Son won't talk to me after affair

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too. You even sound bitter that your wife and son are mad at you. This doesn't sound like it's going to work out. It's all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where's the other thread everyone is referring to? I've searched but can't find it.

I can't find it either. It went on for 30+ pages. Basically, in his first post, the OP said that his wife was offered a really amazing job with a mentor in California, but that he did not want to move because they lived in their "forever house" and his kids have activities that are important to them. His oldest child is 16 and on student government. What the OP failed to mention for several pages was that he had an affair with a coworker and that he still works with his AP and will not consider looking for a new job. He is in counseling but he doesn't seem to be taking it very seriously and seems to believe that apologizing and admitting that he was wrong should fix the situation. He also made some mean-spirited side remarks about his wife ("can't lose what you never had" in reference to her career) and suggested that she would be punishing him for the rest of his life for a one-time mistake. He also picks and chooses which questions to answer, giving very little detail and ignoring everything that doesn't confirm his worldview.

What questions do you have that I failed to answer because they were outside my "worldview"?

Why do you want to stay married?

Because I love my wife.

What are you willing to do to earn her love?

I've done several things in attempt to earn back her love and restore our marriage. I just think at some point some forgiveness should be issued. Sleeping in separate bedrooms and driving in different cars for a year is not helping our situation.

driving in different cars?

what?

How is that similar to sleeping in separate rooms?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an affair which was exposed a little over a year ago and ever since my wife and I have been going to marriage counseling. We both agreed to act as normal as possible in front of our 3 kids. Last month my 16 year-old overheard us arguing and found out about the affair and now won't speak to me. I've tried to do one on one things with him and tried to get him to tell me how he's feeling but he refuses to do so. Any ideas on how to get him to open up or should I give him more time?

How many times did you bang the guy and where?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a sincere question for you, no snark intended. Has anyone ever suggested, or has the thought ever crossed your mind, that you might have Aspergers? You seem to be approaching your affair in an excessively logical manner, and with a deep inability to empathize with anyone else involved. Yet there doesn't seem to be actual malice underlying it, more just an inability to comprehend why anyone else might not react in exactly the same logical way you do (such as your inability to understand why it isn't good enough for everyone else that you don't work closely with your AP anymore, but did when the affair started).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where's the other thread everyone is referring to? I've searched but can't find it.

I can't find it either. It went on for 30+ pages. Basically, in his first post, the OP said that his wife was offered a really amazing job with a mentor in California, but that he did not want to move because they lived in their "forever house" and his kids have activities that are important to them. His oldest child is 16 and on student government. What the OP failed to mention for several pages was that he had an affair with a coworker and that he still works with his AP and will not consider looking for a new job. He is in counseling but he doesn't seem to be taking it very seriously and seems to believe that apologizing and admitting that he was wrong should fix the situation. He also made some mean-spirited side remarks about his wife ("can't lose what you never had" in reference to her career) and suggested that she would be punishing him for the rest of his life for a one-time mistake. He also picks and chooses which questions to answer, giving very little detail and ignoring everything that doesn't confirm his worldview.

What questions do you have that I failed to answer because they were outside my "worldview"?

Why do you want to stay married?

Because I love my wife.

What are you willing to do to earn her love?

I've done several things in attempt to earn back her love and restore our marriage. I just think at some point some forgiveness should be issued. Sleeping in separate bedrooms and driving in different cars for a year is not helping our situation.

driving in different cars?

what?

How is that similar to sleeping in separate rooms?

OP said in the other thread that his wife insists on taking separate cars to/from their counseling appointments, which he has struggled to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too. You even sound bitter that your wife and son are mad at you. This doesn't sound like it's going to work out. It's all about you.

Yep. You're focusing on your needs. Not hers or your child's. You may think that forgiveness should be issued. That's not how it works.

Truth? I don't see this working out. And, not because of your wife. Because of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The best way to improve the situation with your son is to improve the situation with your wife.
As long as your son feels the tension in the house and understands that your wife is upset, it will be hard for him to get over what you did.
You need to give your wife any help she needs to recover from your affair. The longer you delay, the worse the entire situation gets.

Quoting for truth. OP, read this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a sincere question for you, no snark intended. Has anyone ever suggested, or has the thought ever crossed your mind, that you might have Aspergers? You seem to be approaching your affair in an excessively logical manner, and with a deep inability to empathize with anyone else involved. Yet there doesn't seem to be actual malice underlying it, more just an inability to comprehend why anyone else might not react in exactly the same logical way you do (such as your inability to understand why it isn't good enough for everyone else that you don't work closely with your AP anymore, but did when the affair started).

