Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm 45, DH is 39, we are doing great right now. I've always had a high drive and we're a good match in bed. I worry a bit about what happens when I'm 50 and he's 44 etc. Any words of advice or encouragement?

Well. I am almost 59 and have a high drive, still. No problems with dryness or loss of libido and can still squirt every time if he's doing it right. I am dating a 50 yr old right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 45, DH is 39, we are doing great right now. I've always had a high drive and we're a good match in bed. I worry a bit about what happens when I'm 50 and he's 44 etc. Any words of advice or encouragement?

Well. I am almost 59 and have a high drive, still. No problems with dryness or loss of libido and can still squirt every time if he's doing it right. I am dating a 50 yr old right now.

DCUM, you have redeemed itself. Thank you, PP.
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No man wants a older woman.

Tell that to my 35 year old lover. Some men do like older women. We're fantastic in bed and I'm still fit and beautiful.

Guys who lack the swag to date someone their own age.. Half a step up from incels.

Nope. He can pull anyone. He's hot at hell. And we're just having sex, not dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1

Responding to the PP claiming how common it is for women to lose desire for their partner etc.:

It's typical on DCUM for people, women or men, who want out of their particular relationship to generalize that "it's incredibly common for women [or men if the poster is a man] to lose desire" and to say "we need variety" as if they speak for their entire gender, or they have a stack of scientific studies by their side to back them up.

Generalizations here often are the resort of those wanting to justify their individual desire for divorce, desire to cheat, or supposed "need" for that oh so desirable open marriage. Just divorce already, if you're at the "ALL women are like this/ALL men are like this" stage of rationalizing to get what you want.

I feel the same way as the zero desire for my DH PP. I guess I rationalize this as "normal and common" because if it isn't, then isn't it a sign that my marriage is over? If the alternative is that the norm is for women to maintain strong desire if the marriage is otherwise fine, then there are many of us who shouldn't be married.

While no one here can claim they know what the "norm" is, as you seem to realize, you are rationalizing away your larger marital problems by saying they're normal, common, lots of couples are like you, and that's not necessarily the case. But is your issue 100 percent about sexual desire (rather, lack of it)? Do you not love or even like the person your husband is? If so, is there then still NO basis for even trying to rekindle the sexual side? Why so unwilling even to try? If there is love for the person there, and at some earlier point there was also attraction too, why is there just no interest in figuring out how to get back to where you were? And saying "It's normal and common to lose desire over time" is, again, just trying to say it's all good since "everyone" is like you. Not the case.

Also -- not sure if you're the PP who said it but the PP who talked about how she would get her libido back if she divorced is also the one who said she is OK with being married to her DH but feeling no sexual interest in him at all. She does not say that she get sexually aroused by or interestd in anything or anyone else. The issue for her, maybe for you, may not be about your specific spouses at all, and ending the marriages and starting to date might not be any kind of solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every person is so different. But turning to this board, you are most likely to get negative stories, because people on this forum generally have a gripes. Are you worried about your DH becoming less functional, or are you worried about yourself losing your drive? On average it seems like women’s drive decreases during menopause but it’s complex and I know several women who are the opposite of that and who have really great sex lives in their 50s. I wouldn’t worry about how other people are doing, if you have a good solid sex life now, then just keep it up.

From hearing other women’s stories, I think the main driver of women’s decreased sex drive is their decreased interest in their husbands and their insecurity about their bodies. Versus a purely physiological age related thing.

This just isn't true sadly. Stop blaming women for something that happens naturally. There is a purely physiological age related thing, and it is complex. It doesn't hit everyone, but it happens to up to 45% of women who do not risk hormone replacement therapy, even those who previously had a high libido, enjoy sex, and still find their partners attractive. We're not just talking about libido either -- we talking pain and shredding of tissues with penetration. It's a thing. https://www.menopause.org/for-women/sexual-health-menopause-online/sexual-problems-at-midlife/pain-with-penetration

DP. There is much more to sexual pleasure than penetrative sex. Please think outside the box. It sounds as if you are experiencing physical issues with penetration. Have you seen a doctor about it? And have you explored with your partner the many other ways to please each other that don't involve PIV sex? There is a huge focus on PIV sex as the one and only endgame between partners. It just isn't. It's great but if it's problematiic, one, get outside help and two, experiment. There are many ways to reach many types of climax, and you don't have to be a tantric goddess to find them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No man wants a older woman.

Tell that to my 35 year old lover. Some men do like older women. We're fantastic in bed and I'm still fit and beautiful.

Guys who lack the swag to date someone their own age.. Half a step up from incels.

Nope. He can pull anyone. He's hot at hell. And we're just having sex, not dating.

From my experience, older women drop their panties more quickly for younger men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1.

I don't know any women who miss/ want/ need variety. In my circle low libido is either hormonal, due to too much stress, or due to built up resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1.

