Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread. I dealt with this myself. DH was having an EA. I did not confront the other woman - she actually approached me. There was nothing physical, she was in an unfulfilling marriage and neither one of them was willing to leave their marriages. Unfortunately, what rekindled our emotional bond (in addition to counseling) was his mother dying.

Two questions for the other DW’s. If a DH has an EA, do you think he is the only one to blame? Meaning – do you think that you, as the DW, has any blame? Second, if DH reveals to you that the reason for the EA was that he felt that you were not supporting him emotionally, would you be willing to step up in that regard?

In my case, I was livid with DH and accused him of stupidly jeopardizing our marriage. In counseling, he revealed that our marriage was in jeopardy long before the EA because he felt that our emotional connection was not important to me. In fact, the reason he said he did not leave is because the EA allowed him some emotional comfort. He would want to vent about work and I was either preoccupied with my job or the kids. He would want to discuss his family issues but, in his mind, I barely seemed interested. So, he would talk to his “friend” and she would offer comfort, kind words and advice. And I found out that she knew things going on with his parents that I did not even know (like his mother’s initial diagnosis). In counseling, he was forced to face the fact that he was wrong for not forcing the issue with me and being honest. But I was also forced to face the fact that I was taking his emotional needs for granted. Honestly, it would have been easier to “villianize” him had he slept with the woman.

I'm the wife of a DH who had an EA. Absolutely there were major problems in the marriage before the EA. But we both contributed to those problems. I didn't "cause" an EA anymore than if he had developed a drinking problem to cope it would have been my fault. Through working on things he has owned up to what he did wrong (for one, he is extremely passive aggressive. Has withheld sex before, affection, has held on to resentments instead of communicating, when things are bad he will lie about working late etc. just to stay away from the house instead of DEALING with them). The EA was one more way not to deal he fully admitted. Rather than come to me with problems he went to her. Not smart and almost cost him his marriage.

I definitely contributed to marriage problems for sure but this was not the solution. This only made things worse and made recovery much, much harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread. I dealt with this myself. DH was having an EA. I did not confront the other woman - she actually approached me. There was nothing physical, she was in an unfulfilling marriage and neither one of them was willing to leave their marriages. Unfortunately, what rekindled our emotional bond (in addition to counseling) was his mother dying.

Two questions for the other DW’s. If a DH has an EA, do you think he is the only one to blame? Meaning – do you think that you, as the DW, has any blame? Second, if DH reveals to you that the reason for the EA was that he felt that you were not supporting him emotionally, would you be willing to step up in that regard?

In my case, I was livid with DH and accused him of stupidly jeopardizing our marriage. In counseling, he revealed that our marriage was in jeopardy long before the EA because he felt that our emotional connection was not important to me. In fact, the reason he said he did not leave is because the EA allowed him some emotional comfort. He would want to vent about work and I was either preoccupied with my job or the kids. He would want to discuss his family issues but, in his mind, I barely seemed interested. So, he would talk to his “friend” and she would offer comfort, kind words and advice. And I found out that she knew things going on with his parents that I did not even know (like his mother’s initial diagnosis). In counseling, he was forced to face the fact that he was wrong for not forcing the issue with me and being honest. But I was also forced to face the fact that I was taking his emotional needs for granted. Honestly, it would have been easier to “villianize” him had he slept with the woman.

I'm the wife of a DH who had an EA. Absolutely there were major problems in the marriage before the EA. But we both contributed to those problems. I didn't "cause" an EA anymore than if he had developed a drinking problem to cope it would have been my fault. Through working on things he has owned up to what he did wrong (for one, he is extremely passive aggressive. Has withheld sex before, affection, has held on to resentments instead of communicating, when things are bad he will lie about working late etc. just to stay away from the house instead of DEALING with them). The EA was one more way not to deal he fully admitted. Rather than come to me with problems he went to her. Not smart and almost cost him his marriage.

I definitely contributed to marriage problems for sure but this was not the solution. This only made things worse and made recovery much, much harder.

I just posted and want to reiterate that I really relate to your post, all of it. We both really took each other for granted. It is easy to do with careers and kids etc. Not an excuse but that is how it got so far gone before we dealt with things.

You can't work on a marriage by just blaming one person, totally agree. But the EA was just so damn hurtful. Just such a betrayal. How are you guys now?

