Lessons from our mothers -- what you'll take/what you'll leave
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Anonymous
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Let's get deep (most of us are anonymous on here so take the moment to spill the emotions): what are some of the parenting lessons you will take on from your mother, and what are some of the lessons you'll leave behind?
Take: the sense of love, raising daughters to be strong/independent, ability to get everything and anything done Leave: guilt, treating children like therapists |
Anonymous
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Take: Don’t stress the small stuff, don’t be meticulous about keeping your house clean - let life happen and don’t be an anal hausvrow freaking out over others’ messes.
Leave: anti-feminism |
Anonymous
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Take: Unconditional love that makes child confident: never any doubt that parent will back child up or provide a place to land.
Leave: Being such a martyr that I didn't even want kids because she made it look so hard. I hope DD learns from me that parenting is a joy. |
Anonymous
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I'm in a bad place with my mom right now and really struggling to come up with the "take" category. There is probably something, I just cannot access a memory of it right now.
Leave: martyring myself to motherhood so I can blame my kids for my own unhappiness, trying to turn my child into the mother I never had (OP, that's probably part of why your mom used you as a therapist, it's common), using shame/guilt to get my kids to suppress any inconvenient need or feeling, there are others but those are the main ones that come to mind right now. |
Anonymous
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Take: Be a humanitarian; stand up for what's right and be a voice for the less-privileged; experience different cultures; escape the US-centric lifestyle even if only briefly; take smart risks esp if they pay off big if they work; "catch more flies with honey than vinegar;" pretend you're in a foreign country the first 3 months of a new job.
Leave: Detached affect/parenting style; disinterest in obvious loving support; consistent willingness to put work and personal interests ahead of family, to great detriment of family; inability to be close with family members but no problem with strangers/online friends; uproot family several times for no clear, compelling reason; refuse to take accountability for serious screw-ups and problematic patterns that model poor decision-making; never saying sorry. |
Anonymous
| Keep the floors clean enough to eat off of. Because they will. |
Anonymous
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Take:
- Being financially independent - Cooking dinner on weekdays Leave: - Beatings for punishment |
Anonymous
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Take: making holidays genuinely magical for very small children, the entire outside world is your playground, always be willing to be the stranger who makes a life-changing difference for another person. Raising children to be confident and self sufficient.
Leave: the unrealistic expectations, the resentment of marrying outside her class and then having children raised in her husbands social class (UMC) who did not reflect her (WC) values. I’m |
Anonymous
The Leave section seems familiar - what is the diagnosis for someone with all this?? |
Anonymous
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Take: tell my highly anxious child that I felt the same way at their age, it gets better, and they arent alone (in fact anxiety runs in the family and isn't something to be ashamed of)
Leave: refusing to consider another school option for a miserable child because though affordable it won't be free |
Anonymous
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Take: never talk about food in an unhealthy way/never comment on a child’s weight or “problem” with their physical appearance.
Leave: yelling. So, so much yelling. |
Anonymous
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Take: the importance of family and education, self-sufficiency and working hard
Leave: marriage drama, rigid discipline, smoking |
Anonymous
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Take: Read everything, be nice to animals
Leave: Alcoholism, untreated anxiety |
Anonymous
You can't have the one without another - your takes and leaves are pretty much two sides of the same coin. If you take risks, there will be screw ups, otherwise those are not real risks. If you have a high tolerance for risks, there won't be apologies every time something goes wrong, that's just considered life. If you dedicate your life to people outside your family, your family gets less time with you. Etc, etc. It's much easier to be a child of boring conventional parents. |
Anonymous
I’m not the poster you quoted but I disagree with this. My work is the “take” of this post and we are extremely mindful that it not come wholly at the expense of my child. And even as a very risk tolerant person I do apologize if things don’t work out— what I don’t do is dwell on them or wallow in them. I think you’re probably right that it’s “easier” to be conventional but it’s by no means a given that the “takes” lead to the “leaves” if you’re being very conscious of them. |