Am I out of line? Refusing to host ILs for Xmas?

[Anonymous]

Of course you shouldn’t uninvite them over one stupid comment. That’s petty and over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you shouldn’t uninvite them over one stupid comment. That’s petty and over the top.

Can you imagine if the roles were reversed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband works a pretty demanding job and has to hustle before holidays to make up work when, like for Thanksgiving, his office will be closed Thursday and Friday. On the other hand, I don’t work most holiday weeks. Because of that, I do the majority of the preparation for hosting. This year we hosted ILs. I spend the week before planning menus and making dinner reservations, the weekend shopping with DH for most of the food, Monday and Tuesday cleaning the house and preparing for guests, and running out for last minute things. I also did 50% of the cooking, serving, refilling of glasses, making sure toilet paper was stocked and trashed bags not overflowing, etc.

On Friday, MIL started in on a topic and then attempted to start a debate she knew would upset DH, and then got really upset when he shut her down. Before she left on Saturday, she let him (and by extension me) know that she has never felt like she is welcome in our home. I was gobsmacked but DH attempted to placate her before they left.

We are supposed to host them again for Christmas and I don’t think I want to anymore, after that comment. I think the comment was more to hurt DH, and they didn’t think of the implications it meant for me, who they know does the bulk of the planning and preparation for their visit, not to mention the hospitality. To say they have never felt welcome here is a smack in the face, and I told DH as much. I’m calmer now and have had time to think and yeah, I don’t want them in my house again this month, and no, a forced apology won’t help.

Am I out of line? I’m going to speak to DH tonight based off of what you all think.

Order food. Don't cook. If your husband's demanding job cannot pay for it, he should find a less demanding job and cook for his parents.

The issue with holidays is people over stretch themselves. If you don't like cooking, rder out. If you cant afford to order out, make 1 dish only and buy some pies.

If you don't like cleaning, you and your husband can clean one room a week for 5 weeks ( that is 10 rooms) and your guests should be able to manage a cleaning house. Or you can pay for cleaners with the money from your husband's demanding job.

I enjoy hosting because I don't cook anything. I order a lot of food. I spend about 12 hours deep cleaning my house because I LOVE cleaning, and my house stays clean after the guests are gone. So cleaning is more for my benefit than theirs. Holidays just keep me from procrastinating cleaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think DH should tell them "since you've never felt welcome in our home despite everything Lisa and I do for you to prepare for your visits and to make them enjoyable we think it's best you stay elsewhere for the upcoming holidays."

this. Yes, I think it's unreasonable to shut them out at Christmas, but they can stay in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps she does not feel welcome because your DH is stressed with his job and you are stressed with too much preparation.

Tell your DH to not invite them if he cannot commit to spending quality time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course you shouldn’t uninvite them over one stupid comment. That’s petty and over the top.

Agreed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think it's just the one troll that keeps posting like a moron.

The rest of us know very well that OP should disinvite the in-laws.

I’m not a troll, and I’m not a MIL, and I think OP would be overreacting to disinvite the in laws.

You’re the same one as on the last thread saying grandparents are forever invited no matter what burden they place on their host. Its tedious.

Point out the so called burden on the host please

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps she does not feel welcome because your DH is stressed with his job and you are stressed with too much preparation.

Tell your DH to not invite them if he cannot commit to spending quality time with them.

NP-For most people who work full time and don't have endless money to throw at the problem, hosting IS stressful by default. I don't think it's fair to ask people to not be stressed. Maybe people should pitch in more if that's their criticism, or suggest an alternative, like maybe op and her dh staying at a hotel near in-laws and going for a fabulous meal out. But there is something a little infuriating about going to great lengths to host and then be told "oh, but why aren't you relaxed and chill about it?"

[Anonymous]

Now everyone is criticizing OP on how much work it is for her to host and that she either cares too much or takes to long or is too dramatic?

You people are ridiculous. Hosting is easy for some people and not easy at all for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe how petty 99 percent of these posters are. Here’s an idea. Call your MIL. Let her know her comments hurt. Find out what’s going on from her perspective See if you can work it out after hearing each other out. If not, then politely let her know you think it’s best you take a break from hosting this year. All of these shrill comments about immediately canceling because of one bad conversation sound so petty and ridiculous to me. Like do these posters have any close relationships with anyone?

Agreed that it is petty and dysfunctional but I do not think most posters are capable of working things out in a productive way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you said, this was directed at your husband and not you. The woman made a mistake. Haven’t you ever? You’re being a baby.

Agreed - she felt hurt and offended that her son "shut her down," and was rude to him, but so was "shutting her down" in the first place. This has nothing to do with OP's cooking, but the treatment that MIL feels she receives.

Why do we care about the treatment MIL feels she receives more than the treatment OP receives?

We should care about both. OP is not 100% in the right because she is a DIL or a hostess, and neither is the MIL because she is a guest. Relationships are more complex than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I totally understand why you're upset and you have every right to be.

