If family didn’t make much effort for you or your family, would you prioritize them less?

[Anonymous]

One set of grandparents is super helpful and prioritizes spending time with us. Other set won’t drive 30 minutes to see us or do anything remotely helpful. Guess which set gets our help with things and first dibs on holidays?

[Anonymous]

Neither set of grandparents is helpful to us. My dad and his wife barely see us and we barely see them. My in-laws try to see us once or twice a month. They love our kids, but they are not helpful and they certainly are not mentoring us in our role as parents. But my I laws are lovely, tell me they love me and tell me I’m a good mom — that is certainly enough for us to have a good relationship.

My aunt and uncle are SUPER helpful. They stay with our kids so we can go on vacation, have their house set up to accommodate our kid with profound special needs, know everything about our lives and check in on us for big events, etc. They travel with us on vacation and are basically bonus grandparents. We are enormously grateful to them. With our special needs kid, we would likely never be able to go on adult only vacation without them. We are actually on a family vacation with them right now!!

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise your own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of people think everyone else has a lot of family support. Most do not. It is natural as people get older that they become more selfish. It is often harder for older people to travel. They might seem healthy to you, but you may not know about some of thier issues.

It sounds like you are making an extra effort and want permission to stop doing that. It is ok. You can give as little or as much as you want. Unfortunately you cannot change others. So you just need to accept the grandparents are not going to be supportive grandparents you wish for.

[Anonymous]

Actually, the often very rude advice to let it go and do your own thing has been very useful to me. When my SIL’s kids moved to our area for jobs, I thought it would be a great opportunity for them and my kids -first cousins- to get to know each other, even though I know they are young adults with busy lives. We have invited them over many times and included them in weekend trips and holidays. While they go to visit their other cousins out of state a few times a year, they never initiate anything with us or my kids. So I have stopped expecting them to behave differently and have stopped inviting them. It would have been nice for my kids to have a closer relationship with them but they don’t seem to want that. Oh well.

[Anonymous]

I do think people get more self-centered as they age, because it is often posted about here and discussed among my friends as they share what their elderly parents are like.

What it comes down to is unfortunately we can’t always get the family relationships we want. We can’t make people give more than they choose to. All you can do is make opportunities for more reciprocal relationships and decide whether the effort is worth it.

I found that i feel best when I fulfill what feels like dutiful obligations (regular brief visits and me helping with practical things my parents can’t do on their own like technology). We do vacations and more reciprocal things with my best friend’s family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A mentor? No, they aren't going to be that.

Don't travel to them anymore. You do what's best for your family, and if anyone has a problem with that, too bad. But you also need to lower your expectations.

Is that crazy? I feel like that’s a parents job- to help be there and offer support or emotionally be available for their children. Hey even have kids then?

NP. You can WANT that, and I agree that that is a common role for a parent to play in an adult son or daughter’s life. But yes it is crazy to keep expecting it when clearly none of them are like that for you. It’s as crazy as going to a dried-up well every single day expecting water.

Stop visiting them. If they ask, say, “You know, traveling is a big hassle with the kids and we’ve done a lot of it over the years. It’s your turn to travel to us if you want to see us. I can make the effort again after you visit us for once in 10 years.”

If the conversation never turns to you, make the phone call short. If they ask why calls are so short lately, say, “I realized that you never ask about me or the kids, and to be honest that’s hurtful and draining.”

Don’t do what is suggested here. This is passive aggressive and just rude. I have a relative who does stuff like this to other relatives and friends. She thinks she is very clever and that she is “teaching” other people how they should behave toward her. She says that her therapist told her to do this.

What she doesn’t realize is that people figure out what she’s doing and end up thinking of her as a jerk. She can’t keep relationships because she doesn’t like it when she can’t control them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:3 of those 4 years are Covid. 2 of those 4 no vaccines.

Get over yourself.

This. Stop expecting elderly people to fly during a pandemic.

They traveled on at least 20 trips during that time including two international. So that’s not a concern for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A mentor? No, they aren't going to be that.

Don't travel to them anymore. You do what's best for your family, and if anyone has a problem with that, too bad. But you also need to lower your expectations.

Is that crazy? I feel like that’s a parents job- to help be there and offer support or emotionally be available for their children. Hey even have kids then?

NP. You can WANT that, and I agree that that is a common role for a parent to play in an adult son or daughter’s life. But yes it is crazy to keep expecting it when clearly none of them are like that for you. It’s as crazy as going to a dried-up well every single day expecting water.

Stop visiting them. If they ask, say, “You know, traveling is a big hassle with the kids and we’ve done a lot of it over the years. It’s your turn to travel to us if you want to see us. I can make the effort again after you visit us for once in 10 years.”

If the conversation never turns to you, make the phone call short. If they ask why calls are so short lately, say, “I realized that you never ask about me or the kids, and to be honest that’s hurtful and draining.”

Don’t do what is suggested here. This is passive aggressive and just rude. I have a relative who does stuff like this to other relatives and friends. She thinks she is very clever and that she is “teaching” other people how they should behave toward her. She says that her therapist told her to do this.

What she doesn’t realize is that people figure out what she’s doing and end up thinking of her as a jerk. She can’t keep relationships because she doesn’t like it when she can’t control them.

If someone travels to you about 20-40 times over the course of 10 years, with no reciprocation, and you think THEY are the jerk, you are a problem. People like you don’t deserve to have relationships. We’re not doormats, sorry.

