If family didn’t make much effort for you or your family, would you prioritize them less?

[Anonymous]

My parents sound like OPs (maybe even worse). I would absolutely love it if my mother was emotionally supportive, as in when talking to her, she actually listened when I asked for advice, if she ever told me it would be ok or that I was doing a good job, or that she loved me. Instead, she just says salty things like "karma's a b!+h" or "paybacks are h#!l, you get what you deserve". I am not even talking about logistical support. I just want my mother to actually care about me, her kid. I cannot imagine when my children are grown I would stop viewing them as my children.

[Anonymous]

I feel you OP. My parents have pretty much zero interest in me, DH and DD. And then act offended when they don't know what's going on. They'll say "but you don't tell me" ... but they don't ASK. Every interaction with them is all about them. For someone that wanted grandkids so badly, they sure don't see to care much.

My in laws are amazing. They think every little think DD does is interesting, ask us a lot about our jobs. We still talk about them too of course, but it's a much more well rounded/back and forth relationship. They will offer to have DD over at any time, we never have to ask.

The contrast between my parents and my in laws has really shown me how little effort my parents put in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents sound like OPs (maybe even worse). I would absolutely love it if my mother was emotionally supportive, as in when talking to her, she actually listened when I asked for advice, if she ever told me it would be ok or that I was doing a good job, or that she loved me. Instead, she just says salty things like "karma's a b!+h" or "paybacks are h#!l, you get what you deserve". I am not even talking about logistical support. I just want my mother to actually care about me, her kid. I cannot imagine when my children are grown I would stop viewing them as my children.

Did she have a difficult time raising children?

[Anonymous]

NP here to commiserate... I'd love if my husband's family cared even a bit about my kids, I feel so sad they're missing out on a grandparent love and relationship. I'm mostly an orphan so they're all my kids get.

[Anonymous]

Where did you get the mentor mindset? Were your grandparents mentors to your parents? Just curious

I see separate issues here. I wouldn't let it bother me that the grandparents are not the supportive mentors you want. I don't think you can expect that out of everyone. Personally, I wouldn't want my parents or inlaws trying to "mentor" us.

Support: my parents and inlaws are here for us in emergency situations and hospitalizations. Are yours? I would be hurt if they weren't supportive in that way. What type of support are you looking for?

And as for general conversation, they sound really annoying, I'm with you on that.

[Anonymous]

My MIL told me she would come help for a week after DH went back to work after I had twins (my mom ended up having emergency surgery so couldn't help). MIL then made fun plans with a friend the week she was supposed to come help and cancelled on us because she didn't want to hurt her friends feelings. DH and I were pretty upset at the time and it definitely took a couple years before we inconvenienced ourselves for her.

[Anonymous]

I relate OP. I accepted that they were limited and I was not going to really get emotional support and me and my family were not a priority. For me the adjustment has been as they aged, they felt so entitled to our time and they expected to be the number 1 priority. The rage and entitlement I experienced was really disturbing since we were pretty much on our own with emergencies and just about anything. They could have cared less about us and now that their fancy friends have faded off we are supposed to be their life.

[Anonymous]

I can relate too, OP. I realized during the pandemic that we need to only agree to visits when we were up for it instead of being motivated solely out of duty or obligation. This kind of boundary setting has eased my stress immensely. I wish our parents were more interested in our kids, for sure, but we can't control that. Sorry, it is disappointing to have disengaged parents, but once you stop putting pressure on yourself or allowing them to guilt trip you there isn't that dread every holiday or get together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Over the years I feel really burnt out as a mom. We have 3 different sets of “parents” between my husband and I and no one makes much of an effort to do anything for us or be supportive of us. No one is emotionally supportive and asks how we are doing or serves as a mentor with advice for life or raising kids in any way. No one travels to us. It’s been 4 years since anyone flew to us (no health issues or financial issues), it’s always about them and I often just feel overwhelmed with the one sidedness of the relationship. They don’t ask about us or our small children. They just talk about themselves and expect us to go there. I’ve been married to my husband for ten years and if I ever make conversation about myself or job or my kids or what’s going on they cut me off to talk about their random friends. What would you do in this situation?
We have dutifully visited a few times a year for the last decade. When we see them things are fine but again it’s exhausted because every conversation is just focused on them.

