SIngle Mother and her toddler just moved in with me
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Anonymous
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Hello,
i have a friend that i have lived with as a roommate previously. when she was single and did not have a child. we lost touch for a few years after i sold the house we were living in. i reconnected with her in the beginning of the year. she was in a mentally and physically abusive relationship with a 1.5 year old son. the father is a piece of garbage, a drug user. arrested multiple times, a bunch of battery charges, no license, has a 6 year old daughter with another woman who left him. anyway, the point is, we started talking again, she was miserable and depressed. mentally and physically exhausted from being yelled at, threatened and having a very needy toddler attached to her hip. i was her only support system which she had to communicate with me in secret. she sent me nudes without me asking for them, asked for nudes of me. then she stopped communicating. she popped up in my texts randomly after 2 months of radio silence, she was hysterical she had just had her baby daddy arrested for being in her face and putting his hands on her. i rented a van, drove 4 hours each direction to go get her. she left him with nothing to her name expect her clothes. i was able to get a bigger apartment so she has her own room and bathroom before i got her. i have been taking care of her and her baby for about a month now. she is actively looking for a job, and getting the baby into daycare. she has had some traumatized moments which i have held her and told her everything will be ok, to get her to stop crying. i have constantly reassured her that she is a great mother and she will get on her feet and she will have the life she wants for her and her son. but for the most part she is cool, calm and collected. i love having her around, we get along so well, and the baby is very well behaved except for a few spoiled brat habits the were not her fault and can be easily corrected. her son is not a bother, i am even getting attached to him because i have wanted a family of my own for years. and he really is a good boy i guess my major question is, how do i win her over, or do i just need to give her time, since she was very emotionally and mentally drained. still dealing with the loser baby daddy telling her she is not single and that they will always be together. trying to guilt her for leaving. even though she wants nothing to do with him and he has no idea where she is. ( i am also not worried about him at all, he's 5'7" and 150lbs, i am 260 and 6'1") and he's spineless, he only know how to scare and pick on woman 4 months ago she was sending me nudes and we were having conversations about sex, her first week living with me she texted saying she wanted to make it clear that she is extremely grateful for what i am doing but doesn't want anything else. her actions and reactions to me say different. but i am uncertain i dont know what to do i am playing the daddy her kid needs and i am playing caregiver. which i am happy to do, she is a good girl. but i want more. the woman and family i always wanted is in my face and i cant have it. i can only pretend |
Anonymous
| Give it time. Take things slowly until she warms up to you. Did you guys use to date? |
Anonymous
| Oh man it's Cpt. Saveaho in the flesh. This is not a good situation, sir. |
Anonymous
| You come off as really creepy. Sorry. |
Anonymous
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You need therapy. She is in a bad situation, and you are trying to take advantage of her vulnerability to make her your girlfriend.
Stop. Give her space to heal, and when she's ready to move out on her own, let her. |
Anonymous
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More red flags than opening day for the Nationals.
PP about captain saveaho is rigjt. |
Anonymous
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Nope nope nope nope NOPE. This is a horrible idea.
I watched this exact scenario happen with my best friend. She was rescued from her abusive husband by a man who immediately jumped into the husband/daddy role. Soon after she got pregnant. And while I do believe the new guy had every intention of being a good partner and father figure, my friend had MASSIVE amounts of unresolved trauma that made her unable to function in a relationship. He couldn’t handle it and ended up bailing. Which just screwed up her life further, and it was yet more proof (in her mind) that men are untrustworthy, her kids were messed up even more from losing their second dad, and she now was stuck raising another baby solo. I love my friend dearly but she really thought that sex would be enough for this man to commit and financially support her and her kids. She even did the nudes thing, before she left her husband she was on dating apps and sending nudes out to every guy who threw some attention her way, I think in hopes one would rescue her. If you care about her at all, you need to put HER needs way, way, WAY above yours. Which means absolutely no sex, no romantic involvement, no playing dad to her child. You need to treat her exactly the same way you would a male buddy who left his abusive wife. If you can’t help her without expecting sex or a relationship, you need to help her maybe for another 30 days until she can find a job and childcare, and then move on. Also, im just gonna say - HUGE red flags that you keep mentioning sex/nudes, and you called her child a brat. You also sound abusive, and she may very well have jumped from the frying pan into the fire. Women do not owe you sex or a relationship just because you helped them, and you have zero right to parent her child. Do not attempt to parent this child and “correct” him (he’s 1.5yo FFS, do you even have kids?? Do you have any idea what is normal behavior or how to deal with a child who is traumatized from witnessing abuse?? No? Then STFU about her kid’s behavior). Do not attempt to start a relationship with this woman. What she needs is help, therapy, probably at least 2-3 years to heal, to rebuild her life. |
Anonymous
THIS. She needs help, not a creeper who wants to manipulate the situation for sex and an Instant Family. |
Anonymous
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She made it clear that she wants nothing else.