[Anonymous]

I am a DH who could not agree more with the pp. You could say that I had an EA with a woman at work and my wife always suspected and then confronted me. I have never seen anger directed at me like she proceeded to do. We took each other for granted and it is easy for that to happen.

We are doing better now and would like to think we are on a good road moving forward. What I will add is that with more women in the workforce, it is so much easier for an EA to happen than during my father's time. For me, the woman was divorced with a daughter older than mine. So I would ask her for parenting advice and then as we got to know each other better, she would talk about how disappointed she was with meeting men. Then I would give her advice on that and next thing you know, I am looking forward to every interaction with her at work. But the point is, an EA is a fantasy world. The other woman is not the one you are arguing with about money or who is going to take out the garbage so of course she is more sexy, sophisticated, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread. I dealt with this myself. DH was having an EA. I did not confront the other woman - she actually approached me. There was nothing physical, she was in an unfulfilling marriage and neither one of them was willing to leave their marriages. Unfortunately, what rekindled our emotional bond (in addition to counseling) was his mother dying.

Two questions for the other DW’s. If a DH has an EA, do you think he is the only one to blame? Meaning – do you think that you, as the DW, has any blame? Second, if DH reveals to you that the reason for the EA was that he felt that you were not supporting him emotionally, would you be willing to step up in that regard?

In my case, I was livid with DH and accused him of stupidly jeopardizing our marriage. In counseling, he revealed that our marriage was in jeopardy long before the EA because he felt that our emotional connection was not important to me. In fact, the reason he said he did not leave is because the EA allowed him some emotional comfort. He would want to vent about work and I was either preoccupied with my job or the kids. He would want to discuss his family issues but, in his mind, I barely seemed interested. So, he would talk to his “friend” and she would offer comfort, kind words and advice. And I found out that she knew things going on with his parents that I did not even know (like his mother’s initial diagnosis). In counseling, he was forced to face the fact that he was wrong for not forcing the issue with me and being honest. But I was also forced to face the fact that I was taking his emotional needs for granted. Honestly, it would have been easier to “villianize” him had he slept with the woman.

I'm the wife of a DH who had an EA. Absolutely there were major problems in the marriage before the EA. But we both contributed to those problems. I didn't "cause" an EA anymore than if he had developed a drinking problem to cope it would have been my fault. Through working on things he has owned up to what he did wrong (for one, he is extremely passive aggressive. Has withheld sex before, affection, has held on to resentments instead of communicating, when things are bad he will lie about working late etc. just to stay away from the house instead of DEALING with them). The EA was one more way not to deal he fully admitted. Rather than come to me with problems he went to her. Not smart and almost cost him his marriage.

I definitely contributed to marriage problems for sure but this was not the solution. This only made things worse and made recovery much, much harder.

I just posted and want to reiterate that I really relate to your post, all of it. We both really took each other for granted. It is easy to do with careers and kids etc. Not an excuse but that is how it got so far gone before we dealt with things.

You can't work on a marriage by just blaming one person, totally agree. But the EA was just so damn hurtful. Just such a betrayal. How are you guys now?

PP here. I hear you. I felt betrayed as well and violated that another woman knew the inner thoughts and feelings of my DH. Like I said, if he had sexed the woman, I could have painted him as a horn dog and played the victim. But if a person emotionally strays (and because it is normally the DW who feels emotionally neglected), that means that one basic bedrock of the marriage is damaged. What we had was benign neglect that caused us to drift into other spaces. I became more engrossed in the kids and work and he had the EA.

We are better now - but still a work in progress. Our counselor is trying to get us to recapture the things that connected us before kids. Life gets in the way, but if your only "connection" is the kids, you are in a world of trouble. It is tough because it forces us to look at our own issues and not play the victim (which is human nature).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread. I dealt with this myself. DH was having an EA. I did not confront the other woman - she actually approached me. There was nothing physical, she was in an unfulfilling marriage and neither one of them was willing to leave their marriages. Unfortunately, what rekindled our emotional bond (in addition to counseling) was his mother dying.

Two questions for the other DW’s. If a DH has an EA, do you think he is the only one to blame? Meaning – do you think that you, as the DW, has any blame? Second, if DH reveals to you that the reason for the EA was that he felt that you were not supporting him emotionally, would you be willing to step up in that regard?

