boy mom vs girl mom

[Anonymous]

Having girls vs boys. I only have girls, I know boys are different but would anyone like to share something concrete that differentiates the two genders as it relates to being a mom? Simply curious.

[Anonymous]

Boys make a bigger mess when they pee.

Seriously, that’s it. And the boy mom/girl mom stuff is gross.

[Anonymous]

I have one of each. But any difference I could pull out between them can't be pin pointed to just their sex. They are different kids.

So far, there is no noticeable difference in raising them because one is a boy and one is a girl. The differences are because they are unique people.

Examples:
-I feel strongly about teaching them BOTH about body consent
-I feel strongly about teaching them BOTH good manners and hygiene
-I feel strongly about teaching them BOTH how to be good friends, and how to have boundaries with friends, and when to step back from a friend

Perhaps things will change when they're older, but they are 6 and 8 now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boys make a bigger mess when they pee.

Seriously, that’s it. And the boy mom/girl mom stuff is gross.

My boy kid still sits to pee, so he's really very clean! We'll see when that changes, since he's just 5.

[Anonymous]

I spend less time doing my sons' hair than my daughter's.

[Anonymous]

I think girls wind up dealing with more complex social issues than boys. I don't necessarily think this is innate to girls -- I think they get socialized into it whereas boys are encouraged and modeled very straightforward friendships and social relationships.

This absolutely impacts your experience as a mom. I was surprised when the drama around female friendships started so young with my DD -- there was a "popular" girl in her preschool class and the other girls would compete for this girl's attention. It was hard to navigate and I was surprised by how perceptive the girls were to very minor shifts in these friendships. Like my DD would tell me that the popular girl had chosen a kind of favorite friend and that another girl was envious and so had been playing on her own a lot recently. These girls were FOUR. And this was not some adult drama that was superimposed on these kids by their moms -- this preschool did not have a cohesive parent community and while everyone was friendly at drop-off, pick-up, none of us socialized outside school events and kid birthdays. So this is something that organically emerged in the classroom. I've never encountered boys with that kind of social interaction at that age, or even much older.

As my DD has gotten older, I also think that sometimes schools/teachers treat boys and girls differently and that impacts your experience, too. A good friend of mine has a daughter with ADHD, and the school handles it so much differently than they do boys with the same diagnosis. On the one hand, it tends to present differently, but on the other hand I think often this girl is expected to self-manage her diagnosis in a way the boys are not. Even beyond that situation, I think girls are often expected to self-regulate from an earlier age and there is more school and social reprobation if they are struggling with that. Up to a certain threshold (i.e. hurting people) disruptive behavior or outbursts from boys are viewed as much more developmentally normal into the elementary grades than the same behavior from girls.

It's hard though because this has to do with gendered social expectations, which can emerge at school, at home, from peers, from social media, from other media. But some of it, like that social behavior in my DD's preschool class, can crop up no matter what.

[Anonymous]

I HATE "boy mom" v. "girl mom" as identities. The real differences are:
(1) cleaning up pee
(2) doing hair
(3) teaching about menstruation (which is only a moderate difference, because all kids should learn about how babies are made, including the basics of the reproductive systems of both sexes, and everyone needs to know about consent and respect for partners and themselves)
That's it. Maybe boys are noisier on average, or have less "dramatic" friendships on average, but there is as much variation within the sexes as between them, and what's true on average can easily be untrue for a specific boy or girl. Boys can be just as sensitive, girls can be just as physical. Boys can have frenemies and be catty, girls can be messy and smelly and not care about how they look. Puberty makes them all a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think girls wind up dealing with more complex social issues than boys. I don't necessarily think this is innate to girls -- I think they get socialized into it whereas boys are encouraged and modeled very straightforward friendships and social relationships.

This absolutely impacts your experience as a mom. I was surprised when the drama around female friendships started so young with my DD -- there was a "popular" girl in her preschool class and the other girls would compete for this girl's attention. It was hard to navigate and I was surprised by how perceptive the girls were to very minor shifts in these friendships. Like my DD would tell me that the popular girl had chosen a kind of favorite friend and that another girl was envious and so had been playing on her own a lot recently. These girls were FOUR. And this was not some adult drama that was superimposed on these kids by their moms -- this preschool did not have a cohesive parent community and while everyone was friendly at drop-off, pick-up, none of us socialized outside school events and kid birthdays. So this is something that organically emerged in the classroom. I've never encountered boys with that kind of social interaction at that age, or even much older.

