Making time for kids? Study says quality trumps quantity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we all know, deep in our guts, that a certain level of quantity matters.

I agree wonder if these same posters would think it's fine to have minimal but "quality" time with their spouses and significant others. Very likely some are justifying their feelings of not really wanting to be with their kids all that much.

?? Who quits work to stay home with their spouse all day?

The study shows what it shows - that working mothers do not harm children. Sorry this interferes with your ideology. But hey, I still would have loved a year maternity leave, so I expect you will be helping to make that happen politically?

Either a certain amount of "quantity" of time does make a difference in a relationship, or it doesn't. The point is that there are great differences in time away from children, depending on a person's job. The study is a poor one in that it doesn't control for those variations. "Quality" time for just a few hours a week with a child is not sufficient, and there are a lot of children in our schools today who verbalize their sadness about it to their counselors, teachers, and school psychologists.

What is this straw man you are setting up? Most of us who work full time spend a lot of time with our kids. I'm with my kid an average of 4-5 hours every day before & after daycare, and then all weekend. I'm almost totally certain that my kid gets more parental attention than I ever did as the child of a SAHM with many sibs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no SAHMs have posted since that most recent study was quoted.

*crickets*

Perhaps they're too busy doing their parenting work?
While you're surfing the net at the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has turned into something out of The Onion: "Study Shows You Are Living Your Life All Wrong."

I got very far in life -- through high school and college and graduate school -- without the general public weighing in on what the heck I wanted to do with myself every day. Nobody cared what I majored in, or what kinds of summer jobs I had, or who I dated, or where and how we wanted to live. (I can only assume I was living my life all wrong back then too.) Suddenly, when I have a kid, women started criticizing me for whether and how long I breastfed, whether my kids were eating organic, whether and how much I worked, even what kind of stroller or baby carrier I used. And they could all show me a study to demonstrate their point.

I'm not quite a SAHM and I'm not quite disputing the article, but come on, did you expect SAHMs to say "you're right, I've been doing what was working for my family for 5 years, but now that I've read this study I'm totally convinced I was wrong and will start sending our resumes ASAP"?

I agree with you completely and, no, I would never expect SAHMs to say that at all. I'm not looking for them to say that. I am a big believer in minding your own business and not spending a lot of time worrying about the choices other people make. That being said, though, I sure would appreciate it if SAHMs would stop either implying or stating definitively that I love my child less than they do, that I'm not raising my own child, and that I'm making a lesser choice for my child. I would never ever presume to say such a thing to another person (mostly because I wouldn't believe it, AND because it's incredibly smug and presumptuous).

This. I know a lot of moms who work--mostly by choice, not because they have to--and I've never once heard any one of them say anything nasty about someone else's choice to stay home (other than to say that it's just not for them). On the other hand, I see a TON of stay at home moms (including multiple times on this thread) imply that they love their kid more than I do, or are more willing to "sacrifice" or that I'm not raising my own kid, or that they are somehow just doing a better job at this mom thing than I am. Your choice to stay at home does not make you a better mom. It just doesn't.

Their forthrightness does not come out of a place of guilt, it comes out of deep love and concern for the children, because they could not imagine being apart like that from their kids and leaving them with people who might not share the deep bond that they have developed with their kids, which grows rich with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has turned into something out of The Onion: "Study Shows You Are Living Your Life All Wrong."

I got very far in life -- through high school and college and graduate school -- without the general public weighing in on what the heck I wanted to do with myself every day. Nobody cared what I majored in, or what kinds of summer jobs I had, or who I dated, or where and how we wanted to live. (I can only assume I was living my life all wrong back then too.) Suddenly, when I have a kid, women started criticizing me for whether and how long I breastfed, whether my kids were eating organic, whether and how much I worked, even what kind of stroller or baby carrier I used. And they could all show me a study to demonstrate their point.

I'm not quite a SAHM and I'm not quite disputing the article, but come on, did you expect SAHMs to say "you're right, I've been doing what was working for my family for 5 years, but now that I've read this study I'm totally convinced I was wrong and will start sending our resumes ASAP"?

I agree with you completely and, no, I would never expect SAHMs to say that at all. I'm not looking for them to say that. I am a big believer in minding your own business and not spending a lot of time worrying about the choices other people make. That being said, though, I sure would appreciate it if SAHMs would stop either implying or stating definitively that I love my child less than they do, that I'm not raising my own child, and that I'm making a lesser choice for my child. I would never ever presume to say such a thing to another person (mostly because I wouldn't believe it, AND because it's incredibly smug and presumptuous).

This. I know a lot of moms who work--mostly by choice, not because they have to--and I've never once heard any one of them say anything nasty about someone else's choice to stay home (other than to say that it's just not for them). On the other hand, I see a TON of stay at home moms (including multiple times on this thread) imply that they love their kid more than I do, or are more willing to "sacrifice" or that I'm not raising my own kid, or that they are somehow just doing a better job at this mom thing than I am. Your choice to stay at home does not make you a better mom. It just doesn't.

