Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household

[Anonymous]

In your case, I would clearly communicate (or have DH, depends on capacity and dynamics):

1) The thing we want most on vacation is to sleep in. We will all be sleeping in every day until 9or so. So instead of 3 full meals per day, can we just plan a nice Brunch around 10, some simple crudités as lunch, then dinner at 6? This will likely throw them off their axis in a good way—so many new menu ideas to research!

2) Yes, you need to sell them on puzzles and holiday movies as Official Plans, but you should also respect that for them, sitting around the house the entire day is clearly boring. So let them plan one thing per day, and suggest things you would all enjoy—taking a walk after dinner in a neighborhood with lots of lights (can they take note as they drive around town if they see a great place to do this)? Going for a walk or hike, other things that might actually be open, etc…

3) You may need to ritualize the loafing around the house in order for it to feel like Official Plans. So instead of “doing a puzzle or board game or something” have a Christmas Activity Countdown! With a Brand New Puzzle one day, a Family Game Night, the next day, Peppermint Poker another night (just use cheap bagged peppermints as chips), and special Christmas Movie viewings on other nights with special snacks needed (for example you have to have hot chocolate with all possible additives in order to watch Elf because Buddy the elf loves hot cocoa so much. If you are going for a stroll to check out Christmas lights, bring a container of candy or cookies and make it a Competition, where you all admire and vote on the best house in the neighborhood and then leave the prize candy on their porch with a little note. This stuff allows them to plan something specific such as food or card tables or what have you.


My guess is that a lot of the planning obsession is about them needing a checklist to feel like they made the “right” choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your case, I would clearly communicate (or have DH, depends on capacity and dynamics):

1) The thing we want most on vacation is to sleep in. We will all be sleeping in every day until 9or so. So instead of 3 full meals per day, can we just plan a nice Brunch around 10, some simple crudités as lunch, then dinner at 6? This will likely throw them off their axis in a good way—so many new menu ideas to research!

2) Yes, you need to sell them on puzzles and holiday movies as Official Plans, but you should also respect that for them, sitting around the house the entire day is clearly boring. So let them plan one thing per day, and suggest things you would all enjoy—taking a walk after dinner in a neighborhood with lots of lights (can they take note as they drive around town if they see a great place to do this)? Going for a walk or hike, other things that might actually be open, etc…

3) You may need to ritualize the loafing around the house in order for it to feel like Official Plans. So instead of “doing a puzzle or board game or something” have a Christmas Activity Countdown! With a Brand New Puzzle one day, a Family Game Night, the next day, Peppermint Poker another night (just use cheap bagged peppermints as chips), and special Christmas Movie viewings on other nights with special snacks needed (for example you have to have hot chocolate with all possible additives in order to watch Elf because Buddy the elf loves hot cocoa so much. If you are going for a stroll to check out Christmas lights, bring a container of candy or cookies and make it a Competition, where you all admire and vote on the best house in the neighborhood and then leave the prize candy on their porch with a little note. This stuff allows them to plan something specific such as food or card tables or what have you.


My guess is that a lot of the planning obsession is about them needing a checklist to feel like they made the “right” choices.

NP. I cannot imagine accommodating crazy people who can’t relax around their own family to this absurd degree. I totally agree with you that communication is key, but the rest of this is insane. DH communicates up front that you will all be sleeping in, and you will like to hang out at home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and he can suggest a few additional activities for the other days.

If they can’t stand to stay in the house, they can literally take a hike or do whatever they want. And if they can’t handle that, they shouldn’t be hosting.

[Anonymous]

Could it be that they're trying to get you out of the house because they need a break from you/your kids? Or that your kids are damaging things?

[Anonymous]

“The kids will love it. I plan on reading a book by the fire—finally!—so please don’t count me in.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family and I are like this. I hate it and want to change but it's not easy. Part of it comes from the feeling I know I learned from my mom, of being the one responsible for everyone being happy, like if I plan wrong and somebody's disappointed it's on me.

My one wish for guests is that if you're asked for an opinion, just give one. Get me out of purgatory. Don't say "anything is great!" for dinner (and not tell me you quit eating red meat or wheat until dinnertime, but no worries, you're totally happy just eating the green beans!). Don't say "oh, I don't care what we do that day," say you WANT to stay home and play board games. Making decisions for 10 people who refuse to express an opinion feels high pressure.

x1000 The passive aggressive game is so ridiculous. If you are a grown up, then act like a grown up.

OP here. I do. I actively participate not only in meal planning, but in shopping and preparing meals. I have even directly expressed that we don’t want to go out and do much on certain days, like Christmas Eve, only to be met with exclamations that of course we have to get out of the house and do something—which, beyond church, a walk and driving to look at lights, you usually can’t do on Christmas Eve because things are closed. I think a PP was right and I’m going to have to sell a walk, a puzzle and popcorn with a movie as Official Plans to appease their need to Officially Plan.

