Neighborhood mom upset her daughter was not invited to birthday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is free to have whatever type of party she wants for her DD, though I suspect it's more for her than her DD. Whatever. That's their decision.

But, a) OP seems overly wrapped up in how fancy the party was, how exclusive, how much she spent, etc. I guarantee this spilled down to her DD and the party was flaunted in the excluded girl's face.

and b) it was absolutely bitchy to not invite the 4th girl. You had no obligation to, but that's not what we are talking about. Put yourself - or your daughter- in her shoes. These are kids that are her friends, they play together regularly, and she is fairly new and so probably desperate for a "tribe" of her own. She probably thought she had it. And it was likely a slap in the face to not only not be invited, but to realized that the people you thought were good friends don't feel the same about you.

It's wrong of the mom to publicly complain about it. But, you kind of could see this going down. You excluded her kid. You did. You had that right, but you did. I'd be pissed too, but I wouldn't publicly say so. I'd manage my DD's feelings and we'd move on. But, I'd think less of you going forward.

Sounds like the birthday girl has lots of friends. Surely more than 2 or 3 from soccer or whatever sport she's in and more than 2 or 3 from school So I'm sure other girls got "excluded." But the other parents weren't whiny. You can't invite everyone, the little girl's mom that complained about it is socially inept.

This is not just "not getting invited." This is her regular group of neighborhood friends. She invited all but one. That's shitty. Regardless of how popular she is and how many other friends she could have invited. She lives near these people. She's now fouled her own nest.

Fouled her own best? I think you are being a bit dramatic. I’m sure the birthday girl will be fine. The point is that not all can be invited and there is a difference in the friendship. The birthday girl chose her long time friends. My daughter always has a hard time narrowing her guest list, but she usually chooses he closest friends even if at school their group may include one or two other friends. We have a budget and we set the number of kids. My daughter chooses the actual kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is free to have whatever type of party she wants for her DD, though I suspect it's more for her than her DD. Whatever. That's their decision.

But, a) OP seems overly wrapped up in how fancy the party was, how exclusive, how much she spent, etc. I guarantee this spilled down to her DD and the party was flaunted in the excluded girl's face.

and b) it was absolutely bitchy to not invite the 4th girl. You had no obligation to, but that's not what we are talking about. Put yourself - or your daughter- in her shoes. These are kids that are her friends, they play together regularly, and she is fairly new and so probably desperate for a "tribe" of her own. She probably thought she had it. And it was likely a slap in the face to not only not be invited, but to realized that the people you thought were good friends don't feel the same about you.

It's wrong of the mom to publicly complain about it. But, you kind of could see this going down. You excluded her kid. You did. You had that right, but you did. I'd be pissed too, but I wouldn't publicly say so. I'd manage my DD's feelings and we'd move on. But, I'd think less of you going forward.

Sounds like the birthday girl has lots of friends. Surely more than 2 or 3 from soccer or whatever sport she's in and more than 2 or 3 from school So I'm sure other girls got "excluded." But the other parents weren't whiny. You can't invite everyone, the little girl's mom that complained about it is socially inept.

This is not just "not getting invited." This is her regular group of neighborhood friends. She invited all but one. That's shitty. Regardless of how popular she is and how many other friends she could have invited. She lives near these people. She's now fouled her own nest.

Fouled her own best? I think you are being a bit dramatic. I’m sure the birthday girl will be fine. The point is that not all can be invited and there is a difference in the friendship. The birthday girl chose her long time friends. My daughter always has a hard time narrowing her guest list, but she usually chooses he closest friends even if at school their group may include one or two other friends. We have a budget and we set the number of kids. My daughter chooses the actual kids.

The mom is publicly upset. That means her univited DD is upset. So, no, it's not being dramatic. It's playing out just as I said.
Will this eventually blow over? Sure. But decisions have consequences. It was a birthday not a coronation. She should have invited the 4th girl, imo. That was the kind thing to do. Mom of the princess blew that bigly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is free to have whatever type of party she wants for her DD, though I suspect it's more for her than her DD. Whatever. That's their decision.

But, a) OP seems overly wrapped up in how fancy the party was, how exclusive, how much she spent, etc. I guarantee this spilled down to her DD and the party was flaunted in the excluded girl's face.

and b) it was absolutely bitchy to not invite the 4th girl. You had no obligation to, but that's not what we are talking about. Put yourself - or your daughter- in her shoes. These are kids that are her friends, they play together regularly, and she is fairly new and so probably desperate for a "tribe" of her own. She probably thought she had it. And it was likely a slap in the face to not only not be invited, but to realized that the people you thought were good friends don't feel the same about you.

It's wrong of the mom to publicly complain about it. But, you kind of could see this going down. You excluded her kid. You did. You had that right, but you did. I'd be pissed too, but I wouldn't publicly say so. I'd manage my DD's feelings and we'd move on. But, I'd think less of you going forward.

