looking for chess sets and setting up a card table or two. Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

Just ignore their comments about when people wake up, etc. Give that no air. If your kids seem bothered by it, pull them aside and tell them it’s perfectly fine to wake up whenever, and they don’t need to respond to comments.

[Anonymous]

I bring a book or magazine so whenever I need to disengage from conversations, I start reading and let my husband finish up.

[Anonymous]

They sound excited to host you and like there isn’t much else exciting for them in their lives. I would just let it go and explain to the kids in advance what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Can’t you or DH call them out directly on their ridiculous behavior? I mean, be nice about it, but something like, mom, you’re stressing me out, we’ve been over the menu over and over it’s time to make a final decision or I will freak out, and also I’m thinking we need to figure out why we do this every holiday… Be up front and direct about your concerns.

[Anonymous]

When I first started reading this op I thought is this my BIL writing about us? I didn’t realize until marrying my husband that my family is like this. You describe it so well - fretting about, discussing every option and planning days out. Until spending time with my in laws I didn’t know many families just lazed around! It’s lovely. This is to say your in laws may not even quite “know” how to do this. I know that sounds silly but they want you to have a good time so to them that means finding activities for you. It has helped my parents for my sister and I to both be like hey I know this is kind of our family culture (and it’s become a bit of a joke) but we’d really like to just chill together as a family. Just explicitly talk about it and that we like just being around the house with them.

We accept that on the actual holiday day my parents will not be able to stop their fretting selves and will still work for the beautiful Christmas table or whatever it is and just try to love and enjoy that for what it is too, which is also special. But then ask for some of the other time to be downtime. Maybe your husband could chat with your in laws? He could even blame it on like mom you know how today kids are just so overscheduled and are work just has us running around we really want the kids to have some unscheduled time, if that would work better. Basically making it not about them but more about you

[Anonymous]

Comments on sleeping in: Growing children need their rest and they are on vacation! What specifically are they to do at 7 AM? Maybe you should consider a hotel.

Food and menus: Give her a deadline when you will be shopping for what you are bringing (about a week before you leave). Have they forgotten that you work? Once you have picked up 10# of potatoes, you are bringing the mashed potatoes.

Activities: You do the planning for a few excursions. Tell her ahead of time that you plan to do a specific hike and it will take an afternoon. Also, bring a few games with you.

I think their anxiety is based on they want you and your family to have a good time. Coming from a good place.

[Anonymous]

Well, in small town or rural living, it does require more planning. I grew up ultra-rural and you absolutely do double-check the hours before you go somewhere, because if it's not open you've wasted 3 hours in the car. That kind of planning effort is normal for rural life.

It may be that they want to show off their grandkids to others so they're hoping to run into people.

[Anonymous]

She may be feeling a lot of pressure to make sure you all have fun. What if your DH said, “Mom, you do such a nice job thinking about our visit. How about you make plans for Tuesday? We are up for the farm visit you were talking about for sure. On Wednesday, we will need some downtime. We will stay home and do puzzles, play games and make cookies. No need to worry about us that day - you can stay home with us or go out exploring if you prefer. Also to take some of the planning pressure off you, we will also take care of food/menu planning for Weds. We will keep it simple and make a lasagna and salad - no need for you to do anything. And we will bring ham, sweet potatoes and a pie for Christmas dinner.”

[Anonymous]

“We are so busy all the time. It’s such a treat to be here and relax. Don’t feel the need to fuss too much over plans! As the kids get older, the more they want and need the downtime.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It honestly sounds like they are excited to host you and while they are high-strung, they are doing these things for you. It probably gives them something to do and look forward to.

I'd tell them we want to do a puzzle and watch a movie XXX day and then I'd maybe find something for the whole family to do another day. You make the plan and set the schedule so it's something you're happy with and it takes the "stress" off of them. Since you eat the same thing, just tell your ILs, if you make the ham, we will bring/make this.

Thank you! This is helpful. Maybe letting them “plan” for at least one or two days of down time will help them. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day especially, and I can blame it on the fact that—rightly—nothing will be open! Perhaps asking them to see if they have any puzzles or Dominoes or whatever around will keep them busy looking for chess sets and setting up a card table or two. Thanks again!

I agree with the PP and also your thoughts. It sounds to me like they are so eager for you to come that they want it to be perfect...their questions come to you as anxiety and stress you out when they are simply eager to make you happy. So when you have been passive and noncommittal it has been interpreted by them as you are unhappy and dislike the plan, which is why your MIL calls back the next day with the new and improved plan. A little enthusiasm and joint participation may go a long way to resolving this. Just remember that they want you to be happy. Their eagerness shows this. Respond a little in kind as you're suggesting will probably make a big difference. Good luck! I hope you turn this dynamic around. It may not be perfect the first time but you (and they) will learn as you go along!

[Anonymous]

Regardless of MIL’s menu, you plan potatoes and a vegetable that will go with whatever she decides.

Frame a couple of things you would like to do as a family event or activity. Have a family matinee afternoon with movies and popcorn. Plan a family game night with cookies you all baked together earlier in the day.

Sounds like ILs feel like they have an obligation to entertain you. Get them involved in picking the movies, what to cookies to bake, and figuring out how to set up for game night. They’ll feel like they’re being good hosts and you’ll get some of the things you want.