Ignoring Pregnancy Texts from SIL

[Anonymous]

When I was pregnant with DC2 SIL and BIL saw us occasionally throughout the pregnancy and did not ask one question about it. The actually actively dominated every conversation and pretty much talked exclusively about themselves...They occasionally asked us questions, but never about the pregnancy. They also never congratulated us after the birth and basically that's the status quo... It's almost like we never had a DC2. SIL and I were pregnant at the same time with our DC1s and we were in communication somewhat regularly, so I thought that when I was pregnant with DC2 that she and BIL would act similarly and inquire about how things were going when we saw them at family events. Obviously that didn't happen and I'm still hurt, especially because I had life threatening complications during the pregnancy and a miscarriage before conceiving DC2.

Anyway, SIL is pregnant with her DC2 and has started texting DH's entire family updates. I said congrats to the initial "OMGGGG! CAN'T BELIEVE I'M PREGNANT!! IT'S AMAZING. WE ARE ALL OVERJOYED!!!" text, but don't want to respond to any of her other updates. Can I feel good about this?

[Anonymous]

No guilt. Feel free to ignore

[Anonymous]

Sounds like they may have been dealing with secondary infertility and couldn't handle your pregnancy with DC2. Doesn't excuse their reaction, but may explain it.

[Anonymous]

Any chance she struggled to conceive DC2? I could see it being hard for her to engage if she was struggling with fertility given that you were on the same 'timeline' for DC1.

Not dismissing your hurt about the situation, but worth considering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they may have been dealing with secondary infertility and couldn't handle your pregnancy with DC2. Doesn't excuse their reaction, but may explain it.

+1. You have no idea what was going on. I don’t see why you would want to do something to her that you felt was rude and hurtful?

[Anonymous]

Why do people overthink this crap? Do enough so you won't be clearly marked as ignoring her and nothing else. Smile, interact normally, give the old 'thumbs up' on a text now and again. And kick the lady out of the apartment she's renting in your brain.

[Anonymous]

I mean, you don't have to go overboard, but I generally don't feel good about being petty. It's possible that they were struggling with secondary infertility and just didn't handle it well. I see no reason not to be polite and respond like normal (again, no need to be really gushy or anything, just normal acknowledgement). What do you have to lose?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people overthink this crap? Do enough so you won't be clearly marked as ignoring her and nothing else. Smile, interact normally, give the old 'thumbs up' on a text now and again. And kick the lady out of the apartment she's renting in your brain.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they may have been dealing with secondary infertility and couldn't handle your pregnancy with DC2. Doesn't excuse their reaction, but may explain it.

This would be my guess as well. When I was struggling with PPD after my first, DH and I didn't make it to every family gathering, didn't check in with people as often as we would have before, etc. We probably looked like we didn't care about seeing family, but we were just trying to survive and not steal the spotlight from others' life milestones.

[Anonymous]

This woman is gestating your kid's cousin, and your husband's niece/nephew, so a bit of kindness is probably in order.

Do better,OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This woman is gestating your kid's cousin, and your husband's niece/nephew, so a bit of kindness is probably in order.

Do better,OP.

Better than OP's SIL and BIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This woman is gestating your kid's cousin, and your husband's niece/nephew, so a bit of kindness is probably in order.

Do better,OP.

Better than OP's SIL and BIL?

Yes. It's not a big lift to respond to a few texts. Look at it this way: OP thinks that they were wrong not to ask her about her pregnancy. So why would she want to be like them? Why not behave the way that she thinks people should behave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they may have been dealing with secondary infertility and couldn't handle your pregnancy with DC2. Doesn't excuse their reaction, but may explain it.

+however many at this point. I'm going through secondary infertility now and everyone that was pregnant "with" me with DC1 has had, or is pregnant with, their second kid, even the ones that had infertility struggles. The cheese stands alone. I'm not saying your SIL was right to ignore your second pregnancy (and I make it clear I'm happy for all my friends/familiy members who have had additional kids, because I am) but it realllllllly sucks. It hurts to see it happen for everyone else when it's not happening for you and it's what you want most.

Give her a little grace here OP. If the worst thing she ever did to you was avoid talking about your second pregnancy she's probably not that bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they may have been dealing with secondary infertility and couldn't handle your pregnancy with DC2. Doesn't excuse their reaction, but may explain it.

+1. You have no idea what was going on. I don’t see why you would want to do something to her that you felt was rude and hurtful?

Because I'm still hurt that they were so obvious about not GAF. Even if you are upset at experiencing secondary infertility, when you know that in a PP's words "someone gestating your nice/nephew and your child's cousin" is in the hospital at 30 weeks because of unexplained bleeding, how hard is it to send a text saying "I hope you feel better." But they weren't able to do that and then they weren't able to say congrats after DC2 was born. Ever. But what bothers me beyond the hurt is the lack of self-reflection. It feels hypocritical for them to have completely ignored the pregnancy/birth of my DC2 and then to have a weekly text update about their DC2. And they still seem to be mad at us for having a DC2, because they hearted the "congrats" text responses from all of the family members except for me and DH. I don't even know why we're on their text thread, since they seem mad at us for responding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like they may have been dealing with secondary infertility and couldn't handle your pregnancy with DC2. Doesn't excuse their reaction, but may explain it.

+1. You have no idea what was going on. I don’t see why you would want to do something to her that you felt was rude and hurtful?

Because I'm still hurt that they were so obvious about not GAF. Even if you are upset at experiencing secondary infertility, when you know that in a PP's words "someone gestating your nice/nephew and your child's cousin" is in the hospital at 30 weeks because of unexplained bleeding, how hard is it to send a text saying "I hope you feel better." But they weren't able to do that and then they weren't able to say congrats after DC2 was born. Ever. But what bothers me beyond the hurt is the lack of self-reflection. It feels hypocritical for them to have completely ignored the pregnancy/birth of my DC2 and then to have a weekly text update about their DC2. And they still seem to be mad at us for having a DC2, because they hearted the "congrats" text responses from all of the family members except for me and DH. I don't even know why we're on their text thread, since they seem mad at us for responding.

I'm the PP who said you should give her some grace. If you're texting back "congrats" then you're doing enough, and their weird response to that is not on you. Try not to let her get under your skin, and don't waste time wondering what her problem is. You're already the bigger person at this point, just do the bare minimum of "congrats" and "how nice" until the baby is here.