Sounds like the birthday girl has lots of friends. Surely more than 2 or 3 from soccer or whatever sport she's in and more than 2 or 3 from school So I'm sure other girls got "excluded." But the other parents weren't whiny. You can't invite everyone, the little girl's mom that complained about it is socially inept.

This is not just "not getting invited." This is her regular group of neighborhood friends. She invited all but one. That's shitty. Regardless of how popular she is and how many other friends she could have invited. She lives near these people. She's now fouled her own nest.

Fouled her own best? I think you are being a bit dramatic. I’m sure the birthday girl will be fine. The point is that not all can be invited and there is a difference in the friendship. The birthday girl chose her long time friends. My daughter always has a hard time narrowing her guest list, but she usually chooses he closest friends even if at school their group may include one or two other friends. We have a budget and we set the number of kids. My daughter chooses the actual kids.

The mom is publicly upset. That means her univited DD is upset. So, no, it's not being dramatic. It's playing out just as I said.
Will this eventually blow over? Sure. But decisions have consequences. It was a birthday not a coronation. She should have invited the 4th girl, imo. That was the kind thing to do. Mom of the princess blew that bigly.

I would stay away from the girl that was not invited in the future, because her mom.created drama. Too much potential conflict. This kind of mom was the cause for isolating one of the girls when I was in elementary/middle school. I saw it also happening in my kid's school.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Just wow.

OP, your lack of social and emotional intelligence is only matched by your sense of entitlement.

Most people will be able to understand the other mom's upset. Most of your neighbors. Your reputation in the neighborhood has, rightly IMO, been damaged. You might say that you don't care what others think, but we live in communities.

You could be surprised how this might come back to haunt you in the future. And you and your daughter will deserve it for being so callous about the feelings of a 10-year old girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow.

OP, your lack of social and emotional intelligence is only matched by your sense of entitlement.

Most people will be able to understand the other mom's upset. Most of your neighbors. Your reputation in the neighborhood has, rightly IMO, been damaged. You might say that you don't care what others think, but we live in communities.

You could be surprised how this might come back to haunt you in the future. And you and your daughter will deserve it for being so callous about the feelings of a 10-year old girl.

I disagree. A neighbor moved this summer after the drama she created with her middle school girl. Nobody understood "mom's upset", which made her more upset. Mom, being upset about her daughter, new to the neighborhood, not being invited to a small party is ridiculous. The kid wasn't number 11 on the list, she was number 25 or below, just a neighbor, not a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow.

OP, your lack of social and emotional intelligence is only matched by your sense of entitlement.

Most people will be able to understand the other mom's upset. Most of your neighbors. Your reputation in the neighborhood has, rightly IMO, been damaged. You might say that you don't care what others think, but we live in communities.

You could be surprised how this might come back to haunt you in the future. And you and your daughter will deserve it for being so callous about the feelings of a 10-year old girl.

Yeah, no. If I heard a mom whining, gossiping, and bitching because another kid didn't invite her kid for a party, I'd think SHE is nuts.

The entitlement here is astounding. I'd want none of you prima Donnas in my neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Just wow.

OP, your lack of social and emotional intelligence is only matched by your sense of entitlement.

Most people will be able to understand the other mom's upset. Most of your neighbors. Your reputation in the neighborhood has, rightly IMO, been damaged. You might say that you don't care what others think, but we live in communities.

You could be surprised how this might come back to haunt you in the future. And you and your daughter will deserve it for being so callous about the feelings of a 10-year old girl.

Yeah, no. If I heard a mom whining, gossiping, and bitching because another kid didn't invite her kid for a party, I'd think SHE is nuts.

The entitlement here is astounding. I'd want none of you prima Donnas in my neighborhood.

+1

Tell me about it. Some neighborhoods are FULL of neurotic hags that have time for this drama (of course, all the while claiming they don’t). Don’t worry OP, just keep your distance. Everyone knows who they are - doing anything to socially engineer their snowflake - it backfires every time.

[Anonymous]

I think hurt mom had no right to add drama. People can invite who they want. I think party mom is quite full of herself by describing the party as she did, and my guess is party mom has been obnoxious making sure everyone knows the lavish details of the exclusive party.

[Anonymous]

Troll post. Can't believe everyone is falling for it. OP did a good job with all the details but exaggerated a bit too much on the cost which is the give-away.

[Anonymous]

This also reminds me of a wedding dilemma common enough that Miss Manners had to address it multiple times (which drilled her position into my head). The letter writer would say something like “Our dream venue (or budget + dream caterer or whatever) only accommodates 60 people, but our minimum guest list is 110. We either have to cut whole family branches or generations or whatever— whom should we cut?” And Miss Manners’ inevitable reply was “Choose a new venue or have cake and punch, you can’t cut for budgetary reasons.”

