How to deal with ptsd related to infidelity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:#1 Stop calling it PTSD because you are minimalizing the experiences of those who truly have PTSD.

STFU!

+1. Repeatedly addressed and you’re incorrect. Recovering and clinically diagnosed C-PTSD patient.

Stop minimizing other people's pain and suffering. If you "truly" have PTSD I'm sure you would want to help anybody dealing with a similar situation. Stop trying to corner the market on pain and suffering.

Oh, come ON. It’s not like OP is a Yazidi refugee.

So, I was waiting for someone to say this (or something like it). I speak as someone who worked with severely traumatized women who were raped, held prisoner, had family members disappeared, witnessed mass killings, and other crimes against humanity and war crimes. The thing is that every single person who is a victim of trauma says what you are saying -- I often heard them say my brother disappeared but I am still alive, I lost my home and was expelled but my kids are still alive, I was raped but I didn't get pregnant, etc. Every traumatic experience can be topped by something else. And every victim of trauma is silenced and shamed by someone, sadly.

When you make this argument.... X was worse..... you are engaging in a form of minimization that denies the crime and the trauma.

It is well known that complex post traumatic stress can stem from a wide range of incidents -- family incest, domestic violence, car accidents, institutional betrayal, intra-familial betrayal, etc. Infidelity, particularly infidelity that happens repeatedly over time, where the victim is trapped in some way (as many married women with kids feel they are), and the perpetrator engages in other forms of emotional or verbal abuse such as gaslighting, criticism and financial control, etc.

I am a victim of such infidelity, and I say that even though I know many women who were kidnapped and raped as a consequence of war. We are all victims; the fact that the methods of misogyny vary doesn't diminish or eliminate our trauma.

Please read up on trauma. Two classic texts are Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score, and Judith Lewis Herman's "Trauma and Recovery: the Aftermath of Violence -- from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror". It was Herman's books that made me see the connection between my own experiences with domestic violence and my exDH's sexual abuse of me and how it related to the political violence experienced by the women I worked with.

Also, Jennifer Freyd has written a lot about betrayal trauma -- infidelity is one form of that. In general, trauma can arise when your normal expectations of how the world works and how or whether you are protected by institutions and people are broken.

Please stop engaging in judgment as if life is some kind of pain olympics and the only people who deserve any sympathy or support are the ones who have lost so much it's difficult to see how they can even be alive.

Thank you for this, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:#1 Stop calling it PTSD because you are minimalizing the experiences of those who truly have PTSD.

STFU!

+1. Repeatedly addressed and you’re incorrect. Recovering and clinically diagnosed C-PTSD patient.

Stop minimizing other people's pain and suffering. If you "truly" have PTSD I'm sure you would want to help anybody dealing with a similar situation. Stop trying to corner the market on pain and suffering.

Oh, come ON. It’s not like OP is a Yazidi refugee.

So, I was waiting for someone to say this (or something like it). I speak as someone who worked with severely traumatized women who were raped, held prisoner, had family members disappeared, witnessed mass killings, and other crimes against humanity and war crimes. The thing is that every single person who is a victim of trauma says what you are saying -- I often heard them say my brother disappeared but I am still alive, I lost my home and was expelled but my kids are still alive, I was raped but I didn't get pregnant, etc. Every traumatic experience can be topped by something else. And every victim of trauma is silenced and shamed by someone, sadly.

When you make this argument.... X was worse..... you are engaging in a form of minimization that denies the crime and the trauma.

It is well known that complex post traumatic stress can stem from a wide range of incidents -- family incest, domestic violence, car accidents, institutional betrayal, intra-familial betrayal, etc. Infidelity, particularly infidelity that happens repeatedly over time, where the victim is trapped in some way (as many married women with kids feel they are), and the perpetrator engages in other forms of emotional or verbal abuse such as gaslighting, criticism and financial control, etc.

I am a victim of such infidelity, and I say that even though I know many women who were kidnapped and raped as a consequence of war. We are all victims; the fact that the methods of misogyny vary doesn't diminish or eliminate our trauma.

Please read up on trauma. Two classic texts are Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score, and Judith Lewis Herman's "Trauma and Recovery: the Aftermath of Violence -- from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror". It was Herman's books that made me see the connection between my own experiences with domestic violence and my exDH's sexual abuse of me and how it related to the political violence experienced by the women I worked with.