Give her time. Perhaps wait until after she has moved out. Otherwise, it would be awkward for both of you when she turns you down. For how long would you help a friend in need with housing if you were not sexually attracted to them? Figure that out and give her that deadline. If you don't put realistic deadlines to your current setup, you are going to get resentful and feel used even though she has made it clear that she is not looking for anything more at the moment. Please become another creep in her life. Draw your boundaries and set your expectations. |
Anonymous
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You need to wait a crazy long time. And if that sounds unappealing, you need to extricate yourself from this situation ASAP.
She needs therapy. She needs her own place to live. She needs a job. She needs daycare for her child. Once she has ALL FOUR of these for a solid SIX MONTHS you can approach her, as equals, and ask her on a date, if you are interested. Before that, it would be basically predatory. |
Anonymous
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Is everyone just going to gloss over the fact that she tried to manipulate him by sending nudes?
Either way, you are in a mess. I don't mean to sound heartless, but you need to get her out of your house as quickly as you can. IF she only wants friendship, you need to accept it and move on. IT won't be easy with her in the house while you get attached to her kid. |
Anonymous
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This whole post is full of red flags. The fact that OP said this speaks volumes about his character:
“4 months ago she was sending me nudes and we were having conversations about sex, her first week living with me she texted saying she wanted to make it clear that she is extremely grateful for what i am doing but doesn't want anything else. her actions and reactions to me say different. but i am uncertain” She doesn’t owe you sex. If you want to help her, help her find subsidized housing, daycare, etc. Or take her to a women’s shelter. She needs therapy and real support. Without strings attached. |
Anonymous
| This reads like some cuckold fantasy |
Anonymous
+1, but I’d say she needs all of that for at least a year, if not two. OP, it sounds like you don’t even really like her as a person, you just want her as a sex partner and someone to play the role of wife/mom. This is a bad situation for everyone, but especially for her child. |
Anonymous
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some of you people are really ignorant and stupid. there's nothing creepy about the situation. i am helping out a friend, and I'm starting to care about her as more than a friend, simple as that! Jesus Christ.
IF YOU DONT HAVE ANYTHING HELPFUL TO CONTRIBUTE THEN KEEP YOUR BULLSHIT OPINIONS TO YOURSELF! it blows my mind how stupid and ignorant so many people are. THIS IS NOT ABOUT SEX OR AND INSTANT FAMILY! God people are stupid!! this is a desperate girl who had nothing, she cry's on my shoulder when she has her moments, texts me all day long, always wants to know what I'm doing and when I'm coming home. wants to have dinner with me every night, wants to watch tv with me, and about 6 of her girlfriends come to see her a few times a week. they all know me well. we never dated before, i didnt start to have feelings for her until after she moved in. i dont hit on her, i dont make comments, i leave the room if she's breast feeding, she's giving me mixed signals I'm quietly trying to deal with my new feelings for her. and I'm not asking her for anything, I'm not giving her ultimatums. this is not about sex!. i want something real with this girl if there is an option. also, if she wants nothing but a friendship then thats fine. i am just trying to understand what she might want. i enjoy her company, her kid is great. she's just giving me mixed signals. she's getting a jog her kid will be in day care she will start paying rent in a month or so. she came to me with nothing. |