Advice on relaxing in a high-strung household

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your case, I would clearly communicate (or have DH, depends on capacity and dynamics):

1) The thing we want most on vacation is to sleep in. We will all be sleeping in every day until 9or so. So instead of 3 full meals per day, can we just plan a nice Brunch around 10, some simple crudités as lunch, then dinner at 6? This will likely throw them off their axis in a good way—so many new menu ideas to research!

2) Yes, you need to sell them on puzzles and holiday movies as Official Plans, but you should also respect that for them, sitting around the house the entire day is clearly boring. So let them plan one thing per day, and suggest things you would all enjoy—taking a walk after dinner in a neighborhood with lots of lights (can they take note as they drive around town if they see a great place to do this)? Going for a walk or hike, other things that might actually be open, etc…

3) You may need to ritualize the loafing around the house in order for it to feel like Official Plans. So instead of “doing a puzzle or board game or something” have a Christmas Activity Countdown! With a Brand New Puzzle one day, a Family Game Night, the next day, Peppermint Poker another night (just use cheap bagged peppermints as chips), and special Christmas Movie viewings on other nights with special snacks needed (for example you have to have hot chocolate with all possible additives in order to watch Elf because Buddy the elf loves hot cocoa so much. If you are going for a stroll to check out Christmas lights, bring a container of candy or cookies and make it a Competition, where you all admire and vote on the best house in the neighborhood and then leave the prize candy on their porch with a little note. This stuff allows them to plan something specific such as food or card tables or what have you.


My guess is that a lot of the planning obsession is about them needing a checklist to feel like they made the “right” choices.

NP. I cannot imagine accommodating crazy people who can’t relax around their own family to this absurd degree. I totally agree with you that communication is key, but the rest of this is insane. DH communicates up front that you will all be sleeping in, and you will like to hang out at home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and he can suggest a few additional activities for the other days.

If they can’t stand to stay in the house, they can literally take a hike or do whatever they want. And if they can’t handle that, they shouldn’t be hosting.

How is it overly accommodating? I literally gave OP suggestions for how to help better get the concept of doing what OP and her family enjoys and then suggested that they could get out of the house once a day, since that is what the hosts enjoy. Do you not compromise at all with family?

I compromise and communicate without resorting to infantilized Krazy Kristmas Kountdown language.

Good for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In your case, I would clearly communicate (or have DH, depends on capacity and dynamics):

1) The thing we want most on vacation is to sleep in. We will all be sleeping in every day until 9or so. So instead of 3 full meals per day, can we just plan a nice Brunch around 10, some simple crudités as lunch, then dinner at 6? This will likely throw them off their axis in a good way—so many new menu ideas to research!

2) Yes, you need to sell them on puzzles and holiday movies as Official Plans, but you should also respect that for them, sitting around the house the entire day is clearly boring. So let them plan one thing per day, and suggest things you would all enjoy—taking a walk after dinner in a neighborhood with lots of lights (can they take note as they drive around town if they see a great place to do this)? Going for a walk or hike, other things that might actually be open, etc…

3) You may need to ritualize the loafing around the house in order for it to feel like Official Plans. So instead of “doing a puzzle or board game or something” have a Christmas Activity Countdown! With a Brand New Puzzle one day, a Family Game Night, the next day, Peppermint Poker another night (just use cheap bagged peppermints as chips), and special Christmas Movie viewings on other nights with special snacks needed (for example you have to have hot chocolate with all possible additives in order to watch Elf because Buddy the elf loves hot cocoa so much. If you are going for a stroll to check out Christmas lights, bring a container of candy or cookies and make it a Competition, where you all admire and vote on the best house in the neighborhood and then leave the prize candy on their porch with a little note. This stuff allows them to plan something specific such as food or card tables or what have you.


My guess is that a lot of the planning obsession is about them needing a checklist to feel like they made the “right” choices.

NP. I cannot imagine accommodating crazy people who can’t relax around their own family to this absurd degree. I totally agree with you that communication is key, but the rest of this is insane. DH communicates up front that you will all be sleeping in, and you will like to hang out at home on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, and he can suggest a few additional activities for the other days.

