Getting married in a month and I can't decide if I want to take his last name

[Anonymous]

I did not change my name. Same as some other PPs, it's been my name all my life, why would I change it just because I got married? My kids use my husband's last name, but I wish I had at least given them my last name as a middle name. I agree with PPs who say the whole give everyone the man's last name is old fashioned and sexist.

I have had zero issues with having a different last name from my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kept my name. It's a quirk of American culture to have women change their name upon marriage and I hope that my daughters don't do adopt this tradition. I agree with you that it is archaic and un-feminist.

What about my kids? Officially, they have DH's last name and my last name as a middle name. This makes it really easy to show their connection to both parents.

Fun sidenote, in my culture there is no such thing as a middle name - the child can have multiple given names and/or surnames. So for example on my DC's passport my last name is listed as a surname along with DH's last name. I like this tradition much better than erasing the mom's name completely as is the custom in the U.S. For practical purposes in my country, we also just use the last surname in everyday communication for example: DC would still be Mr. or Ms. (DH's last name.) Still, it's considered important for the children to have the mom's name to honor both sides of their family tree.

This.

I really don't understand why more families don't do this. I also kept my last name and my children have my last name as a middle and husband's last name as their last name. I think that it's archaic for women to change their names upon marriage and I'm American!

Because I wanted to give my kids an actual middle name (we used family names for all of the kids) instead of my long and very Italian maiden name. No one uses their middle name anyway- so it's not like your name is getting much recognition, especially if it's really a middle, not hyphenated.

What blows my mind is when women refuse to change their name but then give their children their husband's surname. There isn't anything more sexist than that.

Fwiw I wanted us all to have the same name. It didn't matter whose name it was or if we made up a name. Just the same last name. We are a family

I couldn't agree more. I can't imagine carrying children and giving them someone else's name. No.way.

Someone else? wtf. do you not know your baby daddy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted us to all have the same last name. My husband would have considered taking mine if I'd asked him to.

I grew up with divorced parents and my mom remarried and I lived with them so they were all a family and I had a different last name. It always made me feel just the tiniest bit like an outsider. I a) didn't want to feel that twinge in the family I was building with my husband and b) didn't want my kids to feel it either.

Honestly its NBD. I am a VERY strong, opinionated, female supporting woman (and an atheist democrat in case people think its just conservative thing). Some people would say obnoxiously so but this felt like a silly hill to die on. It is not viewed as succumbing to the patriarchy in today's society, be real. I felt a little sad as my wedding approached and I knew my time as a 'Smith' was coming to an end but six months later it was whatever. Your last name is not your defining characteristic.

If you want to keep it, keep it. If you want to change it, change it. Neither choice defines you as a 'better' or 'more independent' or 'stronger' woman.

You can rationalize it all you want, but there are a million "little" ways that our society confers second-class status on women, and this is one. Is it worth wailing in the streets about, no, but please don't delude yourself that it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Kept mine. Never considered any other way.

It's up to you, though. Don't do it for anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes unless you want to have to explain every pickup

Nope. Never been a problem.

Why would you have to explain at pickup? Nothing to explain - my kids run to their mom. A couple of schools/camps have required ID for everyone (at the beginning) but that doesn't depend on name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted us to all have the same last name. My husband would have considered taking mine if I'd asked him to.

I grew up with divorced parents and my mom remarried and I lived with them so they were all a family and I had a different last name. It always made me feel just the tiniest bit like an outsider. I a) didn't want to feel that twinge in the family I was building with my husband and b) didn't want my kids to feel it either.

Honestly its NBD. I am a VERY strong, opinionated, female supporting woman (and an atheist democrat in case people think its just conservative thing). Some people would say obnoxiously so but this felt like a silly hill to die on. It is not viewed as succumbing to the patriarchy in today's society, be real. I felt a little sad as my wedding approached and I knew my time as a 'Smith' was coming to an end but six months later it was whatever. Your last name is not your defining characteristic.

If you want to keep it, keep it. If you want to change it, change it. Neither choice defines you as a 'better' or 'more independent' or 'stronger' woman.

You can rationalize it all you want, but there are a million "little" ways that our society confers second-class status on women, and this is one. Is it worth wailing in the streets about, no, but please don't delude yourself that it doesn't.

