At odds with spouse ove how much house we can afford

[Anonymous]

OP, i just don't get you. You keep saying over and over how this is about conflict resolution (and how we should all just divide by 4 if that makes us feel better). And many many PP keep offering you good advice, which you mostly ignore.

I think your question really isn't conflict resolution, it's really "how do I get my husband to see that I am RIGHT and he is WRONG!"

And even if that is the question, the asnwers are still the same - you have to do a little bit more work than just bitching at him about it.

SPREADSHEETS: lay out exactly your budgets at various levels - his, yours, and roughly in the middle

COMPARISONS: identify houses at various price points - what do you gain and what do you lose at the various levels?

COMPROMISE: meet somewhere in the vast middle ground between you. Many people have suggested the 1.3-1.5 range offers you what you claim to want.

After 7 pages of this, I am beginning to think you are only about status and show, and only want one particular thing, and god dammit why won't your husband get with the program already. You have many, many highly desirable and enviable options. I'm still not quite sure why this is a dilemma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, i just don't get you. You keep saying over and over how this is about conflict resolution (and how we should all just divide by 4 if that makes us feel better). And many many PP keep offering you good advice, which you mostly ignore.

I think your question really isn't conflict resolution, it's really "how do I get my husband to see that I am RIGHT and he is WRONG!"

And even if that is the question, the asnwers are still the same - you have to do a little bit more work than just bitching at him about it.

SPREADSHEETS: lay out exactly your budgets at various levels - his, yours, and roughly in the middle

COMPARISONS: identify houses at various price points - what do you gain and what do you lose at the various levels?

COMPROMISE: meet somewhere in the vast middle ground between you. Many people have suggested the 1.3-1.5 range offers you what you claim to want.

After 7 pages of this, I am beginning to think you are only about status and show, and only want one particular thing, and god dammit why won't your husband get with the program already. You have many, many highly desirable and enviable options. I'm still not quite sure why this is a dilemma.

The problem is - she is right and he is wrong. By every possible estimate, they can afford 1.7 mil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, i just don't get you. You keep saying over and over how this is about conflict resolution (and how we should all just divide by 4 if that makes us feel better). And many many PP keep offering you good advice, which you mostly ignore.

I think your question really isn't conflict resolution, it's really "how do I get my husband to see that I am RIGHT and he is WRONG!"

And even if that is the question, the asnwers are still the same - you have to do a little bit more work than just bitching at him about it.

SPREADSHEETS: lay out exactly your budgets at various levels - his, yours, and roughly in the middle

COMPARISONS: identify houses at various price points - what do you gain and what do you lose at the various levels?

COMPROMISE: meet somewhere in the vast middle ground between you. Many people have suggested the 1.3-1.5 range offers you what you claim to want.

After 7 pages of this, I am beginning to think you are only about status and show, and only want one particular thing, and god dammit why won't your husband get with the program already. You have many, many highly desirable and enviable options. I'm still not quite sure why this is a dilemma.

The problem is - she is right and he is wrong. By every possible estimate, they can afford 1.7 mil.

That may, in fact, be true. But just because you can do something doesn't mean you should, or that you have to. In the absence of any real data, I don't think there is any way she can just by sheer force of will convince him. Well, actually if she's a big enough bitch she can wear him down until he gives in, but for god's sake why not acquire some data points to back up your position that you NEED to buy a 1.7M house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, i just don't get you. You keep saying over and over how this is about conflict resolution (and how we should all just divide by 4 if that makes us feel better). And many many PP keep offering you good advice, which you mostly ignore.

I think your question really isn't conflict resolution, it's really "how do I get my husband to see that I am RIGHT and he is WRONG!"

And even if that is the question, the asnwers are still the same - you have to do a little bit more work than just bitching at him about it.

SPREADSHEETS: lay out exactly your budgets at various levels - his, yours, and roughly in the middle

COMPARISONS: identify houses at various price points - what do you gain and what do you lose at the various levels?

COMPROMISE: meet somewhere in the vast middle ground between you. Many people have suggested the 1.3-1.5 range offers you what you claim to want.