Their forthrightness does not come out of a place of guilt, it comes out of deep love and concern for the children, because they could not imagine being apart like that from their kids and leaving them with people who might not share the deep bond that they have developed with their kids, which grows rich with time.

Hysterical. You should write greeting cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no SAHMs have posted since that most recent study was quoted.

*crickets*

Perhaps they're too busy doing their parenting work?
While you're surfing the net at the office.

Care to address the content of the study?
Didn't think so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no SAHMs have posted since that most recent study was quoted.

*crickets*

Perhaps they're too busy doing their parenting work?
While you're surfing the net at the office.

Yup, its a beautiful day. I took my kids to a wonderful nursery. We picked out some gorgeous plants, and we planted them in a beautiful planter. We were definitely not surfing the net today. I am taking a break from making dinner and so sad to see all the negative garbage against SAHMs posted on here once again today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has turned into something out of The Onion: "Study Shows You Are Living Your Life All Wrong."

I got very far in life -- through high school and college and graduate school -- without the general public weighing in on what the heck I wanted to do with myself every day. Nobody cared what I majored in, or what kinds of summer jobs I had, or who I dated, or where and how we wanted to live. (I can only assume I was living my life all wrong back then too.) Suddenly, when I have a kid, women started criticizing me for whether and how long I breastfed, whether my kids were eating organic, whether and how much I worked, even what kind of stroller or baby carrier I used. And they could all show me a study to demonstrate their point.

I'm not quite a SAHM and I'm not quite disputing the article, but come on, did you expect SAHMs to say "you're right, I've been doing what was working for my family for 5 years, but now that I've read this study I'm totally convinced I was wrong and will start sending our resumes ASAP"?

I agree with you completely and, no, I would never expect SAHMs to say that at all. I'm not looking for them to say that. I am a big believer in minding your own business and not spending a lot of time worrying about the choices other people make. That being said, though, I sure would appreciate it if SAHMs would stop either implying or stating definitively that I love my child less than they do, that I'm not raising my own child, and that I'm making a lesser choice for my child. I would never ever presume to say such a thing to another person (mostly because I wouldn't believe it, AND because it's incredibly smug and presumptuous).

This. I know a lot of moms who work--mostly by choice, not because they have to--and I've never once heard any one of them say anything nasty about someone else's choice to stay home (other than to say that it's just not for them). On the other hand, I see a TON of stay at home moms (including multiple times on this thread) imply that they love their kid more than I do, or are more willing to "sacrifice" or that I'm not raising my own kid, or that they are somehow just doing a better job at this mom thing than I am. Your choice to stay at home does not make you a better mom. It just doesn't.

Their forthrightness does not come out of a place of guilt, it comes out of deep love and concern for the children, because they could not imagine being apart like that from their kids and leaving them with people who might not share the deep bond that they have developed with their kids, which grows rich with time.

Hysterical. You should write greeting cards.

Hey, the good news is, you get to clock out in...another 48 minutes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has turned into something out of The Onion: "Study Shows You Are Living Your Life All Wrong."

I got very far in life -- through high school and college and graduate school -- without the general public weighing in on what the heck I wanted to do with myself every day. Nobody cared what I majored in, or what kinds of summer jobs I had, or who I dated, or where and how we wanted to live. (I can only assume I was living my life all wrong back then too.) Suddenly, when I have a kid, women started criticizing me for whether and how long I breastfed, whether my kids were eating organic, whether and how much I worked, even what kind of stroller or baby carrier I used. And they could all show me a study to demonstrate their point.

I'm not quite a SAHM and I'm not quite disputing the article, but come on, did you expect SAHMs to say "you're right, I've been doing what was working for my family for 5 years, but now that I've read this study I'm totally convinced I was wrong and will start sending our resumes ASAP"?

I agree with you completely and, no, I would never expect SAHMs to say that at all. I'm not looking for them to say that. I am a big believer in minding your own business and not spending a lot of time worrying about the choices other people make. That being said, though, I sure would appreciate it if SAHMs would stop either implying or stating definitively that I love my child less than they do, that I'm not raising my own child, and that I'm making a lesser choice for my child. I would never ever presume to say such a thing to another person (mostly because I wouldn't believe it, AND because it's incredibly smug and presumptuous).

This. I know a lot of moms who work--mostly by choice, not because they have to--and I've never once heard any one of them say anything nasty about someone else's choice to stay home (other than to say that it's just not for them). On the other hand, I see a TON of stay at home moms (including multiple times on this thread) imply that they love their kid more than I do, or are more willing to "sacrifice" or that I'm not raising my own kid, or that they are somehow just doing a better job at this mom thing than I am. Your choice to stay at home does not make you a better mom. It just doesn't.

Their forthrightness does not come out of a place of guilt, it comes out of deep love and concern for the children, because they could not imagine being apart like that from their kids and leaving them with people who might not share the deep bond that they have developed with their kids, which grows rich with time.

PP here. I don't think it comes from a place of guilt at all. I think it comes from a place of unjustified smugness, largely fueled by insecurity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has turned into something out of The Onion: "Study Shows You Are Living Your Life All Wrong."