If they can’t stand to stay in the house, they can literally take a hike or do whatever they want. And if they can’t handle that, they shouldn’t be hosting.

How is it overly accommodating? I literally gave OP suggestions for how to help better get the concept of doing what OP and her family enjoys and then suggested that they could get out of the house once a day, since that is what the hosts enjoy. Do you not compromise at all with family?

I compromise and communicate without resorting to infantilized Krazy Kristmas Kountdown language.

Good for you?

So you are only willing to communicate in language that feels comfortable and natural to you, even if it would be helpful to others if you could express things in terms they can better understand. Oh and you think anyone who communicates differently than you do is a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bring a book or magazine so whenever I need to disengage from conversations, I start reading and let my husband finish up.

That would be considered incredibly rude in my family!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Stay home for Christmas.
2. Stay in a hotel near them but not with them.

Why should OP's kids miss out on this family time just because OP is made anxious by plans and getting out of bed early? This is their family. They have a right to be there. So does OP's DH. I think you'll live, OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few thoughts:

-Lay out your “Official” calmer plans and have your DH call his parents to sell them on them
-Consider staying in a hotel, at least for part of the time
-Make the trip shorter
-Accept that this is the way they are. PP is right in that they do need plan more if they live in a rural area. Just as you don’t want to be running around all day, they don’t want to be in the house all day. So, compromise, again with your DH selling that to them

What is stopping the ILs from going out even if OP’s family prefers to go for a walk, do a puzzle and relax?

Nothing is stopping them, but it sounds like the thing that feels festive to these retirees in a rural area is getting out and about. And the thing that feels most festive to the busy family is staying in. But they all feel the holiday is more enjoyable as a family so we are advising OP on how to help meld those two ideas of what a holiday looks like.

Good point. I wondered initially if the retirees are going nuts with boredom and are dying to get out. I also wonder if op and her family are rough on their house so they want to get out. I would not let the old folks interfere with anyone sleeping in though. That would make me never stay with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bring a book or magazine so whenever I need to disengage from conversations, I start reading and let my husband finish up.

That would be considered incredibly rude in my family!

Np here. So if I go spend 5 days with your family, I can never have a quiet moment reading in a comfortable chair? That's nuts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Stay home for Christmas.
2. Stay in a hotel near them but not with them.

Why should OP's kids miss out on this family time just because OP is made anxious by plans and getting out of bed early? This is their family. They have a right to be there. So does OP's DH. I think you'll live, OP.

+1

What a bizarre comment. Really weird. Kids have a "right" to be at their grandparents? Says who?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Stay home for Christmas.
2. Stay in a hotel near them but not with them.

Why should OP's kids miss out on this family time just because OP is made anxious by plans and getting out of bed early? This is their family. They have a right to be there. So does OP's DH. I think you'll live, OP.

Can you show me where OP herself said she was interested in staying elsewhere? She's not the anxious ones, her ILs are, and I'm sorry it bothers you to know that anxious hosts make for uncomfortable guests. OP is literally looking for solutions on how to make this work better for everyone. Hint: good hosts don't make a big fuss of kids sleeping in on Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bring a book or magazine so whenever I need to disengage from conversations, I start reading and let my husband finish up.

That would be considered incredibly rude in my family!

NP. Then you have a family that is horrible to be around. People need time and space to not be "On" all the time. Your family sounds absolutely exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bring a book or magazine so whenever I need to disengage from conversations, I start reading and let my husband finish up.

That would be considered incredibly rude in my family!

Np here. So if I go spend 5 days with your family, I can never have a quiet moment reading in a comfortable chair? That's nuts!

In my family of origin, relaxing and time to yourself only occurs very early (6-7am) or very late (after 10 pm). If people are awake and you are doing something for yourself or that keeps you separate from everyone else, my mother considers it to be selfish and rude. And not just for guests- when I was a kid my door was expected to be at least half open during waking hours and if I was sitting down to read or listen to music, I “had time on my hands” and would be assigned a chore. Some people are like this.

