Tips for dating divorced dads? How to interact with their kids or their mom if you meet them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a stepchild, I actually think OP has a really healthy attitude. My stepmother joined the family when I was a young teen and went on a rampage "fixing" everything that was wrong about our living style, all the while insisting that we were one happy family and had to be so happy with all the happiness.

That sucked.

OP seems very realistic and clear-eyed, as well as empathetic to the kids. That is a really excellent way to be starting out as a stepmother.

With respect to the house, though -- I think the main concern here is that this guy and his kids would end up putting all the work on OP. While OP is right to be sensitive about changing the house, doing basic hygeine and repairs, and maybe adding some nicer furniture here and there, is hardly that intrusive or disruptive. But my concern would be whether the kids and their dad actually pitch in to maintain a basic level of cleanliness.

With respect to the kids -- I don't think it's realistic for OP to avoid contact with the kids, but I think it's great to take it slowly. While it's OK not to be their best friend, I do think you at least need to be able to have some positive interactions with them, and see how their dad relates to them. They are a huge part of his life, so if you're not part of that at all, you're missing a big part of him.

I think people also have very different ideas of stepmoms versus stepdads. I, like the OP, am not into kids. It's very easy to take a hands-off approach if you want to. Don't have to go to their games or whatever. If OP sees herself as just this guy's partner, then that is her perogative. She can be cordial and respectful to the teens, but she doesn't have to cook their meals or do their laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a stepchild, I actually think OP has a really healthy attitude. My stepmother joined the family when I was a young teen and went on a rampage "fixing" everything that was wrong about our living style, all the while insisting that we were one happy family and had to be so happy with all the happiness.

That sucked.

OP seems very realistic and clear-eyed, as well as empathetic to the kids. That is a really excellent way to be starting out as a stepmother.

With respect to the house, though -- I think the main concern here is that this guy and his kids would end up putting all the work on OP. While OP is right to be sensitive about changing the house, doing basic hygeine and repairs, and maybe adding some nicer furniture here and there, is hardly that intrusive or disruptive. But my concern would be whether the kids and their dad actually pitch in to maintain a basic level of cleanliness.

With respect to the kids -- I don't think it's realistic for OP to avoid contact with the kids, but I think it's great to take it slowly. While it's OK not to be their best friend, I do think you at least need to be able to have some positive interactions with them, and see how their dad relates to them. They are a huge part of his life, so if you're not part of that at all, you're missing a big part of him.

I think people also have very different ideas of stepmoms versus stepdads. I, like the OP, am not into kids. It's very easy to take a hands-off approach if you want to. Don't have to go to their games or whatever. If OP sees herself as just this guy's partner, then that is her perogative. She can be cordial and respectful to the teens, but she doesn't have to cook their meals or do their laundry.

What people are saying is that this is bad for the kids. Which you clearly don't care about, but the dad SHOULD.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I wouldn't say I'm not into kids. More that the "dad's girlfriend" or "stepmom" role looks very difficult to do well and I'm looking for perspectives on do's and don'ts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Ugh I agree I think junior high age is the worst age. High school - not really a huge deal because I feel we could just date for a few years and then wait to live together until they are off at college. If they were littler, maybe we'd bond better. But the idea of waiting to live together for full time is hard. And I agree I feel like kids who've gone through divorce etc ideally should not also have to deal with having to adjust to having their dad's new wife living with them and wanting to change things around the house. But then all those people who said the pool of normal men in their forties without kids is small? They are right. Maybe if I don't keep dating this guy, I will try to date guys whose kids are at least juniors in high school.

Sigh. He's nice though. He's really sweet to me. And he pays lots of attention to me. He sees me every night he doesn't have custody and he calls me every day he does not see me.

OP, make sure you really, truly grasp what it's like to be a parent or step-parent. It's FOREVER. It's not like they go off to college and that's the end. How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer? What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while? What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet? God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling (which has to be coordinated with his ex, of course) will require complicated coordination of multiple households for as long as the grandkids are young. If this is the way you want to live, great. Enjoy it! But if you're going to be one of those second wives who pouts and says "I didn't sign up for this", that makes it much, much worse for everyone. If you like things to be simple and straightforward, if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you. Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family.

Considering that most marriages aren't "forever" these days, all this seems a little extreme.

I am a single dad, and my answers to these questions are:

"How do you feel about living with teenagers every school break and during the summer?" [Why is that hard? They don't want to hang around the parents anyway, they'll want to spend most of their time out with their friends. If they come home for summer during college, they're damn well going to have jobs or internships. That'll keep 'em out of my hair. At that point they should be mature enough not to cause any problems for their step-mom anyway.]