I love being a woman. I'm married to a great man and he's promised to provide for me my entire life. The very least I can do is take his name. It's well well worth it. I could keep my name and be a single mom but that would be so much harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted us to all have the same last name. My husband would have considered taking mine if I'd asked him to.

I grew up with divorced parents and my mom remarried and I lived with them so they were all a family and I had a different last name. It always made me feel just the tiniest bit like an outsider. I a) didn't want to feel that twinge in the family I was building with my husband and b) didn't want my kids to feel it either.

Honestly its NBD. I am a VERY strong, opinionated, female supporting woman (and an atheist democrat in case people think its just conservative thing). Some people would say obnoxiously so but this felt like a silly hill to die on. It is not viewed as succumbing to the patriarchy in today's society, be real. I felt a little sad as my wedding approached and I knew my time as a 'Smith' was coming to an end but six months later it was whatever. Your last name is not your defining characteristic.

If you want to keep it, keep it. If you want to change it, change it. Neither choice defines you as a 'better' or 'more independent' or 'stronger' woman.

You can rationalize it all you want, but there are a million "little" ways that our society confers second-class status on women, and this is one. Is it worth wailing in the streets about, no, but please don't delude yourself that it doesn't.

I love being a woman. I'm married to a great man and he's promised to provide for me my entire life. The very least I can do is take his name. It's well well worth it. I could keep my name and be a single mom but that would be so much harder.

I love being a woman too. I also love my husband.

Lucky for me, he also loves me for me and didn't ask me to change myself as a condition of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted us to all have the same last name. My husband would have considered taking mine if I'd asked him to.

I grew up with divorced parents and my mom remarried and I lived with them so they were all a family and I had a different last name. It always made me feel just the tiniest bit like an outsider. I a) didn't want to feel that twinge in the family I was building with my husband and b) didn't want my kids to feel it either.

Honestly its NBD. I am a VERY strong, opinionated, female supporting woman (and an atheist democrat in case people think its just conservative thing). Some people would say obnoxiously so but this felt like a silly hill to die on. It is not viewed as succumbing to the patriarchy in today's society, be real. I felt a little sad as my wedding approached and I knew my time as a 'Smith' was coming to an end but six months later it was whatever. Your last name is not your defining characteristic.

If you want to keep it, keep it. If you want to change it, change it. Neither choice defines you as a 'better' or 'more independent' or 'stronger' woman.

You can rationalize it all you want, but there are a million "little" ways that our society confers second-class status on women, and this is one. Is it worth wailing in the streets about, no, but please don't delude yourself that it doesn't.

I love being a woman. I'm married to a great man and he's promised to provide for me my entire life. The very least I can do is take his name. It's well well worth it. I could keep my name and be a single mom but that would be so much harder.

I love being a woman too. I also love my husband.

Lucky for me, he also loves me for me and didn't ask me to change myself as a condition of marriage.

Mine didn't require it either. But I promise your husband took note of your decision. You expect for him to hold up his end of the bargain but you decided you don't have to hold up yours. He knows this.

[Anonymous]

Changing my name in no way changed WHO I was- what an odd idea. I simply switched my name from my fathers last name to my husband and children's name. We are a family.

Strange that your fathers name actually defines you.

[Anonymous]

That may be your bargain, but it,s not everyone's.

[Anonymous]

It didn't feel right to me to change my name at the time of our wedding, so I didn't. Ten years and two kids later, it did feel right so I added it (without a hyphen). I also wanted to have the same last name as my children. My husband was delighted, but never pushed me to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I kept my name. It's a quirk of American culture to have women change their name upon marriage and I hope that my daughters don't do adopt this tradition. I agree with you that it is archaic and un-feminist.

What about my kids? Officially, they have DH's last name and my last name as a middle name. This makes it really easy to show their connection to both parents.

Fun sidenote, in my culture there is no such thing as a middle name - the child can have multiple given names and/or surnames. So for example on my DC's passport my last name is listed as a surname along with DH's last name. I like this tradition much better than erasing the mom's name completely as is the custom in the U.S. For practical purposes in my country, we also just use the last surname in everyday communication for example: DC would still be Mr. or Ms. (DH's last name.) Still, it's considered important for the children to have the mom's name to honor both sides of their family tree.