Why can't you take care of your own kids? Your family owes you no free childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are right OP. My sister is just like this and I do make less effort now. She hasn’t seemed to even notice, so that tells you something.

You might want to ask her why, as a sister who "is just like this." In my case there are reasons and therapist recommendations.

To OP, they are probably not going to be involved grandparents and that's ok.

[Anonymous]

It's fine to cut back on the visits and calls and whatever else you're doing. Visited four times a year in the past? Make it two or three over the next year. Tired of holiday traffic? Plan a pre-holiday or post-holiday get-together.

[Anonymous]

From the perspective of a grandparent, It doesn’t take much to reach out and care. Some observations that I have are generational differences. Grandparents do not feel comfortable picking up the phone and calling their adult children. It seems like the new norm is to text them and see if they are available. Please keep in mind that grandparents also have a life. We make ourselves available whenever our kids can talk or we can FaceTime with the grandkids. We always work around their schedule.
I recently visited one of my kids who has a new baby. I was told that I did not understand how difficult it was to have so many things cluttering up the house and how difficult it was to not get a good nights sleep. Do you understand the irony in this?
I visit my grandchildren and absolutely adore them. I absolutely adore seeing my children become parents. I am so proud of all of them. But it is not my role to take care of my grand children’s day-to-day needs. If asked, I would absolutely step in and help out in anyway I can but I will not interject myself into their routines unless asked. On my last visit one of my kids asked me how many diapers I had changed in the course of the weekend. They asked how many bottles I had rinsed and how many times I cleaned the dishes out of the sink. They asked me how many loads of laundry I folded. They have a very controlled routine because that is what works for them. I would never touch anyone else’s laundry and fold it. I do not know the process of bottle sterilization and how to wash the parts of the breast pump. I would absolutely change diapers but I never saw an opportunity to do that. To me these comments were very revealing as to where they were coming from and it was shocking.
Another observation as a grandparent is that everything is measured and controlled. The nanny and the parents share an app and everything is recorded on that app.
I know that some grandparents are very critical of their grandchildren’s parents but I would not be one of them. They live in an entirely different world and I find it fascinating.
I think the takeaway should be that if you want something ask for it. If my children asked me to watch the kids so they could do something I would absolutely do it. But I would never wanted to be counted on for child care.
You might want to look at the way you communicate with your parents if you’re having a problem. I never knew my adult children had an expectation of me doing house work in their home. I see myself as a loving caring grandmother who wants to soak up every minute I can with my grandchildren.
Keep in mind something. You have a lot of life in front of you and your parents have most of their lives behind them. When you reach that point in life you think differently.

[Anonymous]

H's parents live a couple hours away and they have seen our 1 year old for a grand total of 30 minutes.

Yep. They come visit our city every couple months, and if we're lucky, they stop by the house for 10 minutes. Say hi, get a picture with the baby to show friends, then they leave.

I decided to have zero relationship with them. I don't go visit them, if H wants to go, he has to go solo. Not worth my time.

[Anonymous]

I am closing in on 50 and decided to reciprocate the way people treat me. If you aren't calling me or making any effort to see me, then I am reciprocating that behavior. My extended family gets away with such bad behavior and I have just hit my threshold for BS and can't keep up the facade anymore.

[Anonymous]

You just have to accept them for who they are OP and drop your expectations of who they should be. It’s sad, I get it. My family is like this. But again, you will get nothing good from comparing them to an idealized version of a parent/grandparent in your mind. Let it go. Run a little excitement and stop calling and visiting and see how long it takes them to proactively reach out or ask you about it. You’ll know then whether they appreciate or care about your efforts to maintain a connection and can calibrate your level of effort accordingly. There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing building a friend network to replace family, and dialing back your family visits to every other year. Just don’t make it a big thing or get on a soapbox about it— they’ll do them and you do you.