Advice to younger women to marry wisely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Find a friend with excellent gaydar and run your boy by them. Even in this day and age, closeted gay men marry women who are apparently unaware. Personally know of 3 divorces in this category so there must be lots more of this situation.

There are a bunch of these marriages in our circle—gay men married to straight women. I’m not sure if some know. Some it’s so obvious.

+1

If it is obvious to outsiders (it usually is) - I think the women know, but the men either don't know, or don't care that outsiders can tell (from a mile away).

Did you see the Will & Grace about Grace's niece that is going to marry a man that Will and Grace both think is gay and try to tell the niece not to marry him? It turns out that he is bi, the young woman is totally fine with that, and they both think Will & Grace are very old-fashioned for having such cabined views of sexuality. It was an interesting show, and I think it does sort of represent a generational shift. For those of us over 40, the c.w. was that bi men all ended up with men, and that bi women all ended up with men. I don't know that's true anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes — it comes in the 50s. Our relationship was happy for 25 years but issues arose in early50s with dh. Still married.

ITA, late 40s/50s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No substance abuse
Wants to be employed
Good sense of humor
Good follow through - calls when promised, helps others when committed to doing so

At first sight this seems small, but it is an excellent filter.

I agree totally. This is the sleeper advice. Covers so many bases.

Yes. This is the best advice. I would add physical attraction. I think you need to like hour partner’s smell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go slow. Don’t marry right away. You need time to pass in order to reveal any personality disorders. They can hide them for short periods of time.

Unfortunately some can hide them for long periods of time. And others crack up and develop them later in life, like in their forties when they first encounter adversity. But yes, don't marry right away. Take your time.

When I got married, we didn't even have the term "personality disorders." So now this generation is wiser. Just observe. Is this someone whose character you admire?

Character is key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PPs have mentioned the obvious red flags.

I look around people that I know, both socially and from work. There are a lot of good men out there, but the best husbands are those that are hard working and have a more laid back personality. They may not be the most physically attractive, but a chill, funny man will outlast anyone who does not have that quality.

Pay close attention to his personality. Is he generally very defensive to any negative feedback? Does he always see the glass as half empty? Can he shrug off setbacks in life and pick himself up?

I second all of this.

I would also advise avoiding a man who is petty and/or snide when annoyed. It doesn't wear well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wait until you are older before getting married. have your education, have a job and a way to support yourself

I would suggest instead to get married in grad school. You'll never again have such a good pool of eligible potential mates, and it's easier to grow wealth together.

Hahah, I got a grad degree in fine arts. If I had married someone in my class he would be 1. Gay and 2. Dirt poor. Keep the advice comin’

Well, it was probably more directed at all the lawyers on here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No substance abuse
Wants to be employed
Good sense of humor
Good follow through - calls when promised, helps others when committed to doing so

At first sight this seems small, but it is an excellent filter.

I agree totally. This is the sleeper advice. Covers so many bases.

Yes. This is the best advice. I would add physical attraction. I think you need to like hour partner’s smell.

Yes to all of these.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:-good communication skills, particularly good at listening and able to take (constructive) criticism
-emotional intelligence, empathy
-independence (if mom and dad are still buying all his clothes and groceries at 28, be wary)
-pay attention to how he treats waitstaff, homeless on the street
-go on a few vacations together that require flights, car rentals, language barriers (see how he handles stress, being out of his comfort zone)
-be wary of a man who can’t get up in the morning
-recreational drugs are embarrassing after college
-make sure he’s aware of the VALUE of things, not just the cost
-discuss feelings about being a SAHM, hiring cleaning/landscaping help (90% of men will revert for preferring what they grew up with)

That’s a pretty good list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No substance abuse
Wants to be employed
Good sense of humor
Good follow through - calls when promised, helps others when committed to doing so

At first sight this seems small, but it is an excellent filter.

I agree totally. This is the sleeper advice. Covers so many bases.

Yes. This is the best advice. I would add physical attraction. I think you need to like hour partner’s smell.

Yes to all of these.

I think a key point PP makes here is WANTS to be employed, vs simply is employed. The wants is a sign of work ethic, personal responsibility, engagement. Whether he’s rich or poor, don’t marry lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious - when people share horror stories of what type of men NOT to marry, when did you start seeing these issues? I am 37 and all but one of our friends has gotten divorced. Most of my friends seem to be in happy marriages. Is it coming later?

Yes. Later. Late 40s/50

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree that if their father cheated they will cheat no matter what

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just curious - when people share horror stories of what type of men NOT to marry, when did you start seeing these issues? I am 37 and all but one of our friends has gotten divorced. Most of my friends seem to be in happy marriages. Is it coming later?

Yes. Later. Late 40s/50

The dam breaks later but the signs are often there sooner to an observant eye

[Anonymous]

I wish I took a closer look at stable, emotionally mature guys. The ones that laughed at my jokes but did not lose their shit under stress, the ones who did not care how we look on the outside or whether I am cool enough. I wanted an adventurous guy but got an emotionally abusive husband.

[Anonymous]

Don’t get blindsided by mental illnesses like aspergers or unmanaged ADHD. Ask about that and family health history in ore marital counseling (which should be more than one weekend and get all your questions and scenarios answered).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wait until you are older before getting married. have your education, have a job and a way to support yourself

I would suggest instead to get married in grad school. You'll never again have such a good pool of eligible potential mates, and it's easier to grow wealth together.

Hahah, I got a grad degree in fine arts. If I had married someone in my class he would be 1. Gay and 2. Dirt poor. Keep the advice comin’

Well, it was probably more directed at all the lawyers on here

I remember a good friend looking a the "facebook" for my incoming law school class and saying "Gee, not a lot of lookers in this group, huh?" Sadly, there were also not a lot of guys who were laid-back with a good sense of humor (PP's sound advice). So I don't particularly suggest going husband hunting in law school--pickings are slim.