Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All men and women should know - when you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that one of you have to SAHP. So, be mentally prepared for things to change - for better or worse and in sickness and health.

That being said - plan out your kids, be financially stable and live on one paycheck when you do not have kids.

For many people, this is just not possible: Social workers, teachers, people working for minimum wage - they cannot live on one paycheck.

Also note that all men and women should know: When you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that requires that you work for money to support your children. So, be prepared to do that. Do not have children that you, personally, cannot support.

This is EXACTLY it, and so, so many women in this area (and on this post!) just don't get it.

I think you are so obsessed with the SAH issue that you and the many others that are obsessed with the financial side it don't get it. OP never said they were financially struggling because she does not work. He said it would be financially better if she returns to work and that there are various other aspects of her not working that he does not like, including the stress of being the sole earner.

From there, it is basic common sense. If you want someone to do x, and they do not want to do x, you need to understand their objections to x
and address those objections in order to persuade them to do x. Here x is returning to paid work. Until OP understands why his wife doesn't want to return, he never will be able to persuade her to return. This is true whether or not you think her objections are rational or not.

So many on this board and on this thread forget men actually have a say in their lives. If they do not want to be the sole bread winner they have the right to express that and expect their wife to work.

If he divorces her ... I suspect she will find another "bread winner"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All men and women should know - when you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that one of you have to SAHP. So, be mentally prepared for things to change - for better or worse and in sickness and health.

That being said - plan out your kids, be financially stable and live on one paycheck when you do not have kids.

For many people, this is just not possible: Social workers, teachers, people working for minimum wage - they cannot live on one paycheck.

Also note that all men and women should know: When you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that requires that you work for money to support your children. So, be prepared to do that. Do not have children that you, personally, cannot support.

This is EXACTLY it, and so, so many women in this area (and on this post!) just don't get it.

I think you are so obsessed with the SAH issue that you and the many others that are obsessed with the financial side it don't get it. OP never said they were financially struggling because she does not work. He said it would be financially better if she returns to work and that there are various other aspects of her not working that he does not like, including the stress of being the sole earner.

From there, it is basic common sense. If you want someone to do x, and they do not want to do x, you need to understand their objections to x
and address those objections in order to persuade them to do x. Here x is returning to paid work. Until OP understands why his wife doesn't want to return, he never will be able to persuade her to return. This is true whether or not you think her objections are rational or not.

So many on this board and on this thread forget men actually have a say in their lives. If they do not want to be the sole bread winner they have the right to express that and expect their wife to work.

If he divorces her ... I suspect she will find another "bread winner"

Who will get to raise his kids while OP is off living in an apartment and paying child support. Much better to try to communicate better than to respond to an alleged "unilateral" action with another unilateral action.

[Anonymous]

OP, now that you have a less family-friendly job, who is going to handle all the daytime stuff with the kids? Until it is logistically possible for her to return to work, she will not. And she will resent you for pressuring her to find a job without being realistic about the demands your current job places on her schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHMs will get so offended if you tell them they don’t have a real job. But the second they don’t live up to their job duties, everyone rushes in to defend their laziness. Part of being a SAHM or Homemaker or whatever you want to call it is taking care of the bulk of the household responsibilities. That’s what you are home for…to take care of the kids and the house. If you cannot do this, then you are not living up to your end of the deal.

How would a SAHM feel if their husband found the job he has to be too stressful and too much work, so he’s going to switch to a job that has less benefit to the family? People would call him selfish and that he isn’t taking his family into consideration. It should be the same deal if a SAHM decides her husband needs to just deal with her inability to handle her responsibilities and insists he accept the lowered standards.

Signed a former SAHM of 3 kids

(I work FT now, and this job is a break compared to running a household with kids. So I completely understand who much work, effort and thanklessness goes into being a SAHM…and the lack of sleep and the frustration of dealing with babies/toddlers ALL DAY LONG, with little adult interaction.)

Guess it depends on the type of paid work you do, eh? Everyone's situation is different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I haven't read through the pages and pages, but I feel your pain. My DH just quit his job one day to go back to school without consulting me. He never got a job after graduating and is now a SAHD. I married and had kids with someone that was a working adult who had his crap together and had goals and even considered whether I should be SAH, which I expressed a clear desire to do and am more capable of doing (not because I'm a woman, just because I'm better at the tasks involved). I wouldn't have done that with someone who barely keeps up with the household on a good day. I was mad for years about it but finally have just made my peace. Harboring the resentment does no one any good - I chose a good guy/poor partner but I'm in it for a long haul so I focus on the good guy part. To be frank, I doubt your wife will ever understand the pressure she put on you or how much it hurt not to be consulted about a choice that you are negatively impacted by every day.

