Am I out of line? Refusing to host ILs for Xmas?

[Anonymous]

How in the world does it take you a week to plan menus and make reservations? This is 2 hours TOPS.

And did you really just complain about refilling glasses? Is that hard or even necessary? Just pass that 4 second chore off to guests..." here is the bar/bottle/pitcher/ water..help yourself when you need a refill"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a pretty demanding job and has to hustle before holidays to make up work when, like for Thanksgiving, his office will be closed Thursday and Friday. On the other hand, I don’t work most holiday weeks. Because of that, I do the majority of the preparation for hosting. This year we hosted ILs. I spend the week before planning menus and making dinner reservations, the weekend shopping with DH for most of the food, Monday and Tuesday cleaning the house and preparing for guests, and running out for last minute things. I also did 50% of the cooking, serving, refilling of glasses, making sure toilet paper was stocked and trashed bags not overflowing, etc.

On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. Before she left on Saturday, she let him (and by extension me) know that she has never felt like she is welcome in our home. I was gobsmacked but DH attempted to placate her before they left.

We are supposed to host them again for Christmas and I don’t think I want to anymore, after that comment. I think the comment was more to hurt DH, and they didn’t think of the implications it meant for me, who they know does the bulk of the planning and preparation for their visit, not to mention the hospitality. To say they have never felt welcome here is a smack in the face, and I told DH as much. I’m calmer now and have had time to think and yeah, I don’t want them in my house again this month, and no, a forced apology won’t help.

Am I out of line? I’m going to speak to DH tonight based off of what you all think.

You seem super sensitive and low production.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another take. I was hosted for the holidays. I know the hosts put a lot of work into to it and I thanked them. From the time I got there till I left the only time anyone really spoke to me was at dinner. It was the person seated next to me. I tried making conversation and after a couple minutes, hosts would move on to spend their time with their friends. There were 8 people there.
Although I appreciate the invite I really didn’t feel welcomed.

And did you say this to your host's face? If you didn't, your little story is off-topic.

How is it off topic? Just The because host cleaned, cooked, etc. doesn’t mean they made and effort to make the guest feel welcomed. Did OP engage with MIL or was she busy doing other things and ignoring her. And so MIL “used her words” to tell her son or daughter in law how she feels. And now she is getting kicked to the curb.

NP and I think PP said it well. Is it better for her not to express that she felt unwelcome, if she genuinely did feel unwelcome? And you’re going to keep your kids from seeing their grandparents at Xmas for this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think it's just the one troll that keeps posting like a moron.

The rest of us know very well that OP should disinvite the in-laws.

I’m not a troll, and I’m not a MIL, and I think OP would be overreacting to disinvite the in laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a pretty demanding job and has to hustle before holidays to make up work when, like for Thanksgiving, his office will be closed Thursday and Friday. On the other hand, I don’t work most holiday weeks. Because of that, I do the majority of the preparation for hosting. This year we hosted ILs. I spend the week before planning menus and making dinner reservations, the weekend shopping with DH for most of the food, Monday and Tuesday cleaning the house and preparing for guests, and running out for last minute things. I also did 50% of the cooking, serving, refilling of glasses, making sure toilet paper was stocked and trashed bags not overflowing, etc.

On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. Before she left on Saturday, she let him (and by extension me) know that she has never felt like she is welcome in our home. I was gobsmacked but DH attempted to placate her before they left.

We are supposed to host them again for Christmas and I don’t think I want to anymore, after that comment. I think the comment was more to hurt DH, and they didn’t think of the implications it meant for me, who they know does the bulk of the planning and preparation for their visit, not to mention the hospitality. To say they have never felt welcome here is a smack in the face, and I told DH as much. I’m calmer now and have had time to think and yeah, I don’t want them in my house again this month, and no, a forced apology won’t help.

Am I out of line? I’m going to speak to DH tonight based off of what you all think.

This might be the worst plan in the history of plans.

[Anonymous]

You and DH are fine. You kindly invited and hosted his relatives for the holiday. Meanwhile, MIL appears to have missed her calling as a soap opera actress. Good on you both for not giving in to her antics.

Take a deep breath and a few days to consider what will work best for Christmas. Nothing is set in stone, but if MIL can’t tone down her rancor, you both are under no obligation to continue hosting her at your home for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a pretty demanding job and has to hustle before holidays to make up work when, like for Thanksgiving, his office will be closed Thursday and Friday. On the other hand, I don’t work most holiday weeks. Because of that, I do the majority of the preparation for hosting. This year we hosted ILs. I spend the week before planning menus and making dinner reservations, the weekend shopping with DH for most of the food, Monday and Tuesday cleaning the house and preparing for guests, and running out for last minute things. I also did 50% of the cooking, serving, refilling of glasses, making sure toilet paper was stocked and trashed bags not overflowing, etc.