To be clear, you can decide you want a small wedding, you can elope if you want to, etc. But what she emphasizes you CAN’T do is not invite people you would otherwise invite because of budgetary reasons. You can’t invite your aunt and not your cousin (whose wedding you attended and to whom you are moderately close) simply because that puts you over the guest limit at Fabulous Historic Mansion. You can’t have an appropriate guest list in mind and then start cutting awkwardly because of an arbitrary limit.

I’m not sure OP’s scenario is complete analogous, but it does sound similar enough— like if the budget were higher, she would not have awkwardly excluded this one kid. It would have been substantially different if the birthday girl wanted an intimate 4-guest sleepover and invited all the neighborhood girls in question OR had invited one girl each from different friend groups. But that’s not what she did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll post. Can't believe everyone is falling for it. OP did a good job with all the details but exaggerated a bit too much on the cost which is the give-away.

Falling for what? It's entertainment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP lost me at "cost per kid $150"

Agree. She could have said

My daughter could only invite 8 because of cost issues and couldn't invite everyone. Neighbor was hurt. But $150 a head and over the top goodie (aka SWAG) bags is extreme, pretentious, and rude.

If you and your daughter wanted this type of "look at me" lavish party, you have to prepared for friend fall-out. That was a choice whether you believe you or the neighbor is in the wrong.

You could have easily had a sleepover with 15 girls with pizza, popcorn and movies for $150 and then taken a few closest friends to a nice dinner another night. But you didn't so you have no right to complain that others feel left out.

Also, karma is a bitch. Make sure your daughter is prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think hurt mom had no right to add drama. People can invite who they want. I think party mom is quite full of herself by describing the party as she did, and my guess is party mom has been obnoxious making sure everyone knows the lavish details of the exclusive party.

+1

Yo party, yo business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This also reminds me of a wedding dilemma common enough that Miss Manners had to address it multiple times (which drilled her position into my head). The letter writer would say something like “Our dream venue (or budget + dream caterer or whatever) only accommodates 60 people, but our minimum guest list is 110. We either have to cut whole family branches or generations or whatever— whom should we cut?” And Miss Manners’ inevitable reply was “Choose a new venue or have cake and punch, you can’t cut for budgetary reasons.”

To be clear, you can decide you want a small wedding, you can elope if you want to, etc. But what she emphasizes you CAN’T do is not invite people you would otherwise invite because of budgetary reasons. You can’t invite your aunt and not your cousin (whose wedding you attended and to whom you are moderately close) simply because that puts you over the guest limit at Fabulous Historic Mansion. You can’t have an appropriate guest list in mind and then start cutting awkwardly because of an arbitrary limit.

I’m not sure OP’s scenario is complete analogous, but it does sound similar enough— like if the budget were higher, she would not have awkwardly excluded this one kid. It would have been substantially different if the birthday girl wanted an intimate 4-guest sleepover and invited all the neighborhood girls in question OR had invited one girl each from different friend groups. But that’s not what she did.

I don't see it as the same. Family is family and the mom made sure a cousin was invited. As another person posted, neighbor girl was obviously not 11th on the list, she was way down in there. The girls play together, but they are not best friends by any means. I just don't get why the mom assumed her child would be invited just because they are neighborhood friends. My daughter plays with 2 girls on our street pretty constantly but is really friends with only one of the two. She always invites one of them for birthdays and the other girl does the same. There are levels of friendships, period. Now, I understand why the girl was hurt, but it is her mom's job to help her understand that she won't be invited to every birthday. There is no reason to choose the neighbor girl over a good friend on an invitation list. By your description all birthdays should be at cheap venues so that ALL can be accommodated. That's insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This also reminds me of a wedding dilemma common enough that Miss Manners had to address it multiple times (which drilled her position into my head). The letter writer would say something like “Our dream venue (or budget + dream caterer or whatever) only accommodates 60 people, but our minimum guest list is 110. We either have to cut whole family branches or generations or whatever— whom should we cut?” And Miss Manners’ inevitable reply was “Choose a new venue or have cake and punch, you can’t cut for budgetary reasons.”

To be clear, you can decide you want a small wedding, you can elope if you want to, etc. But what she emphasizes you CAN’T do is not invite people you would otherwise invite because of budgetary reasons. You can’t invite your aunt and not your cousin (whose wedding you attended and to whom you are moderately close) simply because that puts you over the guest limit at Fabulous Historic Mansion. You can’t have an appropriate guest list in mind and then start cutting awkwardly because of an arbitrary limit.

I’m not sure OP’s scenario is complete analogous, but it does sound similar enough— like if the budget were higher, she would not have awkwardly excluded this one kid. It would have been substantially different if the birthday girl wanted an intimate 4-guest sleepover and invited all the neighborhood girls in question OR had invited one girl each from different friend groups. But that’s not what she did.

You’re right.