Good for you. I would have divorced your husband. No doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, now that you have a less family-friendly job, who is going to handle all the daytime stuff with the kids? Until it is logistically possible for her to return to work, she will not. And she will resent you for pressuring her to find a job without being realistic about the demands your current job places on her schedule.

What about the demands placed on him by their current situation? And when did OP say he can't handle any kid stuff?

Some of the women on here will do anything, say anything, make any argument to refrain from getting a job. So unbelievably selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All men and women should know - when you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that one of you have to SAHP. So, be mentally prepared for things to change - for better or worse and in sickness and health.

That being said - plan out your kids, be financially stable and live on one paycheck when you do not have kids.

For many people, this is just not possible: Social workers, teachers, people working for minimum wage - they cannot live on one paycheck.

Also note that all men and women should know: When you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that requires that you work for money to support your children. So, be prepared to do that. Do not have children that you, personally, cannot support.

This is EXACTLY it, and so, so many women in this area (and on this post!) just don't get it.

What about OP's family situation requires a SAHP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All men and women should know - when you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that one of you have to SAHP. So, be mentally prepared for things to change - for better or worse and in sickness and health.

That being said - plan out your kids, be financially stable and live on one paycheck when you do not have kids.

For many people, this is just not possible: Social workers, teachers, people working for minimum wage - they cannot live on one paycheck.

Also note that all men and women should know: When you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that requires that you work for money to support your children. So, be prepared to do that. Do not have children that you, personally, cannot support.

This is EXACTLY it, and so, so many women in this area (and on this post!) just don't get it.

I think you are so obsessed with the SAH issue that you and the many others that are obsessed with the financial side it don't get it. OP never said they were financially struggling because she does not work. He said it would be financially better if she returns to work and that there are various other aspects of her not working that he does not like, including the stress of being the sole earner.

From there, it is basic common sense. If you want someone to do x, and they do not want to do x, you need to understand their objections to x
and address those objections in order to persuade them to do x. Here x is returning to paid work. Until OP understands why his wife doesn't want to return, he never will be able to persuade her to return. This is true whether or not you think her objections are rational or not.

She doesn't have the right to opt out of work without her husband's agreement. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All men and women should know - when you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that one of you have to SAHP. So, be mentally prepared for things to change - for better or worse and in sickness and health.

That being said - plan out your kids, be financially stable and live on one paycheck when you do not have kids.

For many people, this is just not possible: Social workers, teachers, people working for minimum wage - they cannot live on one paycheck.

Also note that all men and women should know: When you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that requires that you work for money to support your children. So, be prepared to do that. Do not have children that you, personally, cannot support.

This is EXACTLY it, and so, so many women in this area (and on this post!) just don't get it.

I think you are so obsessed with the SAH issue that you and the many others that are obsessed with the financial side it don't get it. OP never said they were financially struggling because she does not work. He said it would be financially better if she returns to work and that there are various other aspects of her not working that he does not like, including the stress of being the sole earner.

From there, it is basic common sense. If you want someone to do x, and they do not want to do x, you need to understand their objections to x
and address those objections in order to persuade them to do x. Here x is returning to paid work. Until OP understands why his wife doesn't want to return, he never will be able to persuade her to return. This is true whether or not you think her objections are rational or not.

She doesn't have the right to opt out of work without her husband's agreement. Period.

Right, because once you marry, you are chattel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, now that you have a less family-friendly job, who is going to handle all the daytime stuff with the kids? Until it is logistically possible for her to return to work, she will not. And she will resent you for pressuring her to find a job without being realistic about the demands your current job places on her schedule.

What about the demands placed on him by their current situation? And when did OP say he can't handle any kid stuff?

Some of the women on here will do anything, say anything, make any argument to refrain from getting a job. So unbelievably selfish.

Back when he said he used to have a family-friendly job and then changed and goes on the Acela to NY sometimes. And because he's been asked numerous times how he would pull his weight for the sick days and appointments, and hasn't responded.

[Anonymous]

Your kids are better off with their mom than in a daycare. Maybe you should work on being less selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All men and women should know - when you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that one of you have to SAHP. So, be mentally prepared for things to change - for better or worse and in sickness and health.

