Older woman couples, how are you doing in midlife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1.

I don't know any women who miss/ want/ need variety. In my circle low libido is either hormonal, due to too much stress, or due to built up resentment.

Well I thought my low libido was due to being peri menopausal but then I had an affair and my drive came back with a vengeance. I mean, the idea that newly divorced women find their mojo again isn’t wrong. I’ve seen it happen so many times with friends

This is correct.

Similar for men too. I thought I sucked in bed from all the rejection but when I got an AP she and I had amazing sex.

Monogamy is the problem

The problem is lack communication and true intimacy/vulnerability. It is possible to have better and better sex with the same person but it requires people to drop their shields.

+1

All the "monogamy doesn't work!" posters are doing monogamy wrong. They believe it's about sex first and foremost. They don't get that the sex is an expression of the rest of the relationship.

But PP, you and I are the outliers on DCUM, where many posters believe that sex rules everything, and working on a better sex life with a committed partner isn't a thing. God forbid people should actually make an effort to stay together and work on sex, if the sex isn't perfect and steaming hot every single time. Unrealistic expectations and the belief everyone is owed a perfect and easy sex life are toxic on this site.

Nope. Biology is a thing. Just like I had little control when I became baby crazy in my early 30s, I also have little control when I want variety in my 40s. Humans are not biologically programmed for monogamy — it makes no sense for survival of the species. We need variety.
My DH and I always have great sex, but it's nowhere near as exciting as it is with a new partner. I may not orgasm as frequently with a new partner, but it gets me far more wet and excited as meat & potatoes for dinner every freakin' night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1.

I don't know any women who miss/ want/ need variety. In my circle low libido is either hormonal, due to too much stress, or due to built up resentment.

Well I thought my low libido was due to being peri menopausal but then I had an affair and my drive came back with a vengeance. I mean, the idea that newly divorced women find their mojo again isn’t wrong. I’ve seen it happen so many times with friends

You want applause for getting your mojo back by having an affair?

Of course not. I am just pointing out that many women think it's mid-life or menopause, but maybe they should stop blaming themselves for "low libido" when it's really just low desire for the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1.

I don't know any women who miss/ want/ need variety. In my circle low libido is either hormonal, due to too much stress, or due to built up resentment.

Well I thought my low libido was due to being peri menopausal but then I had an affair and my drive came back with a vengeance. I mean, the idea that newly divorced women find their mojo again isn’t wrong. I’ve seen it happen so many times with friends

This is correct.

How much of the heat comes from the fact the sex seems transgressive, because, affair.

But I'm sure you'll all post about how you married or stayed with your APs, are happily growing older together with no resentment over gained pounds or lost hair or reduced mojo, and you'll gladly care for each other when you get sick and when sex isn't happening much any more. Right? Right.

90% of it, for sure. I have no intention of creating a life with my AP, nor would he leave his family. We both know we'd end up in the same place (probably worse) with each other a few years down the road. We don't feel good about it, but it's a short-term addiction that we are slowly ending. I've learned a lot about myself and am in therapy because of this. Sure, I'm a POS, but we're all just doing the best we can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No man wants a older woman.

false, every man I have dated (and my husband) has been younger

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No man wants a older woman.

false, every man I have dated (and my husband) has been younger

Second-raters. Keep them away from everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No man wants a older woman.

false, every man I have dated (and my husband) has been younger

Second-raters. Keep them away from everyone else.

Man, you’re really committed to your misogyny, aintcha?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No man wants a older woman.

false, every man I have dated (and my husband) has been younger

Second-raters. Keep them away from everyone else.

Man, you’re really committed to your misogyny, aintcha?

Oh they definitely are!

+1 to the younger men dating PP. My DH is also younger. In my experience, men DGAF about age

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1.

I don't know any women who miss/ want/ need variety. In my circle low libido is either hormonal, due to too much stress, or due to built up resentment.

Well I thought my low libido was due to being peri menopausal but then I had an affair and my drive came back with a vengeance. I mean, the idea that newly divorced women find their mojo again isn’t wrong. I’ve seen it happen so many times with friends

This is correct.

