How did you find a family-oriented husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know this is DCUM, where the 'M'-persuasion rules supreme here, and men are sized up for their 'daddy potential', but seriously.....?!

The fact that a man does not have, or want kids, DOES NOT mean he is not 'family-oriented' or a great provider. I think women spend too much time reading their biological clocks and sizing up 'daddy potential' instead of sizing up the good qualities that really make the man (honesty, integrity, kindness, protective, etc.). Not everyone will want to have parenting as part of their life story, but that does not mean that they are any less responsible or family-oriented than a man whose house looks like Noah's Ark.

Then again....where am I.....?....DCUM

A-freakin'-men.

It never fails to amaze me how women will marry a checklist and then wake up 5-10 years later with the babies, the house, the car(s) and a snoring body they abhor next to them and wonder why. Karma's a bitch, ya know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You attract people like yourself to you.

Agree. But for some reason, sometimes you attract people that lack important values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a family-oriented Dad...I met my wife online. It wasn't complicated to find each other: we both just talked.

I just wanted to share my story because it conflicts with a couple of the common tropes/myths being propagated here.

1) Faith based BS: We are both basically Pastafarians - Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - we are not "believers". The Corinthians snippet remains on target: we share this value, and more importantly, we share the same way of seeing and approaching the world (which does not involve the super-natural or mystical), and all this means is we have less (not zero) conflict. This isn't relevant to children, per-se, any more than it is to all aspects of a partnership. You can be totally non-religious and still meet this item.

2) Come from "family oriented" families BS. My wife comes from a small family, in which the nuclear family is pretty strong, intact and healthy. My ILs are fantastic. My ILs are both highly alienated from their families and had strained relationships with their own parents. I come from a dysfunctional family; I get along with my mother, but don't really like her and we have a...tightly choreographed relationship, none of which I hide from my wife or hid when we first met (I pretty much talked openly about it). Interestingly, my BIL also comes from a dysfunctional
FOO and like me, has a similarly strained relationship with his parents. All our "families" have in common a background of alienation and are driven by that - in a conscious choice - to create new, functional and happy families. I won't even start down the list of truly horrific, toxic and enmeshed crazy families who are "close" and "tight".

All we had to do to find each other was be up front - clear and direct - about what we wanted out of a relationship. Every one of the online dating systems has ample opportunities to talk about whether or not you want kids. I was the more family/child-driven of the two of us; my wife is an MD, and had arrived at the point where she thought kids might not happen for her and had made peace with that. Her career is more demanding than mine. We do share the load and we do share values. When you are evaluating a new partner, remember that talk - particularly overt "values" religiosity (for you scripture-quoters, why do these people always seem to forget Matthew 6:5?) - is cheap; listen to what they say and then see how well their actions match up with what they say. You're better off with someone who promises less but does what they say than anyone else.

So much this. Well said PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH hated kids. Didn't want to hold babies. Looked at friends kids as an annoyance. Basically an early grumpy old man.

Now 10 years later and two kids, he is Mr. Family guy. He is self-employed so he goes to parent conferences, lunch with the kid days, coaches youth soccer, etc. He reads to them and helps with the homework and the housework (but we have a nanny too).

Midwesterner as others mentioned, though not sure how relevant that is. He grew up rather independent ("fix it yourself" was his parent's mantra whether it be a broken toy or a neighborhood argument).

When I once asked him to find a nice "man" for a friend of mine he replied that "all of your friends looking for the right 'man' are only attracted to and dating 'boys'. They've probably met the right man a dozen times but black flagged them for some silly superficial reason". Could see that with a few of my friends to be honest.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH hated kids. Didn't want to hold babies. Looked at friends kids as an annoyance. Basically an early grumpy old man.

Now 10 years later and two kids, he is Mr. Family guy. He is self-employed so he goes to parent conferences, lunch with the kid days, coaches youth soccer, etc. He reads to them and helps with the homework and the housework (but we have a nanny too).

