My DH regrets having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

Mother of teens here. I agree with every word above. I love my kids, but parenthood is a huge responsibility and the end of our freedom. I would never try to change the mind of someone who chose not have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks for this, 13:46. I have a 1yo and a 3yo, so we are definitely at the "worst of it" according to others with older kids. And we did have kids "young" (for the DC area) - we're both 29 now. It's just with all the work I put into the kids and into organizing our life, etc, it's hurtful to have someone say that it's not worth it and I'm heartbroken that I have children who essentially are not wanted by their father because he'd rather be out at a bar than spending time with them - won't they feel that at some point if they don't already? I want to yell at him GROW UP AND GET OVER IT.

Who told you things are peak worst with a 1 yo and 3 yo? Buckle up, buttercup. Things have only just begun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

OMG. Dying. This is hilarious - and probably close to the right response.

OP, I get why you feel like this when your husband says this, but I really think you can't take it personally. Don't sweat the small stuff like him being on his phone while he gives them a bath - HE IS GIVING THEM A BATH. You don't complain that he's not pulling his weight and refuses to be involved.

Can you leave the kids with grandparents or a babysitter and get away together for a long weekend? Doing that a few times a year might be just the break you need. Or better yet, encourage him to do a guy's weekend.

We need to stop praising men for doing their fatherly duties. They don’t deserve medals. He isn’t doing her any favors; he’s SUPPOSED to be doing these things for his kids, but he’s doing them halfheartedly. His children are still young enough to be too wild in the bathtub and injure themselves. ‘Pulling your weight’ means you’re focused on the task at hand, not staring at your phone. I’m glad OP gave him an ultimatum and he’s pulled up his socks. Many men want to act as if they’re another baby.

What strikes you as "toxic", strikes me as "woke."

The bolded text from 9 years ago is so funny, I laughed at that one.

The updated message from now seems so toxic. It's a sign of the changing times isn't it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two young kids and both work full-time and are having a rough time of it - of course. We're exhausted and busy pretty much all the time, but the kids are young, we have a great house, great jobs, two great kids, etc. At the end of the day, even when we've worked all day, and then spent two hours or so trying to get both kids into bed, and everyone's exhausted, I still know that I am happy we made the decision to have kids. My DH on the other hand, says to me frequently that if he knew what he knows now, he would not have had the kids. This is heart breaking to me and is really hurting our relationship. He's fine with the kids - he plays with them and isn't mean or anything, but he's not a great dad and he definitely doesn't enjoying parenting. If I ask him to watch them so I can go out, he complains; if he's giving them a bath, he's on his iPhone while they're bathing instead of playing with them, etc.

I'm really not sure where to go from here. It's killing our relationship - I hardly feel like being intimate with him or even really spending any time with him because it's such a personal hurt to hear pretty much daily how he doesn't like his life with us and wishes he had made different choices. Thoughts? Anyone BTDT? Is this a marriage ending issue? I want him to realize how lucky he is and how awesome they are.

Well, at least her has the self awareness and verbal communication skills to know he doesn’t and tell you. My spouse behaves the same but has aspergers so is an ahole that thinks everyone else is for imposing on him, him, him.

[Anonymous]

My wife loves our 2 DD’s but I think she regrets both getting married and having kids. She is a very self centered person and was never built to be a wife or mother. She would rather be carefree and not have to be responsible for anyone but herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same as your DH.

+1... honestly pretty much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great house. Two Great Jobs. But you are exhausted every day... Maybe you need to give up some of the "great" stuff (not the kids) and get in a more relaxed situation where DH has a little time to do what he likes. Sounds you you are slaves to your lifestyle.

OP here - let me clarify when I say "great house, great jobs" - I mean this in the "be thankful for what you have" sense. Our "great house" is great to us, but I'm sure a lot of DCUM moms wouldn't set foot in it It's 1940s - has some charm, but needs a lot of work, has a 70s porn basement, etc. We all share one bathroom and the kids share a bedroom. But it works great for us and we love it. And our great jobs are typical 9-5 Federal jobs - we make enough to be comfortable, but we make under $200k combined. So it's not like we're working our butts off in high-paying jobs to live in a McMansion.