On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. Before she left on Saturday, she let him (and by extension me) know that she has never felt like she is welcome in our home. I was gobsmacked but DH attempted to placate her before they left.

We are supposed to host them again for Christmas and I don’t think I want to anymore, after that comment. I think the comment was more to hurt DH, and they didn’t think of the implications it meant for me, who they know does the bulk of the planning and preparation for their visit, not to mention the hospitality. To say they have never felt welcome here is a smack in the face, and I told DH as much. I’m calmer now and have had time to think and yeah, I don’t want them in my house again this month, and no, a forced apology won’t help.

Am I out of line? I’m going to speak to DH tonight based off of what you all think.

You seem super sensitive and low production.

Which, if true, is another amazing reason OP should not host demanding and argumentative guests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think it's just the one troll that keeps posting like a moron.

The rest of us know very well that OP should disinvite the in-laws.

I’m not a troll, and I’m not a MIL, and I think OP would be overreacting to disinvite the in laws.

You’re the same one as on the last thread saying grandparents are forever invited no matter what burden they place on their host. Its tedious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you said, this was directed at your husband and not you. The woman made a mistake. Haven’t you ever? You’re being a baby.

Agreed - she felt hurt and offended that her son "shut her down," and was rude to him, but so was "shutting her down" in the first place. This has nothing to do with OP's cooking, but the treatment that MIL feels she receives.

Why do we care about the treatment MIL feels she receives more than the treatment OP receives?

Multiple people have pointed out that MILs comment had nothing to do with OP. I could care less about how MIL is or isn’t treated, but if op wants to escalate the situation based on taking this particular comment personally, then she should own the fact that she is the one going nuclear.

It’s not just the comment, IMO its also the fighting with her son while she’s a guest. This isn’t how functional people act when they’re guests in someones home and its absolutely rude to the hostess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How in the world does it take you a week to plan menus and make reservations? This is 2 hours TOPS.

And did you really just complain about refilling glasses? Is that hard or even necessary? Just pass that 4 second chore off to guests..." here is the bar/bottle/pitcher/ water..help yourself when you need a refill"

You’re absolutely right. It’s not necessary. This is why she shouldn’t do it for Christmas!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think it's just the one troll that keeps posting like a moron.

The rest of us know very well that OP should disinvite the in-laws.

I’m not a troll, and I’m not a MIL, and I think OP would be overreacting to disinvite the in laws.

So you’re just another entitled, ungrateful houseguest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

Not hosting isn’t confrontational. It’s literally nothing. MIL can offer to host them and show them how it’s done, or else she can figure out Christmas di. We herself.

It is confrontational to disinvite. She can decide not to host next year, but it’s too late this year. Time to tell her husband that she is done doing all the work to get ready for his mother.

Nope, that’s not what confrontational means. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how petty 99 percent of these posters are. Here’s an idea. Call your MIL. Let her know her comments hurt. Find out what’s going on from her perspective See if you can work it out after hearing each other out. If not, then politely let her know you think it’s best you take a break from hosting this year. All of these shrill comments about immediately canceling because of one bad conversation sound so petty and ridiculous to me. Like do these posters have any close relationships with anyone?

Actually I assume that most of us do. We are all functioning adults, though, so we know that making a statement like “I have never felt welcome in your home” is the confrontational, nuclear option.

My parents and ILs can be annoying frequently, but none of them would ever say such a thing.

It sounds to be like some of you are from awful families and should probably pursue some therapy in the new year:

[Anonymous]

You are WAY out of line.

Getting upset about a toilet paper roll? Come on!!
I would love to only be responsible for 50% of the cooking. Why does meal planning take a week?

You are extremely high maintenance and overly dramatic. I can only imagine how your ILs feel when they are there. I bet you do a lot of very heavy loud sighing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How in the world does it take you a week to plan menus and make reservations? This is 2 hours TOPS.

And did you really just complain about refilling glasses? Is that hard or even necessary? Just pass that 4 second chore off to guests..." here is the bar/bottle/pitcher/ water..help yourself when you need a refill"

You’re absolutely right. It’s not necessary. This is why she shouldn’t do it for Christmas!

This is an OP problem not a hosting or IL problem!!