In my case, I was livid with DH and accused him of stupidly jeopardizing our marriage. In counseling, he revealed that our marriage was in jeopardy long before the EA because he felt that our emotional connection was not important to me. In fact, the reason he said he did not leave is because the EA allowed him some emotional comfort. He would want to vent about work and I was either preoccupied with my job or the kids. He would want to discuss his family issues but, in his mind, I barely seemed interested. So, he would talk to his “friend” and she would offer comfort, kind words and advice. And I found out that she knew things going on with his parents that I did not even know (like his mother’s initial diagnosis). In counseling, he was forced to face the fact that he was wrong for not forcing the issue with me and being honest. But I was also forced to face the fact that I was taking his emotional needs for granted. Honestly, it would have been easier to “villianize” him had he slept with the woman.

I'm the wife of a DH who had an EA. Absolutely there were major problems in the marriage before the EA. But we both contributed to those problems. I didn't "cause" an EA anymore than if he had developed a drinking problem to cope it would have been my fault. Through working on things he has owned up to what he did wrong (for one, he is extremely passive aggressive. Has withheld sex before, affection, has held on to resentments instead of communicating, when things are bad he will lie about working late etc. just to stay away from the house instead of DEALING with them). The EA was one more way not to deal he fully admitted. Rather than come to me with problems he went to her. Not smart and almost cost him his marriage.

I definitely contributed to marriage problems for sure but this was not the solution. This only made things worse and made recovery much, much harder.

I just posted and want to reiterate that I really relate to your post, all of it. We both really took each other for granted. It is easy to do with careers and kids etc. Not an excuse but that is how it got so far gone before we dealt with things.

You can't work on a marriage by just blaming one person, totally agree. But the EA was just so damn hurtful. Just such a betrayal. How are you guys now?

PP here. I hear you. I felt betrayed as well and violated that another woman knew the inner thoughts and feelings of my DH. Like I said, if he had sexed the woman, I could have painted him as a horn dog and played the victim. But if a person emotionally strays (and because it is normally the DW who feels emotionally neglected), that means that one basic bedrock of the marriage is damaged. What we had was benign neglect that caused us to drift into other spaces. I became more engrossed in the kids and work and he had the EA.

We are better now - but still a work in progress. Our counselor is trying to get us to recapture the things that connected us before kids. Life gets in the way, but if your only "connection" is the kids, you are in a world of trouble. It is tough because it forces us to look at our own issues and not play the victim (which is human nature).

Thanks. So true. What is interesting to me is that it is so tempting to play the victim, but once you actually take responsiblity for your part in the crumbling marriage, it is actually easier - you don't feel like a victim. It's odd how we fight the best things for us sometimes.

That said as I noted before, I refused to take responsibility for the EA, and instead took responsiblity for my part in the crumbling marriage. I'm attractive and also work out of the home and opportunities to cross the line in that way are all around me. I know two men who like to compare me to their wives and I just refused to play that game, because they see me in the "bubble" like the DH PP mentioned, and not in real life. One good thing about the EA was that it made me realize my self worth. Despite DH's taking me for granted, I did not seek validation elsewhere.

Anyway, good luck - it sounds like you guys are on a good track. We are improving as well and counseling is helping. Thank you for sharing some of your experience!

[Anonymous]

I posted about my DH's EA. Nope, I was not withholding. Our marriage was happy, and HE is the first person to say that. He never felt that he was falling out of love with me. He never thought that he was unhappy or unfulfilled in our relationship. He thought he was giving advice to his "good friend" and helping her make decisions about her life.

Look, all marriages have issues, some major and some minor. My DH's biggest problem was, in the end, alcoholism. He has been sober since shortly after admitting that his relationship had crossed an emotional line.

I have said before and will say it again: unhappy marriages don't cause affairs. But affairs cause unhappy marriages. And many people who cheat do so for selfish reasons, and only start to claim unhappiness in the marriage when they are well on their way to having an affair.

[Anonymous]

OP have you reached out to talk with anyone about this or made a decision to confront him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my DH's EA. Nope, I was not withholding. Our marriage was happy, and HE is the first person to say that. He never felt that he was falling out of love with me. He never thought that he was unhappy or unfulfilled in our relationship. He thought he was giving advice to his "good friend" and helping her make decisions about her life.