"What if they have a medical issue or leave school and want to live at home for a while?" [A medical issue is one thing, but if they leave school they are not moving home with me. Not happening. They can get jobs and get their own place, or move into a group house. This would be clearly explained to them before they decided to leave school.]

"What if they have kids, get divorced, and need to move in with their toddlers into their dad's home while they get on their feet?" [Not fvcking happening. Sorry, kids. You're all grown up now, you can solve your own problems.]

"God willing, he'll have multiple sets of grandkids and holiday scheduling" [So? The OP doesn't have kids, but if she did, she would have to deal with "multiple grandkid scheduling" anyway. In any event, as these are my grandkids, not hers, I'll handle all that scheduling and coordinate with my XW where we'll spend the holidays. Nothing for my new wife or partner to think about or do on that front.]

"if you like to have a lot of control over your home and your schedule, then step-parenting is not going to be easy for you." [If you want that much control, you shouldn't marry or live with a man who does not have kids, either.]

" Because these examples of kids moving back home or difficult holidays are EXACTLY what you sign up for when you CHOOSE to marry into a divorced family." [Again: these are my kids, they are my problem, my wife or partner won't have to worry about it at all.]

Your answers sound good, they really do. However, as a stepmother, they are not realistic. A blended family does not exist in a vaccum. Even if a step parent does not have to "deal" with scheduling or "worry" about your kids it has an effect on the household as a whole. For example, my husband and his ex split every holiday. My family lives out of state. As a result, I ended up giving up every holiday with my family so I did not disrupt the holiday schedule for my stepkids. Even though I did not have to manage the schedule, it definitely had an effect on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm in the process of trying to assess how competent he is. For traditional male things, he seems pretty competent. I think he's kind of a guy who just doesn't care too much about his surroundings. His bathrooms and kitchens are clean. But his ex took most of the furniture when she moved out and he replaced it with - I don't even know where he got it but it's all mostly used.

Do you have any idea how much it costs to furnish a house? Especially with new furniture? Do you have any idea what a stupid waste of money it is to buy new, expensive furniture for a house with kids in it? Do you have any idea what else he has to spend money on?

Sounds to me like he made a perfectly sensible utilitarian choice: affordable used furniture that he doesn't have to care if the kids mess it up.

If you need to live in a house with immaculate brand-new furniture, this is not the man for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or perhaps she is into superficial things and he isn't, maybe because he is spending his discretionary income on things for kids and college funds.

I am a divorced parent (mom). You would probably describe my house as "college group house". We don't have super nice furniture. I am not focusing on our room decor to the point of making our house look like Pottery Barn with candles on the coffee table. But, I am paying for my kids college education from savings in full without loans. I pay for their very expensive extra curricular sports. We have iPads and laptops and have gone on vacation overseas. How my house looks is not a priority. Whether my house is spotless is less a priority than whether I spend time with my kids and "get" them.

I am a divorced dad and I say, ditto, same here, exactly right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm in the process of trying to assess how competent he is. For traditional male things, he seems pretty competent. I think he's kind of a guy who just doesn't care too much about his surroundings. His bathrooms and kitchens are clean. But his ex took most of the furniture when she moved out and he replaced it with - I don't even know where he got it but it's all mostly used.

Do you have any idea how much it costs to furnish a house? Especially with new furniture? Do you have any idea what a stupid waste of money it is to buy new, expensive furniture for a house with kids in it? Do you have any idea what else he has to spend money on?

Sounds to me like he made a perfectly sensible utilitarian choice: affordable used furniture that he doesn't have to care if the kids mess it up.

If you need to live in a house with immaculate brand-new furniture, this is not the man for you.

I'm the pp grown up stepkid and I disagree with this. I think the stupidest concern that has been raised here is that everyone will resent you if you show up with a new couch. No one will care about that at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean I get that it is difficult to move kids. But it happens. No alternative is viable in my mind for OP and this guy making it. Which is fine, dump him if all the possibilities are bad. But you can't shadow a family for 5 years with no negative consequences.

No. I don't accept this notion that the existing house has bad karma or something, and the spirit of the ex wife will prevent the OP from living happily in it.

[Anonymous]

NP here- I have not read whole thread but my advice is:

(1). Lower your expectations - on all fronts - blended families are tough and don’t expect the kids to warm up to you immediately - it could take years - so just expect the least

(2) don’t try to compete with the mom - don’t insist the kids ever call you mom/ etc (I have seen this happen)

(3) know the kids will always come first for the man you are dating if he is a dad

(4) what do you want? If you want your own kids, discuss this early

(5) this is not an easy path! There are a lot of people to fall in love with

(6) so do you have a sense of humor? This is essential to get through blended dating /family

That said, I am in blended situation as we are all happy now but the first few years can be TOUGH. You have to really, rally love the man to want to make this work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean I get that it is difficult to move kids. But it happens. No alternative is viable in my mind for OP and this guy making it. Which is fine, dump him if all the possibilities are bad. But you can't shadow a family for 5 years with no negative consequences.