As my DD has gotten older, I also think that sometimes schools/teachers treat boys and girls differently and that impacts your experience, too. A good friend of mine has a daughter with ADHD, and the school handles it so much differently than they do boys with the same diagnosis. On the one hand, it tends to present differently, but on the other hand I think often this girl is expected to self-manage her diagnosis in a way the boys are not. Even beyond that situation, I think girls are often expected to self-regulate from an earlier age and there is more school and social reprobation if they are struggling with that. Up to a certain threshold (i.e. hurting people) disruptive behavior or outbursts from boys are viewed as much more developmentally normal into the elementary grades than the same behavior from girls.

It's hard though because this has to do with gendered social expectations, which can emerge at school, at home, from peers, from social media, from other media. But some of it, like that social behavior in my DD's preschool class, can crop up no matter what.

I have seen similar dynamics among boys -- the popular boy that everyone wants to be around, whose choice of playmate or friend creates jealousy or unhappiness, definitely exists. And while it might arise a little later, I have absolutely seen those boys realize that they possess that power, and using it intentionally, sometimes in ways that we would call "being a mean girl" if a girl did it.

I do agree that gendered expectations for kids do differ, and as a parent, you have to be aware of that. Girls are expected to be "nice" and compliant, have more self-control, manage their feelings better, and generally self-regulate better. Girls with ADHD are more often written off as flaky or spacy, because they tend to be less of a behavioral problem. People expect girls to suppress anger, but have more tolerance for other emotions, like fear or sadness. People have more tolerance for boys being disruptive or physical or expressing anger, and less tolerance for boys who express sadness, fear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boys make a bigger mess when they pee.

Seriously, that’s it. And the boy mom/girl mom stuff is gross.

+1

The moms that get really into being a #boymom or #girlmom are just ASKING for their kid to have issues with their gender.

[Anonymous]

Mom to 3 girls then a 1 boy a few yrs later.

It's hard to say, maybe bc I'm way older/more tired/burnt out when my boy was born than when I had my girls or maybe it is the birth order or maybe bc its their personality, but DS loved (and still does) physical things, very tactile, and gravitate towards males. He'll go for a walk, see an obscure stick, go out of his way to pick up said stick, then use it as a sword. Love how his little mind works.

[Anonymous]

I have two girls (9 and 5) who are very different. A lot of aspects of my 5 year old (less verbal, more physical) I feel like - had they been born different sexes - would be attributed to her being a boy when really they are clearly just very different people. She’s starting to have some interest in reading about princesses but last night she wanted one story about them and one about trucks (again, often ascribed to boys). My older daughter has had some interest in bras and makeup (not that boys can’t use makeup but it’s less common) so as they go through puberty there are more differences. My older daughter is also very quick with emotions (as am I) which, again, is often ascribed to girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boys make a bigger mess when they pee.

Seriously, that’s it. And the boy mom/girl mom stuff is gross.

This. And they smell worse. But that’s it.

[Anonymous]

So far, there is no noticeable difference in raising them because one is a boy and one is a girl. The differences are because they are unique people.

This is correct.

[Anonymous]

I have three boys and one girl. I agree that there were social/friend relationship things starting much earlier with my daughter. Some of it was funny, and some was downright mean (another little girl telling my daughter’s friends not to be friends with her at 6-7 years old). This stuff happened with my boys, but not until they starteded to hit puberty and had an increase in testosterone. It seemed more hormonal and less social than in the girls my daughter is friends with. DD went to an all girls summer camp this year, and I think it was good for her to see how the girls socialize with each other because she had been struggling with it at school. It makes me kind of sad though. I think the boys are allowed to be who they are without having to conform to the world a lot longer than girls are.
The boys were more physical when they were young. When their friends would come over, they would run around the yard and the house and get into stuff. My daughter and her friends would spend a lot more time sitting in her room and talking. They were just as physical and competitive when it comes to sports and just as likely to take a swing at each other as the boys though.