After 7 pages of this, I am beginning to think you are only about status and show, and only want one particular thing, and god dammit why won't your husband get with the program already. You have many, many highly desirable and enviable options. I'm still not quite sure why this is a dilemma.

The problem is - she is right and he is wrong. By every possible estimate, they can afford 1.7 mil.

That may, in fact, be true. But just because you can do something doesn't mean you should, or that you have to. In the absence of any real data, I don't think there is any way she can just by sheer force of will convince him. Well, actually if she's a big enough bitch she can wear him down until he gives in, but for god's sake why not acquire some data points to back up your position that you NEED to buy a 1.7M house?

We are looking at 600k range and I can definitively see how I would need 1.7mil. If you want to be in the city (or very close to it), have separate bedrooms for all children, a two-car garage and a nice yard, you are already there. In areas with lower COL, everyone buys houses like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't just first world problems. It's zeroth world problems.

I have no freaking idea what you're spending your money on if you're making $1mn a year and can only spend $1.7mn on a house. Even with law+medical school debt of 300k, you can pay that off in a year or two if you can "get by" in a 3BR TH paying $4k a in rent.

10:19 makes a good point, make sure hubby's not making you do more work to make HIM feel better financially.

That's the point of my post- bridging the gap between what we "can" afford and what DH is inclined to spend. Please remember the income figures were quoted in gross not net figures so you can safely lop off 35% for taxes. PLease don't forget ~60K year for childcare and preschool expenses.

$60K?

We have two in private (about $13K per year) and a nanny we share who only comes mornings ($13K/year).
total - $26K



Our home is on 2 acres with a pool. We paid about $550K. It's a fantastic SAFE area that feeds into a good school cluster, as our children will be attending public high school.

We make about $150K combined and are doing fine.

And my commute is about 30 minutes. (I'm also only PT with summers off.)

I think that those with these high incomes are always trying to keep up with the Joneses when they really don't have to. You're in that category - and your post, btw, makes you look absurd.

Who exactly do you think we are trying to keep up with and why is my post absurd? Find me a 4-5BR home in walking distance to a metro stop or main artery bus stop with commutes to downtown DC in ~30minutes during rush hours, in Fairfax, Arlington or Montgomery County with a decent sized yard for under $1M. It sounds like you spent almost 4x your combined yearly salary on a house, and it just so happens my husband is not comfortable going much above 1x a yearly salary. I wish he would move to 1.5 or 1.75x but he's not convinced. I'm glad you are comfortable in your situation, our situation would be improved if we could agree to move into the scenario above, within our price range.

i am with you on that OP. We were looking in this price range < 1mil in same ares you describe and the only few places we found were complete dumps + on busy streets, or something wrong was with them. You need 1.7 mil if you want to live in some parts of Arlington, Bethesda or NWDC and want a house that's built with 21st century family needs, and I am not even talking about new construction.

[Anonymous]

OP I read this entire thread and I see why it is not helpful to you. You are looking for help with conflict resolution, but you need to ask a question, why this conflict exists in the first place.

There are two reasons I can see why DH is so super fiscally conservative and you need to look at it and solve this problem first:

1) His income is not as secure as you think, so while you think you can count on it, he knows something that tells him it's not so. You need to have a long honest talk with him, maybe he is not telling you something or doesn't feel comfortable. You need to use this information in helping you make a decision. Can you afford your dream house on just your income, is this going to be easy for him to find a job with such a high pay again?

2) He came from lower income family or a family that has lost everything and he was traumatized by this growing up. This can make him unnaturally risk averse and unwilling to spend even the amount most people would agree you could easily afford. If he is very frugal and risk averse, the key to convincing him is to prepare a solid backup plan and prove to him that even if you both lose jobs or lose significant portion of the income, you will be able to afford your home, or sell it, recovering costs, etc. You need to make him feel secure, because his mind is not comprehending this and he is anxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't just first world problems. It's zeroth world problems.