Midwesterner as others mentioned, though not sure how relevant that is. He grew up rather independent ("fix it yourself" was his parent's mantra whether it be a broken toy or a neighborhood argument).

When I once asked him to find a nice "man" for a friend of mine he replied that "all of your friends looking for the right 'man' are only attracted to and dating 'boys'. They've probably met the right man a dozen times but black flagged them for some silly superficial reason". Could see that with a few of my friends to be honest.

This.

+ a million to the nth power

[Anonymous]

Are you the kind of wife a family-oriented husband would want?

You attract people like yourself.

[Anonymous]

Found mine in college. He's smart, attractive, athletic and sexy. He was too busy studying in college for the other girls and they friend-zoned him.

The #1 and #2 things that my single friends are concerned with are earning power and attractiveness. Makes me wonder why they're still single at 30 I get it, it's easier to marry money than to make it, but don't bitch to me why you're still single and passing by great men who aren't making 7 figures and have 6 packs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Found mine in college. He's smart, attractive, athletic and sexy. He was too busy studying in college for the other girls and they friend-zoned him.

The #1 and #2 things that my single friends are concerned with are earning power and attractiveness. Makes me wonder why they're [/b]still single at 30 [b] I get it, it's easier to marry money than to make it, but don't bitch to me why you're still single and passing by great men who aren't making 7 figures and have 6 packs.

I never understood this attitude- we are not in the type of place where everyone gets married before 30, or even considers that a goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Found mine in college. He's smart, attractive, athletic and sexy. He was too busy studying in college for the other girls and they friend-zoned him.

The #1 and #2 things that my single friends are concerned with are earning power and attractiveness. Makes me wonder why they're [/b]still single at 30 [b] I get it, it's easier to marry money than to make it, but don't bitch to me why you're still single and passing by great men who aren't making 7 figures and have 6 packs.

I never understood this attitude- we are not in the type of place where everyone gets married before 30, or even considers that a goal.

I mentioned the "still single at 30" thing because these women are extremely upset about it. It's not something I'm condemning them for and I never thought that marriage before 30 was the goal.

[Anonymous]

Well, I am 45 and still not married. Is it unrealistic of me to spect my future wife to be as talented in the bedroom as she is in the kitchen, look at all times lie an SI swimsuit model, enjoy sports, be able to take care of toddlers, hold down a FT job as a Big Law attorney and love my mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I am 45 and still not married. Is it unrealistic of me to spect my future wife to be as talented in the bedroom as she is in the kitchen, look at all times lie an SI swimsuit model, enjoy sports, be able to take care of toddlers, hold down a FT job as a Big Law attorney and love my mother?

I was with you until the love your mother part.

[Anonymous]

I got married at 33. Many of our friends already had kids or were pregnant during the time we were dating. I could see that my husband enjoyed kids and was at ease with them. It gave us ample opportunities to talk about what our family might look like and whether we would be ok if we could not have kids due to our age. I liked the way he interacts with his parents and siblings and the way he treats my parents.

[Anonymous]

I withheld sex for nine months and when DH was still there, I thought, "he must be very family-oriented to suffer through that."

He hinted at sex several times a week during the first four or five months. I just sent out "no signals" without ever telling him "no" directly. Then he just stopped asking, "would you consent to marital relations?"

At that point I knew I had a family-oriented man as opposed to a real man.

Now I have two kids who look just like the guy who grabbed me by the face and kissed me.

My family-oriented man has never asked. We're very happy. Just ask me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I withheld sex for nine months and when DH was still there, I thought, "he must be very family-oriented to suffer through that."

He hinted at sex several times a week during the first four or five months. I just sent out "no signals" without ever telling him "no" directly. Then he just stopped asking, "would you consent to marital relations?"

At that point I knew I had a family-oriented man as opposed to a real man.

Now I have two kids who look just like the guy who grabbed me by the face and kissed me.

My family-oriented man has never asked. We're very happy. Just ask me.

This makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

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