Wow, not the person you're responding to, but with snark like yours it is pretty clear why you're having problems with your inlaws. Frankly, the more you post, the less likable you become. It is hard to see what your husband sees in you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could it be that they're trying to get you out of the house because they need a break from you/your kids? Or that your kids are damaging things?

The inlaws are going with them on the outings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My family and I are like this. I hate it and want to change but it's not easy. Part of it comes from the feeling I know I learned from my mom, of being the one responsible for everyone being happy, like if I plan wrong and somebody's disappointed it's on me.

My one wish for guests is that if you're asked for an opinion, just give one. Get me out of purgatory. Don't say "anything is great!" for dinner (and not tell me you quit eating red meat or wheat until dinnertime, but no worries, you're totally happy just eating the green beans!). Don't say "oh, I don't care what we do that day," say you WANT to stay home and play board games. Making decisions for 10 people who refuse to express an opinion feels high pressure.

So you want them to be very direct and explicitly clear with you, but you won’t directly say to them, “It’s very stressful when you don’t give me specific ideas or make your wishes very clear—please get me out of purgatory”? Do I have that right?

Of course I've said this directly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your case, I would clearly communicate (or have DH, depends on capacity and dynamics):

1) The thing we want most on vacation is to sleep in. We will all be sleeping in every day until 9or so. So instead of 3 full meals per day, can we just plan a nice Brunch around 10, some simple crudités as lunch, then dinner at 6? This will likely throw them off their axis in a good way—so many new menu ideas to research!

2) Yes, you need to sell them on puzzles and holiday movies as Official Plans, but you should also respect that for them, sitting around the house the entire day is clearly boring. So let them plan one thing per day, and suggest things you would all enjoy—taking a walk after dinner in a neighborhood with lots of lights (can they take note as they drive around town if they see a great place to do this)? Going for a walk or hike, other things that might actually be open, etc…

3) You may need to ritualize the loafing around the house in order for it to feel like Official Plans. So instead of “doing a puzzle or board game or something” have a Christmas Activity Countdown! With a Brand New Puzzle one day, a Family Game Night, the next day, Peppermint Poker another night (just use cheap bagged peppermints as chips), and special Christmas Movie viewings on other nights with special snacks needed (for example you have to have hot chocolate with all possible additives in order to watch Elf because Buddy the elf loves hot cocoa so much. If you are going for a stroll to check out Christmas lights, bring a container of candy or cookies and make it a Competition, where you all admire and vote on the best house in the neighborhood and then leave the prize candy on their porch with a little note. This stuff allows them to plan something specific such as food or card tables or what have you.


My guess is that a lot of the planning obsession is about them needing a checklist to feel like they made the “right” choices.

This is a good post! Great ideas. I was also thinking about casting the sitting around as Family Christmas Tradition.

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts:

-Lay out your “Official” calmer plans and have your DH call his parents to sell them on them
-Consider staying in a hotel, at least for part of the time
-Make the trip shorter
-Accept that this is the way they are. PP is right in that they do need plan more if they live in a rural area. Just as you don’t want to be running around all day, they don’t want to be in the house all day. So, compromise, again with your DH selling that to them

[Anonymous]

My husband handles this by straightforwardly saying things like, “mom, thanks, but, no, we’re going to ….” Doesn’t seem to leave any hard feelings coming from him. He’s very independent and pretty much does what he wants, so I suspect he’s spent his whole life doing much the same and all are used to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few thoughts:

-Lay out your “Official” calmer plans and have your DH call his parents to sell them on them
-Consider staying in a hotel, at least for part of the time
-Make the trip shorter
-Accept that this is the way they are. PP is right in that they do need plan more if they live in a rural area. Just as you don’t want to be running around all day, they don’t want to be in the house all day. So, compromise, again with your DH selling that to them

What is stopping the ILs from going out even if OP’s family prefers to go for a walk, do a puzzle and relax?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your case, I would clearly communicate (or have DH, depends on capacity and dynamics):

1) The thing we want most on vacation is to sleep in. We will all be sleeping in every day until 9or so. So instead of 3 full meals per day, can we just plan a nice Brunch around 10, some simple crudités as lunch, then dinner at 6? This will likely throw them off their axis in a good way—so many new menu ideas to research!

