If family didn’t make much effort for you or your family, would you prioritize them less?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You just have to accept them for who they are OP and drop your expectations of who they should be. It’s sad, I get it. My family is like this. But again, you will get nothing good from comparing them to an idealized version of a parent/grandparent in your mind. Let it go. Run a little excitement and stop calling and visiting and see how long it takes them to proactively reach out or ask you about it. You’ll know then whether they appreciate or care about your efforts to maintain a connection and can calibrate your level of effort accordingly. There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing building a friend network to replace family, and dialing back your family visits to every other year. Just don’t make it a big thing or get on a soapbox about it— they’ll do them and you do you.

Run a little experiment*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise your own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

+2. All of this.

It's particularly hard to swallow in our case as our parents had SIGNIFICANT help in raising us: pick ups, babysitting, taking us for weeks at a time and for vacations etc.

I had a mastectomy a couple of years back and not one of them came to visit or help. Not even my own mother, who is a retired nurse.
Eff them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise your own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

+2. All of this.

It's particularly hard to swallow in our case as our parents had SIGNIFICANT help in raising us: pick ups, babysitting, taking us for weeks at a time and for vacations etc.

I had a mastectomy a couple of years back and not one of them came to visit or help. Not even my own mother, who is a retired nurse.
Eff them.

+3. Same (but other surgery, not mastectomy). I hope you're well, PP. It really hurts that my parents take so little interest in our lives and my kids' lives, but that's the way it is. No in-laws to pick up their slack either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise your own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

+2. All of this.

It's particularly hard to swallow in our case as our parents had SIGNIFICANT help in raising us: pick ups, babysitting, taking us for weeks at a time and for vacations etc.

I had a mastectomy a couple of years back and not one of them came to visit or help. Not even my own mother, who is a retired nurse.
Eff them.

+3. Same (but other surgery, not mastectomy). I hope you're well, PP. It really hurts that my parents take so little interest in our lives and my kids' lives, but that's the way it is. No in-laws to pick up their slack either.

+4 I had a miscarriage, but didn't want to tell a lot of people (including my mom) and she wouldn't shut up about wanting grandkids, so I finally told her I had a miscarriage and was struggling to get pregnant and she made it all about her and kept going on about how sad she was because she wanted grandkids so bad. Flash forward a decade or so and she take almost zero interest in my DC. I just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise your own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

+2. All of this.

It's particularly hard to swallow in our case as our parents had SIGNIFICANT help in raising us: pick ups, babysitting, taking us for weeks at a time and for vacations etc.

I had a mastectomy a couple of years back and not one of them came to visit or help. Not even my own mother, who is a retired nurse.
Eff them.

A PP here who has very uninterested parents as well. I am sorry. I see you. If I knew you I would have helped you for your recovery. I hope you are well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the perspective of a grandparent, .... I never knew my adult children had an expectation of me doing house work in their home. I see myself as a loving caring grandmother who wants to soak up every minute I can with my grandchildren.
Keep in mind something. You have a lot of life in front of you and your parents have most of their lives behind them. When you reach that point in life you think differently.

Utter entitlement!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A mentor? No, they aren't going to be that.

Don't travel to them anymore. You do what's best for your family, and if anyone has a problem with that, too bad. But you also need to lower your expectations.

Is that crazy? I feel like that’s a parents job- to help be there and offer support or emotionally be available for their children. Hey even have kids then?

It's your parents responsibility to bring you up to be independent and not to be dependent on them when you are grown. I will help out but free full time child care, no way. Your children are your responsibility not the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

I have parents who are like this. We see them once a year. I also stopped bringing my kids at a certain point. A sibling and I go together one time a year. True to form, they didn't seem to care I stopped bothering to bring my kids. They haven't seen my spouse in a while.

It is what it is. I think normal to grieve you don't have something different. But then you move on.

[Anonymous]

There are some people who were raised to abandon children once they turn 18.

I've found this with my in laws of a lower socio-economic class (even if they now have money). Ironically they got a lot of help from their parents but care more about their dogs than grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise you inr own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

+2. All of this.

