when your child likes a college that you don’t think much of

[Anonymous]

DC (my oldest) has reached a point of having a pretty clear first choice and they want to apply there ED. Of the 10 or so colleges on DC’s list, I’d put it near the bottom if I were choosing for them. I have tried very hard to let this be DC’s choice without my influence, but am finding it harder now that DC seems to have settled on this as a top, potentially ED, choice. The college is “fine” and I don’t have an issue with DC applying, but I don’t think DC should limit themselves now to it by applying ED. My reasons admittedly relate to lack of perceived prestige but also because this college has less robust academic offerings, outplacement than some of DC’s other choices, and the peer group will likely not be as engaged and academic as DC is - I feel like DC has worked hard and is a great student and should “go for” something aligned with their academic achievements. I have tried to explain my concerns to DC, but they just view it as my criticizing their preferred choice and wanting to control the process. DC’s main reasons for the college becoming the top choice relate to a comfortable feeling that DC had when we visited, and they have a robust activity that is a little unusual that DC enjoys (not this one but think: varsity fencing team, vs just fencing clubs elsewhere). Any advice for me? Thank you in advance for please replying with polite advice.

[Anonymous]

I get it, OP. I'm in the same situation... and I've been teaching myself to accept it and let it be the kid's choice. Learn to pick and choose your battles. What you (and I) value is not necessarily what our kids value in picking a school.

And if they change their minds after they go there... it's not the end of the world! I know kids who were 1000% sure they would love ____ (well-respected, hard to get into college) and then after 3-6 mons they were busy searching for places to transfer as soon as they could. It's OK! A kid who owns the decision is a kid who is becoming an adult.

[Anonymous]

Just tell us the school.

[Anonymous]

Maybe insist on one more visit before committing to ED? If he still loves it, you may need to accept that this is where he’ll be happiest. But if the first visit was a fluke, he might get a fuller picture of the school and back down to RD, giving himself options.

[Anonymous]

It's a difficult situation and I understand. Our DC likewise became enamored with a school we were just ~meh~ about and when they got more serious, we requested that they visit again, talk to professors about their field of interest, stay overnight, etc. They did all of that and still wanted to go there.

We had said that they could go wherever they wanted subject to our budget, and we abided by that commitment despite our own reservations and wish that DC go elsewhere.

DC is now a junior and moderately happy at their school of choice. Occasionally DC has raised the question of why school is so expensive, whether it would have been a better experience at a different school, whether there would have been more course offerings in their major, etc. We say nothing other than that they made the choice that they wanted at the time and will get the degree, mission accomplished. We have encouraged DC to seek opportunities wherever possible, e.g. study abroad, summer classes, etc.

Although we would have preferred that DC have chosen a different school, this has worked out ok, and perhaps most importantly, it was DC's own decision - their first adult decision - and they have to live with it, for better and for worse. Had we pressured DC to choose a different school, the above conversations would have included directing blame at us. (I assure you of that, LOL.) I actually think that is an important facet of the process because it makes DC 100% responsible for everything relating to their higher education.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Would it Cost less though?
DC is in the similar situation, I feel it could be a good idea to go somewhere less cutthroat, DC is in a magnet program now.

[Anonymous]

I agree with visit one more time before applying ED. I would also suggest having DC work out a full 4year schedule for the desired school and at least one other (e.g. your top choice and state school). Sometimes actually looking at the coursework helps kids realize how different the programs are.

Also, how selective is the school and how competitive is DC? My kid #2 chose not to ED because there were several programs that were interesting and they could still apply RD (and they got into the two T10 they applied to, and didn’t pick them in the end). Kids change a lot between now and May 1. Sometimes it’s better to have options to choose between, rather than committing early. Ask your DC to think about how different they are now compared to 1 year ago. They will change that much again this year.

[Anonymous]

There’s a lot of speculation in the first post. You perceive it is less prestigious and you assume its students will not be a good peer group? How do you know?

[Anonymous]

I would try to get them to hedge off the ED maybe. Not sure if your DC changed much over the course of their Jr year, but our DC certainly did. Maybe present it as giving their future self the gift of choice instead of locking themselves in now? (As long as you believe they could get into the school after applying EA or RD).

[Anonymous]

"My reasons admittedly relate to lack of perceived prestige"

So really it's all about what you want (ability to brag to your friends and put that "Yale Mom" sticker on your car) rather than what your kid wants and what's good for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Just name the school. We’ll tell you what to think about it.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for these helpful and supportive response, from OP. We did insist on a second visit, and our DC had lunch with a current student. This visit is what solidified for DC that they want to apply to said college ED. Also like a PP, we committed to DC early in the college search process that the final choice is theirs so I do not want to renege on that now (I assumed DC’s thoughts would be more aligned with ours, haha, I should have known better). I think I have to make peace with the fact that ultimately I have to let DC take ownership of this choice, and let the chips fall where they do, otherwise there will be a lot of blame and resentment towards me from DC in the future, especially since there is no guaranty they would love the colleges I think are better fits. It is very hard when you spend 18 years trying to support and help your children so they have as many open doors as possible, and then you see them making an important decision that you feel could be limiting.

To clarify based on a different pp’s response, in no way do I think student at this college are any “less” as humans - in fact I agree with DC that everyone we met seemed really friendly and nice, and there are smart and hardworking students everywhere. But the same way we always encouraged DC to take AP classes and the most rigorous math track, there is a benefit to being with a peer group that matches your intellect and curiosity. And at a college that has top professors and more robust department offerings. It’s not an exact science but you can discern some of this from the data that the colleges themselves publish.

[Anonymous]

We recently went through this with our freshman and while we still have second thoughts about where he could have gone, we in no way discuss that with him. He’s actually thriving at an honor college in a decent out of state public school and who is to say he’d thrive at a “higher” ranked school. By the way, those “higher” ranked schools tend to be much more expensive, especially if private, and may not provide a substantially better education.

[Anonymous]

If you live in the DMV and your kid goes to a competitive high school, you’ll be surprised at how difficult it is to be accepted anywhere. There is just so much competition in the area. I’m convinced my kid could have gotten into an elite college with his stars if we lived elsewhere because those kids are no smarter than the kids at top 100 schools. They just fit what the schools are looking for.

[Anonymous]

I am not answering until you tell us the school.

Also I think you mostly care because you care what others think.