Making time for kids? Study says quality trumps quantity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has turned into something out of The Onion: "Study Shows You Are Living Your Life All Wrong."

I got very far in life -- through high school and college and graduate school -- without the general public weighing in on what the heck I wanted to do with myself every day. Nobody cared what I majored in, or what kinds of summer jobs I had, or who I dated, or where and how we wanted to live. (I can only assume I was living my life all wrong back then too.) Suddenly, when I have a kid, women started criticizing me for whether and how long I breastfed, whether my kids were eating organic, whether and how much I worked, even what kind of stroller or baby carrier I used. And they could all show me a study to demonstrate their point.

I'm not quite a SAHM and I'm not quite disputing the article, but come on, did you expect SAHMs to say "you're right, I've been doing what was working for my family for 5 years, but now that I've read this study I'm totally convinced I was wrong and will start sending our resumes ASAP"?

I agree with you completely and, no, I would never expect SAHMs to say that at all. I'm not looking for them to say that. I am a big believer in minding your own business and not spending a lot of time worrying about the choices other people make. That being said, though, I sure would appreciate it if SAHMs would stop either implying or stating definitively that I love my child less than they do, that I'm not raising my own child, and that I'm making a lesser choice for my child. I would never ever presume to say such a thing to another person (mostly because I wouldn't believe it, AND because it's incredibly smug and presumptuous).

This. I know a lot of moms who work--mostly by choice, not because they have to--and I've never once heard any one of them say anything nasty about someone else's choice to stay home (other than to say that it's just not for them). On the other hand, I see a TON of stay at home moms (including multiple times on this thread) imply that they love their kid more than I do, or are more willing to "sacrifice" or that I'm not raising my own kid, or that they are somehow just doing a better job at this mom thing than I am. Your choice to stay at home does not make you a better mom. It just doesn't.

Their forthrightness does not come out of a place of guilt, it comes out of deep love and concern for the children, because they could not imagine being apart like that from their kids and leaving them with people who might not share the deep bond that they have developed with their kids, which grows rich with time.

PP here. I don't think it comes from a place of guilt at all. I think it comes from a place of unjustified smugness, largely fueled by insecurity.

Ding ding ding. We have a winner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no SAHMs have posted since that most recent study was quoted.

*crickets*

Perhaps they're too busy doing their parenting work?
While you're surfing the net at the office.

Yup, its a beautiful day. I took my kids to a wonderful nursery. We picked out some gorgeous plants, and we planted them in a beautiful planter. We were definitely not surfing the net today. I am taking a break from making dinner and so sad to see all the negative garbage against SAHMs posted on here once again today.

There has been plenty of nastiness from SAHMs in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no SAHMs have posted since that most recent study was quoted.

*crickets*

Oh good grief. I posted up thread but will do so again.

I'm a SAHM. I have multiple graduate degrees. I am a proud feminist. I think women can be and do anything they set their minds to doing. I think this world would suffer greatly if most women-- and most mothers-- didn't work. I support public policies that make it easier for mothers and fathers to find a good work/life balance. I cheer on fathers who take paternity leave, SAH, and leave work early for their kid's Little League game because that is the best and fastest way to de stigmatize motherhood in the eyes of employers. I think mothers who work are awesome role models for their daughters and sons. I DON'T think my children are better off because I'm home with them. I pray to God they're not worse off because I do. .

The other SAHMs I know feel the same way. Please stop lumping all of us into some obnoxious holier-than-thou group. Most of us are your natural allies!

Okay??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no SAHMs have posted since that most recent study was quoted.

*crickets*

Oh good grief. I posted up thread but will do so again.

I'm a SAHM. I have multiple graduate degrees. I am a proud feminist. I think women can be and do anything they set their minds to doing. I think this world would suffer greatly if most women-- and most mothers-- didn't work. I support public policies that make it easier for mothers and fathers to find a good work/life balance. I cheer on fathers who take paternity leave, SAH, and leave work early for their kid's Little League game because that is the best and fastest way to de stigmatize motherhood in the eyes of employers. I think mothers who work are awesome role models for their daughters and sons. I DON'T think my children are better off because I'm home with them. I pray to God they're not worse off because I do. .