No. I don't accept this notion that the existing house has bad karma or something, and the spirit of the ex wife will prevent the OP from living happily in it.

I dunno, I wouldn't love it. And I'm a very positive person about blended families if effort is put in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
With respect to the house, though -- I think the main concern here is that this guy and his kids would end up putting all the work on OP. While OP is right to be sensitive about changing the house, doing basic hygeine and repairs, and maybe adding some nicer furniture here and there, is hardly that intrusive or disruptive. But my concern would be whether the kids and their dad actually pitch in to maintain a basic level of cleanliness.

The issue is who gets to decide what that "basic level" is. It is not axiomatic that the woman should be the decider. And if she wants it cleaner than they do... then she should not complain if she is required to do the work to make it so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I'm in the process of trying to assess how competent he is. For traditional male things, he seems pretty competent. I think he's kind of a guy who just doesn't care too much about his surroundings. His bathrooms and kitchens are clean. But his ex took most of the furniture when she moved out and he replaced it with - I don't even know where he got it but it's all mostly used.

Do you have any idea how much it costs to furnish a house? Especially with new furniture? Do you have any idea what a stupid waste of money it is to buy new, expensive furniture for a house with kids in it? Do you have any idea what else he has to spend money on?

Sounds to me like he made a perfectly sensible utilitarian choice: affordable used furniture that he doesn't have to care if the kids mess it up.

If you need to live in a house with immaculate brand-new furniture, this is not the man for you.

I'm the pp grown up stepkid and I disagree with this. I think the stupidest concern that has been raised here is that everyone will resent you if you show up with a new couch. No one will care about that at all.

On the other hand, she better not cry when the kids drip chocolate ice cream on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are teenage boys. Do teenage boys really care about having a relationship with or getting attention from a middle aged woman who did not know them before?

Teenage boys want a relationship with their father. If their father takes up with a woman who has no interest in knowing them in a meaningful way, that threatens the relationship with their father. Whether or not teenage boys can articulate it at the time, what they will likely want in the long run is to not feel like strangers in their dad's home and to be meaningfully incorporated into his intimate life, because that how kids should be (not INTIMATE but you know what I mean, inner circle).

So if this middle aged woman is going to be their father's lifetime companion, someone who their child might one day think of as a grandparent or grandparent like figure, then the good thing for that kid is to try to have a warm, friendly, trusting relationship with that woman. Doesn't have to be a mother-son operation, doesn't have to be best friends. But it needs to be more than, 'that lady my dad has over when we're at our moms who seems to not talk to us much'

Teenage boys are going to be much more concerned about a step-dad (aka "that fscking a-hole who lives with my mom and tries to tell me what to do even though he's not my dad") than they are about a step-mom.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Interesting comment above about teenage sons being more bothered by a stepdad. I wonder if - speaking generally - same gender relationships are tougher. Like is it harder for step moms and stepdaughters to get along than stepmom and step sons? I generally think men probably have it easier being a stepparent than women, tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are teenage boys. Do teenage boys really care about having a relationship with or getting attention from a middle aged woman who did not know them before?

Teenage boys want a relationship with their father. If their father takes up with a woman who has no interest in knowing them in a meaningful way, that threatens the relationship with their father. Whether or not teenage boys can articulate it at the time, what they will likely want in the long run is to not feel like strangers in their dad's home and to be meaningfully incorporated into his intimate life, because that how kids should be (not INTIMATE but you know what I mean, inner circle).

So if this middle aged woman is going to be their father's lifetime companion, someone who their child might one day think of as a grandparent or grandparent like figure, then the good thing for that kid is to try to have a warm, friendly, trusting relationship with that woman. Doesn't have to be a mother-son operation, doesn't have to be best friends. But it needs to be more than, 'that lady my dad has over when we're at our moms who seems to not talk to us much'

Teenage boys are going to be much more concerned about a step-dad (aka "that fscking a-hole who lives with my mom and tries to tell me what to do even though he's not my dad") than they are about a step-mom.

All of you people are thinking short term. The reality is that sometimes men remarry and get pulled away from their existing kids and family. Moms may remarry but are less likely to drift from their first marriages children.

It's the mid life version of "A son is a son ‘til he takes a wife. A daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life."

A person considering becoming a stepmother at any point in the kids life has to understand this possibility and dynamic and try not to contribute to it.