If family didn’t make much effort for you or your family, would you prioritize them less?
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Anonymous
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Over the years I feel really burnt out as a mom. We have 3 different sets of “parents” between my husband and I and no one makes much of an effort to do anything for us or be supportive of us. No one is emotionally supportive and asks how we are doing or serves as a mentor with advice for life or raising kids in any way. No one travels to us. It’s been 4 years since anyone flew to us (no health issues or financial issues), it’s always about them and I often just feel overwhelmed with the one sidedness of the relationship. They don’t ask about us or our small children. They just talk about themselves and expect us to go there. I’ve been married to my husband for ten years and if I ever make conversation about myself or job or my kids or what’s going on they cut me off to talk about their random friends. What would you do in this situation?
We have dutifully visited a few times a year for the last decade. When we see them things are fine but again it’s exhausted because every conversation is just focused on them. |
Anonymous
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A mentor? No, they aren't going to be that.
Don't travel to them anymore. You do what's best for your family, and if anyone has a problem with that, too bad. But you also need to lower your expectations. |
Anonymous
Is that crazy? I feel like that’s a parents job- to help be there and offer support or emotionally be available for their children. Hey even have kids then? |
Anonymous
| No, I expect my parents to do their best in raising me, but I don’t need them to help me raise my kids. I think they should have the opportunity to relax and enjoy themselves without a lot of responsibility. |
Anonymous
| Have they turned down requests for support? Some people let the fear of being unwelcome get in their way. |
Anonymous
| My in laws were like this. Some people get self absorbed with age. It was disheartening but I came to expect it. |
Anonymous
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It’s hard to tell who’s more self absorbed than whom here.
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Anonymous
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3 of those 4 years are Covid. 2 of those 4 no vaccines.
Get over yourself. |
Anonymous
| What are their ages? |
Anonymous
This. Stop expecting elderly people to fly during a pandemic. |
Anonymous
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Sorry OP. They should care
More and be available as a mentor and provide support when they can. They sound self-absorbed. You sound nice. |
Anonymous
| You are right OP. My sister is just like this and I do make less effort now. She hasn’t seemed to even notice, so that tells you something. |
Anonymous
NP. You can WANT that, and I agree that that is a common role for a parent to play in an adult son or daughter’s life. But yes it is crazy to keep expecting it when clearly none of them are like that for you. It’s as crazy as going to a dried-up well every single day expecting water. Stop visiting them. If they ask, say, “You know, traveling is a big hassle with the kids and we’ve done a lot of it over the years. It’s your turn to travel to us if you want to see us. I can make the effort again after you visit us for once in 10 years.” If the conversation never turns to you, make the phone call short. If they ask why calls are so short lately, say, “I realized that you never ask about me or the kids, and to be honest that’s hurtful and draining.” |
Anonymous
| Op I’d cut them off. Stop driving to them. And yes I do think parents should be like mentors. |
Anonymous
Np do you specifically ask for help? Some people on here criticize their parents for offering advice and they are told not to cross their boundaries. Were your parents good while you growing up? Young adult? At some point when do parents get a chance not to parent you as heavily as when you were young? |