The other SAHMs I know feel the same way. Please stop lumping all of us into some obnoxious holier-than-thou group. Most of us are your natural allies!

Okay??

Yay! Another SAHM agrees with you 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has turned into something out of The Onion: "Study Shows You Are Living Your Life All Wrong."

I got very far in life -- through high school and college and graduate school -- without the general public weighing in on what the heck I wanted to do with myself every day. Nobody cared what I majored in, or what kinds of summer jobs I had, or who I dated, or where and how we wanted to live. (I can only assume I was living my life all wrong back then too.) Suddenly, when I have a kid, women started criticizing me for whether and how long I breastfed, whether my kids were eating organic, whether and how much I worked, even what kind of stroller or baby carrier I used. And they could all show me a study to demonstrate their point.

I'm not quite a SAHM and I'm not quite disputing the article, but come on, did you expect SAHMs to say "you're right, I've been doing what was working for my family for 5 years, but now that I've read this study I'm totally convinced I was wrong and will start sending our resumes ASAP"?

I agree with you completely and, no, I would never expect SAHMs to say that at all. I'm not looking for them to say that. I am a big believer in minding your own business and not spending a lot of time worrying about the choices other people make. That being said, though, I sure would appreciate it if SAHMs would stop either implying or stating definitively that I love my child less than they do, that I'm not raising my own child, and that I'm making a lesser choice for my child. I would never ever presume to say such a thing to another person (mostly because I wouldn't believe it, AND because it's incredibly smug and presumptuous).

This. I know a lot of moms who work--mostly by choice, not because they have to--and I've never once heard any one of them say anything nasty about someone else's choice to stay home (other than to say that it's just not for them). On the other hand, I see a TON of stay at home moms (including multiple times on this thread) imply that they love their kid more than I do, or are more willing to "sacrifice" or that I'm not raising my own kid, or that they are somehow just doing a better job at this mom thing than I am. Your choice to stay at home does not make you a better mom. It just doesn't.

Their forthrightness does not come out of a place of guilt, it comes out of deep love and concern for the children, because they could not imagine being apart like that from their kids and leaving them with people who might not share the deep bond that they have developed with their kids, which grows rich with time.

Yes or no, do you believe that working fathers do not develop a deep, rich bond with their children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has turned into something out of The Onion: "Study Shows You Are Living Your Life All Wrong."

I got very far in life -- through high school and college and graduate school -- without the general public weighing in on what the heck I wanted to do with myself every day. Nobody cared what I majored in, or what kinds of summer jobs I had, or who I dated, or where and how we wanted to live. (I can only assume I was living my life all wrong back then too.) Suddenly, when I have a kid, women started criticizing me for whether and how long I breastfed, whether my kids were eating organic, whether and how much I worked, even what kind of stroller or baby carrier I used. And they could all show me a study to demonstrate their point.

I'm not quite a SAHM and I'm not quite disputing the article, but come on, did you expect SAHMs to say "you're right, I've been doing what was working for my family for 5 years, but now that I've read this study I'm totally convinced I was wrong and will start sending our resumes ASAP"?

I agree with you completely and, no, I would never expect SAHMs to say that at all. I'm not looking for them to say that. I am a big believer in minding your own business and not spending a lot of time worrying about the choices other people make. That being said, though, I sure would appreciate it if SAHMs would stop either implying or stating definitively that I love my child less than they do, that I'm not raising my own child, and that I'm making a lesser choice for my child. I would never ever presume to say such a thing to another person (mostly because I wouldn't believe it, AND because it's incredibly smug and presumptuous).

This. I know a lot of moms who work--mostly by choice, not because they have to--and I've never once heard any one of them say anything nasty about someone else's choice to stay home (other than to say that it's just not for them). On the other hand, I see a TON of stay at home moms (including multiple times on this thread) imply that they love their kid more than I do, or are more willing to "sacrifice" or that I'm not raising my own kid, or that they are somehow just doing a better job at this mom thing than I am. Your choice to stay at home does not make you a better mom. It just doesn't.

