Why are men surprised a change in responsibility may lead to change in sex?

[Anonymous]

We try to have sex a couple times per week at least. If I'm not in the mood, I offer a BJ instead. Everyone is happy.

It isn't that much time or effort at all and if it makes my DH happy, I'm happy about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amen, sister!

If I had one piece of advice to my younger self, it would be too extensively try out early on anyone who I was interested in dating - can they cook? do they clean their own house, can they plan and carry out activities that are thoughtful of others? do they prioritize my needs over theirs at least half the time?

Marriage is only partially about falling in love with someone; it is also about finding an equal partner in life.

+1000

This. Also don't marry a guy who was raised by a SAHM who never had a career. They expect the same even though the wife works FT.

NP, yup. Living this now. It's a "joke" in the family that my MIL does every little thing for FIL (and did so for their 4 kids). FIL can't/won't even make himself coffee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I was a DH who used to turn down quickies. It wasn't so much that I wanted a super special performance, it was more that I felt like it was pity and a sign that she'd prefer not to do it at all. On bad days, that felt rapey. On good days, it felt like an overly complicated version of masturbation. I was resentful that even the person who theoretically loved me best in the world found me so off-putting that she didn't even want to have sex with me. Intellectually, I knew things were a lot more nuanced than that. But these were the feelings I was having when I turned her down.

Did you then complain how you never got any? Did you threaten open marriage if her sexual prowess did not meet your very particular standards?

Haha, nope. I told her how quickies of the "don't worry about her" variety made me feel. (Also, not liking "just get it over with" isn't a "very particular standard." But I find declare open marriage guy annoying too.)

New poster here who could have written word for word what PP wrote including how quickies were demoralizing. Honestly, I don't see a way out at this point and after more than a decade of my wife feeling that sex was a chore I have zero desire for her even though she is attractive. It's not worth divorcing over at this point but a lifetime of pity sex is an awful thought and I get the idea of divorce when kids leave for college.

And I also find the open marriage guy annoying. Cheat, divorce, who cares but declaration of open marriage is a cartoon version of what life is like

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We try to have sex a couple times per week at least. If I'm not in the mood, I offer a BJ instead. Everyone is happy.

It isn't that much time or effort at all and if it makes my DH happy, I'm happy about that.

You betray the sisterhood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We try to have sex a couple times per week at least. If I'm not in the mood, I offer a BJ instead. Everyone is happy.

It isn't that much time or effort at all and if it makes my DH happy, I'm happy about that.

You betray the sisterhood

Wait, a BJ isn't that much effort? The way my wife complains about her jaw aching in justification of this being once a year or less occasion, I figured it was the physical equivalent of running a marathon (which she does more frequently than give me a BJ.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We try to have sex a couple times per week at least. If I'm not in the mood, I offer a BJ instead. Everyone is happy.

It isn't that much time or effort at all and if it makes my DH happy, I'm happy about that.

You betray the sisterhood

Wait, a BJ isn't that much effort? The way my wife complains about her jaw aching in justification of this being once a year or less occasion, I figured it was the physical equivalent of running a marathon (which she does more frequently than give me a BJ.)

Some wives have to open their mouths wider than others

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We try to have sex a couple times per week at least. If I'm not in the mood, I offer a BJ instead. Everyone is happy.

It isn't that much time or effort at all and if it makes my DH happy, I'm happy about that.

You betray the sisterhood

Wait, a BJ isn't that much effort? The way my wife complains about her jaw aching in justification of this being once a year or less occasion, I figured it was the physical equivalent of running a marathon (which she does more frequently than give me a BJ.)

It is some combination of you aren't worth her effort and/or you have not set the right expectations in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We try to have sex a couple times per week at least. If I'm not in the mood, I offer a BJ instead. Everyone is happy.

It isn't that much time or effort at all and if it makes my DH happy, I'm happy about that.

You betray the sisterhood

Wait, a BJ isn't that much effort? The way my wife complains about her jaw aching in justification of this being once a year or less occasion, I figured it was the physical equivalent of running a marathon (which she does more frequently than give me a BJ.)

If you learn to do it right, should not last more than 5 minutes.

By the time I decide what to make to breakfast and lunch, DH would be done. Rarely do does he make it to dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Amen, sister!

