Women: do you care how much your engagement ring costs?

[Anonymous]

You're in for a tedious marriage if this is how you are starting it. Clearly you have different values. That's not the person you end up marrying. Find someone you are more compatible with or just accept whatever ring he gets you. If you do end up marrying him I look forward to your next threads.

"DH did not meet my expectations on anniversary" "When we go on trips he does not book the hotels early enough" "I want to move to a bigger place, DH doesn't agree"

You're just kidding yourself if you think that once you have the ring you want there will be no other problems...everyone on here that is married can (and has ) told you that much at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:um no.

Denial...
Just like a crack-head lol.

[Anonymous]

Seems like this is more about the ability to understand something is important to your partner. There are many things that are important to my husband that aren't to me. But as a loving spouse I support him and what he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- let's put this ring issue aside. Do you feel like he loves you and makes an effort to make you happy otherwise?

I'm a PP. My DH also didn't want to spend $ on a ring which in is mind was a waste of money. For him a ring wasn't a big symbol of his love. It was just a metal thing with a shiny thing that I wore. I understood how he felt, but I explained how it was important to me. I went looking and found a $2300 Tacori setting I liked. Told him where it was and that a CZ was fine.

Could he have saved more and bought me a 'better' ring, sure. But that's just not where his values are. And luckily, I was okay with a less expensive ring. That is where my values are. So this disagreement you have could just be a sign your values are different.

But I suspect something else is going on here. I think you don't feel valued in your relationship in general. And this ring issue is just bringing that to light. DH always made me feel so valued and loved that the ring didn't have that much significance. But you are holding this ring to mean "but he doesn't love or value me very much". Step back from the ring and ask yourself, do you feel loved and valued in general by this guy?

Its interesting you bring this up. I feel two ways about this. One one hand, in our every day life, he is a dream. He is so careful and loving with me; makes me breakfast in bed; drives out to get me medicine in the middle of the night; walks 3 blocks to get me my lunch if i forget it in his car; takes care of me when I'm sick and gross; pays for my bills when Im too broke etc.

On the other, in the grand gestures of love that other guys are good at, he sucks. He didn't introduce me to his family or friends one full year into our dating. I only started to come around them after I cried and made a fuss about not being important enough in his life to have met them. He would refuse to be tagged in facebook pictures with me or be facebook official with me the first year we were dating.
Other guys are so vocal and visible about their love and commitment. Ours is very visible within the four walls of his apartment but not so much outside.

I'm the PP. Oh Sweetie, I feel your pain, I really do. But you have to realize just how lucky you are to have a guy who does so many little things to make sure you are loved and taken care of. Do you know how many of those external gesture guys treat their woman like crap? Would you trade your internal gesture guy for an external gesture guy? My DH is similar to yours. He isn't big on posting stuff about us on FB (but does allow me to). He balked at paying for a ring. He hated the wedding (too many people looking at him at our 46 person wedding LOL) but did it because it made me happy. If it were up to me, I'd be shouting about our love from the tops of mountains, but that's just not him.

But I'd take him and his small internal gestures of love any day. This is the guy who goes out at 9pm in the rain because pregnant me was having a Big Mac craving. He's the guy who'd been sick all week (and was still sick) and still did the laundry on the weekend because pregnant me was too tired. He kinda forgot our wedding anniversary a few weeks ago. And I have to admit it stung a little. But then I just remind myself that there are 1,000 other things he does every day that make me feel like the most loved woman in the world. I think of my friend who treats her like sh!t 364 day of the year, but on their anniversary makes a big pronouncement on FB on how much he loves her and takes her out to dinner. And I realize how lucky I am.

Please go back to your SO and tell him your sorry. Tell him that you are feeling insecure and this ring thing is about your insecurity. Tell him that there is a petty part of you that wants him to shout his love from the mountain tops. But your realized that's just not who he is and you are sorry.

PS--I say this with one caveat--do you feel like he is embarrassed to be with you? I dated one guy who would not hold my hand in public. Told me he just wasn't into public displays of affection. But in my gut I knew he was embarrassed by me (I didn't have a degree from the right university and at the time, was only a pubic school teacher). But he also didn't treat me great in other areas and would have never married me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- let's put this ring issue aside. Do you feel like he loves you and makes an effort to make you happy otherwise?

I'm a PP. My DH also didn't want to spend $ on a ring which in is mind was a waste of money. For him a ring wasn't a big symbol of his love. It was just a metal thing with a shiny thing that I wore. I understood how he felt, but I explained how it was important to me. I went looking and found a $2300 Tacori setting I liked. Told him where it was and that a CZ was fine.

Could he have saved more and bought me a 'better' ring, sure. But that's just not where his values are. And luckily, I was okay with a less expensive ring. That is where my values are. So this disagreement you have could just be a sign your values are different.

But I suspect something else is going on here. I think you don't feel valued in your relationship in general. And this ring issue is just bringing that to light. DH always made me feel so valued and loved that the ring didn't have that much significance. But you are holding this ring to mean "but he doesn't love or value me very much". Step back from the ring and ask yourself, do you feel loved and valued in general by this guy?

Its interesting you bring this up. I feel two ways about this. One one hand, in our every day life, he is a dream. He is so careful and loving with me; makes me breakfast in bed; drives out to get me medicine in the middle of the night; walks 3 blocks to get me my lunch if i forget it in his car; takes care of me when I'm sick and gross; pays for my bills when Im too broke etc.

