Do you have rules around bed time for your college kids at home?

[Anonymous]

My freshman DS was home last evening (so not out with friends or anything). He worked all weekend (restaurant), including all day yesterday. Came home at 5, was clearly tired and was crabby at dinner. DH asked him to empty the DW before he went to bed.

DS woke me at 5AM when he came upstairs to go to bed. I never went back to sleep. Dishwasher didn't get emptied. I am furiously angry, but would be annoyed about 5AM bedtime even without those things, as I strongly believe that sleep is vital to mental health, plus he's just pissy when he doesn't get enough sleep. Unfortunately, his work schedule this month will not provide any real natural consequences, so I'm going to have to impose them. I'm not going to let him sleep all day.

What happens at your house?

[Anonymous]

I think it's ok, even healthy, to have some basic rules. I'll be trying to figure that out this summer with my new graduate. Asking your adult son to be considerate of your need to sleep is certainly not ridiculous and neither is expecting him to help out around the house.

[Anonymous]

The only thing I would be mad at is waking me up, because I’m a light sleeper. Otherwise he’s an adult. You can’t set bedtime rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's ok, even healthy, to have some basic rules. I'll be trying to figure that out this summer with my new graduate. Asking your adult son to be considerate of your need to sleep is certainly not ridiculous and neither is expecting him to help out around the house.

Ok, but a bedtime for a college student? Yeah, that’s ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Stop focusing on the bedtime and instead on the roommate behaviors:
—He didn’t empty the dishwasher. There’s a basic expectation that he will contribute to the maintenance of the household.
—He woke you up by moving around the house while others were sleeping. This was more than someone getting up in the middle of the night to pee. He can stay up to any hour; he just needs to be able to be silent when moving around the house between 11pm - 6:30am
—Basic kindness. It’s not okay to be crabby & rude to the people you live with. If there is something that is causing that behavior in your son, it’s up to him to regulate.

I’d have no problem vacuuming, playing music and hammering nails so I could hang pictures during the mid-morning hours. That’s a reasonable time to expect people are awake. He can adjust his sleep if that noise is interrupting his sleep.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. I have a high school senior and a college kid now home for summer. I don't care what time either of them go to bed, but they can't wake me or DH up - must be quiet, watch TV downstairs, no door slamming, etc.

We do have rules and things they need to do around the house when they are here and they need to tell me if they will be home for dinner, etc. But I am not micromanaging what time they go to sleep or what they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop focusing on the bedtime and instead on the roommate behaviors:
—He didn’t empty the dishwasher. There’s a basic expectation that he will contribute to the maintenance of the household.
—He woke you up by moving around the house while others were sleeping. This was more than someone getting up in the middle of the night to pee. He can stay up to any hour; he just needs to be able to be silent when moving around the house between 11pm - 6:30am
—Basic kindness. It’s not okay to be crabby & rude to the people you live with. If there is something that is causing that behavior in your son, it’s up to him to regulate.

I’d have no problem vacuuming, playing music and hammering nails so I could hang pictures during the mid-morning hours. That’s a reasonable time to expect people are awake. He can adjust his sleep if that noise is interrupting his sleep.

+1000

Thank you! My thoughts exactly too when I was reading OP.

[Anonymous]

It’s not bedtime rules (which would be wildly inappropriate) but sharing a home rules you need. Those are part of being adult and include not waking people up at 5, pitching in with chores like emptying a dishwasher (as well as keeping to yourself if you’re too crabby to be nice at dinner.) I’d focus on things like that and probably communicate via a note or text (when you’re not crabby yourself) rather than face to face. How do you think something like this Woolf go over? “we’re so glad to have you home for the summer! I’m such a light sleeper I’d really appreciate it if you could be extra quiet 11 pm-7am. Also, I was thinking so I didn’t not need to bug you we should have a schedule for the dishwasher-do you want to do it mwf or Tuesday Thursday Saturday?”

[Anonymous]

I have a college student who stays up into the wee hours often, and is usually gaming with a headset. I am a very light sleeper and every once in a while his gaming wakes me at 3:00 am or so, which yes, is very annoying. Usually I pick up my phone and text him to be quiet and that shames him into being more thoughtful. But if I told him that he had to stop gaming every night at 10:00 pm, that would be silly. Similarly, he does not complain when normal household noise wakens him earlier in the morning that he would like.

[Anonymous]

I agree with many of the responses above. It needs to be less about rules and more about an awareness of everyone else’s life and being conscientious towards everyone else. He’s just a freshman, so it may take a while, but he’ll eventually come around. At least that’s been my experience. The more rules you make, the less likely any of you will be happy with him living under your roof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's ok, even healthy, to have some basic rules. I'll be trying to figure that out this summer with my new graduate. Asking your adult son to be considerate of your need to sleep is certainly not ridiculous and neither is expecting him to help out around the house.

Ok, but a bedtime for a college student? Yeah, that’s ridiculous.

NP here. I have all those problems and concerns with a returned college student as well, staying up all night sleeping past noon. But I have to agree, OP is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

My mom who was a constant nag my whole life would let me sleep in when I came home from college. When I would come home for breaks, I would go out with my friends and get home late and sleep all day. I think she was just happy to have me home.

I hate to admit it but I’m also a nag. I can’t help it. I have to remind my kids a million times to do the smallest tasks. Then I say I will let them be and I can’t.

[Anonymous]

My kid needs to be a respectful, contributing member of the household. In other words, clean up after herself, help out when asked and able, don’t interfere with anyone else’s schedule. A 5am bedtime wouldn’t bother me but waking me up because of it would.

[Anonymous]

I think you reasonable posters are missing the point, which is that OP would be angry even without the dishwasher and being awakened. She thinks she should set a bedtime for her college kid for “mental health” reasons.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, the rule is don't wake anyone up, apologize later if you do. As far as a curfew, or this is unhealthy, you don't get to tell someone over 18 how sleeping works, even if they are in your house.