[Anonymous]

Adults should be peers, with relatively even give-and-take. Op, decide on a yearly visit schedule and try to make a lot of the trip about other fun things to do, so you aren't resentful. Stay in a hotel. Create your own mini vacation out of the visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are not going to get any compassion or support for this issue on this board. I have tried. You are going to get a bunch of people telling you--sometimes in very nasty terms--that you should raise your own kids and are a terrible person if you think that grandparents should, you know, take any sort of interest in your kids rather than talking incessantly about their social activities and pickleball games.

I have no advice. We have distanced ourselves from our families because they just do not care about us or our kids.

+1

Our situation isn’t quite as awful - my parents do their best, albeit with significant limitations - but my ILs show so little interest in our kids. We have literally flown them out to visit, at their request, and they spend much of the time ignoring the kids to surf the web and tell us about their hobbies. No more.

[Anonymous]

The biggest thing that stands out to me is the lack of interest. My kids have 4 sets of grands. My brother’s have 2 on his wife’s side as well. Of the 6, only my dad is disinterested. The rest are like groupies. My SIL’s family overseas FT with their son constantly and when he comes to visit they parade him around and feed him and massage him and generally treat him like a king. My inlaws and my mom/stepdad are all obsessed with their grandkids and will read books for hours or whip up any meal they request or listen to endless blathering about Pokémon or whatever else the kids care about at the moment and hang on every word. Their capacity to be helpful varies according to personality and physical and mental capacity ad they age, but they are all interested and invested in the kids and in us. They want to hear about our lives and work too and get excited about a new car or annoyed about a coworker who drives us crazy.

If they didn’t seem to care about us as individuals, no. I would not be pushing to make sure we visited regularly and bending over backwards to maintain a connection. My dad, as I said, is just not interested so I send him a birthday/Father’s day gift every June and a Christmas gift in December and that’s about it. 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A mentor? No, they aren't going to be that.

Don't travel to them anymore. You do what's best for your family, and if anyone has a problem with that, too bad. But you also need to lower your expectations.

Is that crazy? I feel like that’s a parents job- to help be there and offer support or emotionally be available for their children. Hey even have kids then?

NP. You can WANT that, and I agree that that is a common role for a parent to play in an adult son or daughter’s life. But yes it is crazy to keep expecting it when clearly none of them are like that for you. It’s as crazy as going to a dried-up well every single day expecting water.

Stop visiting them. If they ask, say, “You know, traveling is a big hassle with the kids and we’ve done a lot of it over the years. It’s your turn to travel to us if you want to see us. I can make the effort again after you visit us for once in 10 years.”

If the conversation never turns to you, make the phone call short. If they ask why calls are so short lately, say, “I realized that you never ask about me or the kids, and to be honest that’s hurtful and draining.”

Don’t do what is suggested here. This is passive aggressive and just rude. I have a relative who does stuff like this to other relatives and friends. She thinks she is very clever and that she is “teaching” other people how they should behave toward her. She says that her therapist told her to do this.

What she doesn’t realize is that people figure out what she’s doing and end up thinking of her as a jerk. She can’t keep relationships because she doesn’t like it when she can’t control them.

I wouldn’t even call that passive-aggressive, it’s outright aggression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The biggest thing that stands out to me is the lack of interest. My kids have 4 sets of grands. My brother’s have 2 on his wife’s side as well. Of the 6, only my dad is disinterested. The rest are like groupies. My SIL’s family overseas FT with their son constantly and when he comes to visit they parade him around and feed him and massage him and generally treat him like a king. My inlaws and my mom/stepdad are all obsessed with their grandkids and will read books for hours or whip up any meal they request or listen to endless blathering about Pokémon or whatever else the kids care about at the moment and hang on every word. Their capacity to be helpful varies according to personality and physical and mental capacity ad they age, but they are all interested and invested in the kids and in us. They want to hear about our lives and work too and get excited about a new car or annoyed about a coworker who drives us crazy.

If they didn’t seem to care about us as individuals, no. I would not be pushing to make sure we visited regularly and bending over backwards to maintain a connection. My dad, as I said, is just not interested so I send him a birthday/Father’s day gift every June and a Christmas gift in December and that’s about it. 🤷‍♀️

GRANNNNNNDSSSSS

Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A mentor? No, they aren't going to be that.

Don't travel to them anymore. You do what's best for your family, and if anyone has a problem with that, too bad. But you also need to lower your expectations.

Is that crazy? I feel like that’s a parents job- to help be there and offer support or emotionally be available for their children. Hey even have kids then?

NP. You can WANT that, and I agree that that is a common role for a parent to play in an adult son or daughter’s life. But yes it is crazy to keep expecting it when clearly none of them are like that for you. It’s as crazy as going to a dried-up well every single day expecting water.

Stop visiting them. If they ask, say, “You know, traveling is a big hassle with the kids and we’ve done a lot of it over the years. It’s your turn to travel to us if you want to see us. I can make the effort again after you visit us for once in 10 years.”

If the conversation never turns to you, make the phone call short. If they ask why calls are so short lately, say, “I realized that you never ask about me or the kids, and to be honest that’s hurtful and draining.”

Don’t do what is suggested here. This is passive aggressive and just rude. I have a relative who does stuff like this to other relatives and friends. She thinks she is very clever and that she is “teaching” other people how they should behave toward her. She says that her therapist told her to do this.

What she doesn’t realize is that people figure out what she’s doing and end up thinking of her as a jerk. She can’t keep relationships because she doesn’t like it when she can’t control them.

I wouldn’t even call that passive-aggressive, it’s outright aggression.

Agree, it isn’t passive aggressive. I wouldn’t threaten or bargain “we will visit you when you visit us”.
Decide what you’re willing to do based on the history. That could mean fewer visits, no visits or status quo. If you don’t want to visit, just say you’re unable to. If you want to cut the phone call short, just say you gotta go.

Be direct without being aggressive.