Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?

[Anonymous]

I'm 45, DH is 39, we are doing great right now. I've always had a high drive and we're a good match in bed. I worry a bit about what happens when I'm 50 and he's 44 etc. Any words of advice or encouragement?

[Anonymous]

Well if it helps I’m 36 and H is 43, and he has almost zero drive. Told him multiple times I wanted to have sex this weekend and he’s been avoiding me as much as possible. Actually chose to do chores rather than sex. So maybe your guy will also be low drive at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well if it helps I’m 36 and H is 43, and he has almost zero drive. Told him multiple times I wanted to have sex this weekend and he’s been avoiding me as much as possible. Actually chose to do chores rather than sex. So maybe your guy will also be low drive at that age.

Ugh, sorry, that sucks. I'm hoping we both have another 10+ good years...

[Anonymous]

Every person is so different. But turning to this board, you are most likely to get negative stories, because people on this forum generally have a gripes. Are you worried about your DH becoming less functional, or are you worried about yourself losing your drive? On average it seems like women’s drive decreases during menopause but it’s complex and I know several women who are the opposite of that and who have really great sex lives in their 50s. I wouldn’t worry about how other people are doing, if you have a good solid sex life now, then just keep it up.

From hearing other women’s stories, I think the main driver of women’s decreased sex drive is their decreased interest in their husbands and their insecurity about their bodies. Versus a purely physiological age related thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every person is so different. But turning to this board, you are most likely to get negative stories, because people on this forum generally have a gripes. Are you worried about your DH becoming less functional, or are you worried about yourself losing your drive? On average it seems like women’s drive decreases during menopause but it’s complex and I know several women who are the opposite of that and who have really great sex lives in their 50s. I wouldn’t worry about how other people are doing, if you have a good solid sex life now, then just keep it up.

From hearing other women’s stories, I think the main driver of women’s decreased sex drive is their decreased interest in their husbands and their insecurity about their bodies. Versus a purely physiological age related thing.

Thanks for this, very reasonable respond. I am not sure if I have any specific worries, just wondering if I should. I guess I feel like I've lucked out so far and hope we'll continue to be a good match for one another.

[Anonymous]

*response

[Anonymous]

We are struggling with this, but more because we had kids late. It's hard to find time and privacy. I will say that when we are able to create time, it's different than before kids. Less spontaneous but more intimate. I heard a podcast about this and apparently it's quite common for the quality and type of intimacy to change as we age. Just don't assume that change = bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every person is so different. But turning to this board, you are most likely to get negative stories, because people on this forum generally have a gripes. Are you worried about your DH becoming less functional, or are you worried about yourself losing your drive? On average it seems like women’s drive decreases during menopause but it’s complex and I know several women who are the opposite of that and who have really great sex lives in their 50s. I wouldn’t worry about how other people are doing, if you have a good solid sex life now, then just keep it up.

From hearing other women’s stories, I think the main driver of women’s decreased sex drive is their decreased interest in their husbands and their insecurity about their bodies. Versus a purely physiological age related thing.

Thanks for this, very reasonable respond. I am not sure if I have any specific worries, just wondering if I should. I guess I feel like I've lucked out so far and hope we'll continue to be a good match for one another.

NP. I agree with the PP to whom you're responding, who noted that here, you will get mostly negatives and gripes. And I'd add, OP: You feel like you've "lucked out" so far, but please realize, the continuance of a good sex life is not about luck at all. It's about effort and open discussion. You've had great sex organically so far and that's wonderful but don't get balky about the idea that you and he may need to do more talking as time goes on, checking in with each other. If frequency wanes more than you want, talk about that and make a conscious effort to schedule sex --yes, I know, not the hottest thought, but it can actually build anticpation if you both let it. And so on. Don't take it for granted -- it sounds like you don't, which is good -- but also don't attribute to "luck" what you can keep going with thought and effort. Signed, married 30 years, long dry spells, now incredibly reinvigorated in our late 50's and more frequent thatn in our 30s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are struggling with this, but more because we had kids late. It's hard to find time and privacy. I will say that when we are able to create time, it's different than before kids. Less spontaneous but more intimate. I heard a podcast about this and apparently it's quite common for the quality and type of intimacy to change as we age. Just don't assume that change = bad.