It's particularly hard to swallow in our case as our parents had SIGNIFICANT help in raising us: pick ups, babysitting, taking us for weeks at a time and for vacations etc.

I had a mastectomy a couple of years back and not one of them came to visit or help. Not even my own mother, who is a retired nurse.
Eff them.

Bull. Extended family help ended in the 1950's. Women are their own worst enemy. Your children are your responsibility and no one else's. Grandparents owe you absolutely nothing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A mentor? No, they aren't going to be that.

Don't travel to them anymore. You do what's best for your family, and if anyone has a problem with that, too bad. But you also need to lower your expectations.

Is that crazy? I feel like that’s a parents job- to help be there and offer support or emotionally be available for their children. Hey even have kids then?

It's your parents responsibility to bring you up to be independent and not to be dependent on them when you are grown. I will help out but free full time child care, no way. Your children are your responsibility not the grandparents.

Of course. But my own parents have spent one on one time with their grandchild less than 10x (might even be less than 5x) in almost 8 years. I don't rely on them for help whatsoever. It's not worth the guilt trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the perspective of a grandparent, It doesn’t take much to reach out and care. Some observations that I have are generational differences. Grandparents do not feel comfortable picking up the phone and calling their adult children. It seems like the new norm is to text them and see if they are available. Please keep in mind that grandparents also have a life. We make ourselves available whenever our kids can talk or we can FaceTime with the grandkids. We always work around their schedule.
I recently visited one of my kids who has a new baby. I was told that I did not understand how difficult it was to have so many things cluttering up the house and how difficult it was to not get a good nights sleep. Do you understand the irony in this?
I visit my grandchildren and absolutely adore them. I absolutely adore seeing my children become parents. I am so proud of all of them. But it is not my role to take care of my grand children’s day-to-day needs. If asked, I would absolutely step in and help out in anyway I can but I will not interject myself into their routines unless asked. On my last visit one of my kids asked me how many diapers I had changed in the course of the weekend. They asked how many bottles I had rinsed and how many times I cleaned the dishes out of the sink. They asked me how many loads of laundry I folded. They have a very controlled routine because that is what works for them. I would never touch anyone else’s laundry and fold it. I do not know the process of bottle sterilization and how to wash the parts of the breast pump. I would absolutely change diapers but I never saw an opportunity to do that. To me these comments were very revealing as to where they were coming from and it was shocking.
Another observation as a grandparent is that everything is measured and controlled. The nanny and the parents share an app and everything is recorded on that app.
I know that some grandparents are very critical of their grandchildren’s parents but I would not be one of them. They live in an entirely different world and I find it fascinating.
I think the takeaway should be that if you want something ask for it. If my children asked me to watch the kids so they could do something I would absolutely do it. But I would never wanted to be counted on for child care.
You might want to look at the way you communicate with your parents if you’re having a problem. I never knew my adult children had an expectation of me doing house work in their home. I see myself as a loving caring grandmother who wants to soak up every minute I can with my grandchildren.
Keep in mind something. You have a lot of life in front of you and your parents have most of their lives behind them. When you reach that point in life you think differently.

This poster feels entitled to "have a life" which includes being fawned over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise you inr own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

+2. All of this.

It's particularly hard to swallow in our case as our parents had SIGNIFICANT help in raising us: pick ups, babysitting, taking us for weeks at a time and for vacations etc.

I had a mastectomy a couple of years back and not one of them came to visit or help. Not even my own mother, who is a retired nurse.
Eff them.

Bull. Extended family help ended in the 1950's. Women are their own worst enemy. Your children are your responsibility and no one else's. Grandparents owe you absolutely nothing

You do not get to tell me what my experiences were. I know them. You do not. So piss off.

[Anonymous]

I don't make much effort with my parents because of the low empathy/low involvement self-absorbed old rich people life they lead. I call and stuff, but don't feel too obligated to visit much...

[Anonymous]

Most humans are not going to raise their hand to help their aging or dying parents if those parents have been MIA most of their adult life and weren't there for them when they had a mastectomy like the PP, or in my case my parents offered me no help at the birth of either of my kids. I think in that case, the relationship is mostly dead and any expectations of an attentive adult child are foolish. Relationships take work. You reap what you sow.