I think he is just self centered and ego-centric. People on the Autism spectrum have trouble with keeping secrets and lying. It would be very difficult to keep an affair a secret for 9 months. Also, they tend to be true and loyal. I don't think he is a narcissist since he seems to be acknowledging his part, he just wants it to be done and over with so he can get back to his picture perfect life- on the previous thread it seemed like he was more concerned with outward appearances. That is more a sign of a spoiled brat than anything else. I also think that he is worried about the financial split if he divorces. He completely ignored those types of questions in the previous thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have a sincere question for you, no snark intended. Has anyone ever suggested, or has the thought ever crossed your mind, that you might have Aspergers? You seem to be approaching your affair in an excessively logical manner, and with a deep inability to empathize with anyone else involved. Yet there doesn't seem to be actual malice underlying it, more just an inability to comprehend why anyone else might not react in exactly the same logical way you do (such as your inability to understand why it isn't good enough for everyone else that you don't work closely with your AP anymore, but did when the affair started).

I think he is just self centered and ego-centric. People on the Autism spectrum have trouble with keeping secrets and lying. It would be very difficult to keep an affair a secret for 9 months. Also, they tend to be true and loyal. I don't think he is a narcissist since he seems to be acknowledging his part, he just wants it to be done and over with so he can get back to his picture perfect life- on the previous thread it seemed like he was more concerned with outward appearances. That is more a sign of a spoiled brat than anything else. I also think that he is worried about the financial split if he divorces. He completely ignored those types of questions in the previous thread.

He needs individual therapy which he is not doing. He is in marriage therapy, which does not fix the self. He blames his marriage for the affair not himself... That will not end well.

Also, having been through this with my son, the affair actually just justifies what my son alway thought ... That his dad was a self serving asshole. His father fixed his relationship with his son by becoming a good person... Not just to our son and to me but to everybody... The slow old lady in line at the grocery store, the lady with cancer down the street, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where's the other thread everyone is referring to? I've searched but can't find it.

I can't find it either. It went on for 30+ pages. Basically, in his first post, the OP said that his wife was offered a really amazing job with a mentor in California, but that he did not want to move because they lived in their "forever house" and his kids have activities that are important to them. His oldest child is 16 and on student government. What the OP failed to mention for several pages was that he had an affair with a coworker and that he still works with his AP and will not consider looking for a new job. He is in counseling but he doesn't seem to be taking it very seriously and seems to believe that apologizing and admitting that he was wrong should fix the situation. He also made some mean-spirited side remarks about his wife ("can't lose what you never had" in reference to her career) and suggested that she would be punishing him for the rest of his life for a one-time mistake. He also picks and chooses which questions to answer, giving very little detail and ignoring everything that doesn't confirm his worldview.

What questions do you have that I failed to answer because they were outside my "worldview"?

Why do you want to stay married?

Because I love my wife.

What are you willing to do to earn her love?

I've done several things in attempt to earn back her love and restore our marriage. I just think at some point some forgiveness should be issued. Sleeping in separate bedrooms and driving in different cars for a year is not helping our situation.

OP, why are you sharing so much of your personal life with strangers. Is your wife aware that your personal life is out on a public forum for all to see, with enough personal detail that people who know you could guess it's you. You need to get personal counseling and also select a trusted friend who can help you talk this through. This is not the place to do it. Given the length of time with no real progress toward forgiveness from your wife, she might not ever get it it and you might be heading toward divorce. You have gotten yourself into a situation in which your son will likely blame a divorce on your cheating. In additional to getting individual counseling, I suggest going to a few sessions with a psychologist who works with teens to get advice on how to handle the situation with your son. That would be a much more productive use of your time and resources than being on this thread. I'm divorced and when my ex started dating after the divorce our DS didn't react well. My ex proactively found a great counselor who worked with kids DS's age and went to about 6 sessions to get advice on how to respond to DS's reaction. It worked out really well. Good luck to you and your family. Again, please don't post anymore detail of your family's situation on a public forum, it's an invasion of their privacy, including your teen's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where's the other thread everyone is referring to? I've searched but can't find it.

I can't find it either. It went on for 30+ pages. Basically, in his first post, the OP said that his wife was offered a really amazing job with a mentor in California, but that he did not want to move because they lived in their "forever house" and his kids have activities that are important to them. His oldest child is 16 and on student government. What the OP failed to mention for several pages was that he had an affair with a coworker and that he still works with his AP and will not consider looking for a new job. He is in counseling but he doesn't seem to be taking it very seriously and seems to believe that apologizing and admitting that he was wrong should fix the situation. He also made some mean-spirited side remarks about his wife ("can't lose what you never had" in reference to her career) and suggested that she would be punishing him for the rest of his life for a one-time mistake. He also picks and chooses which questions to answer, giving very little detail and ignoring everything that doesn't confirm his worldview.

What questions do you have that I failed to answer because they were outside my "worldview"?

Why do you want to stay married?