2) Yes, you need to sell them on puzzles and holiday movies as Official Plans, but you should also respect that for them, sitting around the house the entire day is clearly boring. So let them plan one thing per day, and suggest things you would all enjoy—taking a walk after dinner in a neighborhood with lots of lights (can they take note as they drive around town if they see a great place to do this)? Going for a walk or hike, other things that might actually be open, etc…

3) You may need to ritualize the loafing around the house in order for it to feel like Official Plans. So instead of “doing a puzzle or board game or something” have a Christmas Activity Countdown! With a Brand New Puzzle one day, a Family Game Night, the next day, Peppermint Poker another night (just use cheap bagged peppermints as chips), and special Christmas Movie viewings on other nights with special snacks needed (for example you have to have hot chocolate with all possible additives in order to watch Elf because Buddy the elf loves hot cocoa so much. If you are going for a stroll to check out Christmas lights, bring a container of candy or cookies and make it a Competition, where you all admire and vote on the best house in the neighborhood and then leave the prize candy on their porch with a little note. This stuff allows them to plan something specific such as food or card tables or what have you.


My guess is that a lot of the planning obsession is about them needing a checklist to feel like they made the “right” choices.

NP. I cannot imagine accommodating crazy people who can’t relax around their own family to this absurd degree. I totally agree with you that communication is key, but the rest of this is insane. DH communicates up front that you will all be sleeping in, and you will like to hang out at home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and he can suggest a few additional activities for the other days.

If they can’t stand to stay in the house, they can literally take a hike or do whatever they want. And if they can’t handle that, they shouldn’t be hosting.

How is it overly accommodating? I literally gave OP suggestions for how to help better get the concept of doing what OP and her family enjoys and then suggested that they could get out of the house once a day, since that is what the hosts enjoy. Do you not compromise at all with family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few thoughts:

-Lay out your “Official” calmer plans and have your DH call his parents to sell them on them
-Consider staying in a hotel, at least for part of the time
-Make the trip shorter
-Accept that this is the way they are. PP is right in that they do need plan more if they live in a rural area. Just as you don’t want to be running around all day, they don’t want to be in the house all day. So, compromise, again with your DH selling that to them

What is stopping the ILs from going out even if OP’s family prefers to go for a walk, do a puzzle and relax?

Nothing is stopping them, but it sounds like the thing that feels festive to these retirees in a rural area is getting out and about. And the thing that feels most festive to the busy family is staying in. But they all feel the holiday is more enjoyable as a family so we are advising OP on how to help meld those two ideas of what a holiday looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your case, I would clearly communicate (or have DH, depends on capacity and dynamics):

1) The thing we want most on vacation is to sleep in. We will all be sleeping in every day until 9or so. So instead of 3 full meals per day, can we just plan a nice Brunch around 10, some simple crudités as lunch, then dinner at 6? This will likely throw them off their axis in a good way—so many new menu ideas to research!

2) Yes, you need to sell them on puzzles and holiday movies as Official Plans, but you should also respect that for them, sitting around the house the entire day is clearly boring. So let them plan one thing per day, and suggest things you would all enjoy—taking a walk after dinner in a neighborhood with lots of lights (can they take note as they drive around town if they see a great place to do this)? Going for a walk or hike, other things that might actually be open, etc…

3) You may need to ritualize the loafing around the house in order for it to feel like Official Plans. So instead of “doing a puzzle or board game or something” have a Christmas Activity Countdown! With a Brand New Puzzle one day, a Family Game Night, the next day, Peppermint Poker another night (just use cheap bagged peppermints as chips), and special Christmas Movie viewings on other nights with special snacks needed (for example you have to have hot chocolate with all possible additives in order to watch Elf because Buddy the elf loves hot cocoa so much. If you are going for a stroll to check out Christmas lights, bring a container of candy or cookies and make it a Competition, where you all admire and vote on the best house in the neighborhood and then leave the prize candy on their porch with a little note. This stuff allows them to plan something specific such as food or card tables or what have you.


My guess is that a lot of the planning obsession is about them needing a checklist to feel like they made the “right” choices.

NP. I cannot imagine accommodating crazy people who can’t relax around their own family to this absurd degree. I totally agree with you that communication is key, but the rest of this is insane. DH communicates up front that you will all be sleeping in, and you will like to hang out at home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and he can suggest a few additional activities for the other days.

If they can’t stand to stay in the house, they can literally take a hike or do whatever they want. And if they can’t handle that, they shouldn’t be hosting.

How is it overly accommodating? I literally gave OP suggestions for how to help better get the concept of doing what OP and her family enjoys and then suggested that they could get out of the house once a day, since that is what the hosts enjoy. Do you not compromise at all with family?

I compromise and communicate without resorting to infantilized Krazy Kristmas Kountdown language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Stay home for Christmas.
2. Stay in a hotel near them but not with them.

Why should OP's kids miss out on this family time just because OP is made anxious by plans and getting out of bed early? This is their family. They have a right to be there. So does OP's DH. I think you'll live, OP.