I did not have the experience at school that pp is talking about. My experience was that early elementary school seemed to be pretty geared towards girls. With the exception of a couple of teachers, I think that most elementary school teachers just identify more with girls. There was a lot of talking and coloring and not a lot of physical play in their learning (again, there were two exceptions).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think girls wind up dealing with more complex social issues than boys. I don't necessarily think this is innate to girls -- I think they get socialized into it whereas boys are encouraged and modeled very straightforward friendships and social relationships.

This absolutely impacts your experience as a mom. I was surprised when the drama around female friendships started so young with my DD -- there was a "popular" girl in her preschool class and the other girls would compete for this girl's attention. It was hard to navigate and I was surprised by how perceptive the girls were to very minor shifts in these friendships. Like my DD would tell me that the popular girl had chosen a kind of favorite friend and that another girl was envious and so had been playing on her own a lot recently. These girls were FOUR. And this was not some adult drama that was superimposed on these kids by their moms -- this preschool did not have a cohesive parent community and while everyone was friendly at drop-off, pick-up, none of us socialized outside school events and kid birthdays. So this is something that organically emerged in the classroom. I've never encountered boys with that kind of social interaction at that age, or even much older.

As my DD has gotten older, I also think that sometimes schools/teachers treat boys and girls differently and that impacts your experience, too. A good friend of mine has a daughter with ADHD, and the school handles it so much differently than they do boys with the same diagnosis. On the one hand, it tends to present differently, but on the other hand I think often this girl is expected to self-manage her diagnosis in a way the boys are not. Even beyond that situation, I think girls are often expected to self-regulate from an earlier age and there is more school and social reprobation if they are struggling with that. Up to a certain threshold (i.e. hurting people) disruptive behavior or outbursts from boys are viewed as much more developmentally normal into the elementary grades than the same behavior from girls.

It's hard though because this has to do with gendered social expectations, which can emerge at school, at home, from peers, from social media, from other media. But some of it, like that social behavior in my DD's preschool class, can crop up no matter what.

I have seen similar dynamics among boys -- the popular boy that everyone wants to be around, whose choice of playmate or friend creates jealousy or unhappiness, definitely exists. And while it might arise a little later, I have absolutely seen those boys realize that they possess that power, and using it intentionally, sometimes in ways that we would call "being a mean girl" if a girl did it.

I do agree that gendered expectations for kids do differ, and as a parent, you have to be aware of that. Girls are expected to be "nice" and compliant, have more self-control, manage their feelings better, and generally self-regulate better. Girls with ADHD are more often written off as flaky or spacy, because they tend to be less of a behavioral problem. People expect girls to suppress anger, but have more tolerance for other emotions, like fear or sadness. People have more tolerance for boys being disruptive or physical or expressing anger, and less tolerance for boys who express sadness, fear.

Yes to all this (PP here). I am sure you are right about boys having those social dynamics, but I mentioned it because when it happened the parents with girls I spoke to nodded and said "oh yeah, we went through that in kindergarten" or whatever, and the parents of boys I spoke to were like "what? no way, I've never heard of this." So I assumed it was gender difference.

But as with many things, it might just be the way people perceive the gender difference. Maybe adults are more likely to notice the way girls socialize because girls are judged more on how social/popular they are, and maybe parents of boys don't worry about this as much? I don't know as I only have girls.

My bigger point is that the difference between raising boys and girls likely stems not in their innate differences but in the fact that society treats them differently which will require you to parent them differently. My kid is not quite at that age yet, but I remember I worried about my appearance a lot as a teen in a way my brothers did not. It's not that they didn't go through that typical adolescent period of not knowing what to do with your body (and also the awkward hormonal growth stages). But the expectations for them were lower whereas I always felt intense pressure to dress a certain way and for my hair and skin and body to look the way it was "supposed to." So it's not that girls care more about their appearance than boys, but that the stakes are higher for girls because of social expectations. Or at least that was my experience growing up.