I don't know any women who miss/ want/ need variety. In my circle low libido is either hormonal, due to too much stress, or due to built up resentment.

Well I thought my low libido was due to being peri menopausal but then I had an affair and my drive came back with a vengeance. I mean, the idea that newly divorced women find their mojo again isn’t wrong. I’ve seen it happen so many times with friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1.

I don't know any women who miss/ want/ need variety. In my circle low libido is either hormonal, due to too much stress, or due to built up resentment.

Well I thought my low libido was due to being peri menopausal but then I had an affair and my drive came back with a vengeance. I mean, the idea that newly divorced women find their mojo again isn’t wrong. I’ve seen it happen so many times with friends

This is correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1.

I don't know any women who miss/ want/ need variety. In my circle low libido is either hormonal, due to too much stress, or due to built up resentment.

Well I thought my low libido was due to being peri menopausal but then I had an affair and my drive came back with a vengeance. I mean, the idea that newly divorced women find their mojo again isn’t wrong. I’ve seen it happen so many times with friends

This is correct.

Similar for men too. I thought I sucked in bed from all the rejection but when I got an AP she and I had amazing sex.

Monogamy is the problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1.

I don't know any women who miss/ want/ need variety. In my circle low libido is either hormonal, due to too much stress, or due to built up resentment.

Well I thought my low libido was due to being peri menopausal but then I had an affair and my drive came back with a vengeance. I mean, the idea that newly divorced women find their mojo again isn’t wrong. I’ve seen it happen so many times with friends

This is correct.

Similar for men too. I thought I sucked in bed from all the rejection but when I got an AP she and I had amazing sex.

Monogamy is the problem

The problem is lack communication and true intimacy/vulnerability. It is possible to have better and better sex with the same person but it requires people to drop their shields.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1.

I don't know any women who miss/ want/ need variety. In my circle low libido is either hormonal, due to too much stress, or due to built up resentment.

Well I thought my low libido was due to being peri menopausal but then I had an affair and my drive came back with a vengeance. I mean, the idea that newly divorced women find their mojo again isn’t wrong. I’ve seen it happen so many times with friends

You want applause for getting your mojo back by having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1.

I don't know any women who miss/ want/ need variety. In my circle low libido is either hormonal, due to too much stress, or due to built up resentment.

Well I thought my low libido was due to being peri menopausal but then I had an affair and my drive came back with a vengeance. I mean, the idea that newly divorced women find their mojo again isn’t wrong. I’ve seen it happen so many times with friends

This is correct.

Similar for men too. I thought I sucked in bed from all the rejection but when I got an AP she and I had amazing sex.

Monogamy is the problem

The problem is lack communication and true intimacy/vulnerability. It is possible to have better and better sex with the same person but it requires people to drop their shields.

+1

All the "monogamy doesn't work!" posters are doing monogamy wrong. They believe it's about sex first and foremost. They don't get that the sex is an expression of the rest of the relationship.

But PP, you and I are the outliers on DCUM, where many posters believe that sex rules everything, and working on a better sex life with a committed partner isn't a thing. God forbid people should actually make an effort to stay together and work on sex, if the sex isn't perfect and steaming hot every single time. Unrealistic expectations and the belief everyone is owed a perfect and easy sex life are toxic on this site.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every person is so different. But turning to this board, you are most likely to get negative stories, because people on this forum generally have a gripes. Are you worried about your DH becoming less functional, or are you worried about yourself losing your drive? On average it seems like women’s drive decreases during menopause but it’s complex and I know several women who are the opposite of that and who have really great sex lives in their 50s. I wouldn’t worry about how other people are doing, if you have a good solid sex life now, then just keep it up.

From hearing other women’s stories, I think the main driver of women’s decreased sex drive is their decreased interest in their husbands and their insecurity about their bodies. Versus a purely physiological age related thing.

Thanks for this, very reasonable respond. I am not sure if I have any specific worries, just wondering if I should. I guess I feel like I've lucked out so far and hope we'll continue to be a good match for one another.

No one on this board can give you the reassurance you are seeking. Even if every response said their relationship was great, that still would not imply that yours will be, too. Instead of seeking outside validation, invest in yourself and your relationship to maximize your chance of success.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1.

I don't know any women who miss/ want/ need variety. In my circle low libido is either hormonal, due to too much stress, or due to built up resentment.

Well I thought my low libido was due to being peri menopausal but then I had an affair and my drive came back with a vengeance. I mean, the idea that newly divorced women find their mojo again isn’t wrong. I’ve seen it happen so many times with friends

This is correct.

How much of the heat comes from the fact the sex seems transgressive, because, affair.

But I'm sure you'll all post about how you married or stayed with your APs, are happily growing older together with no resentment over gained pounds or lost hair or reduced mojo, and you'll gladly care for each other when you get sick and when sex isn't happening much any more. Right? Right.