I have no freaking idea what you're spending your money on if you're making $1mn a year and can only spend $1.7mn on a house. Even with law+medical school debt of 300k, you can pay that off in a year or two if you can "get by" in a 3BR TH paying $4k a in rent.

10:19 makes a good point, make sure hubby's not making you do more work to make HIM feel better financially.

That's the point of my post- bridging the gap between what we "can" afford and what DH is inclined to spend. Please remember the income figures were quoted in gross not net figures so you can safely lop off 35% for taxes. PLease don't forget ~60K year for childcare and preschool expenses.

$60K?

We have two in private (about $13K per year) and a nanny we share who only comes mornings ($13K/year).
total - $26K



Our home is on 2 acres with a pool. We paid about $550K. It's a fantastic SAFE area that feeds into a good school cluster, as our children will be attending public high school.

We make about $150K combined and are doing fine.

And my commute is about 30 minutes. (I'm also only PT with summers off.)

I think that those with these high incomes are always trying to keep up with the Joneses when they really don't have to. You're in that category - and your post, btw, makes you look absurd.

Who exactly do you think we are trying to keep up with and why is my post absurd? Find me a 4-5BR home in walking distance to a metro stop or main artery bus stop with commutes to downtown DC in ~30minutes during rush hours, in Fairfax, Arlington or Montgomery County with a decent sized yard for under $1M. It sounds like you spent almost 4x your combined yearly salary on a house, and it just so happens my husband is not comfortable going much above 1x a yearly salary. I wish he would move to 1.5 or 1.75x but he's not convinced. I'm glad you are comfortable in your situation, our situation would be improved if we could agree to move into the scenario above, within our price range.

i am with you on that OP. We were looking in this price range < 1mil in same ares you describe and the only few places we found were complete dumps + on busy streets, or something wrong was with them. You need 1.7 mil if you want to live in some parts of Arlington, Bethesda or NWDC and want a house that's built with 21st century family needs, and I am not even talking about new construction.

you do not NEED 1.7 mil to live in any of these areas, and many of us do for half of that in nice small houses... which is why this whole post is absolutely ridiculous. you might WANT to live in a 1.7 mil house... jesus, 1.2 million would buy you a perfectly nice house in any area in this region, and I dont' care how many kids you have, you do not NEED a 4000+ sq. ft. tear down mcmansion, although you might WANT it...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't just first world problems. It's zeroth world problems.

I have no freaking idea what you're spending your money on if you're making $1mn a year and can only spend $1.7mn on a house. Even with law+medical school debt of 300k, you can pay that off in a year or two if you can "get by" in a 3BR TH paying $4k a in rent.

10:19 makes a good point, make sure hubby's not making you do more work to make HIM feel better financially.

That's the point of my post- bridging the gap between what we "can" afford and what DH is inclined to spend. Please remember the income figures were quoted in gross not net figures so you can safely lop off 35% for taxes. PLease don't forget ~60K year for childcare and preschool expenses.

$60K?

We have two in private (about $13K per year) and a nanny we share who only comes mornings ($13K/year).
total - $26K



Our home is on 2 acres with a pool. We paid about $550K. It's a fantastic SAFE area that feeds into a good school cluster, as our children will be attending public high school.

We make about $150K combined and are doing fine.

And my commute is about 30 minutes. (I'm also only PT with summers off.)

I think that those with these high incomes are always trying to keep up with the Joneses when they really don't have to. You're in that category - and your post, btw, makes you look absurd.

Who exactly do you think we are trying to keep up with and why is my post absurd? Find me a 4-5BR home in walking distance to a metro stop or main artery bus stop with commutes to downtown DC in ~30minutes during rush hours, in Fairfax, Arlington or Montgomery County with a decent sized yard for under $1M. It sounds like you spent almost 4x your combined yearly salary on a house, and it just so happens my husband is not comfortable going much above 1x a yearly salary. I wish he would move to 1.5 or 1.75x but he's not convinced. I'm glad you are comfortable in your situation, our situation would be improved if we could agree to move into the scenario above, within our price range.