Look, all marriages have issues, some major and some minor. My DH's biggest problem was, in the end, alcoholism. He has been sober since shortly after admitting that his relationship had crossed an emotional line.

I have said before and will say it again: unhappy marriages don't cause affairs. But affairs cause unhappy marriages. And many people who cheat do so for selfish reasons, and only start to claim unhappiness in the marriage when they are well on their way to having an affair.

I'm a wife who husband had an EA and we were not in a great spot before the EA, but I totally agree with you. The research supports what you say about happy marriages being at risk for affairs. Even in our case, where the marriage had problems before , the EA was about him, not our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my DH's EA. Nope, I was not withholding. Our marriage was happy, and HE is the first person to say that. He never felt that he was falling out of love with me. He never thought that he was unhappy or unfulfilled in our relationship. He thought he was giving advice to his "good friend" and helping her make decisions about her life.

Look, all marriages have issues, some major and some minor. My DH's biggest problem was, in the end, alcoholism. He has been sober since shortly after admitting that his relationship had crossed an emotional line.

I have said before and will say it again: unhappy marriages don't cause affairs. But affairs cause unhappy marriages. And many people who cheat do so for selfish reasons, and only start to claim unhappiness in the marriage when they are well on their way to having an affair.

PP here. No offense but those are the statements of a person who would not acknowledge her role in a crumbling marriage even if alcoholism wasn’t a factor! Unhappy marriages do not cause affairs, but it is naïve to think that they are always unrelated. Why else would a lot of people head down that road if everything was right at home? Sure, some folks would cheat anyways, but would people in a truly happy marriage risk it absent addiction or emotional issues? Sure, EVERYONE who cheats does so for selfish reasons and most of the time it is because of a perceived lack of something at home. We can argue about whether that perceived lack is BS justification, but most people who have EA or physical affairs can give you some justification for it. In my case, I saw that, although my DH was dead azz wrong, both of us had contributed to the decline of the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP have you reached out to talk with anyone about this or made a decision to confront him?

I am the OP. I have confronted my dh a handful of times since I found out 2 months ago. He insists that they are just friends and I am just jealous; he says he is trying to help her with her failed relationship with her prior boyfriend. He feels sorry for her because she is divorced, lonely, and didn't get a cent from her ex-husband.

There was sexual context in their prior discussion, too. This 2nd time that I read their chat, there was additional content. They discuss her ex-boyfriend and the EA and my dh just added random comments about "giving you a good fuck sometime" and "lick your body".

Every 2-4 days, I am on this emotional roller coaster. I feel fine one day and then the next, I am so teary, like yesterday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted about my DH's EA. Nope, I was not withholding. Our marriage was happy, and HE is the first person to say that. He never felt that he was falling out of love with me. He never thought that he was unhappy or unfulfilled in our relationship. He thought he was giving advice to his "good friend" and helping her make decisions about her life.

Look, all marriages have issues, some major and some minor. My DH's biggest problem was, in the end, alcoholism. He has been sober since shortly after admitting that his relationship had crossed an emotional line.

I have said before and will say it again: unhappy marriages don't cause affairs. But affairs cause unhappy marriages. And many people who cheat do so for selfish reasons, and only start to claim unhappiness in the marriage when they are well on their way to having an affair.

PP here. No offense but those are the statements of a person who would not acknowledge her role in a crumbling marriage even if alcoholism wasn’t a factor! Unhappy marriages do not cause affairs, but it is naïve to think that they are always unrelated. Why else would a lot of people head down that road if everything was right at home? Sure, some folks would cheat anyways, but would people in a truly happy marriage risk it absent addiction or emotional issues? Sure, EVERYONE who cheats does so for selfish reasons and most of the time it is because of a perceived lack of something at home. We can argue about whether that perceived lack is BS justification, but most people who have EA or physical affairs can give you some justification for it. In my case, I saw that, although my DH was dead azz wrong, both of us had contributed to the decline of the marriage.

There are studies that show that this is not true. Men who are happy at home and men who are not happy at home have affairs at the same rate. It is pure statistics. There is no coorelation between being unhappy and having an affair - this is for men only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you reached out to talk with anyone about this or made a decision to confront him?

I am the OP. I have confronted my dh a handful of times since I found out 2 months ago. He insists that they are just friends and I am just jealous; he says he is trying to help her with her failed relationship with her prior boyfriend. He feels sorry for her because she is divorced, lonely, and didn't get a cent from her ex-husband.