Also, Jennifer Freyd has written a lot about betrayal trauma -- infidelity is one form of that. In general, trauma can arise when your normal expectations of how the world works and how or whether you are protected by institutions and people are broken.

Please stop engaging in judgment as if life is some kind of pain olympics and the only people who deserve any sympathy or support are the ones who have lost so much it's difficult to see how they can even be alive.

Thank you for this, PP.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And just to add to the above, please stop engaging in such pain olympics now in pandemic times. There are so many people who have lost loved ones to COVID, lost their jobs, their homes, their life savings or their businesses.

All those are traumatic experiences.

Maybe even they got very sick and recovered, they can still have PTSD from the lengthy hospitalization and isolation.

+1 And multiple traumatic events—the above PLUS finding out about a multi-year betrayal seriously compound the trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:#1 Stop calling it PTSD because you are minimalizing the experiences of those who truly have PTSD.

STFU!

+1. Repeatedly addressed and you’re incorrect. Recovering and clinically diagnosed C-PTSD patient.

Stop minimizing other people's pain and suffering. If you "truly" have PTSD I'm sure you would want to help anybody dealing with a similar situation. Stop trying to corner the market on pain and suffering.

Oh, come ON. It’s not like OP is a Yazidi refugee.

So, I was waiting for someone to say this (or something like it). I speak as someone who worked with severely traumatized women who were raped, held prisoner, had family members disappeared, witnessed mass killings, and other crimes against humanity and war crimes. The thing is that every single person who is a victim of trauma says what you are saying -- I often heard them say my brother disappeared but I am still alive, I lost my home and was expelled but my kids are still alive, I was raped but I didn't get pregnant, etc. Every traumatic experience can be topped by something else. And every victim of trauma is silenced and shamed by someone, sadly.

When you make this argument.... X was worse..... you are engaging in a form of minimization that denies the crime and the trauma.

It is well known that complex post traumatic stress can stem from a wide range of incidents -- family incest, domestic violence, car accidents, institutional betrayal, intra-familial betrayal, etc. Infidelity, particularly infidelity that happens repeatedly over time, where the victim is trapped in some way (as many married women with kids feel they are), and the perpetrator engages in other forms of emotional or verbal abuse such as gaslighting, criticism and financial control, etc.

I am a victim of such infidelity, and I say that even though I know many women who were kidnapped and raped as a consequence of war. We are all victims; the fact that the methods of misogyny vary doesn't diminish or eliminate our trauma.

Please read up on trauma. Two classic texts are Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score, and Judith Lewis Herman's "Trauma and Recovery: the Aftermath of Violence -- from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror". It was Herman's books that made me see the connection between my own experiences with domestic violence and my exDH's sexual abuse of me and how it related to the political violence experienced by the women I worked with.

Also, Jennifer Freyd has written a lot about betrayal trauma -- infidelity is one form of that. In general, trauma can arise when your normal expectations of how the world works and how or whether you are protected by institutions and people are broken.

Please stop engaging in judgment as if life is some kind of pain olympics and the only people who deserve any sympathy or support are the ones who have lost so much it's difficult to see how they can even be alive.

Thank you for this, PP.

+1

+2 And thank you for the vital work that you do. It takes a very special person to take on a profession in which she will be immersed in the suffering of others. God bless you. I hope you take care of yourself as well as you care for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DP. When I sought therapy after discovering my husband had a double life for 4.5 years, my therapist told me I was suffering all of the classic signs of PTSD and my treatment would be similar. He did say it was a “trauma” and it is treated through “trauma counseling”.

So, OP, I would find a good trauma therapist. You should also be in couples therapy.

Your husband’s behavior is concerning though. Mine never blamed me or refused to let me talk and ask questions as much as I wanted—and he answered them. He is still in his own individual therapy.

Good luck. It sounds like either he has a lot of shame and it hurts too much to go there or he doesn’t really have remorse. It should be his job to do anything to help you heal. If he’s not willing to do that, you will need to make some decisions.

He says he had a dark time and had a mental break. He is trying to move forward and feel like everything is ok and when I keep bringing up the affair it takes him back to a bad place. Idk.