But enough about my crazy mom and back to OP’s ILs. I’m guessing that they are stir-crazy, their house feels too full (to them) with guests, and/or like another PP suggested, you guys each too much or make too much of a mess/wear and tear on their house (again, to them, not objectively).

My nephews are really hard on my house- wiping hands on furniture, scraping walls with toys, banging chair legs into stuff- and eat anything that isn’t frozen solid. I learned this the hard way when I had to re-buy an entire holiday grocery list. When they visit now, we are out from morning to dinner for my own sanity and because I hate that their mom lets them leave half-eaten, expensive food and dishes everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bring a book or magazine so whenever I need to disengage from conversations, I start reading and let my husband finish up.

That would be considered incredibly rude in my family!

Np here. So if I go spend 5 days with your family, I can never have a quiet moment reading in a comfortable chair? That's nuts!

In my family of origin, relaxing and time to yourself only occurs very early (6-7am) or very late (after 10 pm). If people are awake and you are doing something for yourself or that keeps you separate from everyone else, my mother considers it to be selfish and rude. And not just for guests- when I was a kid my door was expected to be at least half open during waking hours and if I was sitting down to read or listen to music, I “had time on my hands” and would be assigned a chore. Some people are like this.

But enough about my crazy mom and back to OP’s ILs. I’m guessing that they are stir-crazy, their house feels too full (to them) with guests, and/or like another PP suggested, you guys each too much or make too much of a mess/wear and tear on their house (again, to them, not objectively).

My nephews are really hard on my house- wiping hands on furniture, scraping walls with toys, banging chair legs into stuff- and eat anything that isn’t frozen solid. I learned this the hard way when I had to re-buy an entire holiday grocery list. When they visit now, we are out from morning to dinner for my own sanity and because I hate that their mom lets them leave half-eaten, expensive food and dishes everywhere.

What about their dad? Does he have any duty to watch his children and coach them into proper behavior, or is that only a mom’s work?

[Anonymous]

Op, I would not succumb to the rhythm of their house, not to this extreme. As as long as you are not extreme either, I would not feel any obligation to always be "on". Absolutely not. When you/your family are in the bedroom you owe no one an explanation as to what exactly you are doing. If they presume you're always sleeping - too bad. That's a poor reflection on them, that's all. Other ideas, go for a walk. Other times when you don't want to be available, wear earplugs. Say you're listening to a podcast, whether you are or not.

Consider that you're teaching your kids something. Generally whenever a situation is uncomfortable and you hold boundaries -- you are teaching your kids something very important. You need to.

[Anonymous]

^ I am pp. I am 60 btw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may be feeling a lot of pressure to make sure you all have fun. What if your DH said, “Mom, you do such a nice job thinking about our visit. How about you make plans for Tuesday? We are up for the farm visit you were talking about for sure. On Wednesday, we will need some downtime. We will stay home and do puzzles, play games and make cookies. No need to worry about us that day - you can stay home with us or go out exploring if you prefer. Also to take some of the planning pressure off you, we will also take care of food/menu planning for Weds. We will keep it simple and make a lasagna and salad - no need for you to do anything. And we will bring ham, sweet potatoes and a pie for Christmas dinner.”

This sounds perfect. I kind of married into a family like your ILs. There's no guarantee they will listen, but this is a well-reasoned way to make your wishes known.

[Anonymous]

My husband's family is like this too and it is stressful. A lot of it is talk, a need to always be in motion, appearing busy and on top of things, and to comment when other people miss the mark. I handle this by doing the proverbial "gray rocking" and "dropping the rope" and also have a lot of pretend work emergencies. We spend so much time with my ILs that I feel a little robbed of my own family's go-with-the-flow way of living, and it makes me sad that my kids don't have that experience. But OP you are asking about a specific trip, and I wonder if it would work to maybe engage in planning on their time frame, but include in the plan some specific blocked-out down days where the pretend formal plan is to let the kids sleep in, then bake cookies at home and watch X movie (you can always opt out or change the exact activities day-of).