Their forthrightness does not come out of a place of guilt, it comes out of deep love and concern for the children, because they could not imagine being apart like that from their kids and leaving them with people who might not share the deep bond that they have developed with their kids, which grows rich with time.

PP here. I don't think it comes from a place of guilt at all. I think it comes from a place of unjustified smugness, largely fueled by insecurity.

Of course these women are smug. They have love and concern for the children--not just their own, but the poor kids of those working mothers, who apparently don't love them enough to form deep bonds with them.

Reading that post is giving me diabetes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has turned into something out of The Onion: "Study Shows You Are Living Your Life All Wrong."

I got very far in life -- through high school and college and graduate school -- without the general public weighing in on what the heck I wanted to do with myself every day. Nobody cared what I majored in, or what kinds of summer jobs I had, or who I dated, or where and how we wanted to live. (I can only assume I was living my life all wrong back then too.) Suddenly, when I have a kid, women started criticizing me for whether and how long I breastfed, whether my kids were eating organic, whether and how much I worked, even what kind of stroller or baby carrier I used. And they could all show me a study to demonstrate their point.

I'm not quite a SAHM and I'm not quite disputing the article, but come on, did you expect SAHMs to say "you're right, I've been doing what was working for my family for 5 years, but now that I've read this study I'm totally convinced I was wrong and will start sending our resumes ASAP"?

I agree with you completely and, no, I would never expect SAHMs to say that at all. I'm not looking for them to say that. I am a big believer in minding your own business and not spending a lot of time worrying about the choices other people make. That being said, though, I sure would appreciate it if SAHMs would stop either implying or stating definitively that I love my child less than they do, that I'm not raising my own child, and that I'm making a lesser choice for my child. I would never ever presume to say such a thing to another person (mostly because I wouldn't believe it, AND because it's incredibly smug and presumptuous).

This. I know a lot of moms who work--mostly by choice, not because they have to--and I've never once heard any one of them say anything nasty about someone else's choice to stay home (other than to say that it's just not for them). On the other hand, I see a TON of stay at home moms (including multiple times on this thread) imply that they love their kid more than I do, or are more willing to "sacrifice" or that I'm not raising my own kid, or that they are somehow just doing a better job at this mom thing than I am. Your choice to stay at home does not make you a better mom. It just doesn't.

Their forthrightness does not come out of a place of guilt, it comes out of deep love and concern for the children, because they could not imagine being apart like that from their kids and leaving them with people who might not share the deep bond that they have developed with their kids, which grows rich with time.

PP here. I don't think it comes from a place of guilt at all. I think it comes from a place of unjustified smugness, largely fueled by insecurity.

Of course these women are smug. They have love and concern for the children--not just their own, but the poor kids of those working mothers, who apparently don't love them enough to form deep bonds with them.

Reading that post is giving me diabetes.

I may be a lot of things but smug and insecure I ain't. Loving, concerned, caring, yes. I don't know what SAHMs you know but they don't live in my zip code.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has turned into something out of The Onion: "Study Shows You Are Living Your Life All Wrong."

This. I know a lot of moms who work--mostly by choice, not because they have to--and I've never once heard any one of them say anything nasty about someone else's choice to stay home (other than to say that it's just not for them). On the other hand, I see a TON of stay at home moms (including multiple times on this thread) imply that they love their kid more than I do, or are more willing to "sacrifice" or that I'm not raising my own kid, or that they are somehow just doing a better job at this mom thing than I am. Your choice to stay at home does not make you a better mom. It just doesn't.

Their forthrightness does not come out of a place of guilt, it comes out of deep love and concern for the children, because they could not imagine being apart like that from their kids and leaving them with people who might not share the deep bond that they have developed with their kids, which grows rich with time.

PP here. I don't think it comes from a place of guilt at all. I think it comes from a place of unjustified smugness, largely fueled by insecurity.

Of course these women are smug. They have love and concern for the children--not just their own, but the poor kids of those working mothers, who apparently don't love them enough to form deep bonds with them.

Reading that post is giving me diabetes.

I may be a lot of things but smug and insecure I ain't. Loving, concerned, caring, yes. I don't know what SAHMs you know but they don't live in my zip code.