OP, has he done anything to show remorse or make amends? If he won’t talk to you, then it doesn’t sound like it. The most traumatic part of my husbands betrayal was that after 25 years together, and having two elementary school age children at the time, he showed no remorse for his actions and really didn’t care about what finding out about the other woman did to me. He wanted me to feel sorry for him and he was angry that I didn’t see him as just as much a victim as I was, because he was going through a midlife crisis. He wanted to convince me that the other woman was a really good person. He was offended that I thought their relationship was a cliche, because she meant so much to him. He resented that I was still processing his betrayal and occasionally asking questions to find out the full extent of their relationship, because he didn’t want me holding it over him “for the rest of our lives.” We were only 2.5 months out from my finding out about his extramarital relationship and he hadn’t apologized. Obviously, our marital relationship ended.

Your husband’s affair was about him. Healing his marriage has to be about you. That doesn’t mean that you don’t have work to do in the healing process — but only he can repair what he broke.

[Anonymous]

“He says he had a dark time and had a mental break. He is trying to move forward and feel like everything is ok and when I keep bringing up the affair it takes him back to a bad place. Idk.”

That is fine, but it doesn’t excuse him of the work he needs to do. He has to deal with the pain he caused himself and you. He doesn’t get to say don’t make him face his pain, while extending yours.

If he doesn’t mature in his thinking/accountability maybe he should find an individual therapist that is a better fit. A bad therapist can make a bad situation worse. A good therapist is a gift from heaven, like fresh manna.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“He says he had a dark time and had a mental break. He is trying to move forward and feel like everything is ok and when I keep bringing up the affair it takes him back to a bad place. Idk.”

That is fine, but it doesn’t excuse him of the work he needs to do. He has to deal with the pain he caused himself and you. He doesn’t get to say don’t make him face his pain, while extending yours.

If he doesn’t mature in his thinking/accountability maybe he should find an individual therapist that is a better fit. A bad therapist can make a bad situation worse. A good therapist is a gift from heaven, like fresh manna.

Agree. There are a lot of bad therapists out there. And very few with any morality. So many loosely goosey polyamory ones these days.

The cheater has to want to change and want to do anything possible. He will answer any questions you have and not put you off...no matter how long that lasts. It takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair so he needs to get his shit together. Not facing his guilt/shame is unacceptable.

He is rug sweeping which will not change him. Yo letting him off the hook doesn’t help your future chances either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a trauma counselor. My bestie is one and there are an unbelievable number of women going thru this.

As my friend said, it's about 90% women.

What is very sad is that betrayed men in the same situation (and there are many) don't reach out and get therapy even if they divorce.

I am one of them. There are more cheating women than people realize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a trauma counselor. My bestie is one and there are an unbelievable number of women going thru this.

As my friend said, it's about 90% women.

What is very sad is that betrayed men in the same situation (and there are many) don't reach out and get therapy even if they divorce.

I am one of them. There are more cheating women than people realize.

I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a trauma counselor. My bestie is one and there are an unbelievable number of women going thru this.

As my friend said, it's about 90% women.

What is very sad is that betrayed men in the same situation (and there are many) don't reach out and get therapy even if they divorce.

I am one of them. There are more cheating women than people realize.

I’m so sorry.

+1 I hope you had/have a support network to help you heal. It seems like people expect men to cheat, so it’s more shocking when women do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need a trauma counselor. My bestie is one and there are an unbelievable number of women going thru this.

As my friend said, it's about 90% women.

What is very sad is that betrayed men in the same situation (and there are many) don't reach out and get therapy even if they divorce.

I am one of them. There are more cheating women than people realize.

I’m so sorry.

+1 I hope you had/have a support network to help you heal. It seems like people expect men to cheat, so it’s more shocking when women do.[/quote


+2. I hope you overcome this and find someone better, PP. I’m so sorry. Women who do this sow their own private hell. It doesn’t make it any easier to deal with the betrayal though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And just to add to the above, please stop engaging in such pain olympics now in pandemic times. There are so many people who have lost loved ones to COVID, lost their jobs, their homes, their life savings or their businesses.

All those are traumatic experiences.

Maybe even they got very sick and recovered, they can still have PTSD from the lengthy hospitalization and isolation.