That being said - plan out your kids, be financially stable and live on one paycheck when you do not have kids.

For many people, this is just not possible: Social workers, teachers, people working for minimum wage - they cannot live on one paycheck.

Also note that all men and women should know: When you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that requires that you work for money to support your children. So, be prepared to do that. Do not have children that you, personally, cannot support.

This is EXACTLY it, and so, so many women in this area (and on this post!) just don't get it.

I think you are so obsessed with the SAH issue that you and the many others that are obsessed with the financial side it don't get it. OP never said they were financially struggling because she does not work. He said it would be financially better if she returns to work and that there are various other aspects of her not working that he does not like, including the stress of being the sole earner.

From there, it is basic common sense. If you want someone to do x, and they do not want to do x, you need to understand their objections to x
and address those objections in order to persuade them to do x. Here x is returning to paid work. Until OP understands why his wife doesn't want to return, he never will be able to persuade her to return. This is true whether or not you think her objections are rational or not.

She doesn't have the right to opt out of work without her husband's agreement. Period.

Right, because once you marry, you are chattel.

No, because once you marry, you no longer take unilateral decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All men and women should know - when you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that one of you have to SAHP. So, be mentally prepared for things to change - for better or worse and in sickness and health.

That being said - plan out your kids, be financially stable and live on one paycheck when you do not have kids.

For many people, this is just not possible: Social workers, teachers, people working for minimum wage - they cannot live on one paycheck.

Also note that all men and women should know: When you have kids, there may be a situation in your family that requires that you work for money to support your children. So, be prepared to do that. Do not have children that you, personally, cannot support.

This is EXACTLY it, and so, so many women in this area (and on this post!) just don't get it.

I think you are so obsessed with the SAH issue that you and the many others that are obsessed with the financial side it don't get it. OP never said they were financially struggling because she does not work. He said it would be financially better if she returns to work and that there are various other aspects of her not working that he does not like, including the stress of being the sole earner.

From there, it is basic common sense. If you want someone to do x, and they do not want to do x, you need to understand their objections to x
and address those objections in order to persuade them to do x. Here x is returning to paid work. Until OP understands why his wife doesn't want to return, he never will be able to persuade her to return. This is true whether or not you think her objections are rational or not.

She doesn't have the right to opt out of work without her husband's agreement. Period.

Right, because once you marry, you are chattel.

No, because once you marry, you no longer take unilateral decisions.

Says the poster who loves unilateral statements. OP hasn't addressed what occurred when dw left her job; quite possible he didn't object because he believed it would be temporary.

I disagree with you btw. No one should continue to work in a job that makes them miserable, unless it is necessary to pay rent and buy food. Not the case here. If my dh told me he couldn't stand his job and needed to take some time to figure his life out or to be with our kids, I wouldn't force him to work, particularly if it was a financially wash in the short term. Spouses support one another.

[Anonymous]

"So many on this board and on this thread forget men actually have a say in their lives. If they do not want to be the sole bread winner they have the right to express that and expect their wife to work.

If he divorces her ... I suspect she will find another "bread winner"

Unless she is very hot, she'll have to clean her house to snag the next chump.

[Anonymous]

I am heading home and can answer some questions. Honestly, I have been venting and it's been helpful and some of the ideas (including the cleaner) I am going to hop on. Thank you for the constructive feedback. Obviously there are communication issues and I don't even know how to deal with them.

Our situation is really a massive change. No one thought being a SAHP was on the table in our marriage. Even with our first DW worked and like it until she ran into issues and quit. Those issues had nothing to do with childcare, but she was pregnant and was discouraged job hunting and that was that, I guess.

I waited a year after our second before broaching the subject. He'll be two in 6-9 months (and preschool eligible), so that is why I began pushing the issue until I realized it was going no where. I then started therapy because I was resentful and needed to let that go to really be fair about what our family needs. I am still working on that.

I had a great family friendly job, but we needed more money so I actually scrambled and doubled my income by taking a new job. It's a strange catch 22 because I wish I was around more and would down shift but I can't because we need the money and DE (according to come of you) won't work because I work too much so the cycle goes on...

I know I am resentful because I couldn't make this choice and wasn't given any real input on it and was forced to make the best of things. I know that. But I love my wife and want her to be happy and honestly know this isn't it, but can't be truly supportive of her until I let go of my resentment. That is what I have been working through.