If family didn’t make much effort for you or your family, would you prioritize them less?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most humans are not going to raise their hand to help their aging or dying parents if those parents have been MIA most of their adult life and weren't there for them when they had a mastectomy like the PP, or in my case my parents offered me no help at the birth of either of my kids. I think in that case, the relationship is mostly dead and any expectations of an attentive adult child are foolish. Relationships take work. You reap what you sow.

THIS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From the perspective of a grandparent, It doesn’t take much to reach out and care. Some observations that I have are generational differences. Grandparents do not feel comfortable picking up the phone and calling their adult children. It seems like the new norm is to text them and see if they are available. Please keep in mind that grandparents also have a life. We make ourselves available whenever our kids can talk or we can FaceTime with the grandkids. We always work around their schedule.
I recently visited one of my kids who has a new baby. I was told that I did not understand how difficult it was to have so many things cluttering up the house and how difficult it was to not get a good nights sleep. Do you understand the irony in this?
I visit my grandchildren and absolutely adore them. I absolutely adore seeing my children become parents. I am so proud of all of them. But it is not my role to take care of my grand children’s day-to-day needs. If asked, I would absolutely step in and help out in anyway I can but I will not interject myself into their routines unless asked. On my last visit one of my kids asked me how many diapers I had changed in the course of the weekend. They asked how many bottles I had rinsed and how many times I cleaned the dishes out of the sink. They asked me how many loads of laundry I folded. They have a very controlled routine because that is what works for them. I would never touch anyone else’s laundry and fold it. I do not know the process of bottle sterilization and how to wash the parts of the breast pump. I would absolutely change diapers but I never saw an opportunity to do that. To me these comments were very revealing as to where they were coming from and it was shocking.
Another observation as a grandparent is that everything is measured and controlled. The nanny and the parents share an app and everything is recorded on that app.
I know that some grandparents are very critical of their grandchildren’s parents but I would not be one of them. They live in an entirely different world and I find it fascinating.
I think the takeaway should be that if you want something ask for it. If my children asked me to watch the kids so they could do something I would absolutely do it. But I would never wanted to be counted on for child care.
You might want to look at the way you communicate with your parents if you’re having a problem. I never knew my adult children had an expectation of me doing house work in their home. I see myself as a loving caring grandmother who wants to soak up every minute I can with my grandchildren.
Keep in mind something. You have a lot of life in front of you and your parents have most of their lives behind them. When you reach that point in life you think differently.

You say you are not critical, but yet you wrote a long paragraph criticizing their parenting and how they live their lives.

[Anonymous]

What it comes down to is that every choice with family has it’s pros and cons and your family members are not obligated to protect you from the natural results of your choices. I spend my time, energy and money on the extended family members who love me and are there for me emotionally, logistically and physically (when possible). And I return the favor. But I am not going to keep watering a dead plant.

[Anonymous]

I have a very similar situation with my parents. At some point i lost interest in talking to them. If they don’t care about what’s important to me, why should I care about their friends, gossip and drama? I try to shorten our conversations to a polite minimum, and focus on my kids and husband. It’s sad but such as life. Try to focus on things you are grateful for.