i am with you on that OP. We were looking in this price range < 1mil in same ares you describe and the only few places we found were complete dumps + on busy streets, or something wrong was with them. You need 1.7 mil if you want to live in some parts of Arlington, Bethesda or NWDC and want a house that's built with 21st century family needs, and I am not even talking about new construction.

you do not NEED 1.7 mil to live in any of these areas, and many of us do for half of that in nice small houses... which is why this whole post is absolutely ridiculous. you might WANT to live in a 1.7 mil house... jesus, 1.2 million would buy you a perfectly nice house in any area in this region, and I dont' care how many kids you have, you do not NEED a 4000+ sq. ft. tear down mcmansion, although you might WANT it...

you don't really NEED indoor plumbing, either. people have done without it for centuries, you know. 1.7mil at top location buys you a nice house that is not over the top. if you have a large family and entertain a lot this is what you need. of course, you can also buy a condo in fairfax, dress at goodwill and eat bread and salt for lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I read this entire thread and I see why it is not helpful to you. You are looking for help with conflict resolution, but you need to ask a question, why this conflict exists in the first place.

There are two reasons I can see why DH is so super fiscally conservative and you need to look at it and solve this problem first:

1) His income is not as secure as you think, so while you think you can count on it, he knows something that tells him it's not so. You need to have a long honest talk with him, maybe he is not telling you something or doesn't feel comfortable. You need to use this information in helping you make a decision. Can you afford your dream house on just your income, is this going to be easy for him to find a job with such a high pay again?

2) He came from lower income family or a family that has lost everything and he was traumatized by this growing up. This can make him unnaturally risk averse and unwilling to spend even the amount most people would agree you could easily afford. If he is very frugal and risk averse, the key to convincing him is to prepare a solid backup plan and prove to him that even if you both lose jobs or lose significant portion of the income, you will be able to afford your home, or sell it, recovering costs, etc. You need to make him feel secure, because his mind is not comprehending this and he is anxious.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. To answer your reasons, I can say this. His income is COMPLETELY secure. If he chooses to take an 80% pay cut, that will be totally his choice, think moving from private to public sectors. He is supremely employable, so what he choses is his decision.

He did not come from a low SES family nor did they lose everything. He is just conservative. I'm fine using a chunk of savings now- think $200K out of $800K is perfectly fine to take out and put down om my dream home, he doesn't. I do want to enjoy the fruits of our labor now, make my life easier now, and not only save for later, we still have PLENTY of cushion for later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't just first world problems. It's zeroth world problems.

I have no freaking idea what you're spending your money on if you're making $1mn a year and can only spend $1.7mn on a house. Even with law+medical school debt of 300k, you can pay that off in a year or two if you can "get by" in a 3BR TH paying $4k a in rent.

10:19 makes a good point, make sure hubby's not making you do more work to make HIM feel better financially.

That's the point of my post- bridging the gap between what we "can" afford and what DH is inclined to spend. Please remember the income figures were quoted in gross not net figures so you can safely lop off 35% for taxes. PLease don't forget ~60K year for childcare and preschool expenses.

$60K?

We have two in private (about $13K per year) and a nanny we share who only comes mornings ($13K/year).
total - $26K



Our home is on 2 acres with a pool. We paid about $550K. It's a fantastic SAFE area that feeds into a good school cluster, as our children will be attending public high school.

We make about $150K combined and are doing fine.

And my commute is about 30 minutes. (I'm also only PT with summers off.)

I think that those with these high incomes are always trying to keep up with the Joneses when they really don't have to. You're in that category - and your post, btw, makes you look absurd.