If I had one piece of advice to my younger self, it would be too extensively try out early on anyone who I was interested in dating - can they cook? do they clean their own house, can they plan and carry out activities that are thoughtful of others? do they prioritize my needs over theirs at least half the time?

Marriage is only partially about falling in love with someone; it is also about finding an equal partner in life.

+1000

This. Also don't marry a guy who was raised by a SAHM who never had a career. They expect the same even though the wife works FT.

Im still dating, but this is something I look at. Don’t want a guy who had a SAHM (or divorced parents) unless he’s amazing as an exception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We try to have sex a couple times per week at least. If I'm not in the mood, I offer a BJ instead. Everyone is happy.

It isn't that much time or effort at all and if it makes my DH happy, I'm happy about that.

You betray the sisterhood

Wait, a BJ isn't that much effort? The way my wife complains about her jaw aching in justification of this being once a year or less occasion, I figured it was the physical equivalent of running a marathon (which she does more frequently than give me a BJ.)

If you learn to do it right, should not last more than 5 minutes.

By the time I decide what to make to breakfast and lunch, DH would be done. Rarely do does he make it to dinner.

Wait, wait, wait . . . you COOK TOO!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We try to have sex a couple times per week at least. If I'm not in the mood, I offer a BJ instead. Everyone is happy.

It isn't that much time or effort at all and if it makes my DH happy, I'm happy about that.

I am amazed why a lot of wives don’t have this attitude.
With this Kind of attitude we can even get to world peace.

[Anonymous]

Thank God for my FWB...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We try to have sex a couple times per week at least. If I'm not in the mood, I offer a BJ instead. Everyone is happy.

It isn't that much time or effort at all and if it makes my DH happy, I'm happy about that.

You betray the sisterhood

Wait, a BJ isn't that much effort? The way my wife complains about her jaw aching in justification of this being once a year or less occasion, I figured it was the physical equivalent of running a marathon (which she does more frequently than give me a BJ.)

You take too long and that’s not a compliment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We try to have sex a couple times per week at least. If I'm not in the mood, I offer a BJ instead. Everyone is happy.

It isn't that much time or effort at all and if it makes my DH happy, I'm happy about that.

I am amazed why a lot of wives don’t have this attitude.
With this Kind of attitude we can even get to world peace.

Same reason you don’t go down without reciprocation.

Most women want sex just not bad sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every day it is a different man wanting the same level of sex and intamacy and energy out of their wives that they had while dating.
Yet no one realizes that she does not have the same work load, burden, etc that she did while dating.
I haven't had 8 hours of sleep in almost 8 years. First it was babies not sleeping through the night. Then it was DH gaining weight and developing snoring (refusing to do anything until recently), then it was a work promotion and working longer hours etc.
I haven't had a day to myself in over a year due to kids, DH working from home and inlaw visits.
I have to cook or find food for 5 people daily, even if it is cereal or a sandwhich a 2 year old can't do that himself.
I have to do laundry for myself and 3-4 others routinely (DH hates laundry and will ask me to do his too at least 1x a month)
I have to buy more birthday gifts and send cards then I care to (and we have cut back) but with kids in school and friends/family it all adds up.

These are just a few things that deplete my energy and wanting to have sex. We do have sex right now 1-2 times per week but any more than that I just don't have any more to give.
Now, if I had my own place again, only cooked for myself, did laundry for myself, slept in until 9 on the weekends, where a day off of work was all about ME. Then hell ya. I would have a ton more energy to throw at a guy or a husband or whoeever but you know what? That is not what marriage and having a family is. I am sick of the woman always getting blamed for not being willing to light herself on fire to keep others warm without 1 bit of empathy from the men on this thread about all that the woman in their life does to keep it going.

Male here. This post has a lot of wisdom packed in it.

This also shows a way to get to married women. To me easiest pickings are married women with very young children, on a business trip, ideally a professional conference/company event, where they are not making any presentations and do not have a deliverable that is due.

Most of the women that I had success with often just started going on business trips again after their children are born. I especially remember one lady, very shy and pretty conservative in that she seemed to talk mostly to women and hardly ever interacted socially with men in that conference. I had to pursue her like crazy, no success for 3 days until the last night of the conference. She genuinely loved her husband and would not open her eyes until she can no longer hold. Very sweet lady.

Dont flame me. I am not going to read this thread.