On the other, in the grand gestures of love that other guys are good at, he sucks. He didn't introduce me to his family or friends one full year into our dating. I only started to come around them after I cried and made a fuss about not being important enough in his life to have met them. He would refuse to be tagged in facebook pictures with me or be facebook official with me the first year we were dating.
Other guys are so vocal and visible about their love and commitment. Ours is very visible within the four walls of his apartment but not so much outside.

There it is again...
The subconscious scream for outside approval/attention is showing up again OP.
Facebook?
Visibility?
I ain't no Freud or nuthing but sounds to me like you need some personal therapy OP to address your underlying self-worth issues which has manifested itself into an subconscious need to constantly compare yourself to others and constantly try to attain approval from others to a degree that seems to be very unhealthy. If you don't seek some therapy and address this whole "Others Opinions Determine My Self-Worth" thing this whole engagement ring fiasco is only going to be the start of problems in your long-term relationship.

That's unreasonable. Someone refusing to be tagged in a FB post with you, who also doesn't introduce you to their important people, may give you the impression they're sequestering you away. It sucks being an isolated piece in a person's life, even if they're great about doing nice things for you in that piece.

Who knows what's going on here. This does sound like a relationship with some problems in it.

[Anonymous]

I care. It better not be too expensive. Around 100 bucks is perfect. I much rather my beloved spend his money on things we both do together than a stupid ring.

[Anonymous]

Has there actually been a proposal? Or are they just "talking about it." Because I'm going out on a pretty sturdy limb to say the BF doesn't want to marry OP.

Here's why: OP believes that cost of gift = amount of love. (Whether this is sane or not, we'll skip over for now.) The fact is, she does think this way. The BF must know she thinks this way.

So BF is actually, in OP's own language, telling her by the "cheap" ring, exactly how much he cares. OP has picked up on that, which is why she's so upset. Blow to her ego, wasted time on this guy, etc.

That's my theory, anyway. Click the "agree" button if you do too.

[Anonymous]

All I know is at 36 its going to be significantly harder to find a new guy and get married and also have kids in a reasonable timeframe...so you either suck it up and accept a small stupid rock instead of a big stupid rock and enjoy the benefits of not having wasted unnecessary cash. Or you break it off because a big stupid rock is more important to you than a relationship. Better choose soon though b.c the clock is ticking.

[Anonymous]

Expensive engagement rings have been linked to higher divorce rates.

Spending two months' salary (or some other ridiculous sum) on an engagement ring is not only the norm, it's expected. But unless your monthly earnings are less than $1,000, that might not be the best decision, at least according to a study out of Emory University last September.

The study, from Andrew M. Francis and Hugo M. Mialon, surveyed 3,000 heterosexual couples and found that "marriage duration is inversely associated with spending on the engagement ring and wedding ceremony." Specifically, those who had spent $2,000-$4,000 were 30% more likely to get divorced.

[Anonymous]

50k on a 10 million income, is different than 500 on a 20k income. It's all perspective you idiots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Expensive engagement rings have been linked to higher divorce rates.

Spending two months' salary (or some other ridiculous sum) on an engagement ring is not only the norm, it's expected. But unless your monthly earnings are less than $1,000, that might not be the best decision, at least according to a study out of Emory University last September.

The study, from Andrew M. Francis and Hugo M. Mialon, surveyed 3,000 heterosexual couples and found that "marriage duration is inversely associated with spending on the engagement ring and wedding ceremony." Specifically, those who had spent $2,000-$4,000 were 30% more likely to get divorced.

Makes sense...someone that worries so much about the "fake value" of a diamond (sorry hun, diamonds are not actually rare it's just a clever monopoly controlled by the diamond industry to keep prices inflated) is worrying too much about superficial material things and not the things that create a lasting relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has there actually been a proposal? Or are they just "talking about it." Because I'm going out on a pretty sturdy limb to say the BF doesn't want to marry OP.

Here's why: OP believes that cost of gift = amount of love. (Whether this is sane or not, we'll skip over for now.) The fact is, she does think this way. The BF must know she thinks this way.

So BF is actually, in OP's own language, telling her by the "cheap" ring, exactly how much he cares. OP has picked up on that, which is why she's so upset. Blow to her ego, wasted time on this guy, etc.

That's my theory, anyway. Click the "agree" button if you do too.

I agree with this. I can only speak from a sample of one (mine) but when we started talking engagement, my now husband asked me if I had any requirements as to size of a ring. No, I didn't. I couldn't believe he asked me this. I said no. He asked me if I had a style (this makes more sense) that I preferred, and I said "anything but xyz if you really want to know." That was it. He told me later that he heard from so many of his friends of the laundry list of demands re: rings that he was really grateful and knew 100%. Think about what YOU"RE communicating to your boyfriend.
P.S. Agree with many others - I barely wear mine 9 years later. I focus on the wedding ring.

[Anonymous]

DH spent $35k+ on my ring and I barely wear it. I used to work in media and no one even noticed it then but now I'm in a casual nonprofit environment and it just isn't appropriate.

That said, you never know where life will take you. A ring you think means everything today may be obsolete tomorrow. Come to a compromise, get something you like but be flexible!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you?

My bf told me he wants to propose to me but he cannot afford to get me an expensive one so he'll get me a cheap one for now. I'm kinda upset since I have told him how I want to always be wearing it and so I want it to be nice. Also it is annoying me that he thinks I'm not worth a more expensive ring.

Am I being superficial?

What do you define as "cheap"? A ring costing $500-$1000?

If your entry price is $10k, then I suggest you and he break up.

[Anonymous]

I didn't care. In fact, I told him I didn't need a ring at all. As far as I was concerned, we were engaged once we agreed to get married and set a date. He did get me a lovely but modest ring, but it was not at all required.