Am I out of line? Refusing to host ILs for Xmas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you said, this was directed at your husband and not you. The woman made a mistake. Haven’t you ever? You’re being a baby.

Agreed - she felt hurt and offended that her son "shut her down," and was rude to him, but so was "shutting her down" in the first place. This has nothing to do with OP's cooking, but the treatment that MIL feels she receives.

This x100. It’s obvious that husband and MIL were bickering and OP took it personally. But perhaps husband could be more patient with his mom and diffuse things overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

No. This is ridiculous. Unless they are in their 90s with dementia. But if they're living alone and driving themselves to and from OP's house from a few hours away, they are not children. OP doesn't have 2 sets of children, one young and one old. I hate this attitude of "well, they are in their late 60s, we should let them be rude to use for the next 30 years"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Cutting someone off isn’t the same as declining to run yourself ragged to host them. IL’s can spend this Christmas reflecting on their actions.

Who told her to run herself ragged hosting?

She explained it really clearly in her original post. Her husband is busy on holiday weeks with work and she is not. So, therefore, the cleaning and shopping and guest room preparing and cooking and decorating all fall to her. I would also be annoyed if I did all those things and I was met with open complaints about not being welcoming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell them "since you've never felt welcome in our home despite everything Lisa and I do for you to prepare for your visits and to make them enjoyable we think it's best you stay elsewhere for the upcoming holidays."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

Not hosting isn’t confrontational. It’s literally nothing. MIL can offer to host them and show them how it’s done, or else she can figure out Christmas di. We herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

+1000000

My kids insulted my Thanksgiving dinner. Should I skip Christmas Eve dinner?

Really your in-laws are like young kids. Once you understand they are simply large children it gets easier.

Actually it sounds like you just have a problem that runs through all generations of your family. You think raising your kids to be ungrateful little shits is normal because you were raised by ungrateful big shits. Judging by your post this shitty behavior didn’t skip a generation.

[Anonymous]

I think it's just the one troll that keeps posting like a moron.

The rest of us know very well that OP should disinvite the in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

Not hosting isn’t confrontational. It’s literally nothing. MIL can offer to host them and show them how it’s done, or else she can figure out Christmas di. We herself.

It is confrontational to disinvite. She can decide not to host next year, but it’s too late this year. Time to tell her husband that she is done doing all the work to get ready for his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you said, this was directed at your husband and not you. The woman made a mistake. Haven’t you ever? You’re being a baby.

Agreed - she felt hurt and offended that her son "shut her down," and was rude to him, but so was "shutting her down" in the first place. This has nothing to do with OP's cooking, but the treatment that MIL feels she receives.

Why do we care about the treatment MIL feels she receives more than the treatment OP receives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

Not hosting isn’t confrontational. It’s literally nothing. MIL can offer to host them and show them how it’s done, or else she can figure out Christmas di. We herself.

It is confrontational to disinvite. She can decide not to host next year, but it’s too late this year. Time to tell her husband that she is done doing all the work to get ready for his mother.

Its not too late. MIL can either cook for herself, make other plans, go on a trip or (the best outcome) reflect on where her choices have gotten her: a lonely Christmas. She can then resolve to do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you said, this was directed at your husband and not you. The woman made a mistake. Haven’t you ever? You’re being a baby.

Agreed - she felt hurt and offended that her son "shut her down," and was rude to him, but so was "shutting her down" in the first place. This has nothing to do with OP's cooking, but the treatment that MIL feels she receives.

Why do we care about the treatment MIL feels she receives more than the treatment OP receives?

Multiple people have pointed out that MILs comment had nothing to do with OP. I could care less about how MIL is or isn’t treated, but if op wants to escalate the situation based on taking this particular comment personally, then she should own the fact that she is the one going nuclear.

[Anonymous]

You see really good at playing the victim.

I'm betting you are a passive aggressive host and made sure your MIL knew just how hard you worked and everything you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you said, this was directed at your husband and not you. The woman made a mistake. Haven’t you ever? You’re being a baby.

Agreed - she felt hurt and offended that her son "shut her down," and was rude to him, but so was "shutting her down" in the first place. This has nothing to do with OP's cooking, but the treatment that MIL feels she receives.

Why do we care about the treatment MIL feels she receives more than the treatment OP receives?

Multiple people have pointed out that MILs comment had nothing to do with OP. I could care less about how MIL is or isn’t treated, but if op wants to escalate the situation based on taking this particular comment personally, then she should own the fact that she is the one going nuclear.

Except that it did have to do with OP. You cant just say stuff like that and assume it doesn't affect other people. OP is well within bounds to refuse to host. And she should not have to communicate that. DH should.

[Anonymous]

Assuming the in-laws headed for home on Sunday, have either of them called to apologize for her statement? Also, what was their disagreement about?

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe how petty 99 percent of these posters are. Here’s an idea. Call your MIL. Let her know her comments hurt. Find out what’s going on from her perspective See if you can work it out after hearing each other out. If not, then politely let her know you think it’s best you take a break from hosting this year. All of these shrill comments about immediately canceling because of one bad conversation sound so petty and ridiculous to me. Like do these posters have any close relationships with anyone?