This.

I really don't understand why more families don't do this. I also kept my last name and my children have my last name as a middle and husband's last name as their last name. I think that it's archaic for women to change their names upon marriage and I'm American!

Because I wanted to give my kids an actual middle name (we used family names for all of the kids) instead of my long and very Italian maiden name. No one uses their middle name anyway- so it's not like your name is getting much recognition, especially if it's really a middle, not hyphenated.

What blows my mind is when women refuse to change their name but then give their children their husband's surname. There isn't anything more sexist than that.

Fwiw I wanted us all to have the same name. It didn't matter whose name it was or if we made up a name. Just the same last name. We are a family

So you changed to your husband's name and your kids got his last name as well?

Yes. If my husband's name was good enough for my kids then it was good enough for me.

But you consider it *more* sexist to give the kids the husband's name if the wife keeps her own name? Please explain.

Actually, no...don't explain. You're clearly the sort of woman who would never consider keeping her own name, and are trying to start a thunderdome amongst those of us who identify as feminists by calling our choice "sexist". You almost had me there!

And you seem to be the kind of woman who is saying that women who never consider keeping their name are LESS feminist? Pot kettle dude.

All PP is saying is that giving children the father's name is from the same philosophically misogynist seed as the wife changing her name. So to make a big deal about keeping your own name but then allowing the children to take their father's name is kind of weird and inconsistent. Particularly since the goal of the old patriarchal system was to ensure than a man's family name continued. So you do nothing to actually stop this by keeping your own name.

Nothing WRONG with it, and maybe you don't care about the patriarchy and just love your name and don't want to change it. That's cool. But there is a logical inconsistency with the people who are doing it for 'feminism' but then go on to give their kids the new name.

No, actually I never said anything like that, and in fact I posted on the first page of this thread to say that one doesn't stop being feminist just because she takes her husband's name.

But I do think it's disingenuous to say that giving your kids your husband's name is somehow more sexist, when you have done both that AND taken your husband's name, if you would not similarly have your husband and kids take on your surname. And I just have a hard time believing that that PP is the sort of person who would introduce a matrilineal name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Changing my name in no way changed WHO I was- what an odd idea. I simply switched my name from my fathers last name to my husband and children's name. We are a family.

Strange that your fathers name actually defines you.

By that logic, your husband's name defines you?

Of course, the name I was born with is my identity. It's the name I grew up with, the name that's on my diplomas, on my publications, it's the name I had when DH fell in love with me, it's the name he used when he proposed to me. My wedding is not the only thing that defines me as a person. What's so hard to understand about that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wanted us to all have the same last name. My husband would have considered taking mine if I'd asked him to.

I grew up with divorced parents and my mom remarried and I lived with them so they were all a family and I had a different last name. It always made me feel just the tiniest bit like an outsider. I a) didn't want to feel that twinge in the family I was building with my husband and b) didn't want my kids to feel it either.

Honestly its NBD. I am a VERY strong, opinionated, female supporting woman (and an atheist democrat in case people think its just conservative thing). Some people would say obnoxiously so but this felt like a silly hill to die on. It is not viewed as succumbing to the patriarchy in today's society, be real. I felt a little sad as my wedding approached and I knew my time as a 'Smith' was coming to an end but six months later it was whatever. Your last name is not your defining characteristic.

If you want to keep it, keep it. If you want to change it, change it. Neither choice defines you as a 'better' or 'more independent' or 'stronger' woman.

You can rationalize it all you want, but there are a million "little" ways that our society confers second-class status on women, and this is one. Is it worth wailing in the streets about, no, but please don't delude yourself that it doesn't.

I love being a woman. I'm married to a great man and he's promised to provide for me my entire life. The very least I can do is take his name. It's well well worth it. I could keep my name and be a single mom but that would be so much harder.

I love being a woman too. I also love my husband.

Lucky for me, he also loves me for me and didn't ask me to change myself as a condition of marriage.

PP I was responding to this poster. No, my fathers name didn't define me as changing my name didn't change me like it would have this poster.