Similar for men too. I thought I sucked in bed from all the rejection but when I got an AP she and I had amazing sex.

Monogamy is the problem

The problem is lack communication and true intimacy/vulnerability. It is possible to have better and better sex with the same person but it requires people to drop their shields.

+1

All the "monogamy doesn't work!" posters are doing monogamy wrong. They believe it's about sex first and foremost. They don't get that the sex is an expression of the rest of the relationship.

But PP, you and I are the outliers on DCUM, where many posters believe that sex rules everything, and working on a better sex life with a committed partner isn't a thing. God forbid people should actually make an effort to stay together and work on sex, if the sex isn't perfect and steaming hot every single time. Unrealistic expectations and the belief everyone is owed a perfect and easy sex life are toxic on this site.

I agree with you, but it literally takes two to tango. What if your spouse doesn't want to work on a better sex life? I totally agree that sex is the barometer of the relationship, which is why I always say, if you aren't having decent and somewhat frequent sex, I can predict infidelity or divorce in your future.

[Anonymous]

Love to read all these beautiful greatest love stories of all time about dashing younger men who have witty repartee and fulfilling sex lives with sexy, attractive older women.

It’s completely different from when a paunchy and balding older man dates a younger woman and they have nothing to talk about, never get each other’s references (he only watches WWII documentaries and she loves the Real Housewives) and clearly are only together due to $$$.

[Anonymous]

The problem is lack communication and true intimacy/vulnerability. It is possible to have better and better sex with the same person but it requires people to drop their shields.

+1000

I am a 58yo male in the most amazing and best relationship of my life (2yrs so far). Every day I make the choice to love her, be totally honest, and be totally vulnerable. The trust and emotional safety we both feel is incredible and has laid the foundation for the best sex of our lives. It turns out the secret is communication without fear of judgement... who knew? LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

It hasn't been my experience in two long term relationships. The first lasted 8 years and the sex was great through the very end. The second is my marriage, 12 years and the sex is actually getting better over time.

+1.

I don't know any women who miss/ want/ need variety. In my circle low libido is either hormonal, due to too much stress, or due to built up resentment.

Well I thought my low libido was due to being peri menopausal but then I had an affair and my drive came back with a vengeance. I mean, the idea that newly divorced women find their mojo again isn’t wrong. I’ve seen it happen so many times with friends

This is correct.

Similar for men too. I thought I sucked in bed from all the rejection but when I got an AP she and I had amazing sex.

Monogamy is the problem

The problem is lack communication and true intimacy/vulnerability. It is possible to have better and better sex with the same person but it requires people to drop their shields.

+1

All the "monogamy doesn't work!" posters are doing monogamy wrong. They believe it's about sex first and foremost. They don't get that the sex is an expression of the rest of the relationship.

But PP, you and I are the outliers on DCUM, where many posters believe that sex rules everything, and working on a better sex life with a committed partner isn't a thing. God forbid people should actually make an effort to stay together and work on sex, if the sex isn't perfect and steaming hot every single time. Unrealistic expectations and the belief everyone is owed a perfect and easy sex life are toxic on this site.

Nope. Biology is a thing. Just like I had little control when I became baby crazy in my early 30s, I also have little control when I want variety in my 40s. Humans are not biologically programmed for monogamy — it makes no sense for survival of the species. We need variety.
My DH and I always have great sex, but it's nowhere near as exciting as it is with a new partner. I may not orgasm as frequently with a new partner, but it gets me far more wet and excited as meat & potatoes for dinner every freakin' night.

But that's you and your biology which is a result of your upbringing and genetics. Other people just simply don't feel this way. I have never felt this way. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No man wants a older woman.

Tell that to my 35 year old lover. Some men do like older women. We're fantastic in bed and I'm still fit and beautiful.

Guys who lack the swag to date someone their own age.. Half a step up from incels.

Nope. He can pull anyone. He's hot at hell. And we're just having sex, not dating.

Not the brag you think it is. If it’s just sex, men will sleep with fat women also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No man wants a older woman.