Who exactly do you think we are trying to keep up with and why is my post absurd? Find me a 4-5BR home in walking distance to a metro stop or main artery bus stop with commutes to downtown DC in ~30minutes during rush hours, in Fairfax, Arlington or Montgomery County with a decent sized yard for under $1M. It sounds like you spent almost 4x your combined yearly salary on a house, and it just so happens my husband is not comfortable going much above 1x a yearly salary. I wish he would move to 1.5 or 1.75x but he's not convinced. I'm glad you are comfortable in your situation, our situation would be improved if we could agree to move into the scenario above, within our price range.

i am with you on that OP. We were looking in this price range < 1mil in same ares you describe and the only few places we found were complete dumps + on busy streets, or something wrong was with them. You need 1.7 mil if you want to live in some parts of Arlington, Bethesda or NWDC and want a house that's built with 21st century family needs, and I am not even talking about new construction.

you do not NEED 1.7 mil to live in any of these areas, and many of us do for half of that in nice small houses... which is why this whole post is absolutely ridiculous. you might WANT to live in a 1.7 mil house... jesus, 1.2 million would buy you a perfectly nice house in any area in this region, and I dont' care how many kids you have, you do not NEED a 4000+ sq. ft. tear down mcmansion, although you might WANT it...

you don't really NEED indoor plumbing, either. people have done without it for centuries, you know. 1.7mil at top location buys you a nice house that is not over the top. if you have a large family and entertain a lot this is what you need. of course, you can also buy a condo in fairfax, dress at goodwill and eat bread and salt for lunch.

Thanks, I couldn't have said it better myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't just first world problems. It's zeroth world problems.

I have no freaking idea what you're spending your money on if you're making $1mn a year and can only spend $1.7mn on a house. Even with law+medical school debt of 300k, you can pay that off in a year or two if you can "get by" in a 3BR TH paying $4k a in rent.

10:19 makes a good point, make sure hubby's not making you do more work to make HIM feel better financially.

That's the point of my post- bridging the gap between what we "can" afford and what DH is inclined to spend. Please remember the income figures were quoted in gross not net figures so you can safely lop off 35% for taxes. PLease don't forget ~60K year for childcare and preschool expenses.

$60K?

We have two in private (about $13K per year) and a nanny we share who only comes mornings ($13K/year).
total - $26K



Our home is on 2 acres with a pool. We paid about $550K. It's a fantastic SAFE area that feeds into a good school cluster, as our children will be attending public high school.

We make about $150K combined and are doing fine.

And my commute is about 30 minutes. (I'm also only PT with summers off.)

I think that those with these high incomes are always trying to keep up with the Joneses when they really don't have to. You're in that category - and your post, btw, makes you look absurd.

Who exactly do you think we are trying to keep up with and why is my post absurd? Find me a 4-5BR home in walking distance to a metro stop or main artery bus stop with commutes to downtown DC in ~30minutes during rush hours, in Fairfax, Arlington or Montgomery County with a decent sized yard for under $1M. It sounds like you spent almost 4x your combined yearly salary on a house, and it just so happens my husband is not comfortable going much above 1x a yearly salary. I wish he would move to 1.5 or 1.75x but he's not convinced. I'm glad you are comfortable in your situation, our situation would be improved if we could agree to move into the scenario above, within our price range.

i am with you on that OP. We were looking in this price range < 1mil in same ares you describe and the only few places we found were complete dumps + on busy streets, or something wrong was with them. You need 1.7 mil if you want to live in some parts of Arlington, Bethesda or NWDC and want a house that's built with 21st century family needs, and I am not even talking about new construction.

Amen, sister. I have no idea where the PP lives, probably Spotsylvania county? Good for her, but no thanks for me. We both workk in downtown DC!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, i just don't get you. You keep saying over and over how this is about conflict resolution (and how we should all just divide by 4 if that makes us feel better). And many many PP keep offering you good advice, which you mostly ignore.

I think your question really isn't conflict resolution, it's really "how do I get my husband to see that I am RIGHT and he is WRONG!"

And even if that is the question, the asnwers are still the same - you have to do a little bit more work than just bitching at him about it.

SPREADSHEETS: lay out exactly your budgets at various levels - his, yours, and roughly in the middle

COMPARISONS: identify houses at various price points - what do you gain and what do you lose at the various levels?

COMPROMISE: meet somewhere in the vast middle ground between you. Many people have suggested the 1.3-1.5 range offers you what you claim to want.