But I think refusing to host the ILs over one comment, with less than a month until Christmas (ie, late to arrange other plans) is an overreaction and would be a bit out of line, particularly without a conversation. I mean, these are your husband's parents.

So, yes, talk to your husband. But I would recommend some other options rather than going nuclear and refusing to host.

Can you guys (or just him) talk to the ILs about how that comment made you feel? While I understand how it stung when you do so much work to host them, that may not have been what they meant and they might be sad to hear you felt that way. They may have meant that this difference in opinion on whatever makes them feel emotionally separated from your nuclear family - not that they felt they were treated poorly. I agree that a forced apology (ie, one they give just so they can go to Christmas) is not helpful, but a true apology, along the lines of "oh, no, Larla, not at all! I'm so sorry, that is not what I meant! Your home is always so well prepared for us, and you do so much work to host and we really appreciate that. We just wish you aligned with us politically, and that wedge always seems to come between us, that's what we meant by that! Your home is always lovely" Wouldn't something like that, spoken honestly and given freely, make you feel much better? At least give them the chance.

Pending the results of that conversation (if it goes great, maybe you welcome them with open arms, if it goes really poorly, maybe you do rescind the invitation, but there's a good chance it goes more... medium) then maybe you take the hosting down a few notches? Hand more stuff over to your husband, that's for sure (especially if in the end he wants them to come and you really don't). And just lower your standards. I know some on DCUM will be horrified to hear this, but we don't do any extra cleaning for guests. We have a bi-weekly house cleaner. If it's been 1 week and 5 days since she's been here, then our guests get a 12-days-since-a-cleaning house. So what? Your husband can make dinner reservations. You can make something basic for dinner like you would any other night, just a double recipe. You can tell them when they get to you to "make themselves at home and help yourselves to anything in the fridge" and stop refilling glasses. You don't even have to make up the guest bed, just put clean sheets on a pile on top. They'll live.

Absolutely not. Actions have consequences. It doesn't matter if it's the day before or the year before. They behaved inappropriately and now have to lay in the bed they've made.

NP. Lighten up. People make mistakes. Do you cut everyone off after one bad incident? Do you actually have any friends? You sound both intolerant and intolerable.

Abusive AHs usually think anyone with boundaries is "cutting them off" and "intolerant" to intolerant AHs. So yes, this totally tracks that you'd think this.

In the real world, the people with the happiest relationships with ILs have great boundaries and everyone respects them. You know how that starts? Laying out some boundaries! Skipping one xmas hosting ILs is hardly cutting anyone off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you said, this was directed at your husband and not you. The woman made a mistake. Haven’t you ever? You’re being a baby.

Agreed - she felt hurt and offended that her son "shut her down," and was rude to him, but so was "shutting her down" in the first place. This has nothing to do with OP's cooking, but the treatment that MIL feels she receives.

Why do we care about the treatment MIL feels she receives more than the treatment OP receives?

Multiple people have pointed out that MILs comment had nothing to do with OP. I could care less about how MIL is or isn’t treated, but if op wants to escalate the situation based on taking this particular comment personally, then she should own the fact that she is the one going nuclear.

It’s not just the comment, IMO its also the fighting with her son while she’s a guest. This isn’t how functional people act when they’re guests in someones home and its absolutely rude to the hostess.

If she is a “guest” and not his mother, then he was rude first to his “guest” and is a terrible host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Idiots will say idiotic things. I just don't react when that happens.

OP, you are right to feel offended. But, refusing to host for this reason is unnecessarily confrontational. I just do not give weight to any nonsense that others speak. Elderly tend to lose their filter and will say such things. This is age-related cognitive decline.

Not hosting isn’t confrontational. It’s literally nothing. MIL can offer to host them and show them how it’s done, or else she can figure out Christmas di. We herself.

It is confrontational to disinvite. She can decide not to host next year, but it’s too late this year. Time to tell her husband that she is done doing all the work to get ready for his mother.

Nope, not too late. Not confrontational to have a small nuclear family Christmas this year. Not everyone wants to be a doormat to be trampled on by their husbands family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As you said, this was directed at your husband and not you. The woman made a mistake. Haven’t you ever? You’re being a baby.

Agreed - she felt hurt and offended that her son "shut her down," and was rude to him, but so was "shutting her down" in the first place. This has nothing to do with OP's cooking, but the treatment that MIL feels she receives.

Why do we care about the treatment MIL feels she receives more than the treatment OP receives?

Multiple people have pointed out that MILs comment had nothing to do with OP. I could care less about how MIL is or isn’t treated, but if op wants to escalate the situation based on taking this particular comment personally, then she should own the fact that she is the one going nuclear.

It’s not just the comment, IMO its also the fighting with her son while she’s a guest. This isn’t how functional people act when they’re guests in someones home and its absolutely rude to the hostess.

+1