Tell that to my 35 year old lover. Some men do like older women. We're fantastic in bed and I'm still fit and beautiful.

Guys who lack the swag to date someone their own age.. Half a step up from incels.

Nope. He can pull anyone. He's hot at hell. And we're just having sex, not dating.

Not the brag you think it is. If it’s just sex, men will sleep with fat women also.

Not the put down you think it is either. Many fat women are hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well if it helps I’m 36 and H is 43, and he has almost zero drive. Told him multiple times I wanted to have sex this weekend and he’s been avoiding me as much as possible. Actually chose to do chores rather than sex. So maybe your guy will also be low drive at that age.

Ugh, sorry, that sucks. I'm hoping we both have another 10+ good years...

age doesn't have a lot to do with it. I am 49 wife, DH is 54. He has not initiated in over three years. And when I do initiatie, I am so resentful and its not satisfying for me anyow. . Averaging 6 times per year. But he is a great partner and parent in every other way, so there is that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I had your libidos! I am 3 years older than DH and it's been a constant struggle with him wanting it always and me never. It's only getting worse as I approach 50. He has stopped initiating all together which is unfair but I also understand.

DP, not OP. Kind of a side note, so sorry to OP! But to the PP: Are you already in menopause? I'm asking because I'm wondering if you're still on birth control--? Or have been on it for a long time? I've posted about this before, but hormonal BC - miracle that it is, no doubt! -- can crush libido in some women. And ob/gyns very often do not discuss that aspect of the pill and other hormonal BC. If you've been on it for a long time, that might be part of the "constant struggle" over years. I am NOT saying it's the only reason but it's one thing that I have surprisingly found many women have never been told, or not told clearly enough--that it can suppress libido. Not everyone, but more of us than I think realize it. It absolutely affected my libido for years, once I went off the pill, my libido greatly increased. Nothing to do with age differences (and PP, three years is nothing at all). Just something to consider. (Also, I found it was a myth that "every" woman loses interest in sex at menopause as DCUM likes to claim - menopause was the best thing that ever happened to our sex life, frankly.)

The fact your DH has stopped initiating altogehter should be worrying, yet you sound resigned to it. BC issues aside, Have you and he talked about his no longer initiating and how you and he can work together to restore sex to the marriage? Scheduling sex, using toys or changing up your foreplay, women's testosterone therapy (look it up re: Mayo Clinic), seeing a sex therapist, getting a good physical checkup, most of all being open about how to work on this? You don't have to be resigned to this. It may feel like a huge relief to you for him not to be initiating any more -- but it will affect you both emotionally, eventually. Not criticizing you, OP! Just saying it's concerning if you and he aren't communcating about the issue and aren't coming up with ways to work on it as a couple, together.

Thanks for responding

I went off BC years ago, made no difference. We scheduled sex once a week but then he'd be upset if I wasnt into it which I wasn't but he couldn't handle having a partner who just wanted to make him happy. Which I get but I can't help it. I think I am just not wired for monogamy.

Yes, I know no sex is a problem but I can't make him initiate and frankly I am fine with things. I am not in menopause yet.

I guess I don't know what your secret sauce is. We have a functional marriage but it's not remotely passionate and he's given up. I guess I dream that if I married someone 5-10 years older, he'd be pushing 60 and the lack of sex would be more normal

You say you're not wired for monogamy but also that you're fine with the way things are (a se less marriage?). What do you actually mean?

I mean that I have no desire for him at all even though he is literally tall, dark and handsome and successful. I imagine if I divorce I would regain my libido. I don't know how other women find desire to have sex with the same person for years. It doesn't feel normal to me. It also doesn't help he looks young for his age and I don't.

I think it’s incredibly common for women to lose desire for their partner after a few years. Sadly it doesn’t matter if he’s still hot. We need variety and I’d venture to say we need it waaaay more than men. We just internalize these struggles and it expresses as low libido. The real problem is boredom.

this 100%. WOmen definitely need more variety. Men ulitmately need validation and convenience.