+1 And multiple traumatic events—the above PLUS finding out about a multi-year betrayal seriously compound the trauma.

I recently found out about Dh’s multi year affair. There was j on be affair but so many deep betrayals. Unless you’ve experienced this you cannot know how damaging this is to your entire being. Several months later and I am a shell of a person. I can’t sleep, I can’t think clearly, I feel on the brink. I put everything into my family, my marriage and my kids, our financial well-being, etc. It was all a lie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And just to add to the above, please stop engaging in such pain olympics now in pandemic times. There are so many people who have lost loved ones to COVID, lost their jobs, their homes, their life savings or their businesses.

All those are traumatic experiences.

Maybe even they got very sick and recovered, they can still have PTSD from the lengthy hospitalization and isolation.

+1 And multiple traumatic events—the above PLUS finding out about a multi-year betrayal seriously compound the trauma.

I recently found out about Dh’s multi year affair. There was j on be affair but so many deep betrayals. Unless you’ve experienced this you cannot know how damaging this is to your entire being. Several months later and I am a shell of a person. I can’t sleep, I can’t think clearly, I feel on the brink. I put everything into my family, my marriage and my kids, our financial well-being, etc. It was all a lie

Almost a year for me and, yes, it’s been utter hell. Complete shock and disbelief—from someone I was with for 25 years. I know two women that were diagnosed with cancer a few years after discovery and there is evidence that severe stress like this can cause cancer and autoimmune issues. I had severe anxiety, flashbacks, racing thoughts and total lack of sleep. It’s debilitating. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me last year. We have decided to stay together. My husband wants to move on however I am struggling with random crying spells, inability to sleep and panic attacks.

How can I move forward?

Mine only went away when I left him and wasn’t constantly worrying about him cheating again.

How long before you trusted again? Are you committed now, and did you have therapy?

I assume from the post that she is not with him anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:#1 Stop calling it PTSD because you are minimalizing the experiences of those who truly have PTSD.

STFU!

+1. Repeatedly addressed and you’re incorrect. Recovering and clinically diagnosed C-PTSD patient.

Stop minimizing other people's pain and suffering. If you "truly" have PTSD I'm sure you would want to help anybody dealing with a similar situation. Stop trying to corner the market on pain and suffering.

Oh, come ON. It’s not like OP is a Yazidi refugee.

So, I was waiting for someone to say this (or something like it). I speak as someone who worked with severely traumatized women who were raped, held prisoner, had family members disappeared, witnessed mass killings, and other crimes against humanity and war crimes. The thing is that every single person who is a victim of trauma says what you are saying -- I often heard them say my brother disappeared but I am still alive, I lost my home and was expelled but my kids are still alive, I was raped but I didn't get pregnant, etc. Every traumatic experience can be topped by something else. And every victim of trauma is silenced and shamed by someone, sadly.

When you make this argument.... X was worse..... you are engaging in a form of minimization that denies the crime and the trauma.

It is well known that complex post traumatic stress can stem from a wide range of incidents -- family incest, domestic violence, car accidents, institutional betrayal, intra-familial betrayal, etc. Infidelity, particularly infidelity that happens repeatedly over time, where the victim is trapped in some way (as many married women with kids feel they are), and the perpetrator engages in other forms of emotional or verbal abuse such as gaslighting, criticism and financial control, etc.

I am a victim of such infidelity, and I say that even though I know many women who were kidnapped and raped as a consequence of war. We are all victims; the fact that the methods of misogyny vary doesn't diminish or eliminate our trauma.

Please read up on trauma. Two classic texts are Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score, and Judith Lewis Herman's "Trauma and Recovery: the Aftermath of Violence -- from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror". It was Herman's books that made me see the connection between my own experiences with domestic violence and my exDH's sexual abuse of me and how it related to the political violence experienced by the women I worked with.

Also, Jennifer Freyd has written a lot about betrayal trauma -- infidelity is one form of that. In general, trauma can arise when your normal expectations of how the world works and how or whether you are protected by institutions and people are broken.

Please stop engaging in judgment as if life is some kind of pain olympics and the only people who deserve any sympathy or support are the ones who have lost so much it's difficult to see how they can even be alive.

💯💯💯💯💯