You’re 29; under 200k combined is just fine.

[Anonymous]

You say he “isn’t a good dad.” Is it possible he’s internalized this (either because it doesn’t come naturally to him in this stage of your kids’ development, or because he’s picking up on the fact that you feel this way, and that you are judging his parenting). If so, you definitely need to communicate better, and more positively. Or is it more about the fact that he can’t go out to the bar whenever he pleases?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:for those who don't yet have kids: (from the 13:46 PP)

There are certain things nobody really tells you about having kids. You have to discover it on your own. The big untold truth is that there is a lot of drudge work involved. It is not all fairy tales and moonbeams, no matter how much you wanted kids or how long you spent trying or how much you love your kids. Sometimes parts of parenthood gets really old. Like watching Barney makes me want to stab myself. When my daughter is sick she is super-whiny and needy. Sometimes I feel bad for her and sometimes I just want her to stop whining. Sometimes I am so tired that I could fall asleep standing up, and I was always someone who could survive on 4-5 hours, but parenthood can take you to a new level of exhaustion. That can really affect how you look at things. And you can feel like a real d-bag admitting you aren't always thrilled about parenthood.

The bad things about having kids are very easy to quantify, which is why you hear people complaining about them. The good things about having kids are very difficult to quantify. It is really hard to convey just how amazing it is when your child smiles at you for the first time and it isn't gas. Or when she says "mama" and she means you. Or when she runs to you at daycare pickup because she is so excited to see you. Or the first time she says "i love you" without being prompted. Or realizing that you've created your own little mini-me, complete with the nose you hate and the stubbornness you could do without. I love my daughter more than I ever could have imagined, but I do have my days where I'm thinking, "damnit, just get in the CAR already! can I be at work on time for ONCE??"

+1000 nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

OMG. Dying. This is hilarious - and probably close to the right response.

OP, I get why you feel like this when your husband says this, but I really think you can't take it personally. Don't sweat the small stuff like him being on his phone while he gives them a bath - HE IS GIVING THEM A BATH. You don't complain that he's not pulling his weight and refuses to be involved.

Can you leave the kids with grandparents or a babysitter and get away together for a long weekend? Doing that a few times a year might be just the break you need. Or better yet, encourage him to do a guy's weekend.

We need to stop praising men for doing their fatherly duties. They don’t deserve medals. He isn’t doing her any favors; he’s SUPPOSED to be doing these things for his kids, but he’s doing them halfheartedly. His children are still young enough to be too wild in the bathtub and injure themselves. ‘Pulling your weight’ means you’re focused on the task at hand, not staring at your phone. I’m glad OP gave him an ultimatum and he’s pulled up his socks. Many men want to act as if they’re another baby.

The bolded text from 9 years ago is so funny, I laughed at that one.

The updated message from now seems so toxic. It's a sign of the changing times isn't it.

You’re just old.

No I agree with that men should be involved in raising their children and most men I know are. But do we need to use language like 'they don't deserve medals' and 'act like another baby'.

It's funny because women are the ones on social media with all those memes about motherhood, constantly going on about the sacrifice they make, wanting to be recognised for all the hard work they do in raising their children.

So what you are saying is women don't deserve a medal for motherhood. Glad we are finally woke to realise it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

OMG. Dying. This is hilarious - and probably close to the right response.

OP, I get why you feel like this when your husband says this, but I really think you can't take it personally. Don't sweat the small stuff like him being on his phone while he gives them a bath - HE IS GIVING THEM A BATH. You don't complain that he's not pulling his weight and refuses to be involved.

Can you leave the kids with grandparents or a babysitter and get away together for a long weekend? Doing that a few times a year might be just the break you need. Or better yet, encourage him to do a guy's weekend.

We need to stop praising men for doing their fatherly duties. They don’t deserve medals. He isn’t doing her any favors; he’s SUPPOSED to be doing these things for his kids, but he’s doing them halfheartedly. His children are still young enough to be too wild in the bathtub and injure themselves. ‘Pulling your weight’ means you’re focused on the task at hand, not staring at your phone. I’m glad OP gave him an ultimatum and he’s pulled up his socks. Many men want to act as if they’re another baby.