There was sexual context in their prior discussion, too. This 2nd time that I read their chat, there was additional content. They discuss her ex-boyfriend and the EA and my dh just added random comments about "giving you a good fuck sometime" and "lick your body".

Every 2-4 days, I am on this emotional roller coaster. I feel fine one day and then the next, I am so teary, like yesterday.

Pp here...yes I read about you seeing the sexual posts. What is your plan? I know its difficult and you are processing this but you gotta get yourself together and figure out what to do. If you dont you will get more depressed and and/ or angry and everything will get out of control.

You also need to bite this in the ass now because it sounds like he might be getting physical with her.

Can you make copies or forward the chats to yourself? When and how do you want to confront him? Have you been able to confide in a friend. I know its hard but you gotta start to think of a plan!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you reached out to talk with anyone about this or made a decision to confront him?

I am the OP. I have confronted my dh a handful of times since I found out 2 months ago. He insists that they are just friends and I am just jealous; he says he is trying to help her with her failed relationship with her prior boyfriend. He feels sorry for her because she is divorced, lonely, and didn't get a cent from her ex-husband.

There was sexual context in their prior discussion, too. This 2nd time that I read their chat, there was additional content. They discuss her ex-boyfriend and the EA and my dh just added random comments about "giving you a good fuck sometime" and "lick your body".

Every 2-4 days, I am on this emotional roller coaster. I feel fine one day and then the next, I am so teary, like yesterday.

Print the email - take it to a lawyer and you can have him out of the house pronto. I am not saying you will never let him back but in the eyes of the law this is an affair and he can not live in the family home while he is having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you reached out to talk with anyone about this or made a decision to confront him?

I am the OP. I have confronted my dh a handful of times since I found out 2 months ago. He insists that they are just friends and I am just jealous; he says he is trying to help her with her failed relationship with her prior boyfriend. He feels sorry for her because she is divorced, lonely, and didn't get a cent from her ex-husband.

There was sexual context in their prior discussion, too. This 2nd time that I read their chat, there was additional content. They discuss her ex-boyfriend and the EA and my dh just added random comments about "giving you a good fuck sometime" and "lick your body".

Every 2-4 days, I am on this emotional roller coaster. I feel fine one day and then the next, I am so teary, like yesterday.

Pp here...yes I read about you seeing the sexual posts. What is your plan? I know its difficult and you are processing this but you gotta get yourself together and figure out what to do. If you dont you will get more depressed and and/ or angry and everything will get out of control.

You also need to bite this in the ass now because it sounds like he might be getting physical with her.

Can you make copies or forward the chats to yourself? When and how do you want to confront him? Have you been able to confide in a friend. I know its hard but you gotta start to think of a plan!

I have a copy of the first chat but not the second. I have confided in a former co-worker whose husband also cheated on her last year.

He says he needs a social life. I said, I'm fine with him having a social life but not with the EA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you reached out to talk with anyone about this or made a decision to confront him?

I am the OP. I have confronted my dh a handful of times since I found out 2 months ago. He insists that they are just friends and I am just jealous; he says he is trying to help her with her failed relationship with her prior boyfriend. He feels sorry for her because she is divorced, lonely, and didn't get a cent from her ex-husband.

There was sexual context in their prior discussion, too. This 2nd time that I read their chat, there was additional content. They discuss her ex-boyfriend and the EA and my dh just added random comments about "giving you a good fuck sometime" and "lick your body".

Every 2-4 days, I am on this emotional roller coaster. I feel fine one day and then the next, I am so teary, like yesterday.

Pp here...yes I read about you seeing the sexual posts. What is your plan? I know its difficult and you are processing this but you gotta get yourself together and figure out what to do. If you dont you will get more depressed and and/ or angry and everything will get out of control.

You also need to bite this in the ass now because it sounds like he might be getting physical with her.

Can you make copies or forward the chats to yourself? When and how do you want to confront him? Have you been able to confide in a friend. I know its hard but you gotta start to think of a plan!

I have a copy of the first chat but not the second. I have confided in a former co-worker whose husband also cheated on her last year.

He says he needs a social life. I said, I'm fine with him having a social life but not with the EA.

Is there a way to forward chats from Skype?