Let's just parse the above, shall we? PP says that someone who is loving and concerned about children could not even imagine being apart from their kids. The concept is so contrary to how loving mothers think, that a caring mother can't even conceive of it. Therefore, someone who CAN imagine it--and DO it--must not be loving and caring. Right?

Just don't blame WOHMs for fueling the mommy wars.

[Anonymous]

For the last time, this article and studies are relevant for 3 and up.
3 AND UP!
Probably explains why Sahms arent replying. That's the normal age for preschool to start and SAHM to start thinking about going part time and/or ramping back up to work FT.
We can still go on thinking putting a 2 month old in daycare for 10 hours/day is not great and why we chose not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we all know, deep in our guts, that a certain level of quantity matters.

I know a couple of kids who are now in their 20s that spent a significant part of their childhoods with nannies because their parents had high profile careers and traveled often. A great nanny or caretaker is fine. I think you just need to make yourself feel better; that you mean something to your child.

Yes, just as people who leave their children with others to raise them need to make themselves feel better and want to feel that they mean something to their child despite hours spent away from them.

You are beyond evil for spewing such filth. Stay at home all you want, creep, you aren't doing your kids any favors because you're an asshole. I'd rather be raised by a working mother, which I was, than an asshole any day of the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we all know, deep in our guts, that a certain level of quantity matters.

I know a couple of kids who are now in their 20s that spent a significant part of their childhoods with nannies because their parents had high profile careers and traveled often. A great nanny or caretaker is fine. I think you just need to make yourself feel better; that you mean something to your child.

Yes, just as people who leave their children with others to raise them need to make themselves feel better and want to feel that they mean something to their child despite hours spent away from them.

You are beyond evil for spewing such filth. Stay at home all you want, creep, you aren't doing your kids any favors because you're an asshole. I'd rather be raised by a working mother, which I was, than an asshole any day of the week.

Not true. I've been a working mom or a long time and understand why many parents (both moms and dads) work. I was referring to those who work such long hours (by choice) that they rarely see their kids. Many of them are dating as well because they're single parents. It does matter, whether you want to get mad about it and engage in name-calling or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, God. Brigid wrote this.

She's trolling another DCUM thread looking for parents who will admit to smoking pot now that it's tolerated in DC.

She's like the queen of straw-man premises despite the fact that erecting a straw man is a journalist sin.

Has the Post put her on the family/parenting beat? That sucks.

I live near her and was forced to go to one of her books readings/signings. She has not clue how to organize her life. There was a great deal of eye rolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think we all know, deep in our guts, that a certain level of quantity matters.

I know a couple of kids who are now in their 20s that spent a significant part of their childhoods with nannies because their parents had high profile careers and traveled often. A great nanny or caretaker is fine. I think you just need to make yourself feel better; that you mean something to your child.

Yes, just as people who leave their children with others to raise them need to make themselves feel better and want to feel that they mean something to their child despite hours spent away from them.

You are beyond evil for spewing such filth. Stay at home all you want, creep, you aren't doing your kids any favors because you're an asshole. I'd rather be raised by a working mother, which I was, than an asshole any day of the week.

Not true. I've been a working mom or a long time and understand why many parents (both moms and dads) work. I was referring to those who work such long hours (by choice) that they rarely see their kids. Many of them are dating as well because they're single parents. It does matter, whether you want to get mad about it and engage in name-calling or not.

I don't care if you take offense at being called an asshole or not. Serves you right for suggesting that people who work long hours don't matter to their kids. Sometimes the truth hurts, and in this case it's on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no SAHMs have posted since that most recent study was quoted.

*crickets*

Perhaps they're too busy doing their parenting work?
While you're surfing the net at the office.

Care to address the content of the study?
Didn't think so.

Why do you suppose the study omitted babies and toddlers?

Birth to age three are the all critical foundation years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting that no SAHMs have posted since that most recent study was quoted.

*crickets*

Perhaps they're too busy doing their parenting work?
While you're surfing the net at the office.

Care to address the content of the study?
Didn't think so.

Why do you suppose the study omitted babies and toddlers?

Birth to age three are the all critical foundation years.

See 18:16