Because I love my wife.

What are you willing to do to earn her love?

I've done several things in attempt to earn back her love and restore our marriage. I just think at some point some forgiveness should be issued. Sleeping in separate bedrooms and driving in different cars for a year is not helping our situation.

driving in different cars?

what?

How is that similar to sleeping in separate rooms?

OP said in the other thread that his wife insists on taking separate cars to/from their counseling appointments, which he has struggled to understand.

Thanks

I would do the same. Being angry at a spouse is hard enough, but having to travel back and forth to a gut-spilling session is too much togetherness in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the people who cut their parent off after an affair, I certainly hope there was more to it that than. Christ, my mom cheated on my dad when I was in college. They got divorced and life goes on. Grow the F up people.

Yes, life goes on. And that life is better off lived without an immoral cheating rat in it.

I despised my father for cheating even more after I had kids than I did before.

I disagree and think pp.here is probably the only healthy adult. Carrying grudges only hurts you. Period. I've lived it too. My parent is flawed, in some ways deeply, but also not a cartoon villain that is so easy to cut out of my life. I didn't need extensive counseling to get there either. I'd wager that those who are so vehement on this thread have other personal issues they bring to their effed up relationships beside having a cheating parent, but it's much easier to just blame that on the parent.

Nope. Interacting with toxic narcissists is what hurts you. Avoiding them is the proper policy.

I am one of five siblings. Three of us refused to have anything to do with him after he divorced our mom. One of them still interacts with him and is pretty much in denial about what an asshole he is. The other one tried to have a relationship with him but gave up in disgust because he remains such an unrepentant tool. His first comment to this sibling of mine, when meeting my sibling for the first time in over 10 years, was a derisive remark about our mom, who he cheated on. If he'd said that to me, I would have punched him in the face, so it's really better for both of us that I never see him.

Right now the vote 4-1 that cutting off our jerk of a father is the way to go in order to preserve our mental and emotional health. I think the majority opinion is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I can understand it. An affair is something you inflict on your whole family, which includes the powerless kids. Once a kid leaves home, the affair isn't about them. I fully understand that "parents are people" but we have obligations to our children to maintain a healthy environment for them. Kids flip out because the affair ruins their home life and a) they are powerless and b) the "wandering parent" often doesn't get that it is about the explosion at home that they caused, but think it is just about "adult stuff." They don't flip out because of the immmorality of infidelity. Lived through it.

My dad had a thousand ways to get out of his marriage without making our home a battle ground and ruining every family event for the next bunch of years.

If you want out of a marriage, get out, but in the meanwhile, keep your willy in your pants.

The PP is right about the teen feeling powerless. The sense of security of the family unit is sort of pulled from under you as a result of a decision a parent made to betray his/her marriage vows. For me, as much as it was "adult stuff" about the specifics of the marriage my parent was lying to me about where he was. Clearly he isn't going to say he is at the AP house. Instead there is a lie about being at John's house to watch the game and times he wasn't reachable. As someone said, it wasn't the immorality of infidelity, this may sound weird but I think it was between my mom and dad how that would be handled. It was that as the child, I was not put first. Being able to have an affair and not be caught meant my dad was not around when he should of been, lied about where he was, and straight out potentially would not be available if there was an emergency if he was with AP.

OP mentioned how he is home for dinner now, doesn't work as late, is more present etc, as actions to show his wife he is serious about the marriage. Not to be snarky but he should have been doing those things all along. This means that OP could have been doing these things all along but choose not to because he didn't prioritize these things. If you said that you always had to be at work and missed out on being around for the kids but managed to have time to have an affair at work ..what does that say?

I think first, if you were otherwise an involved and good dad, eventually your son will forgive you in time if you show with actions and admit to being wrong. I'm sorry in a way is a knee jerk response , like when you hit your sibling as a kid and your parents tell you to apologize. Yes. You are sorry for getting caught, saying sorry to get out of further trouble, but are you really sorry and wouldn't do it again if your sibling snatches the tv remote from you ...probably not. But saying you are wrong, that your response to a given situation was wrong and not the right way to handle something. To say that you are working on yourself on how you handle something so you don't handle it that way again ...heck of a lot different than saying sorry and demanding forgiveness. Right now you are making everything about someone else being the bigger person ...why won't the wife forgive me, why won't my son forgive me. Well why can't you work on you and learn how to handle things the right way even if that doesn't result in forgiveness? Be the person worthy of forgiveness whether or not it happens. That is what real regret and remorse is about. Fwiw, I did forgive my dad but it took a long time. He didn't try to blame anyone else, he didn't give me some bs excuse, he admitted he was wrong and he was ashamed of what he was doing. He admitted that he didn't know how to handle what was going on at the time and instead of working harder and looking into counseling he made mistakes in his marriage.