I got very far in life -- through high school and college and graduate school -- without the general public weighing in on what the heck I wanted to do with myself every day. Nobody cared what I majored in, or what kinds of summer jobs I had, or who I dated, or where and how we wanted to live. (I can only assume I was living my life all wrong back then too.) Suddenly, when I have a kid, women started criticizing me for whether and how long I breastfed, whether my kids were eating organic, whether and how much I worked, even what kind of stroller or baby carrier I used. And they could all show me a study to demonstrate their point.

I'm not quite a SAHM and I'm not quite disputing the article, but come on, did you expect SAHMs to say "you're right, I've been doing what was working for my family for 5 years, but now that I've read this study I'm totally convinced I was wrong and will start sending our resumes ASAP"?

I agree with you completely and, no, I would never expect SAHMs to say that at all. I'm not looking for them to say that. I am a big believer in minding your own business and not spending a lot of time worrying about the choices other people make. That being said, though, I sure would appreciate it if SAHMs would stop either implying or stating definitively that I love my child less than they do, that I'm not raising my own child, and that I'm making a lesser choice for my child. I would never ever presume to say such a thing to another person (mostly because I wouldn't believe it, AND because it's incredibly smug and presumptuous).

This. I know a lot of moms who work--mostly by choice, not because they have to--and I've never once heard any one of them say anything nasty about someone else's choice to stay home (other than to say that it's just not for them). On the other hand, I see a TON of stay at home moms (including multiple times on this thread) imply that they love their kid more than I do, or are more willing to "sacrifice" or that I'm not raising my own kid, or that they are somehow just doing a better job at this mom thing than I am. Your choice to stay at home does not make you a better mom. It just doesn't.

Their forthrightness does not come out of a place of guilt, it comes out of deep love and concern for the children, because they could not imagine being apart like that from their kids and leaving them with people who might not share the deep bond that they have developed with their kids, which grows rich with time.

Wow, you just couldn't stop yourself could you. Is this self-righteousness a tick you can't control?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no SAHMs have posted since that most recent study was quoted.

*crickets*

Perhaps they're too busy doing their parenting work?
While you're surfing the net at the office.

Yup, its a beautiful day. I took my kids to a wonderful nursery. We picked out some gorgeous plants, and we planted them in a beautiful planter. We were definitely not surfing the net today. I am taking a break from making dinner and so sad to see all the negative garbage against SAHMs posted on here once again today.

Name one negative thing that has been said about SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do I wish my kid could be in preschool for 4 hrs a day instead of 8-9? Yes. Do I wish I could have had a year maternity leave? Yes. Do I wish I was independently wealthy and did not have to protect my earning capacity? Yes. Don't we all?

+1. I'm expecting my first. Long term, being a SAHM would not be viable for us- we could cover the basics because we bought a modest house that we could cover on one income if needed, but I want to be able to provide other things for our kids- a college fund, extracuriculas activities, occasional vacation (our families live far away) and fund our retirement so we're not a burden on them later on. Suspect we'll be helping out my parents at some point too because they don't have nearly enough saved, oy vey. I'm also not sure I would be stimulating enough to be with kids 24/7!

But do I wish I could switch to part time or stay home longer than three months? Absolutely. We could definitely afford to go without my income for 1-2 years, but that just isn't an option with my current job, and to give it up with the hope of finding something else isn't a risk I'm willing to take. I feel pretty lucky to have a job in my field with an easy commute and decent flexibility- there are a number of people with families in my office so taking off time for appointments, a suck child, etc. is doable. DH's job is not as flexible and he has a longer commute.

I definitely fret about it though, there are no easy answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no SAHMs have posted since that most recent study was quoted.

*crickets*

Perhaps they're too busy doing their parenting work?
While you're surfing the net at the office.

Care to address the content of the study?
Didn't think so.

Exactly.
Not one SAHM has commented on the study itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no SAHMs have posted since that most recent study was quoted.

*crickets*

Perhaps they're too busy doing their parenting work?
While you're surfing the net at the office.

Yup, its a beautiful day. I took my kids to a wonderful nursery. We picked out some gorgeous plants, and we planted them in a beautiful planter. We were definitely not surfing the net today. I am taking a break from making dinner and so sad to see all the negative garbage against SAHMs posted on here once again today.

Really? I guess I noticed the negative comments about working moms found a disservice to their children.

[Anonymous]

Err, "doing" a disservice, not found. Seriously don't know what is up with my iPhone skills some days!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no SAHMs have posted since that most recent study was quoted.

*crickets*

Perhaps they're too busy doing their parenting work?
While you're surfing the net at the office.

Yup, its a beautiful day. I took my kids to a wonderful nursery. We picked out some gorgeous plants, and we planted them in a beautiful planter. We were definitely not surfing the net today. I am taking a break from making dinner and so sad to see all the negative garbage against SAHMs posted on here once again today.

Name one negative thing that has been said about SAHM.

Seriously. Name one. The worst that anyone has said is that SOME SAHMs seem to need to make working moms feel bad about themselves. That is neither universal to SAHMs, nor can it possibly be disputed after reading this thread.