What strikes you as "toxic", strikes me as "woke."

The bolded text from 9 years ago is so funny, I laughed at that one.

The updated message from now seems so toxic. It's a sign of the changing times isn't it.

Woke hey, calling men babies. So if men don't deserve medals for taking care of their children. Neither do women. That's enough of hearing how strong women are for simply raising children. We need to stop praising women also for simply taking care of their kids.

Woke enough for you.

[Anonymous]

This is from 2011. OP would be in her mid to late 30s and have a 12 and 10 year old. I wonder how the years treated her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

lol lol lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

OMG. Dying. This is hilarious - and probably close to the right response.

OP, I get why you feel like this when your husband says this, but I really think you can't take it personally. Don't sweat the small stuff like him being on his phone while he gives them a bath - HE IS GIVING THEM A BATH. You don't complain that he's not pulling his weight and refuses to be involved.

Can you leave the kids with grandparents or a babysitter and get away together for a long weekend? Doing that a few times a year might be just the break you need. Or better yet, encourage him to do a guy's weekend.

We need to stop praising men for doing their fatherly duties. They don’t deserve medals. He isn’t doing her any favors; he’s SUPPOSED to be doing these things for his kids, but he’s doing them halfheartedly. His children are still young enough to be too wild in the bathtub and injure themselves. ‘Pulling your weight’ means you’re focused on the task at hand, not staring at your phone. I’m glad OP gave him an ultimatum and he’s pulled up his socks. Many men want to act as if they’re another baby.

The bolded text from 9 years ago is so funny, I laughed at that one.

The updated message from now seems so toxic. It's a sign of the changing times isn't it.

You’re just old.

No I agree with that men should be involved in raising their children and most men I know are. But do we need to use language like 'they don't deserve medals' and 'act like another baby'.

It's funny because women are the ones on social media with all those memes about motherhood, constantly going on about the sacrifice they make, wanting to be recognised for all the hard work they do in raising their children.

So what you are saying is women don't deserve a medal for motherhood. Glad we are finally woke to realise it.

Did I say women should get medals? My point was that people (usually women) gush over men who take care of the kids/homes as if they’re special for doing these things. No-one is special for behaving like the adult they’re supposed to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another father here. Anyone in their right mind regrets having kids. It is a relentless nightmare.
I agree that there is not point complaining about it though. You can't push the shit back into the horse, as they say.
Next time he complains just point out that it is only a few more decades before the sweet release of death. Until then he just has to suck it up like the rest of us.

OMG. Dying. This is hilarious - and probably close to the right response.

OP, I get why you feel like this when your husband says this, but I really think you can't take it personally. Don't sweat the small stuff like him being on his phone while he gives them a bath - HE IS GIVING THEM A BATH. You don't complain that he's not pulling his weight and refuses to be involved.

Can you leave the kids with grandparents or a babysitter and get away together for a long weekend? Doing that a few times a year might be just the break you need. Or better yet, encourage him to do a guy's weekend.

We need to stop praising men for doing their fatherly duties. They don’t deserve medals. He isn’t doing her any favors; he’s SUPPOSED to be doing these things for his kids, but he’s doing them halfheartedly. His children are still young enough to be too wild in the bathtub and injure themselves. ‘Pulling your weight’ means you’re focused on the task at hand, not staring at your phone. I’m glad OP gave him an ultimatum and he’s pulled up his socks. Many men want to act as if they’re another baby.

What strikes you as "toxic", strikes me as "woke."

The bolded text from 9 years ago is so funny, I laughed at that one.

The updated message from now seems so toxic. It's a sign of the changing times isn't it.

Woke hey, calling men babies. So if men don't deserve medals for taking care of their children. Neither do women. That's enough of hearing how strong women are for simply raising children. We need to stop praising women also for simply taking care of their kids.

Woke enough for you.

You’re talking nonsense. I’ve never known any woman who was praised for child rearing. No-one deserves a medal here. And yes, some men need to put on their big boy pants and grow the F up.