This, too. Absolutely spot on. -- PP from above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every person is so different. But turning to this board, you are most likely to get negative stories, because people on this forum generally have a gripes. Are you worried about your DH becoming less functional, or are you worried about yourself losing your drive? On average it seems like women’s drive decreases during menopause but it’s complex and I know several women who are the opposite of that and who have really great sex lives in their 50s. I wouldn’t worry about how other people are doing, if you have a good solid sex life now, then just keep it up.

From hearing other women’s stories, I think the main driver of women’s decreased sex drive is their decreased interest in their husbands and their insecurity about their bodies. Versus a purely physiological age related thing.

Thanks for this, very reasonable respond. I am not sure if I have any specific worries, just wondering if I should. I guess I feel like I've lucked out so far and hope we'll continue to be a good match for one another.

NP. I agree with the PP to whom you're responding, who noted that here, you will get mostly negatives and gripes. And I'd add, OP: You feel like you've "lucked out" so far, but please realize, the continuance of a good sex life is not about luck at all. It's about effort and open discussion. You've had great sex organically so far and that's wonderful but don't get balky about the idea that you and he may need to do more talking as time goes on, checking in with each other. If frequency wanes more than you want, talk about that and make a conscious effort to schedule sex --yes, I know, not the hottest thought, but it can actually build anticpation if you both let it. And so on. Don't take it for granted -- it sounds like you don't, which is good -- but also don't attribute to "luck" what you can keep going with thought and effort. Signed, married 30 years, long dry spells, now incredibly reinvigorated in our late 50's and more frequent thatn in our 30s

New poster here. This is such a great response! And very encouraging and inspiring. Thanks for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every person is so different. But turning to this board, you are most likely to get negative stories, because people on this forum generally have a gripes. Are you worried about your DH becoming less functional, or are you worried about yourself losing your drive? On average it seems like women’s drive decreases during menopause but it’s complex and I know several women who are the opposite of that and who have really great sex lives in their 50s. I wouldn’t worry about how other people are doing, if you have a good solid sex life now, then just keep it up.

From hearing other women’s stories, I think the main driver of women’s decreased sex drive is their decreased interest in their husbands and their insecurity about their bodies. Versus a purely physiological age related thing.

Thanks for this, very reasonable respond. I am not sure if I have any specific worries, just wondering if I should. I guess I feel like I've lucked out so far and hope we'll continue to be a good match for one another.

NP. I agree with the PP to whom you're responding, who noted that here, you will get mostly negatives and gripes. And I'd add, OP: You feel like you've "lucked out" so far, but please realize, the continuance of a good sex life is not about luck at all. It's about effort and open discussion. You've had great sex organically so far and that's wonderful but don't get balky about the idea that you and he may need to do more talking as time goes on, checking in with each other. If frequency wanes more than you want, talk about that and make a conscious effort to schedule sex --yes, I know, not the hottest thought, but it can actually build anticpation if you both let it. And so on. Don't take it for granted -- it sounds like you don't, which is good -- but also don't attribute to "luck" what you can keep going with thought and effort. Signed, married 30 years, long dry spells, now incredibly reinvigorated in our late 50's and more frequent thatn in our 30s

Thank you, this is giving me hope! -Op

[Anonymous]

But I thought it was impossible to understand each other’s references if there was an age gap in relationships.

[Anonymous]

I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

[Anonymous]

The only couple I know where the wife is 5 years older is very happy. People often gossip, because he is very attractive and looks better with age, but she is started to age at at a more rapid rate. They look almost odd next to each other at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only couple I know where the wife is 5 years older is very happy. People often gossip, because he is very attractive and looks better with age, but she is started to age at at a more rapid rate. They look almost odd next to each other at this point.

Hit enter too soon - it does not seem to phase them at all. He is still very attracted to her from what I can tell!