After 7 pages of this, I am beginning to think you are only about status and show, and only want one particular thing, and god dammit why won't your husband get with the program already. You have many, many highly desirable and enviable options. I'm still not quite sure why this is a dilemma.

The problem is - she is right and he is wrong. By every possible estimate, they can afford 1.7 mil.

What makes you say this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, i just don't get you. You keep saying over and over how this is about conflict resolution (and how we should all just divide by 4 if that makes us feel better). And many many PP keep offering you good advice, which you mostly ignore.

I think your question really isn't conflict resolution, it's really "how do I get my husband to see that I am RIGHT and he is WRONG!"

And even if that is the question, the asnwers are still the same - you have to do a little bit more work than just bitching at him about it.

SPREADSHEETS: lay out exactly your budgets at various levels - his, yours, and roughly in the middle

COMPARISONS: identify houses at various price points - what do you gain and what do you lose at the various levels?

COMPROMISE: meet somewhere in the vast middle ground between you. Many people have suggested the 1.3-1.5 range offers you what you claim to want.

After 7 pages of this, I am beginning to think you are only about status and show, and only want one particular thing, and god dammit why won't your husband get with the program already. You have many, many highly desirable and enviable options. I'm still not quite sure why this is a dilemma.

The problem is - she is right and he is wrong. By every possible estimate, they can afford 1.7 mil.

That may, in fact, be true. But just because you can do something doesn't mean you should, or that you have to. In the absence of any real data, I don't think there is any way she can just by sheer force of will convince him. Well, actually if she's a big enough bitch she can wear him down until he gives in, but for god's sake why not acquire some data points to back up your position that you NEED to buy a 1.7M house?

We are looking at 600k range and I can definitively see how I would need 1.7mil. If you want to be in the city (or very close to it), have separate bedrooms for all children, a two-car garage and a nice yard, you are already there. In areas with lower COL, everyone buys houses like that.

Exactly, I'm glad someone other than me can see this. There are many sacrifices with a job as demanding and high-paying as his, so I would like to enjoy some of the benefits that come along with a high salary, keeping in mid the things he values (short commute, keeping a hefty amount of savings in the bank etc.).

[Anonymous]

I would add to 15:19's post that maybe he doesn't want to work this hard forever. My husband makes $500K+ but just turned 40 and has told me in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want to work 12+ hour days fighting over money with assholes after he's 50. That's why we're staying in our smaller $850K house inside the beltway where we've been for ten years instead of looking to trade up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I read this entire thread and I see why it is not helpful to you. You are looking for help with conflict resolution, but you need to ask a question, why this conflict exists in the first place.

There are two reasons I can see why DH is so super fiscally conservative and you need to look at it and solve this problem first:

1) His income is not as secure as you think, so while you think you can count on it, he knows something that tells him it's not so. You need to have a long honest talk with him, maybe he is not telling you something or doesn't feel comfortable. You need to use this information in helping you make a decision. Can you afford your dream house on just your income, is this going to be easy for him to find a job with such a high pay again?

2) He came from lower income family or a family that has lost everything and he was traumatized by this growing up. This can make him unnaturally risk averse and unwilling to spend even the amount most people would agree you could easily afford. If he is very frugal and risk averse, the key to convincing him is to prepare a solid backup plan and prove to him that even if you both lose jobs or lose significant portion of the income, you will be able to afford your home, or sell it, recovering costs, etc. You need to make him feel secure, because his mind is not comprehending this and he is anxious.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. To answer your reasons, I can say this. His income is COMPLETELY secure. If he chooses to take an 80% pay cut, that will be totally his choice, think moving from private to public sectors. He is supremely employable, so what he choses is his decision.

He did not come from a low SES family nor did they lose everything. He is just conservative. I'm fine using a chunk of savings now- think $200K out of $800K is perfectly fine to take out and put down om my dream home, he doesn't. I do want to enjoy the fruits of our labor now, make my life easier now, and not only save for later, we still have PLENTY of cushion for later.

OP, do you want to figure out how to reach a compromise that you both can live with? Or do you want help convincing him that you're right and he's wrong?